Mother's boyfriend

Mlc0914

Backstory to this, my mother cheated on my father about 4 yrs ago and now they are divorced.  As a result, needless to say, my family is strained.  My father and mother are civil with each other but I still have anxiety about how my whole wedding day is going to pan out, having my mother in the same room as my dad and his family...(siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins etc)

Anyway, my mother is still dating the guy she cheated on my father with.  My fiance and I have already decided that the boyfriend is not invited, out of respect to my father and the rest of my family, and also because I do not like the guy nor do I condone the situation that happened.

I know how my mother is (incredibly immature) and she is going to flip out when she finds out I'm not inviting her boyfriend.  But I don't really care.  It's my wedding, my fiance and I are paying for it, and she should have no say. 

Has anyone else run into this situation and done the same thing?  Or am I sounding like a brat?  I'm just trying to make sure there is no drama at my wedding and I love my dad so much I wouldn't want anything to ruin his time or make him uncomfortable either. 

Am I doing the right thing by not inviting the boyfriend? 

HisGirlFriday13

Mlc0914 said:

Backstory to this, my mother cheated on my father about 4 yrs ago and now they are divorced.  As a result, needless to say, my family is strained.  My father and mother are civil with each other but I still have anxiety about how my whole wedding day is going to pan out, having my mother in the same room as my dad and his family...(siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins etc)

Anyway, my mother is still dating the guy she cheated on my father with.  My fiance and I have already decided that the boyfriend is not invited, out of respect to my father and the rest of my family, and also because I do not like the guy nor do I condone the situation that happened.

I know how my mother is (incredibly immature) and she is going to flip out when she finds out I'm not inviting her boyfriend.  But I don't really care.  It's my wedding, my fiance and I are paying for it, and she should have no say. 

Has anyone else run into this situation and done the same thing?  Or am I sounding like a brat?  I'm just trying to make sure there is no drama at my wedding and I love my dad so much I wouldn't want anything to ruin his time or make him uncomfortable either. 

Am I doing the right thing by not inviting the boyfriend? 

No, you're not doing the right thing, and yes, you are sounding like a spoiled brat.

All social units must be invited together, regardless of how you feel about them and their existence and how they came to be. That means however much you don't like her boyfriend, you have to invite him.

The alternative is to not invite your mother.

southernbelle0915

You don't sound like a brat and I don't blame you for not wanting the guy there. HOWEVER, it's a huge etiquette faux pas to not invite the significant others of your guests. I think she would rightfully flip out if you do this. 

Of course it's your wedding and your day, but once you invite guests, you can't be rude to them. It sounds like these people are all adults - they should be able to set aside their personal issues in honor of you and your FI on your wedding day. 

Maggie0829

Not inviting him would be beyond rude.  I understand that there are still hurt feelings but everyone should be able to act like a mature adult for one day and be civil to one another, especially after 4 years.

Invite her boyfriend and then make sure that they do not sit at the same table with any of your Father's family.  And if someone does make scene then that will reflect poorly on them and not on you.

misssunshine17

You should invite the boyfriend. It's been four years and it's time to move forward. You will do irrevocable damage to the relationship between you and your mother. Either invite both or neither of them. 

aurianna

If you love and respect your mother enough to invite her to your wedding (which apparently you do), then it would make sense that you'd love and respect her enough to let her bring her significant other to your wedding. You don't have to respect what she did, but out of respect for her, her boyfriend should be invited.

Don't look at it as "I'm inviting her boyfriend because I'm ok with her cheating on my dad," but rather "I'm inviting her boyfriend because he is the other half of my mother's social unit, and while I perhaps don't approve of her choice, I still respect her enough to let her bring her partner to a social event."

I could understand its being hurtful for your father to see them together, however they are all adults, and this guy is who your mother is with. Whether the boyfriend is at the wedding or not won't change that reality. And if it's hard for your parents to be in the same room together, that would probably also be true even if the boyfriend isn't there (and possibly worse, as your mother could be on edge that her boyfriend couldn't come and would lay that blame on your father).

Not inviting your mom's boyfriend is rude to your mother. If you're willing to be rude to your mother and don't care if she'll "flip out" and be hurt and upset, then you gotta ask yourself why you're even inviting her to your wedding.
If the answer is you love her no matter what, even if you don't love all the choices she made, then host her properly and let her bring her boyfriend.

stantokm

I agree with PPs that you need to invite him. It sucks, but you really won't have to spend time with him and I'm sure that he and your father will avoid each other.

...the childish part of me wants to suggest that you somehow break them up--then your problem will be solved (but don't do that!).

TeddiD34

Ditto to all PP's advice.

 

SOs get an invite. always.

cruffino

i agree that technically its rude not to invite him but if it was me.....well eff that noise. no homewreckers allowed. period. i don't care if its rude. i'll own that.

blueobsidian

cruffino said:

i agree that technically its rude not to invite him but if it was me.....well eff that noise. no homewreckers allowed. period. i don't care if its rude. i'll own that.

Then the mother should be left out, not the boyfriend. It was HER decision to cheat on her husband.

aurianna

blueobsidian said:

cruffino said:

i agree that technically its rude not to invite him but if it was me.....well eff that noise. no homewreckers allowed. period. i don't care if its rude. i'll own that.

Then the mother should be left out, not the boyfriend. It was HER decision to cheat on her husband.

Agreed. While to this day I still have ill will towards my father's mistress, where ever she may be, it is my father who cheated on my mother and who chose to walk out on our family.

Sure, her mom's boyfriend's being there would remind OP what happened, and if he was willing to get with a woman who was married he isn't without character flaws, however it's her mother that tore up the family.

So you either set aside the pain for a night and treat your mother as an honored guest and invite her boyfriend.
Or
If you're still angry enough with your mother that you'd tear apart her social unit, then maybe it would be best that you didn't invite her at all.

cruffino

blueobsidian said:

cruffino said:

i agree that technically its rude not to invite him but if it was me.....well eff that noise. no homewreckers allowed. period. i don't care if its rude. i'll own that.

Then the mother should be left out, not the boyfriend. It was HER decision to cheat on her husband.

i know that i'm in the wrong here etiquette-wise, and i won't defend it as the right thing to do. i'm just talking from an emotional point of view. mom may have cheated on dad, but boyfriend knowingly engaged in a relationship with a married woman. both are wrong. i'd be torn up if it was my decision. 

allispain

@Mic0914 I am very familiar with this type of dynamic. A little over two years ago, my father left my mother for his secretary (how original). I tried to stay civil with him for a few months, but finally found that I couldn't get past all of the selfish and hurtful things he was saying to me, my mother, and my sister. My dad then married the woman he had left my mother for - I chose to not attend the wedding. 

Flash forward to my getting engaged - I agonized for months over whether or not to even invite him to my wedding. I didn't want my mom to have to see them together, didn't know how my mom's family would handle it, and didn't want to deal with his emotional manipulation on my wedding day. In the end, I decided to do the gracious thing and invite him. But then I agonized over what to do about inviting his wife. The very first post I ever wrote on TK was asking what to do about family pictures - because I didn't want her to be in any of them. The feedback I got was pretty harsh - I was called rude, selfish, childish, etc. It hurt to be told all of that - but in the end, it helped me make a more informed decision about how my actions would be perceived by others.

I invited both my dad and his wife to the wedding. I even met with him over coffee when I was visiting my mom for the holidays in an effort to rebuild some sort of relationship. They declined attending the wedding. It worked out for the best in the end - my mom had even started seeing someone before my wedding so she had him there as her date and they had a blast.

Had my dad decided to attend with his wife, I would have simply seated him at a table with his siblings and their spouses while my mom would have still been at the table with her side of the family. He wouldn't have walked me down the aisle or had a father-daughter dance, but he would still have processed in at the start of the ceremony (with his wife - who would have been given flowers just like DH's mom and stepmom and my mom).

Good luck figuring out how to handle your family's dynamics. It can be emotional and sometimes stressful, but I'm sure you will find your own way through it all and that your wedding day will go wonderfully!

blueobsidian

cruffino said:

blueobsidian said:

cruffino said:

i agree that technically its rude not to invite him but if it was me.....well eff that noise. no homewreckers allowed. period. i don't care if its rude. i'll own that.

Then the mother should be left out, not the boyfriend. It was HER decision to cheat on her husband.

i know that i'm in the wrong here etiquette-wise, and i won't defend it as the right thing to do. i'm just talking from an emotional point of view. mom may have cheated on dad, but boyfriend knowingly engaged in a relationship with a married woman. both are wrong. i'd be torn up if it was my decision. 

I agree that both are wrong.  I do not respect people who knowingly engage in relationships with married people.  However, I have even less respect for people who cheat on their partners.  As far as I'm concerned, if you no longer want to be in a monogamous relationship, you need to be an adult and get out of it before sleeping with someone else.

I have never understood why people seem to be able to forgive the cheater, but hold onto bad feelings for their partner.  I feel like that's really backwards.  If I couldn't forgive someone for an affair, I wouldn't be able to invite the person who broke the vows to my wedding.  I wouldn't even get to the question of inviting their partner.

Plus, OP never said if the boyfriend knew that Mom was in a relationship when they first met.  Many people who are willing to go out and cheat aren't exactly upfront about their relationship status.  Who knows?  It may not have been knowingly when it began.

Simply Fated

By not inviting the boyfriend, you're making a bad situation worse. While you might think your mom's reaction will be immature, you not inviting him is immature.
Yes, it might be painful for your dad to see him there, but this is between them, not you. Don't make decisions for them by cutting the guest list to make one side happy and the other side miserable.

You mom is the cheater, in this case. Please don't project your anger onto the boyfriend. Invite him and let your parents be adults.

WonderRed

As some who's been there with the strained family, I do not think you sound immature or like a brat at all.  You sound like an adult who is over the drama crated by her parents and would like one event to just be free of it. I get it.

But not inviting her boyfriend though, you'll just create more.  Your mother is in a long term relationship with him so he should be invited.   Seat them in different places at the ceremony and reception to minimize their contact.  If you have to, talk to them both before hand about your expectation for civility.  My brothers and I, unfortunately, still have to do this with my parents before every single family event where they will both be present together, thirty years after their divorce.