Wedding Woes

Ex-wife is going to be "Best Man"!

My Fiancée and I are four months away from the wedding.  I am completely stressed out because of all the interpersonal drama that is going on.  The biggest issue is that he has decided to have his EX WIFE be his "best man".  He says it's because she is still one of his closest friends.  The ex makes his family uncomfortable.  My FMIL has disclosed to me that she was never truly part of the family and they don't particularly like her. The ex makes me uncomfortable because she doesn't really support our getting married and has stated such to me and him (yes, we have contact with her regularly).  

I told him about my fears that our wedding day will be overshadowed by her presence but he keeps saying that he should be allowed to choose his best man freely regardless of how the situation will make anyone else feel.  He did this last holiday when he brought both of us to a family get together.  It was tense and uncomfortable.  He said it was his family's problem not his.  He also feels I am putting the feelings of his family above his.  I'm not.  I just don't want to look back on my wedding and remember it as being uncomfortable.

Am I being unreasonable? 

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Re: Ex-wife is going to be "Best Man"!

  • Yeah, I'm with you. This is weird. If your FI's family isn't really cool with her, you aren't cool with her, but your FI is still buddies with her it's weird. Why did they divorce?
    PrettyGirlLost
  • kokomo316 said:

    My Fiancée and I are four months away from the wedding.  I am completely stressed out because of all the interpersonal drama that is going on.  The biggest issue is that he has decided to have his EX WIFE be his "best man".  He says it's because she is still one of his closest friends.  The ex makes his family uncomfortable.  My FMIL has disclosed to me that she was never truly part of the family and they don't particularly like her. The ex makes me uncomfortable because she doesn't really support our getting married and has stated such to me and him (yes, we have contact with her regularly).  

    I told him about my fears that our wedding day will be overshadowed by her presence but he keeps saying that he should be allowed to choose his best man freely regardless of how the situation will make anyone else feel.  He did this last holiday when he brought both of us to a family get together.  It was tense and uncomfortable.  He said it was his family's problem not his.  He also feels I am putting the feelings of his family above his.  I'm not.  I just don't want to look back on my wedding and remember it as being uncomfortable.

    Am I being unreasonable? 

    So.many.red.flags.

    Why does he have regular contact with her? Do they have kids together?

    Why are you marrying him?  He sounds like he does not give a shit about your feelings at all.

    There more than 4 men in the world.

    Blue_Birdlizybeffsimplykayla
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    hell no
    Blue_BirdlizybeffNYCMercedes
  • They have a son together so we do have regular contact with her.  They divorced because she found someone else she wanted to be with.  They have stayed friends and co-parent together on a day-to-day basis.  My relationship with her would not be defined as friends but we are civil.  She makes me uncomfortable because she doesn't have filters.  She just says whatever she wants, whenever she wants regardless of how it will make someone feel.  She doesn't seem to understand social norms.  For example, she has stated that if asked to give a toast at the reception she would only say "I wish you well" and sit down. 

    I am wondering why he needs to do this.  What is he trying to prove to people? 

  • kokomo316 said:

    My Fiancée and I are four months away from the wedding.  I am completely stressed out because of all the interpersonal drama that is going on.  The biggest issue is that he has decided to have his EX WIFE be his "best man".  He says it's because she is still one of his closest friends.  The ex makes his family uncomfortable.  My FMIL has disclosed to me that she was never truly part of the family and they don't particularly like her. The ex makes me uncomfortable because she doesn't really support our getting married and has stated such to me and him (yes, we have contact with her regularly).  

    I told him about my fears that our wedding day will be overshadowed by her presence but he keeps saying that he should be allowed to choose his best man freely regardless of how the situation will make anyone else feel.  He did this last holiday when he brought both of us to a family get together.  It was tense and uncomfortable.  He said it was his family's problem not his.  He also feels I am putting the feelings of his family above his.  I'm not.  I just don't want to look back on my wedding and remember it as being uncomfortable.

    Am I being unreasonable? 

    I can see the bachelor party not going well. RED FLAGS everywhere.

    [Deleted User]simplykaylaDreamergirl8812PrettyGirlLost
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Yep, still a hell no.  I like when Wonder Woman says it better though.
    NYCMercedesDG1RebeccaB88
  • kokomo316 said:

    He did this last holiday when he brought both of us to a family get together.  It was tense and uncomfortable. 

    Whoa, whoa, whoa.  He brought BOTH OF YOU?


     


    [Deleted User][Deleted User]simplykayladoeydo
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I kind of feel like singing Beach Boys and watching Sister Wives right now.
    amaryann210Jean0715
  • SO many WTFs in here.

    So he's basically not "over" his ex?  That is all I'm getting here.
    NYCMercedes[Deleted User]simplykaylaRebeccaB88
  • dude, it's not *just* that she's his ex-wife. it's also that she has said she does not support you two getting married.

    how old are you two, how long were you dating before you got engaged, and how long have you been planning this wedding?
    image
    NYCMercedes[Deleted User][Deleted User]simplykayla
  • I'd be out.

    NYCMercedes[Deleted User]RebeccaB88
  • I hate to break it to you but I am seeing this as a major problem.  I am all for co-parenting and getting along with your ex for the sake of the children but this is taking it a bit far.  Taking both of you to a family get together seems really awkward.  What gets me the most is that she is being vocal about not being supportive of your marriage.  It would really bother me knowing that my FI was picking a best man that wasn't in full support of us and our marriage.
    NYCMercedes[Deleted User]
  • Wow. Just wow. I understand being civil but this is just kinda weird, and creepy. Put your foot down. Turn the tables and ask him how he would feel if you put him in the same situation.
    NYCMercedes
  • This is a day that should be about the two of you. Each and every person who is included in the wedding should make the bride and groom feel good. This man does not sound like he is over her. As you said, they divorced because she found someone else. Do you think it's possible that he still wants to be with her? I honestly do & I hear a lot of red flags in your story. You should take a step back.

    NYCMercedes[Deleted User]
  • I will say, I don't think everyone in the wedding necessarily needs to support it.  They DO need to keep their mouths shut if they don't. 
  • Everything about this is just...wierd.  The fact that he won't consider your feelings in all this and throws (basically) a tantrum that he should be allowed to pick his BM and then choose his ex just adds to the "wrongness" of it all.
    [Deleted User]
  • This is just plain weird. And definitely gives you reasons to pause and reexamine your relationship with your FI. I find it very odd that he would invite her to be his "best man" when she has expressed to the both of you that she does not support your marriage. I also find it to be a bad sign that he's not willing to discuss these things with you but instead seems to just shut you down - your feelings matter too.
    image
  • Oh HELL no!   I don't care how well the get along, there is no way I'd be ok with that.  The fact that he doesn't seem to care about your feelings is what bothers me most, though.
  • This should be a reboot of an Elvis song. "She's Not You...The Game of Chicken Continues"
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    ReturnOfKuus
  • Is this situation real?? I mean REALLY? I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this! This is just wrong. so wrong! Sharing custody of a child or not, this is not the correct way to go about this. I am so sorry for your situation...
    [Deleted User]
  • I talked to him last night again about how uncomfortable this is for me.  I asked him to tell me WHAT his criteria was for picking his "best person".  He said it was someone that has known him the longest and is his closest friend.  He says that she knows him better than anyone else.  He sees her as a witness to his marrying me, not necessarily a support person.  This bothers me because it's as if he is saying that she is the closest person to him.  Not me.  I am going to have to do some thinking right now.

     

  • Wow.  Just wow. This is some serious baggage.  Ex-wife is no longer family.  She is still his child's mother and that does deserve respect.  But they are 2 different families now, and the new family he is creating with you should be more important.

    I'll be honest, when DH and I were married, I didn't think of him as my BFF.  That was the person who served as my best man.  NOW DH and I are BFFs, through sheer shared experiences.  

    But BFF always supported our relationship and marriage.  

    All I can think is, Molly, you in danger girl.  Run.
    Oface4evaFran1985 simplykaylaPrettyGirlLost
  • kokomo316 said:

    They have a son together so we do have regular contact with her.  They divorced because she found someone else she wanted to be with.  They have stayed friends and co-parent together on a day-to-day basis.  My relationship with her would not be defined as friends but we are civil.  She makes me uncomfortable because she doesn't have filters.  She just says whatever she wants, whenever she wants regardless of how it will make someone feel.  She doesn't seem to understand social norms.  For example, she has stated that if asked to give a toast at the reception she would only say "I wish you well" and sit down. 

    I am wondering why he needs to do this.  What is he trying to prove to people? 

    My now DH's ex is exactly like this, but they don't have children together.  They were together 13, ended their romantic relationship, then continued to live together until she found someone else.

    When DH and I started dating, this woman was very much a part of her life.  She called for every damn thing -- cat got out, faucet is leaking, blah blah blah.  Everywhere we went, there she was.  I ran into her one day in a local dress shop.  Buying my teen daughter [who was shopping there with friends] clothes.  She sat me down and gave me her "blessing".  As if I needed it.

    I finally put my foot down and was able to show DH how this woman was using him and that her attachment to him was unhealthy for both of them and for our relationship.

    DH put my feelings ahead of the ex's and cut off all contact with this woman.  It took more than a year, I'm not kidding. When he wouldn't take her calls, she had her adult daughter call.

    OP, I think you have real problems here.  No way in hell would I marry a man who wants his ex to stand up for him over my objections.  I am very good friends with DH's ex-wife, the mother of his children.  But we are grown women and we each know our places.
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