Advice needed

omgwtflol

I received an engagement ring but the guy was not very serious about marriage (found out he was look talking to his ex's online). 

So I broke things off with him. And tried to give the ring back but he would not take it. 

Instead of throwing the ring in the ocean, I opted to put it away (with the {broken-promise} promise ring he also gave me) for our daughters to have one day. I do not like them but because they are from daddy I'm sure they will love them later on. (Perhaps as a purity/virgin ring?!) 

Personally, I do not like the rings... Both of them remind me of unhappiness from the past. So I would never wear either again. 

Years after the big failure attempt... 

We have decided to start dating once again (we broke up for over 2 years). We have gotten serious and to a point where we could get engaged again.

I have worked very hard to put and keep the past in the past. Rocking a ring that will remind me of the bad memories and is a complete deal breaker for me. It will cause ME problems since it's a reminder of him being an a-hole in the past. I don't want to erase the past because its a learning experience but I also don't want a constant reminder of it on my finger. 

Considering our past and the way he proposed and purchased the ring and amount he spent financially and mentally were next to nothing. I feel that just because we have been engaged before I feel that it should be just as (if not more) special as the first time (which was really not special). I want something special. I always have. I don't know what but I'm sure my perfect man would know just that! I settled for less than I deserved before but I was burned and I need more than that now. I need to know that he put time and thought into it. He can blow money but he can be good with it too. I want to know that he worked his ass off to buy me something special and not himself a item. Because it makes us (ladies) feel special like that! Last time he used our tax refunds. We were spiting them 50/50 and he bought my ring with my 1/2 and a game system with his 1/2. I mean I'm not money hungry but I need to know that I'm worth more than that to him and that he can put effort into making me his. Otherwise I will not bother since I'm not 100% sure I can continue with a... hey babe, I love you, I want you to put that ring back on your finger cause I wanna get married to you. 

To me that makes me think he's not serious like last time and we have both worked on putting that behind us and spent several years apart. How could I explain or bring this up without sounding like a shallow b.... or hurting his feelings? 

Thanks ladies

Teddy917

There are plenty of men that are still friends with their exes. You didn't really specify what he was talking with her about. Just because he happens to still be a friend of his doesn't necessarily mean he wasn't serious.

I also wouldn't bring it up. You already said yourself that you expect the perfect man to know what you want. If it were me, I would drop a couple hints of what level of extravagance would be appropriate bu that's because I don't have the expectation of my husband to be a mind-reader.

MayDay513

omgwtflol said:

I received an engagement ring but the guy was not very serious about marriage (found out he was look talking to his ex's online). 

So I broke things off with him. And tried to give the ring back but he would not take it. 

Instead of throwing the ring in the ocean, I opted to put it away (with the {broken-promise} promise ring he also gave me) for our daughters to have one day. I do not like them but because they are from daddy I'm sure they will love them later on. (Perhaps as a purity/virgin ring?!) 

Personally, I do not like the rings... Both of them remind me of unhappiness from the past. So I would never wear either again. 

Years after the big failure attempt... 

We have decided to start dating once again (we broke up for over 2 years). We have gotten serious and to a point where we could get engaged again.

I have worked very hard to put and keep the past in the past. Rocking a ring that will remind me of the bad memories and is a complete deal breaker for me. It will cause ME problems since it's a reminder of him being an a-hole in the past. I don't want to erase the past because its a learning experience but I also don't want a constant reminder of it on my finger. 

Considering our past and the way he proposed and purchased the ring and amount he spent financially and mentally were next to nothing. I feel that just because we have been engaged before I feel that it should be just as (if not more) special as the first time (which was really not special). I want something special. I always have. I don't know what but I'm sure my perfect man would know just that! I settled for less than I deserved before but I was burned and I need more than that now. I need to know that he put time and thought into it. He can blow money but he can be good with it too. I want to know that he worked his ass off to buy me something special and not himself a item. Because it makes us (ladies) feel special like that! Last time he used our tax refunds. We were spiting them 50/50 and he bought my ring with my 1/2 and a game system with his 1/2. I mean I'm not money hungry but I need to know that I'm worth more than that to him and that he can put effort into making me his. Otherwise I will not bother since I'm not 100% sure I can continue with a... hey babe, I love you, I want you to put that ring back on your finger cause I wanna get married to you. 

To me that makes me think he's not serious like last time and we have both worked on putting that behind us and spent several years apart. How could I explain or bring this up without sounding like a shallow b.... or hurting his feelings? 

Thanks ladies

It sounds like there are two sets of issues: 1) the ring is too small, the ring is the same one from last time, and you paid for the ring. and 2) you wanted the proposal to be special but it wasn't.

Have you guys talked about this whole ring thing? Maybe you should give him back the rings so he can pawn them/ trade them back in at the jewelers for a credit towards a bigger ring.

Not all proposals are as hollywood makes them out to be.

Question. How are you guys filing your tax returns together?

omgwtflol

Teddy917 said:

There are plenty of men that are still friends with their exes. You didn't really specify what he was talking with her about. Just because he happens to still be a friend of his doesn't necessarily mean he wasn't serious.

Ah! Good point! I was trying to keep things short here. BTW, thanks for responding! 

(Here is a longer short version!)

We have a long history. I'm not one to care if someone is friends with the exs. Exs are exs for a reason! However, he crossed a line he had talking to his ex (romantically) while we were dating (prior to being engaged) I was also pregnant with out baby, and it was also not long after he cheated on me (sexually) with another person that was not his ex. 

When I found out, It caused lots of trust problems and he knew I would walk away if he didn't end the not so innocent friendship with her, if I even decided to stay with him. 

[Back story: it was almost repairable. It took longer to get to a good point than we had know each other at the point it happened.]

When we were engaged and he looked them up online (he initiated it). It was not sexual (that I know of) but he made it a point to not tell me and hide it from me. Then lie about it when I asked. To me that's a giant red flag and also proof (enough for me) it was not so innocent. 

So that's not serious, (serious enough for me anyway!), considering I was not willing to be with him with such baggage. 

[Like I told him, I felt like, he was not allowing me to have a choice and decide for myself. If he needed to be "friends" with someone, so much, he should've told me been upfront. Yes it was a possibility, I would have walked away. (But that did not mean - don't tell me and do it anyway!) Instead, he chose to hide/lie about it. Therefore passing himself as someone he was wasn't for the sake of having his cake and eating it too!] 

It was just a deal breaker for me! And it was I walked away and never looked back. We have kids so he was always a distant part of my life, for them. 

At some point, we slowly got to a point where we started a "new" relationship, years later. Of course, the past is still the past, and with both of us. He's still the same guy, just better boyfriend materiel now! I'm trusting that he has really grown-up and is for a committed marriage with me (like he says). We have talked about things like this and our boundaries are very clear. 

I'm not ready to jump into marriage with him (or anyone). I just want things done right for us and not because we made little people together! I'm not in a rush! 

Also I have not put the ring on my finger like he asked. I'm sure it will come up again or he will feel like I'm rejecting the idea. So it needs to be addressed soon. 

MayDay513

omgwtflol said:

Teddy917 said:

There are plenty of men that are still friends with their exes. You didn't really specify what he was talking with her about. Just because he happens to still be a friend of his doesn't necessarily mean he wasn't serious.

Ah! Good point! I was trying to keep things short here. BTW, thanks for responding! 

(Here is a longer short version!)

We have a long history. I'm not one to care if someone is friends with the exs. Exs are exs for a reason! However, he crossed a line he had talking to his ex (romantically) while we were dating (prior to being engaged) I was also pregnant with out baby, and it was also not long after he cheated on me (sexually) with another person that was not his ex. 

When I found out, It caused lots of trust problems and he knew I would walk away if he didn't end the not so innocent friendship with her, if I even decided to stay with him. 

[Back story: it was almost repairable. It took longer to get to a good point than we had know each other at the point it happened.]

When we were engaged and he looked them up online (he initiated it). It was not sexual (that I know of) but he made it a point to not tell me and hide it from me. Then lie about it when I asked. To me that's a giant red flag and also proof (enough for me) it was not so innocent. 

So that's not serious, (serious enough for me anyway!), considering I was not willing to be with him with such baggage. 

[Like I told him, I felt like, he was not allowing me to have a choice and decide for myself. If he needed to be "friends" with someone, so much, he should've told me been upfront. Yes it was a possibility, I would have walked away. (But that did not mean - don't tell me and do it anyway!) Instead, he chose to hide/lie about it. Therefore passing himself as someone he was wasn't for the sake of having his cake and eating it too!] 

It was just a deal breaker for me! And it was I walked away and never looked back. We have kids so he was always a distant part of my life, for them. 

At some point, we slowly got to a point where we started a "new" relationship, years later. Of course, the past is still the past, and with both of us. He's still the same guy, just better boyfriend materiel now! I'm trusting that he has really grown-up and is for a committed marriage with me (like he says). We have talked about things like this and our boundaries are very clear. 

I'm not ready to jump into marriage with him (or anyone). I just want things done right for us and not because we made little people together! I'm not in a rush! 

Also I have not put the ring on my finger like he asked. I'm sure it will come up again or he will feel like I'm rejecting the idea. So it needs to be addressed soon. 

The bolded. If you aren't ready. Don't put the ring on. I agree on addressing all of this soon.

omgwtflol

Teddy917 said:

...because I don't have the expectation of my husband to be a mind-reader.

Right! When I said he would know. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was expecting him to read my mind. That's not the case. 

I do not have a perfect envision in my mind of this or that. Anyone that takes the time to get to know me, knows what I like, dislike, want, and expect. I think if you get to a point of marrying someone you should have a pretty good idea of the person with out them telling you details. 

I'm one of those people that are REALLY not that hard to please. And that somethings are just not the same if you have to tell someone the details. 

I don't have a certain ring in mind, just not THAT one! I need to know that he cares enough to save and sacrifice for me. (I'm old-fashion in a certain sense)  Just something says, hey I'm not serious if they set aside some time and money to really think about what it is. Besides its something I will be wearing for the rest of my life! It's not about money. He's not wealthy, neither am I. I do not want something that's unreasonable or that means selling our first born. Just something that says hey I love you this much! Please be mine! A token that I look at and it reminds me how much I mean to him. Not how much he spent but that he saved what he could.  

omgwtflol

huynhette said:

I'm not ready to jump into marriage with him (or anyone). I just want things done right for us and not because we made little people together! I'm not in a rush! 

The bolded. If you aren't ready. Don't put the ring on. I agree on addressing all of this soon.

Any suggestions on addressing it?!? 

I have been hurt in the past so I need time on my side to show I'm not going to get hurt. I wouldn't go from engaged to marriage without living through the 4 seasons. Me & him are at a point where engagement is something to think about and consider. But I'm not in a huge rush! 

omgwtflol

huynhette said:
It sounds like there are two sets of issues: 1) the ring is too small, the ring is the same one from last time, and you paid for the ring. and 2) you wanted the proposal to be special but it wasn't.

Have you guys talked about this whole ring thing? Maybe you should give him back the rings so he can pawn them/ trade them back in at the jewelers for a credit towards a bigger ring.

Not all proposals are as hollywood makes them out to be.

Question. How are you guys filing your tax returns together?

Sorry I just missed this response. 
huynhette said:Question. How are you guys filing your tax returns together?
In the past, we figured out who would be better off claiming the kids. Then we put both returns together and split it 50/50. It worked out for us back then. We shared everything including a bank account.

huynhette said:

It sounds like there are two sets of issues: 1) the ring is too small, the ring is the same one from last time, and you paid for the ring. and 2) you wanted the proposal to be special but it wasn't.
..... 

Not all proposals are as hollywood makes them out to be.

It's not that it's too small. For the most part, I'm a less is more kind of person. I don't mind small if that's what showed an effort. No effort was made. 

The same for proposals. I don't watch much TV or movies so I really wouldn't know what hollywood couples do. It's the thought and effort that is expected! huynhette said:

Have you guys talked about this whole ring thing? Maybe you should give him back the rings so he can pawn them/ trade them back in at the jewelers for a credit towards a bigger ring.

He knows that the rings are not happy memories for me. We have not talked about it lately though. 

I'm fine giving the rings back. I have tried to give them back to him. He does not want them back. It was actually his suggestion for ME give them to the girls later on.

I think is super cool for daddy (they think the world of daddy!) to give a ring to his daughters, even if its re-purposed, for a self-respect promise ring. (I was never close to my father so its awesome seeing the girls love their father.)

[The promise ring was given to me about two weeks before our first daughter was born. The engagement ring was given to me about two weeks after our second daughter was born.] 

They did not hold up to the promises for me but it would be great to see them used as a positive ring, coming from their daddy! I have talked about this with him! 

I also have a cladding ring that has been passed down to me from my mother as a sweet 16 gift. I plan on giving it to my oldest on her sweet 16. (Family tradition is to pass on to oldest daughter on sweet 16. If no daughter oldest niece.... or first granddaughter... but to keep passing on.)

KeptInStitches

@knotporscha

BMoreBride6

KeptInStitches said:

@knotporscha

Sorry I got super confused attempting to read all this, what are we calling in KP for?

BMoreBride6

I also have a cladding ring that has been passed down to me from my mother as a sweet 16 gift. I plan on giving it to my oldest on her sweet 16. (Family tradition is to pass on to oldest daughter on sweet 16. If no daughter oldest niece.... or first granddaughter... but to keep passing on.)

*claddagh   

omgwtflol

BMoreBride6 said:

I also have a cladding ring that has been passed down to me from my mother as a sweet 16 gift. I plan on giving it to my oldest on her sweet 16. (Family tradition is to pass on to oldest daughter on sweet 16. If no daughter oldest niece.... or first granddaughter... but to keep passing on.)

*claddagh   

Thank you I missed that one  

STARMOON44

If you're going to be married to him, you need to be able to talk to him. "no, I don't want to wear that ring, it reminds me of sad times. For me, an engagement ring is a symbol of your investment in this relationship. I want it to demonstrate effort on your part"

I'd sell the rings. I think a teenager would be extremely amused to receive a promise/purity ring that was originally given to you after you got pregnant with her without being married.

myvegas4me

PAWN SHOP?? forget him if he doesn't want to commit and doesn't want the rings back they are a gift get the cash and then go for spa day.

 

omgwtflol

STARMOON44 said:

If you're going to be married to him, you need to be able to talk to him. "no, I don't want to wear that ring, it reminds me of sad times. For me, an engagement ring is a symbol of your investment in this relationship. I want it to demonstrate effort on your part" I'd sell the rings.

Perfect! Thank you for the input. This is exactly what I was going for.

mimiphin

STARMOON44 said:

If you're going to be married to him, you need to be able to talk to him. "no, I don't want to wear that ring, it reminds me of sad times. For me, an engagement ring is a symbol of your investment in this relationship. I want it to demonstrate effort on your part" I'd sell the rings. I think a teenager would be extremely amused to receive a promise/purity ring that was originally given to you after you got pregnant with her without being married.

I am glad I'm not the only one who was thinking this!