Maids that won't listen

amazonkit

I have three bridesmaids, two of which are best friends and plan stuff without my third. They do try to include her but I feel like she gets forgotten about. The two just refuse to listen to anything that I want, and I do state my mind. They keep doing their own thing and my third even tries to tell them to back off and listen to what I say. I don't know what else to do since I've already been blunt and had my third get involved. 

Where I'm from we do a fundraiser for the couple that helps pay for the wedding. It's a big party with silent auction prizes and crazy cheap alcohol. Usually family and friends (including bridal party) help the couple financially, either buying prizes or alcohol, with the couple paying for most of the event. The same two girls are refusing to spend any of their money to help with this event. They're not paying for anything for my wedding other than their shoes, as I'm paying for everything (dress, hair, makeup, etc). Is it wrong for me to be upset with them for this? If not, how do I approach them?

Help

kmmssg

You do not approach them about subsidizing your fundraiser.  Your wedding,  YOUR responsibility to pay for it.  Being a BM does not require them to buy things to raise money to help you pay for your wedding.

Their job is to buy the dress, show up sober, smile for pictures, and be on time.  Anything else is optional.

Exactly what are they doing that you don't want them to do?

KJiras

I'm not totally sure how to answer this because I've never, ever heard of a wedding fundraiser. On the topic of the "party" I'm afraid any advice I'd give you there would offend you because obviously we're from very different locations with very different customs (that would be totally odd and a big no-no where I'm from). Just out of curiosity...would you mind sharing where you are from? Any other brides familiar with this?

But, when it comes to your bridesmaids I think the best thing to do is to take a step back and let them figure out how to get along as adult women. If all three girls aren't equally as close friends, and you try to insert yourself to help them get along or settle any arguments you are just setting yourself up fro drama. You've got enough to plan and focus on without having to play referee.

If they ask your input on what you'd be comfortable with as a bachelorette, etc. they should respect it. If they are planning something you aren't comfortable with you can politely decline their party/plans/etc.  You can't explicitly tell them exactly what to do for you, that would be rude. Their only role is really to purchase the dress, show up sober and stand along side you. Anything else is a generous gift on their part. 

zitiqueen

amazonkit said:

I have three bridesmaids, two of which are best friends and plan stuff without my third. They do try to include her but I feel like she gets forgotten about. The two just refuse to listen to anything that I want, and I do state my mind. They keep doing their own thing and my third even tries to tell them to back off and listen to what I say. I don't know what else to do since I've already been blunt and had my third get involved. 

Where I'm from we do a fundraiser for the couple that helps pay for the wedding. It's a big party with silent auction prizes and crazy cheap alcohol. Usually family and friends (including bridal party) help the couple financially, either buying prizes or alcohol, with the couple paying for most of the event. The same two girls are refusing to spend any of their money to help with this event. They're not paying for anything for my wedding other than their shoes, as I'm paying for everything (dress, hair, makeup, etc). Is it wrong for me to be upset with them for this? If not, how do I approach them?

Help

Are you Canadian?

MayDay513

You could always beat them into submission.
Their only responsibility is to buy the dress and show up. Just because you paid for the dress doesn't mean they HAVE to contribute elsewhere

southernbelle0915

amazonkit said:

I have three bridesmaids, two of which are best friends and plan stuff without my third. They do try to include her but I feel like she gets forgotten about. The two just refuse to listen to anything that I want, and I do state my mind. They keep doing their own thing and my third even tries to tell them to back off and listen to what I say. I don't know what else to do since I've already been blunt and had my third get involved. 

Where I'm from we do a fundraiser for the couple that helps pay for the wedding. It's a big party with silent auction prizes and crazy cheap alcohol. Usually family and friends (including bridal party) help the couple financially, either buying prizes or alcohol, with the couple paying for most of the event. The same two girls are refusing to spend any of their money to help with this event. They're not paying for anything for my wedding other than their shoes, as I'm paying for everything (dress, hair, makeup, etc). Is it wrong for me to be upset with them for this? If not, how do I approach them?

Help

Yes, it is wrong of you to be upset with them. If I were in a wedding and the bride asked me to spend my own money to sponsor a "fundraiser" so she could pay for her wedding, I would step out of the WP. You're lucky these girls are still agreeing to stand up for you! You buying their dresses/hair/make-up was your prerogative - you can't hold that against them.

You need to pay for the wedding you want to have. If you can't afford the wedding you want you have 2 options: 1) postpone and save until you can, or 2) have a less expensive affair. Under no circumstances is it acceptable to ask anyone for money or to purchase tickets, or cost inflated items that help you pay for your wedding. Honeymoon jars are also not ok. Dollar dances, same thing. All of those things are "cutesied up" ways of asking people for money.

You can put lipstick on that pig however you want, but wedding fundraisers are organized begging.

Here's what you can do. Apologize to your BMs for asking them to spend money on something that's not necessary. Fund your own wedding. If you can't afford much, no big deal. Host cake and punch at a non-meal time in your back yard. Or grill in the park. Whatever you decide to do, don't ask other people to fund it.

pink34562000

Why are you having a fundraiser for your wedding? The bride and groom are responsible for the costs and shouldn't ask any money from others.

Blue_Bird

You should thank your bridesmaids for ignoring your incredibly rude behavior and continuing to be friends with you.

Asking your nearest and dearest to pay for your wedding (especially considering the reception is YOUR thank you to them) is unacceptable.

As for planning things without the third's (not your) opinion, that is rude. However, she needs to confront them, not you. Dragging you into it isn't fair to you.

Bookie7

I agree with Blue_Bird.... The bridesmaid being left out should confront the other two herself.  You should only be involved in extreme circumstances, like she has tried contacting them several times about something and they're not responding.

 

I've never heard of a fundraiser for funding a wedding.  So I can't offer any insight on that one.  I've always been under the impression that the bride and groom would pay for the wedding.  People can give gifts, sometimes parents help pay for dinner, or the dj, but that's about it.

zitiqueen

This is common in some parts of Canada, namely Ontario.

NYCMercedes

Even if it's common, it's still rude.

zitiqueen

NYCMercedes said:

Even if it's common, it's still rude.

Never said it wasn't.

Dottie05

I have never really understood this... for all of the money you spend on a fundraiser, why wouldn't you just spend that money on the wedding? Do you really "make" that much more?

I guess with my thinking, if you need to raise money for your own wedding why would you throw an additional party.

southernbelle0915

Dottie05 said:

I have never really understood this... for all of the money you spend on a fundraiser, why wouldn't you just spend that money on the wedding? Do you really "make" that much more?

I guess with my thinking, if you need to raise money for your own wedding why would you throw an additional party.

See that's the "beauty" of it - the bride has her friends throw the party for her so she doesn't spend a dime. She profits off of a party others spent money to throw. 

So bad.

Teddy917

Even just from reading the title of your post, I thought you were treating them like children. I sort of read it like "Children that won't listen". And your actual post also sounds like that. This isn't a playground fight. If your BM is being ignored, then she needs to handle it.

On a different note, don't have a fundraiser for your wedding. Fundraisers, IMO, should be for something more crucial and something that the recipients of that money can't get themselves. Like a family who had both parents lose jobs and has a child who needs surgery, an animal shelter, veterans with disabilities, etc.

Simply Fated

amazonkit said:

I have three bridesmaids, two of which are best friends and plan stuff without my third. They do try to include her but I feel like she gets forgotten about. The two just refuse to listen to anything that I want, and I do state my mind. They keep doing their own thing and my third even tries to tell them to back off and listen to what I say. I don't know what else to do since I've already been blunt and had my third get involved. 

Where I'm from we do a fundraiser for the couple that helps pay for the wedding. It's a big party with silent auction prizes and crazy cheap alcohol. Usually family and friends (including bridal party) help the couple financially, either buying prizes or alcohol, with the couple paying for most of the event. The same two girls are refusing to spend any of their money to help with this event. They're not paying for anything for my wedding other than their shoes, as I'm paying for everything (dress, hair, makeup, etc). Is it wrong for me to be upset with them for this? If not, how do I approach them?

Help

Yes, it's wrong for you to be upset with them. I get that you're disappointed, but let it go. This isn't something they want to participate in and I don't blame them.

If you had cancer and needed help raising money for the cost of treatments, I bet they'd jump at the opportunity to help. But a fundraiser for your wedding? It's just not necessary. If you really want one, throw one yourself. Or you can just use that money towards your actual wedding.

You chose to pay for the dresses and everything else. That's on you, not them. They don't owe you a party for it.

If your family is insisting on having one for you, then the cost and work of the fundraiser is on them and not on your bridesmaids.


To the bolded part... you shouldn't be having your third get involved. You're making her into the outcast of the group. The reason the other two girls leave her out and don't want to listen to her is probably because you force the third girl onto them and use her to stand up for you.
Be specific to us. Besides not wanting to participate in the fundraiser, what exactly have those two girls done that you didn't like. Let us help you. Don't use that poor girl.

amazonkit

Zitiqueen. I am Canadian, more specifically Manitoban. Where fundraisers for weddings are done all the time, and it is very rare to find a couple that aren't doing one. And the fundraisers are usually supported by the bridal party and the family. As well as donations by local companies.
Please don't call me rude, because I wasn't sure if anyone here would understand the situation as I know that Americans don't do this sort of thing and I was twitchy about putting it on here but had hoped that there would be some Canadian brides on the site who might understand the situation. Clearly I was wrong about that. Just so you all know, my friends who have been married from HERE do believe my bridesmaids are being unhelpful and think they should step up to the plate. I'm not trying to be rude to any of you, just letting you know that clearly traditions here are very different from the States.
On the other note of my two girls against one, thank you to those of you who were actually helpful on that and didn't attack me on the fundraiser. The two of them are planning little parties here and there that we don't want, such as engagement parties, parties for just the bridal party, weekend getaways, etc. And though I have said that I greatly appreciate their want to plan all that we don't want any of it. Our work schedules don't allow us much time off, especially together, so having to request the time off to go to each of these is just not acceptable. Despite even saying this, they're going ahead with the plans. My one bridesmaid is insistent on purple. I hate the colour and it doesn't go with our colours. After she finally backed down about wearing a purple dress instead of the ones I picked for them she has now decided she's dying her hair bright purple. Which I don't know if I'm allowed any say in that, but I really really don't want that in my wedding pictures. I don't want to go all bridezilla on them but so far the polite way hasn't worked. I never asked my third to get involved, she did it on her own because she knows the stress the other two are putting on me by all this. And she has stated herself before she got involved that she felt left out because I would tell/ask her about things the other two were planning, assuming she had known and she didn't. Can we now ignore the whole fundraiser thing as you don't have full understandings of our traditions up here, which I completely understand, and focus on how to make my two girls listen without me going crazy on them?

Teddy917

amazonkit said:

Zitiqueen. I am Canadian, more specifically Manitoban. Where fundraisers for weddings are done all the time, and it is very rare to find a couple that aren't doing one. And the fundraisers are usually supported by the bridal party and the family. As well as donations by local companies.
Please don't call me rude, because I wasn't sure if anyone here would understand the situation as I know that Americans don't do this sort of thing and I was twitchy about putting it on here but had hoped that there would be some Canadian brides on the site who might understand the situation. Clearly I was wrong about that. Just so you all know, my friends who have been married from HERE do believe my bridesmaids are being unhelpful and think they should step up to the plate. I'm not trying to be rude to any of you, just letting you know that clearly traditions here are very different from the States.
On the other note of my two girls against one, thank you to those of you who were actually helpful on that and didn't attack me on the fundraiser. The two of them are planning little parties here and there that we don't want, such as engagement parties, parties for just the bridal party, weekend getaways, etc. And though I have said that I greatly appreciate their want to plan all that we don't want any of it. Our work schedules don't allow us much time off, especially together, so having to request the time off to go to each of these is just not acceptable. Despite even saying this, they're going ahead with the plans. My one bridesmaid is insistent on purple. I hate the colour and it doesn't go with our colours. After she finally backed down about wearing a purple dress instead of the ones I picked for them she has now decided she's dying her hair bright purple. Which I don't know if I'm allowed any say in that, but I really really don't want that in my wedding pictures. I don't want to go all bridezilla on them but so far the polite way hasn't worked. I never asked my third to get involved, she did it on her own because she knows the stress the other two are putting on me by all this. And she has stated herself before she got involved that she felt left out because I would tell/ask her about things the other two were planning, assuming she had known and she didn't. Can we now ignore the whole fundraiser thing as you don't have full understandings of our traditions up here, which I completely understand, and focus on how to make my two girls listen without me going crazy on them?

Just because it's common doesn't make it ok. I know this is a very dramatic analogy, but it's the only one that I could think of: Abuse is more common than it should be, no matter where you live, that does not make it ok.

NYCMercedes

Repeat, just because it's common, doesn't make it ok. When I was little I heard, if everybody else jumped off a bridge, would you. Same difference. Btw, if someone plans a party in your honor, you can politely decline the offer of a party as well as the invitation to said party.

MobKaz

@Amazonkit said....

"Can we now ignore the whole fundraiser thing as you don't have full understandings of our traditions up here, which I completely understand, and focus on how to make my two girls listen without me going crazy on them?"

Fundraisers might be done "all the time", and "it may be rare to find a couple that aren't doing one", but guess what?  You may be that one in a million couple.  The fundraiser may be a tradition, but it is NOT a mandate, nor requirement, for a wedding.  Do you hear how you sound when you demand that YOUR girls need to be MADE to listen??

You are insulted by their attempts to throw sincere "little" parties on your behalf, and have made it clear that you "don't want any of that".  Well....turnabout is fair play, and I do believe they are making it clear that they don't want any of that fundraising.  If I were one of your BM's, I would not only NOT step up to the plate, I would walk away from the game altogether.

Blue_Bird

Hey, it's up to you if you want to have your wedding guests fund their own thank you gift. That's your business. But don't try to tell us your bridesmaids are out of line because they don't want to spend their hard-earned money participating in it. You have to realize how insane that sounds.

hannahj0

Northern PA has stag parties for the bridal couple which I hadn't heard of until recently even though I'm a few hours from there. It is very common for the friends and family to plan and host this party. Who is saying that the bride and groom are demanding one? If a tradition is a tradition where you are from, then your family and friends aren't going to bat an eye like those who have not heard of one. At least in PA, it's something that friends and family want to do for the couple, and is looked at as just another chance to drink, play games and have fun.

OP, I was recently trying to deal with my MOH who wants to plan an extravagant bachelorette party, that myself nor the other bridesmaids can afford/have the time off of work for. It's hard to get everyone on the same page. I don't have a lot of advice for you, but I hope things work out. Sometimes people need to remember that it is your day and not theirs. That is not to say you have the right to treat people rudely, but sometimes I think people start planning things for how THEY would want THEIR day/wedding experience to be like.  Good luck with everything!!

Blue_Bird

hannahj0 said:

Northern PA has stag parties for the bridal couple which I hadn't heard of until recently even though I'm a few hours from there. It is very common for the friends and family to plan and host this party. Who is saying that the bride and groom are demanding one? If a tradition is a tradition where you are from, then your family and friends aren't going to bat an eye like those who have not heard of one. At least in PA, it's something that friends and family want to do for the couple, and is looked at as just another chance to drink, play games and have fun.

OP, I was recently trying to deal with my MOH who wants to plan an extravagant bachelorette party, that myself nor the other bridesmaids can afford/have the time off of work for. It's hard to get everyone on the same page. I don't have a lot of advice for you, but I hope things work out. Sometimes people need to remember that it is your day and not theirs. That is not to say you have the right to treat people rudely, but sometimes I think people start planning things for how THEY would want THEIR day/wedding experience to be like.  Good luck with everything!!

She, OP, who is the bride herself is saying it.

Maggie0829

Tradition/common does not equal requirement.  They only requirement for a wedding are an officiant, marriage license, witnesses and the couple.  That is it.  Everything else is optional including any traditional/common aspects.

southernbelle0915

1) Decline their offers to host additional parties if it doesn't work for you. If they plan a party you declined and you don't show up, be like "sorry guys, I told you I wasn't coming. What did you expect?"

2) Stop talking wedding with them. Tell them what dress to buy and when to show up. If they don't show up in the dress you chose, they take themselves out of the wedding.

3) Is it more important that your BM is in your photos or that she has purple hair?

4) You asking people to spend their money so you can raise money for your wedding is not excused because you are from Manitoba. I don't care how "common" it is, it's rude. That logic is juvenile - "well, lots of people do it, so it must be ok." 

I'd bet my salary that if you didn't stand to literally profit from this common tradition, you'd be willing to let it go if people told you how rude it was. Money makes people do some pretty rude and ridiculous things.

heidirs731

Good grief, people. If it's common in other cultures, that means it's acceptable in other cultures. I'm so sick of people on theknot insisting that their perception of what is rude is 100% correct despite family/culture traditions. If everyone in Canada does it, then it's obviously not rude in Canada.

Your bridesmaids sound like they are trying to take over everything. I have no advice on how to handle it. I assume you could either let it go, or put your put your down. I know you don't want to come across as a bridezilla, but you might just have to get them to stop planning things you can't attend.

southernbelle0915

heidirs731 said:

Good grief, people. If it's common in other cultures, that means it's acceptable in other cultures. I'm so sick of people on theknot insisting that their perception of what is rude is 100% correct despite family/culture traditions. If everyone in Canada does it, then it's obviously not rude in Canada.

Your bridesmaids sound like they are trying to take over everything. I have no advice on how to handle it. I assume you could either let it go, or put your put your down. I know you don't want to come across as a bridezilla, but you might just have to get them to stop planning things you can't attend.

This is bad advice. Do not use culture to excuse money saving or money grubbing "traditions". Magically, most traditions that people argue for are traditions where they either stand to save money or get money from guests. Coincidence? I think not.

heidirs731

Right, because people just want to get money and it has nothing to do with family relations or the idea that people might actually WANT to participate in a fundraiser and help out the bride and groom and that in some cultures or family circles it's seen a rude of people to not want to help.

LiLe422

hannahj0 said:

Northern PA has stag parties for the bridal couple which I hadn't heard of until recently even though I'm a few hours from there. It is very common for the friends and family to plan and host this party. Who is saying that the bride and groom are demanding one? If a tradition is a tradition where you are from, then your family and friends aren't going to bat an eye like those who have not heard of one. At least in PA, it's something that friends and family want to do for the couple, and is looked at as just another chance to drink, play games and have fun.

OP, I was recently trying to deal with my MOH who wants to plan an extravagant bachelorette party, that myself nor the other bridesmaids can afford/have the time off of work for. It's hard to get everyone on the same page. I don't have a lot of advice for you, but I hope things work out. Sometimes people need to remember that it is your day and not theirs. That is not to say you have the right to treat people rudely, but sometimes I think people start planning things for how THEY would want THEIR day/wedding experience to be like.  Good luck with everything!!

Yeah, I don't think so.  

Born and raised in northern PA and I have never once heard of this horrific type of event until coming on TK. 

Maggie0829

heidirs731 said:

Right, because people just want to get money and it has nothing to do with family relations or the idea that people might actually WANT to participate in a fundraiser and help out the bride and groom and that in some cultures or family circles it's seen a rude of people to not want to help.

Then why the need for a fundraiser?  If people want to help the bride and groom out financially then why not just send them a fucking check?  Why go to the extent to plan a fundraiser?

southernbelle0915

heidirs731 said:

Right, because people just want to get money and it has nothing to do with family relations or the idea that people might actually WANT to participate in a fundraiser and help out the bride and groom and that in some cultures or family circles it's seen a rude of people to not want to help.

Yup - it is all about money. If someone wants to participate in raising funds for the bride and groom, they can send them money. In the OP's case, she is pushing for her BMs to do throw this party for her when they don't want to - that IS rude. So if someone doesn't want to "help" (by help I assume you mean give their money), they're rude? You do know that the "reception" is to receive guests and thank them for attending the ceremony, right? How is it thanking someone when you asked them for the money to fund the reception? Guess what - it's not.

It's not helpful to other posters and lurkers when you give advice like this. It makes it seem like doing rude things is ok when it's not.