Vent: Telling people, 'You don't have to RSVP'

HisGirlFriday13

I posted part of this on my wedding month board, but just to amuse everyone else...

Apparently, FI's grandmother is telling people on his side of the guest list that (a) the RSVP date is in October (nope, it's Sept. 25; our caterer needs the final headcount Oct. 6 for our Oct. 13 wedding, and, obtw, invites only went out TODAY), and that (b) they don't have to RSVP if they're family, because we'll know they're coming.

Uhm....no, we won't know, and yes, they do have to, and OMFG you crazy old bat-shit crazy battleaxe, what in the ever-loving FUCK do you think the PRE-STAMPED RSVP cards are FOR??

I swear to the baby Jesus, if I survive until my wedding day without killing her, it will be a damn miracle.

Simply Fated

Hopefully people ignore her. What's his family dynamic? Does she rule the roost?

kmmssg

Has FI spoken to her and told her to keep her nose out of the wedding business?

HisGirlFriday13

In order: 

1. She likes to think she does, but most of the family realise she's lost her damn marbles so they ignore her. I hope that this is one of those cases.

2. What FI said to her when he found out about this makes what I just said to her look sweet and nice. 

I keep threatening to dis-invite her (which I know I can't do, but God do I want to). The latest solution is that he and he alone will deal with her, because I can't be trusted to be nice anymore. He read her the riot act and told her in no uncertain terms that what she had done was inappropriate and she had crossed a line and it wasn't her wedding and if she can't be trusted not to give wrong information, we won't tell her anything else about the wedding at all.

She's already been told she's not needed or wanted at the RD. because I absolutely refuse to see her the day before the wedding, and because it's one more thing for her to invite people to. (She already tried to invite people to be in the wedding party).

Mostly, she's really pissed off the RSVPs are going to my parents (who are hosting the wedding; and FI and I are in the process of moving), and she won't be able to know FIRST who RSVP'd.

Weesh

Is she the infamous grandmother who was completely inappropriate at your shower?

HisGirlFriday13

@Weesh: The one and only! Good memory!

61 more days. 61 more days and we will be married and this will all be over. Right?

Weesh

I do have a good memory, ha.  I think I remember so well because your fiance totally kicked ass in that situation with how he handled it.

You will make it!  Sounds like she's bitter about the RSVP's, and also just has a completely different idea of what's socially (and etiquette) appropriate. 

Ajuliana

HisGirlFriday13 said:

@Weesh: The one and only! Good memory!

61 more days. 61 more days and we will be married and this will all be over. Right?

Is that how long her doctor says she has to live?

I also have a grandmother who I have sincerely thought about not inviting.  And by that, I mean every time she does something rude I will reference my desire to not invite her, (not to her face, but all my siblings, in laws, and parents know how I feel about her.)

HisGirlFriday13

Ajuliana said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

@Weesh: The one and only! Good memory!

61 more days. 61 more days and we will be married and this will all be over. Right?

Is that how long her doctor says she has to live?

I also have a grandmother who I have sincerely thought about not inviting.  And by that, I mean every time she does something rude I will reference my desire to not invite her, (not to her face, but all my siblings, in laws, and parents know how I feel about her.)

At the rate she is going, no, she has less time than that, on account of I will effing kill her. 

FI and I had a conversation today that went something like this:

Me: I am going to fucking kill her. No joke.

Him: If you kill her, we can't get married, because you will be in jail.

Me: Oh no I won't. I'll either get a female judge for a bench trial or an all-female jury, and as soon as I explain what all she's done -- trying to add your sister to the WP; trying to kick my nephew out of the WP; trotting out a photo of your EX-GIRLFRIEND at my BRIDAL SHOWER and talking about how she wishes you had married that girl; telling people not to RSVP; telling me daisies are common flowers but what could she expect from a Catholic? -- no jury in the WORLD would convict me. 

Him: You're very probably right. 

misssunshine17

She sounds like a serious bitch. Are you planning on maintaining any relationship with her after the wedding? If you are, after the stunt she pulled at the shower, I would make all contact go through FI. No need for you to deal with that crazy old bat. 

[Deleted User]

You have my deepest sympathies. I recently cut off my grandmother, my Dad's Mom. He's a narcissistic alcoholic drug-addicted prick who loves to play the martyr any chance he gets. Guess who he learned it from! After her upteenth attempt to guilt trip/be passive aggressive I blocked her and took her off the list. We've had a difficult relationship my entire life and her insulting my FI who she's never met was the last straw. 

Do update us about what happens please!

HisGirlFriday13

@misssunshine17: She is. And when she gets called on it, she plays the "Oh, I'm old and I don't remember and I probably won't live very much longer" pity card. So no, I am not planning on maintaining any relationship with her after the wedding. I don't have a relationship with her now, because I have lost my ability to be civil. I acknowledge that she raised FI and rescued him from the hell of his parents, but that doesn't give her the right do to the things she's done. All contact does go through FI, which annoys him, because he hates dealing with her, too. Too bad, so sad, she's your crazy grandmother.

@JordanF13 -- First of all, I "loved" your post! And thank you. And good for you -- it sounds like it needed to be done, and good for you for doing it! I wish we could cut gma off, but FI isn't quite there yet. She saved him from the abusive situation of his parents, and he feels a certain loyalty to her over that. Although his father is emotionally manipulative and mentally abusive and horribly passive-aggressive and I WONDER WHERE HE LEARNED IT??

cruffino

Grandmommy dearest. Yikes. Every family has at least one. Sorry you're dealing with this.

msdds51

I just about died when I saw your Unicorn.  Love it!  Good luck with grandma.

StephJean83

I made the decision not to invite my grandma. She has made zero effort to maintain a relationship with me. She blew off my sister when she was up here visiting for her baby shower and actually told my nephew that I am too fat for a guy to ever want to marry. I also made the decision not to invite anyone from my dad's side of the family. I did get the OK from my dad to not include his family and since they have pretty much written him off, he was beyond OK.

I'm sorry your FI's grandma is BSC. Hopefully the family realizes that they still have to RSVP. You would hope that people who have had weddings previously know they should RSVP.

Jen4948

@StephJean83, is the grandma you're not inviting your dad's mother? I'm sorry she treated you like that.

SewInLoveWithDMB

I think his grandma is over the line - I really do. But threatening to kill her? Of course she'd want a grand-daughter-in-law who probably didn't threaten her life. Not saying her behavior is appropriate: it isn't. But your posts are pretty angry...this is a public forum. 

Don't get so riled up. If people listen to grandma and don't rsvp, FI can call them after the rsvp due date to confirm they are coming.

And after they receive the invites, they will see the true rsvp and realize that grandma was wrong. (There is no way anyone on either side of ours would have known the rsvp date before the invites were sent.)

So, I may be alone in this, but take a breath and deal with her as little as possible. Don't make public death threats. Not cool. 

Stina51286

OP, I think you are taking this way too far. To threaten someone's life on a public forum is pretty stupid and childish. Like @ SewInLoveWithDMB said, yes his grandmother was out of line to do that, but its not the end of the world and it is not something to get that worked up about. There are other things in life that matter more than a little comment she made.

FI's sister flat out told me she doesn't RSVP to showers, she either shows up or doesn't. Was it rude of her to say that? Yes, did I threaten her life? No. I was annoyed, but I got over it, just like you need to do.

LakeR2014

@sewinlovewithDMB & @stina51286 relax.  She's venting and letting out some frustration on here so that she gets it out and it doesn't go to granny.   She's just venting and releasing some of the bent up anger that dearest granny has caused due to the countless passive-agressive attacks against them.  

Did she need to put the threat out there? No.  Was she being sarcastic? YES!!!  

Stop taking things so literal and grow a sense of humor.   Gees.  I really dislike the total need for political correctness our country is wallowing in.

Stina51286

@sewinlovewithDMB & @stina51286 relax.  She's venting and letting out some frustration on here so that she gets it out and it doesn't go to granny.   She's just venting and releasing some of the bent up anger that dearest granny has caused due to the countless passive-agressive attacks against them.  

Did she need to put the threat out there? No.  Was she being sarcastic? YES!!!  

Stop taking things so literal and grow a sense of humor.   Gees.  I really dislike the total need for political correctness our country is wallowing in.

 

SERIOUSLY? I think you need to lurk more. Make your way back a few months on the boards and see what other kind of reaction she would have gotten. Threatening someone's life on a public forum is not a smart thing to do, venting or not.

HisGirlFriday13

I am not threatening to kill her. I am utilizing a hyperbolic flight of verbal gyrations. I am venting. I'm not going to kill her. I'm not even going to be mean to her. I'm going to ignore her, which annoys her more than anything else.

It's venting. Chill, everyone. 

Although I did tell FI, in complete sincerity today, "One more event like this and she's dis-invited, right?" So yes, I will be that rude bride who dis-invites someone. Absolutely sincerely.

simplykayla

Sounds like grandma is a nasty one, and I for one can't blame you for wanting to vent. I'd be pretty pissed about some of the crap she's pulled too. I would definitely distance myself from her as much as possible, and I sincerely hope she doesn't cause any more problems between now and the wedding. And if she does, dis-invite her crazy ass.
As for those freaking out about the "death threats", she is obviously joking/sarcastic/not serious. She's upset (and for good reason) and needed to vent, and I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. Better it be to complete strangers on the internet than to family or grandma herself.

StephJean83

@Jen, yes she is. My mom's parent's passed away 12 yrs ago. We actually are getting married on my mom's parents' anniversary.