Wedding Etiquette Forum

Help Me Not Be Rude

FI and I were originally not going to have a DJ; we are on a tight budget and the reception space at our venue has iPod/laptop hookups that would allow us to take care of the music ourselves (or have someone monitor the iPod/laptop). I was discussing the logistics of this with my older brother, "J" when he suggested that we ask his BIL "T" (his wife's younger brother). T is not a professional DJ, doesn't do it on the side or anything, but J suggested asking him because he's got a vast music collection and records his own music as a hobby (I'm guessing that's why, anyway), but I liked the idea because T and I get along well, he's a nice guy and I'd love for him to be a guest at the wedding if our budget allowed for additional people. However, I didn't say anything about it right away to T myself because I wanted to think about more and because I needed to see what the budget would allow us to pay him. There is no way I would ask him to do it for free.

A couple weeks ago, J took it upon himself to say something to T on my and FI's behalf, and T agreed to take care of the music for us the day of the wedding. We didn't really have an issue with this because we know J was just trying to help. I messaged T on Facebook, because according to J that is the easiest way to get in touch with him. I thanked him for agreeing to help and asked how much he would charge us. Being the generous soul he is, he said that he would take whatever we could give him. FI and I discussed it and decided that we would cover T's hotel room (he'd need one for two days), and also purchase a gift or give him a gift card on top of that. We did not relay this information to T, but when J asked what T was going to charge us, I told him and also told him what we decided to do.

Then, FMIL, completely unaware of what we had planned, hired a DJ for us as a surprise and just told us this weekend. Refusing this gift would hurt her so much, and being able to help us with the wedding is very important to her because FI is their only son. Because of this, we accepted their gift.

So that leaves me with how to tell T. My plan was to tell him that FI's parents surprised us by hiring the DJ. But, I'm not sure how to say that we no longer need his help. I'm worried that he'll think we're being rude. Are we? Or am I over thinking this?

 

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Re: Help Me Not Be Rude

  • You might just be over thinking this. Just thank him for offering and explain to him what happened.
  • You were given a surprise gift, you're not being rude. I would still invite T and maybe still offer to pay for his hotel room. 
  • Just explain what happened. I think you should still invite him though.


  • You're not being rude. Just explain the situation to him, thank him so much for the generous offer, and then follow up with a thank you note and a gift card to his favorite restaurant.
  • You're not being rude. Just explain the situation to him, thank him so much for the generous offer, and then follow up with a thank you note and a gift card to his favorite restaurant.
    This ^^^
  • I doubt T would care if you explain the situation. Could you ask him to play the ceremony music (if it's not already being taken care of)? I'd still invite him as a guest. 
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  • You could ask him to do music when the DJ takes his breaks.
  • No need to stress. Just explain to him what happened and thank him for being so willing to help. I'd still invite him and his SO to attend the wedding.
  • Thanks for making me feel better everyone! I think we will go ahead and invite him to the wedding because one more person is not going to break the bank.

     

     

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  • Teddy917 said:
    You could ask him to do music when the DJ takes his breaks.
    If the DJ's contract allows for this (i.e. doesn't require that the DJ do the music exclusively) then this is a good idea.
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