Groomsman/Bridal Party Problem

Squishy26

Hello Knoties, I am looking for some insight into whether or not I am being a bridezilla. A few months ago my then BF of 2 years (now FI) was invited to the wedding of one of his college friends, who i've met/interacted with a number of times. My bf was not given a plus one for me. I understand that weddings can be expensive so I would not have been offended if they decided to only give plus ones to married/engaged couples. However, there were other individuals who were in dating relationships that were given plus ones. The rationale that my FI was that they only invited guests that had live in significant others. I found this really offensive and was hurt by this because I think the result of designating a specific type of dating relationship as worthy of a plus one passes judgment on other people's relationship in a way that is inappropriate. A few months after that happened, my FI and I got engaged. In talking about the guest list, my family, who is contributing the bulk of the $ for the wedding, asked that they not be invited (they felt that the plus one issue was racist because I am AA and by FI is white, and the other couples who were given plus ones were all both white). My FI thought that not inviting them would really cause him to lose out on a close friendship, so I added them both to the list. Now the problem we have is that I would like to have a 7 person bridal party and my FI does not want me to do this because he thinks that if he has to have 7 groomsmen it will become clear to everyone that he is excluding this guy. BTW this guy did not have any groomsmen or a best man at his wedding, so my FI was not one of his. I want to be a good partner but I do feel strongly about the wedding party issue as I want to include 3 family members (2 sisters and a cousin) and recognize the 4 friends that I felt really helped me through my father's death last year. It also seems somewhat mind-boggling to me that someone can not invite me as a plus one to their wedding despite the fact that they both know me and I've been with their friend for 2 years and not only do I have to invite both of them to my wedding but I also have to have a 5 person bridal party to protect their feelings as well.... Help!

bakerie

The bridal party sides do not have to be even. You pick however many you want, he picks however many he wants. And, yes, it was quite rude for them not to invite you.

southernbelle0915

Squishy26 said:

Hello Knoties, I am looking for some insight into whether or not I am being a bridezilla. A few months ago my then BF of 2 years (now FI) was invited to the wedding of one of his college friends, who i've met/interacted with a number of times. My bf was not given a plus one for me. I understand that weddings can be expensive so I would not have been offended if they decided to only give plus ones to married/engaged couples. However, there were other individuals who were in dating relationships that were given plus ones. The rationale that my FI was that they only invited guests that had live in significant others. I found this really offensive and was hurt by this because I think the result of designating a specific type of dating relationship as worthy of a plus one passes judgment on other people's relationship in a way that is inappropriate. A few months after that happened, my FI and I got engaged. In talking about the guest list, my family, who is contributing the bulk of the $ for the wedding, asked that they not be invited (they felt that the plus one issue was racist because I am AA and by FI is white, and the other couples who were given plus ones were all both white). My FI thought that not inviting them would really cause him to lose out on a close friendship, so I added them both to the list. Now the problem we have is that I would like to have a 7 person bridal party and my FI does not want me to do this because he thinks that if he has to have 7 groomsmen it will become clear to everyone that he is excluding this guy. BTW this guy did not have any groomsmen or a best man at his wedding, so my FI was not one of his. I want to be a good partner but I do feel strongly about the wedding party issue as I want to include 3 family members (2 sisters and a cousin) and recognize the 4 friends that I felt really helped me through my father's death last year. It also seems somewhat mind-boggling to me that someone can not invite me as a plus one to their wedding despite the fact that they both know me and I've been with their friend for 2 years and not only do I have to invite both of them to my wedding but I also have to have a 5 person bridal party to protect their feelings as well.... Help!

Ok first of all - paragraphs are your friend. 

To the bolded parts:

- That was really shitty on their part. They probably used the etiquette guides that say you don't have to, but everyone here will tell you those "rules" are outdated and offensive.

- To the second and third bolded - it's extremely offensive and presumptuous to label these people as racist. The reason they gave was "live in SOs". Whereas I agree it wasn't the right thing to do, it's a far cry from racist. Good Lord.

- You and FI don't need to have even sides. You could have 7 BMs and he could have 3 GMs - no problem. Even sides, exact matching dresses/hair/shoes, girls on one side/boys on the other, are all traditions that are going by the way side anyway. Just ask your nearest and dearest and FI can do the same.

MoonlightSilver

You should have as many people in your wedding party as you want, and your FI should have as many people as he wants. These numbers do not have to be the same. You can have 7, he can have 3. No big deal.

TheVirginians

Just agreeing with PP:
They were rude not to include you.
Sides do not have to be even.
If you  have experienced racism from them before, then your assumption may be correct. Otherwise, it was just a poor decision.

nikole712

You can still have your 7 bridesmaids and your fiance can have 5 or 3 or whatever number he would like. I have 3 girls on my side and my FI has 6 on his side, including a Best Woman. I like that our wedding party is a little non-traditional and different than weddings we have attended in the past.

Simply Fated

Just go with uneven sides. You can have 7 and he can have as many or as little people on his side as he wants. If this guy didn't invite your FI to be in his bridal party, then why should there be any expectation of reciprocation?

Is your family just jumping to conclusions as to the reason? Or is there a possible glimmer of truth?