Help.

Tmclark89

 

6fsn

I'd start with why you want these weddings.  What about the big one/little one is appealing?  Do you want the big white dress and he wants a private ceremony?  have a small wedding and a big party later.

misssunshine17

I think you need to weigh the pros and cons, but why does have want a four year engagement? My knee-jerk reaction to you is that he proposed to keep you happy, now he's dragging his feet to actually get married. It shouldn't take four years to pay for a JOP wedding.

VarunaTT

I agree w/6 re: the wedding.  There's room for compromise here.

But why the 2-4 year engagement?  I mean, it's one thing to say, We want X, Y and Z for our wedding and it will take this long to save for it.  But it's a whole 'nother to say, Yay, she said yes, we're engaged for 4 years.  You need to work that out before you even worry about the wedding itself.  You two might not be one the same page with a lot of things.

Tmclark89

 

VarunaTT

Why is he stuck on times so much?  Does this happen in other areas of life?  This is the part that worries me.  What about when you want to buy a house and he doesn't want to do that for X amount of time?  Kids in X years?  I get planning, but this isn't planning, it's just a checklist.  "Date for 5 years, check.  Engagement, check.  Engagement for 4 years, check. (which, WTF, NINE YEARS before marrying someone?  That's just ridiculous)."  You really need to explore that with him and make sure this is something you can deal with.

Compromise means people suck up things they both don't want to do.  You're going to have to tone it down, have a smaller wedding, less people, maybe ceremony and reception in same place, more casual feeling affair.  Put him into a suit versus a tuxedo.

Put he has to suck it up too.  He's going to have to go part of the way and go to a more casual ceremony/reception that isn't just JOP @ the courthouse.  Start perusing some more casual backyard BBQ weddings to get good ideas for the both of you.  There are lovely options out there, I just don't think either one of you is exploring things enough yet.

PirateBarbie

how old are you guys?

do you have degrees/jobs/a means to support yourselves/a place to live on your own/etc. Is he telling you that he wants a long engagement to give the two of you more time to establish yourselves in your careers/purchase a home/etc. or is it just some random timeframe with no reasoning attached?

if he has a defined plan or goals for the future: finish school/get a job/purchase a home/save $xxx prior to marriage, then i would say he's being reasonable in wanting to wait for a bit. If he has no defined plan/goals and is seemingly just choosing some random timeframe, i would think that he's probably not all that into you and is too much of a chickenshit to break up with you or just to tell you he's not ready to be married right now. he may be hoping you'll dump him.

ReturnOfKuus

Why is this chump proposing to a woman YEARS before he's actually ready and willing to marry her? 

Engagement: this word does not mean what he thinks it means.

PMeg819

Y'all mothereffers need some counseling. Because it sounds like he has some issues and really isn't ready to commit. DH and I got married after being engaged for almost 2 years but in the interim we moved to a new state, bought a house, and had job changes. We were ready but we didn't want to plan amid the craziness of life. 4 years is a longer engagement- which isn't necessarily a bad thing but you both need to be on the same page as to why you'd wait that long and it doesn't sound like you are.

Tmclark89

 

Tmclark89

 

hmonkey

now that i know how old you are, i am on TEAM FOUR YEAR ENGAGEMENT. 

when you are 28 and he is 31, your lives and your relationship might be very different than they are now.

VarunaTT

 

Tmclark89 said:

I came here to have opinions on what to do to compromise not to have anyone bash my relationship and talk about me like I'm some dumb 16 year old girl. I'm not trying to be rude, but I don't think anyone here knows my fiancé or knows how our relationship works. Having this issue does not mean that he doesn't love me or want to be with me it just means that we have different ideas of how we want to get married. I think he likes to put time frames on things because he doesn't want to have the same type of wedding as I do and that scares him. He is 27 and I'm 24. We both have good jobs and have been living on our own for years.

Tmclark89 said:

We got engaged a week ago and I know he wouldn't propose if he didn't want to be with me. I thought weddings were supposed to be about being happy and some of you are just so negative it's sickening.

Men propose ALL THE TIME to women they don't really want to be with and then drag their feet on getting married and then never speak up.

No one here was negative, they were honest.  It's bizarre to have such firm set ideas of "time" for no really good reason beyond that's what he wants.

You received plenty of advice on how to compromise.  But what you really want is advice on how to convince him to do it your way.  You should've been more specific b/c then we would've just told you that you were wrong to try and do that.  And he's wanting a long engagement to convince you that he's right in his vision and thinks it'll take that long.

yeah, this is super healthy.

VarunaTT

Tmclark89 said:

Hi everyone, I'm new around here and this is actually my first time posting. I recently got engaged to my fiancé and when we first started talking about marriage he instantly said he wanted to have a 4 year engagement. This fluctuates regularly between 2 to 4. I have always been dreaming of a white wedding with all of the traditional things that go along with it. My parents were married until my father passed away when I was 9 and my fiancé's parents were never married and most of his family hasn't been married or have divorced. We come from completely different worlds but when I bring up the topic of a wedding he adamantly says he wants to get married in Vegas or in a courthouse and I want the complete opposite. I'm not planning a wedding yet but I'm very frustrated by the thought of planning a wedding that I don't want and I don't want him to be completely miserable dealing with what I want. I'm just wondering what everyone thinks I should do? I'm not sure how to find a happy medium.

Tmclark89 said:

I've always wanted a big wedding. It's what all my family has done. I'm the only daughter in my family and I think my mom would be hurt if she wasn't there. My fiancé goes back and forth between a long engagement or just getting married at Vegas in a shorter amount of time. He also said he didn't want to get engaged until we dated for 5 years and we got engaged in 2 years. I'm not trying to plan a wedding now and push him into something he doesn't want to do. I'm just wondering how to make a compromise to make us both happy. I don't want to feel like I gave up everything I've ever dreamed of to make him happy and he doesn't want to be the center of attention in a big wedding.

JIC.