Ok to ask for "pre-RSVP"??

jaclynrenae

My fiance and I are having a dilemma in figuring out a realistic guest count, which is pretty key for our budget as our venue/catering price is per guest.

The wedding is in Sept '14 in Chicago (where we have both lived for the past 6 years). However his family is out east, mine is out west. Because of the distance, we feel like a lot of people will choose not to come. That is fine, we're not offended by it.

I don't want to be a bridezilla, but I want to know in advance if people in our family aren't even going to try to come, so that we can invite other people (more friends) instead. We both come from somewhat large families, and think that family should be considered first before inviting friends. But b/c of our budget and venue size, we have a cap on the number of people we can invite.

We are planning to send out save-the-dates about 9-10 months in advance, and then send out invites a couple months in advance. But I don't want to wait until the invite RSVP deadline to find out a bunch of "no's". By then it seems so short of notice to invite other people.

Please tell me if you think this idea is appropriate...

When we send our save-the-dates, I would like to ask for a sort of "pre-RSVP". I'm going to try to find a cute/fun way to word it. But basically ask people if they know that they wont be able to make it, or if they will try. They can call/text/email/online guestbook/whatever to let us know. But I think it will be SO helpful in planning a realistic guest count. Most of these are family see only rarely, so it's not like I can just bring it up when I see them.

My sister thinks it's tacky to ask for this advance RSVP, and also thinks that most people will probably just ignore it.

Was hoping to get your thoughts... or advice if you've gone through something similar.

Thanks! 

Viczaesar

jaclynrenae said:

My fiance and I are having a dilemma in figuring out a realistic guest count, which is pretty key for our budget as our venue/catering price is per guest.

The wedding is in Sept '14 in Chicago (where we have both lived for the past 6 years). However his family is out east, mine is out west. Because of the distance, we feel like a lot of people will choose not to come. That is fine, we're not offended by it.

I don't want to be a bridezilla, but I want to know in advance if people in our family aren't even going to try to come, so that we can invite other people (more friends) instead. We both come from somewhat large families, and think that family should be considered first before inviting friends. But b/c of our budget and venue size, we have a cap on the number of people we can invite.

We are planning to send out save-the-dates about 9-10 months in advance, and then send out invites a couple months in advance. But I don't want to wait until the invite RSVP deadline to find out a bunch of "no's". By then it seems so short of notice to invite other people.

Please tell me if you think this idea is appropriate...

When we send our save-the-dates, I would like to ask for a sort of "pre-RSVP". I'm going to try to find a cute/fun way to word it. But basically ask people if they know that they wont be able to make it, or if they will try. They can call/text/email/online guestbook/whatever to let us know. But I think it will be SO helpful in planning a realistic guest count. Most of these are family see only rarely, so it's not like I can just bring it up when I see them.

My sister thinks it's tacky to ask for this advance RSVP, and also thinks that most people will probably just ignore it.

Was hoping to get your thoughts... or advice if you've gone through something similar.

Thanks! 

Your sister is right.  You cannot ask people to RSVP (or "pre-RSVP") to a STD. 

LavenderHoneyBee

Unfortunately, there is no way to ask for a Pre-RSVP without being rude/presumptuous. The only way you can go about this is to have your mom, dad, FMIL, and FFIl reach out to their families (once STDs are sent) and get an idea from those conversations. "Hi Aunt Myrtle, how are you? How's your son Jack, oh good, great. Did you receive Suzie's save the date? Oh great, do you think you and Uncle Mort are going to be able to make it? I really hope so we'd love to have you." They cannot flat out ask for any kind of confirmation, but they can get a general idea from these convos and relay that to you. 

misssunshine17

It is tacky. Plus, it'll probably just screw you up since people's plans can change and their work schedules won't be available then. Plan a wedding you can afford for 100% attending. 

Jen4948

You can only expect people to RSVP to invitations.  A save-the-date is not the equivalent of an invitation and you cannot politely ask or expect anyone to reply to it-regardless of how it's worded.  There is no "cute/fun" way to ask for a "pre-RSVP" from someone who hasn't received an invitation.

Also, nobody likes getting an invitation knowing that they didn't make the original cut and the availability of a space for them is due to someone else's declining the invitation.  That's called B-listing and it's rude.

JoanE2012

What is the point of an RSVP if you are then going to put a pre-RSVP?   Just don't do it, it's tacky.  And don't B-list people....that's awful.  Invite who you can and be done with it.

JellyBean52513

Honestly, it sounds like what you're doing is setting up your B-list in advance, which is rude. Your wedding day should consist of those nearest & dearest to you, and if friends you'd invite in the place of those who pre-RSVP'ed 'No' wouldn't have made that first cut, then they shouldn't be invited at all. Imagine how the conversation would go: "Hey Sarah, I just got your RSVP back, I'm so glad you're coming to the wedding! Good thing Aunt Sally told me a few months ago she wasn't going to come or I wouldn't have been able to invite you!" <- That, frankly, is the realistic version of whatever cute/fun wording you were going to come up with for this idea.

The best advice is that you and FI choose a budget that you are absolutely comfortable with spending, and begin building your guest list with that budget in mind. If you aren't able to invite everyone you want to due to budget constraints, you have three options: 1. Find ways to save money in other places so you can increase your guest list; 2. Find a different venue that has more affordable options; 3. Accept the fact that you can't afford to invite everyone you want to. 

jaclynrenae

thanks ladies

missmo14

Im having a destination wedding and we have simply used word of mouth to get a rough idea on potential numbers. Ofcourse things can always change. I agree with PP you cant B List wedding guests.

Viczaesar

Also, anybody who gets an STD has to receive an invitation as well, so even if they told you they wouldn't be able to make it you would still have to send them an invitation, and they may change their mind or be in a position to come two months out when they didn't think they could at 9 months out.

HisGirlFriday13

Ditto PPs that what you want to do is advance B-list, and that's very rude.

If you want to invite more friends, you have other options:

1. Pick an off-season/off-day to get married (i.e., mid-winter in Michigan); things will be cheaper.

2. Find a venue that will allow you to bring in alcohol, which will help you save on the cost of alcohol.

3. Have your wedding over a non-meal time (such as 1 or 2 p.m. start, reception ends at 5 or 6). Then you can serve heavy hors d'oeurves/apps and save money that way.

4. Do a buffet rather than a seated dinner

5. Only host wine and beer rather than a full open bar (but do not have a cash bar option -- that's also rude).

Good luck!

Simply Fated

I think it's fine to maybe ask around and get a feel. But to ask for a preRSVP just makes the invitation RSVP date redundant. Besides, not everyone knows that far in advance whether or not they can attend.

WinstonsGirl

You won't get a good response that far out in term of who can come or not.  I had a family friend tell me they weren't coming to the wedding about 2-3 months out when they found out it was in Hawaii.  They were sent an invite anyway when we did send them and about 1 month before they decided to come.  It was a last minute decision for them, so you can't count people out who might originally not plan on making it.

Could you find a venue that would hold more people so that you could invite everyone you wanted to?? 

AddieCake

Inappropriate. 

Abbyjensen

I think it's fine to ask people in your families to get a rough idea for your own planning purposes, but everyone who gets a STD should get an invitation, and you should be prepared for 100% of your invites to RSVP yes.

JellyBean52513

Schatzi13 said:

P.S. Tip for any future brides and grooms reading this thread: If you feel like you need to word something in a "cute/fun" way in order to request or say it, think some more about what you are requesting or saying. Is this compulsion because you know, deep down, that the request or comment is problematic?

I was thinking this myself. General rule of thumb.... if you're trying to word something in a cute/fun/nice way, it's most likely because what you're trying to say is not nice (and you already knew this).

JaneAustensGhost

I would ignore it and roll my eyes.  

mzbda

This actually happened to me. I received a STD earlier this year for a wedding in the Fall and there was information on it to rsvp to the wedding via the wedding website. 

Those who didn't rsvp to the STD weren't given an invitation. 

The invitation I received says thank you for rsvp'ing. 

I think it's rude but it's not my wedding.