How do I let friends & family know that they will not be invited?

Blue_Bird

VitChick said:

Would like to thank everyone for their input. I can understand differing points of view. Regardless, my point of view & wishes matter most Therein lies the problem, this mistaken belief. So I have not been shamed into inviting SOs, and am moving forward with my plans. This is actually more to do with my MOH and my great friend Z who used to be a couple, and well now she can't stand him and hasn't seen him since they broke up. I don't need for those 2, and their SOs to become clickish at my small wedding Their choice of whom to socialize with at the reception is none of your concern, as you are the host, not your bridal party, and I would hope that you would have a bit more confidence in your dear friends, but I will not choose between the two of them, as to who can attend my wedding. My apologies for not having having made that detail known prior. I guess that, I don't believe in standing on ceremony and inviting more people than I could possibly want to host. For those who find this rude that, is honestly okay with me.  Then I have to wonder why you posted on an etiquette board at all. Also, the $2000 is for everything from invites,dress, suit, shoes, court fees, cupcakes, lunch reception, hair & makeup, and not just the reception alone.

I have only mentioned to those who have asked if they're invited, that they are not. That is truly the way to go.

Good luck to you and your FI.

crunchymamaof2

VitChick said:

Would like to thank everyone for their input. I can understand differing points of view. Regardless, my point of view & wishes matter most. So I have not been shamed into inviting SOs, and am moving forward with my plans. This is actually more to do with my MOH and my great friend Z who used to be a couple, and well now she can't stand him and hasn't seen him since they broke up. I don't need for those 2, and their SOs to become clickish at my small wedding, but I will not choose between the two of them, as to who can attend my wedding. My apologies for not having having made that detail known prior. I guess that, I don't believe in standing on ceremony and inviting more people than I could possibly want to host. For those who find this rude that, is honestly okay with me. Also, the $2000 is for everything from invites,dress, suit, shoes, court fees, cupcakes, lunch reception, hair & makeup, and not just the reception alone.

I have only mentioned to those who have asked if they're invited, that they are not. That is truly the way to go.

When you choose to invite other people to your wedding it stops being about you and your wishes. You are breaking your own "rule" of only hosting those you can afford. You CAN'T afford to host all those you plan on inviting because you've left their SO's off. And you're reasoning for doing so is terrible. Everyone should be adult enough to deal with seeing exes and new SO's at your wedding. If they don't that's not your problem.

Just because they told you they weren't offended by your rudeness doesn't mean they are. And I highly doubt you really don't care if the people you claim to be closest to are hurt and appalled by it and saying so to one another.

crunchymamaof2

cheapbrideincentpa said:

I do NOT see the big deal with not inviting SO's. We are having a much larger wedding than you, and most SOs will not be invited. FI and I have each been invited to weddings without the other, and it was never a big deal to us. Honestly if someone really takes issue with it, they won't come- no sweat off my back.  Our closest friends get a date, but only because we are also friends with the SO as well. Cousin Johnie who we haven't seen in 10 years and is only getting an invite because he is part of the circle, will not. I'm not a fan of having people we never met at our wedding.

If any of your other friends ask, I'd say that we are planning a courthouse wedding/eloping.

In all seriousness why are you even on this board? We all get that you want to be the rudest bride on the planet, but this is an etiquette board. Anyone who knows proper etiquette knows your advice goes against it and proper etiquette is the entire point of this board. Your posts just confuse new posters more and make you look like a crappy, self centered person. Why not just find another board that fits your "style' more?

grumbledore

1.  Only inviting SOs for married couples is rude.

2.  Telling people what to wear to your wedding (unless the venue has a dress code) is rude.

3.  Telling people they are not invited is rude.

4.  I hope you are paying for everyone's dinners off of the menu?  If you aren't, then asking guests to pay for their own food at a party you are hosting is also rude.

If you correct these things, then it sounds like a lovely wedding and I'm sure you and your guests will have a wonderful day.

aurianna

VitChick said:

Would like to thank everyone for their input. I can understand differing points of view. Regardless, my point of view & wishes matter most. So I have not been shamed into inviting SOs, and am moving forward with my plans. This is actually more to do with my MOH and my great friend Z who used to be a couple, and well now she can't stand him and hasn't seen him since they broke up. I don't need for those 2, and their SOs to become clickish at my small wedding, but I will not choose between the two of them, as to who can attend my wedding. My apologies for not having having made that detail known prior. I guess that, I don't believe in standing on ceremony and inviting more people than I could possibly want to host. For those who find this rude that, is honestly okay with me. Also, the $2000 is for everything from invites,dress, suit, shoes, court fees, cupcakes, lunch reception, hair & makeup, and not just the reception alone.

I have only mentioned to those who have asked if they're invited, that they are not. That is truly the way to go.

You are essentially telling your MOH, who I assume is your dearest friend in the world: "Even though you are doing me the honor of standing up with me on the most important day of my life, I am not letting you bring the most important person in your life to an event that is supposed to be about love. And a big reason for that decision is I do not have enough trust that you and Z will act like adults at my wedding."
No matter how you phrased it, that is what you are saying to her. How can you possibly be ok saying this to your best friend?

She can tell you she's ok with it all she wants. Unfortunately unless you can read minds you have no way of knowing if she's actually ok with it. I know if it were me, I'd be hurt. But I wouldn't want to upset my friend, the bride, so I wouldn't tell her how I really felt. It is possible this is what she's doing. It's actually a STRONG possibility this is what she's doing. How can you be ok going through with this plan when it's possible you hurt your friend?

And also... your reasoning for not wanting MOH and Z's SOs there doesn't make much logical sense. I would think it would be way more awkward to have MOH and Z stuck in close proximity to each other without their SOs as buffers. Instead you are going to limit the people they have to talk to. You are going to put more pressure on their mutual friends who will feel obligated to talk to both of them (since they won't have dates), but won't be able to talk to them both at the same time. You don't want it to be "clique-ish", but honestly I think it would be easier for me as a guest to talk to MOH for a while and then leave to talk to someone else if I knew that MOH still had her BF to talk to. By inviting MOH and Z solo, I think it's possible that the lines will be drawn early in the night and you'll get the cliques you wanted to avoid (though, as PP have said, how other people choose to socialize at your wedding is not your choice anyway). I'm just saying that if this was a big reason for not inviting them, I don't think it's a good one.

mysticl

Have you cleared your wedding with the courthouse?  Maybe I'm wrong but it sounds like you are just planning on showing up and having a friend marry you on the steps and you are not actually having a courthouse wedding where you are married by a J. P.   Courthouses are very secure buildings with very strict rules.  If you don't have their permission you should look into seeing if this is actually possible, being forced to move your wedding location in the middle of the ceremony would kinda suck.

VitChick

Cleared it with the Local Courthouse, so long as I get someone deputized they're okay with my arrangement. Short ceremony is planned 5 mins tops. I made sure to ask about that, they were kind enough to give several options for local public places that would not require a permit.

VitChick

grumbledore said:

1.  Only inviting SOs for married couples is rude.

2.  Telling people what to wear to your wedding (unless the venue has a dress code) is rude.

3.  Telling people they are not invited is rude.

4.  I hope you are paying for everyone's dinners off of the menu?  If you aren't, then asking guests to pay for their own food at a party you are hosting is also rude.

If you correct these things, then it sounds like a lovely wedding and I'm sure you and your guests will have a wonderful day.

I believe the board has established my behavior as rude. I was expecting more helpful comments, and not attacks on my plans. Of course I am paying for all the meals, and drinks, and wedding favors. This is the one day that, I get married, and well if I want people to dress up, then darn it I feel obliged to let them know it. I am being honest with those who have asked if they have an invite, and I have told them that it is a small private ceremony with very few guests. I will not correct these things, but I will have a wonderful day.

aurianna

VitChick said:

I believe the board has established my behavior as rude. I was expecting more helpful comments, and not attacks on my plans. Of course I am paying for all the meals, and drinks, and wedding favors. This is the one day that, I get married, and well if I want people to dress up, then darn it I feel obliged to let them know it. I am being honest with those who have asked if they have an invite, and I have told them that it is a small private ceremony with very few guests. I will not correct these things, but I will have a wonderful day.

If people ask if they are invited there is nothing wrong with telling them that you're having a very small and private ceremony. I think previous posters have said as much. This is, of course, assuming you aren't talking about your wedding a lot to people who aren't invited. If you're talking a lot about your wedding to people they might assume they are invited, hence their asking you. Best to just not discuss it with people you don't plan on inviting or they could inadvertently feel like you're rubbing their noses in the fact that they aren't invited (not that you're doing this; just covering the bases just in case).

As to the bolded... come on. Take a step back and realize how incredibly entitled that sounds. These are 11 of your closest friends. Do you really think that any of them are so dumb as to not realize they should dress up for a wedding? And where do you get off thinking you are so important that you're justified in telling other people what to do?
Yes a wedding can be one of the most important events in a couple's lives, but in the grand scheme? Weddings happen thousands of times a day, every day. They do not imbue the couple with the right to treat their guests like subordinates.

If you have people that care about you enough to stand on the steps in the rain to watch you get married, then you owe them the courtesy of treating them like adults and giving them the benefit of the doubt that they can dress themselves.
You should also be a good hostess and let them all bring the other half of their social unit to your social event.


I understand it's hard to hear that your plans are rude; that's never fun. However people here are being helpful. We're trying to give you proper etiquette advice and advise you to move in a direction that won't end up hurting/offending your nearest-and-dearest wedding guests.

sweetcandy girl

My FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselfs. I have been working 3 jobs to save for my special day. I invited people who are married and not their SO. We simply can not afford extra guests. There is an extra cost to everything!

I say if you are having a small wedding or doing a wedding on a tight budget invite who you want to invite or could afford to invite. Friends and family need and should be open and accepting to your reasons.

MuppetOverlord

sweetcandy girl said:

My FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselfs. I have been working 3 jobs to save for my special day. I invited people who are married and not their SO. We simply can not afford extra guests. There is an extra cost to everything! I say if you are having a small wedding or doing a wedding on a tight budget invite who you want to invite or could afford to invite. Friends and family need and should be open and accepting to your reasons.

You can say what you want but you were rude to your guests. Plan the wedding that you can properly host your guests. If you cannot host them properly, then cut down your guest list, have a longer engagement, get a fourth job, have your fiance get extra jobs, cut down your wedding expenses, find a wealthier mate, win the lottery, or sell an organ to the black market to raise funds.

I would understand no invite at all due to finances over an invite for me without my partner which is outright disrespect to both of us.

What you are going to have is a lot of people telling you they understand, but the simple fact is that they are being more polite than you are by keeping their true feelings to themselves.

MuppetOverlord

VitChick said:

grumbledore said:

1.  Only inviting SOs for married couples is rude.

2.  Telling people what to wear to your wedding (unless the venue has a dress code) is rude.

3.  Telling people they are not invited is rude.

4.  I hope you are paying for everyone's dinners off of the menu?  If you aren't, then asking guests to pay for their own food at a party you are hosting is also rude.

If you correct these things, then it sounds like a lovely wedding and I'm sure you and your guests will have a wonderful day.

I believe the board has established my behavior as rude. I was expecting more helpful comments, and not attacks on my plans. Of course I am paying for all the meals, and drinks, and wedding favors. This is the one day that, I get married, and well if I want people to dress up, then darn it I feel obliged to let them know it. I am being honest with those who have asked if they have an invite, and I have told them that it is a small private ceremony with very few guests. I will not correct these things, but I will have a wonderful day.

All comments were helpful. You just don't like them.

I truly feel bad for your friends and family to be treated with such deliberate disrespect and callousness.

KickAssMOH

If I were your MOH and instead of inviting me with my SO, you invited me alone and forced me to spend the evening with my ex, I would be upset and confused. I would be looking forward to getting your wedding over and done with rather than looking forward to celebrating the day with you. I'm sure your MOH is being very sweet and understanding about it to your face, but that's a crappy situation to put your best friend in.

banana468

KickAssMOH said:

If I were your MOH and instead of inviting me with my SO, you invited me alone and forced me to spend the evening with my ex, I would be upset and confused. I would be looking forward to getting your wedding over and done with rather than looking forward to celebrating the day with you. I'm sure your MOH is being very sweet and understanding about it to your face, but that's a crappy situation to put your best friend in.

THIS.

I have a good friend who couldn't wait for her sister's wedding to be over. Is that really how you want to treat these people?

MuppetOverlord

I just went to a wedding that I couldn't wait to be over while they were still in the planning process and it only got worse while the wedding was happening.

Actually,  the couple is no longer welcome in my home.

banana468

MuppetOverlord said:

I just went to a wedding that I couldn't wait to be over while they were still in the planning process and it only got worse while the wedding was happening.

Actually,  the couple is no longer welcome in my home.

Get out! Was something said to them?

MuppetOverlord

banana468 said:

I just went to a wedding that I couldn't wait to be over while they were still in the planning process and it only got worse while the wedding was happening.

Actually,  the couple is no longer welcome in my home.

Get out! Was something said to them?

Nope. The wedding I speak of is the Tacktackular one of my best man (I think you've seen all that?). We can't kick him out of our wedding because they work together.

Most of their friends didn't attend the wedding because of rudeness leading up to it,  the guests were supplemented with patrons of a bar she works with. The rest of us had to go because we had a part in the wedding party and we dreaded every minute right up to it and right after it.

Most of the people in the wedding party are no longer speaking to the bride and groom. We stopped inviting them over. It's actually making us want to get past our wedding to some extent so we don't have to deal with them. We are having trouble finding a seat for them at our wedding because no one wants to sit with them.

This is the affect that rudeness can have on relationships you have with people before and after the wedding.

snoopycac

Oh my word! I am seriously sick of the whole "I'm paying for the wedding myself and I'm on a budget to I can't properly host my guests" Here is my two cents ...

My budget is 4,000 (only 2,000 more than you). And somehow I am able to have a beautiful wedding with all the fixin's and have all 150 of my guests properly taken care of. That 150 includes all of my friends and family AND their SO's. As a compromise - my dress is from Goodwill, my mom is doing my flowers, I made my own invitations. -- If this is possible, I am sure that a wedding on a $2,000 budget for 22 people certainly possible!

PrettyGirlLost

KickAssMOH said:

If I were your MOH and instead of inviting me with my SO, you invited me alone and forced me to spend the evening with my ex, I would be upset and confused. I would be looking forward to getting your wedding over and done with rather than looking forward to celebrating the day with you. I'm sure your MOH is being very sweet and understanding about it to your face, but that's a crappy situation to put your best friend in.

Not only that, but frankly if I was your MOH I'd step down and probably not attend your wedding, or I'd attend the ceremony only and then leave.  I wouldn't want to spend all day with my ex.

PrettyGirlLost

sweetcandy girl said:

My FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselfs. I have been working 3 jobs to save for my special day. I invited people who are married and not their SO. We simply can not afford extra guests. There is an extra cost to everything! I say if you are having a small wedding or doing a wedding on a tight budget invite who you want to invite or could afford to invite. Friends and family need and should be open and accepting to your reasons.

Sorry, but from an etiquette standpoint this entire post

MuppetOverlord

If we host weddings "ourselfs", does that mean anything goes?

courtski2004

sweetcandy girl said:

My FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselfs. I have been working 3 jobs to save for my special day. I invited people who are married and not their SO. We simply can not afford extra guests. There is an extra cost to everything! I say if you are having a small wedding or doing a wedding on a tight budget invite who you want to invite or could afford to invite. Friends and family need and should be open and accepting to your reasons.

Sorry, if my friends treated me like a third rate citizen and didn't include my invitation with one to my husband as well (or if I was in a long term relationship and you didn't include my SO), I wouldn't attend. I understand being on a budget but if you can't consider my comfort, then I really won't forget about how rude you were. I won't ask you your reasons, because it would be rude for me to ask why you can't include my SO. As another PP said, once you invite guests, your day isn't all about you anymore.

Maybe being open and accepting to etiquette is really what is needed here. But, if you don't care about alienating your friends, then knock your socks off--don't invite SO's and keep qualifiying it despite the rude implications.

phira

You may be on a budget, but you are still expected to be a gracious and polite host for your guests. If your budget is too small to invite significant others, then you need to either cut your guest list even further, or you need to cut costs in other areas.

If you cannot afford to properly host the event, then don't host the event--elope.

[Deleted User]

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[Deleted User]

TheBaysideBride

OP - your post got hijacked! As said before, to best protect feelings of friends and family who aren't invited, keep wedding talk/posts to a minimum. One of my very close friends had a courthouse wedding and reception for about 20, and I wasn't invited, and there was about 10 minutes of slight discomfort as we talked about it the next time I saw her (she showed me pics and i was scanning for peopel i knew who were invivted) but honestly, it was the right decision for her, we still are very close and it's fine. Good friends will be a little bummed that they weren't there to celebrate, but they'll understand.

SingleMom31

Not everyone gets upset over the SO thing. If I knew that the budget was tight and I was invited without SO, I'd be honored to be included within the few that ARE invited and come with a lovely gift and a good attitude. SO and I are invited to various functions without each other (professionally and socially), and never once have thought it was disrespectful despite us being a family (living together with our daughter and finally making it official next week).

OP, I think your sentiments that you're having a small wedding with a few friends and family members is lovely. Nobody can argue with that.

Fran1985

I'm noticing a strong correlation between people who call it "my special day" and people who are going to rudely defend whatever they are doing. 

Seriously I am so excited for my wedding, I would never be able to type out "my special day" without gagging. 

phira

@boston2823 Exactly. They're the people who are going to do whatever they want, with no concern about etiquette, because it's THEIR DAY and how DARE you tell them they can't have their wedding exactly the way they imagine it?

Also, hi, fellow Bostonian!

Fran1985

@phira, hello!