Step daughter

jenniferbauer2305

 

GypsyWife_

A pair of dress pants and a blazer will be fine for a wedding.

HisGirlFriday13

Your FSD is wrong about the date, that's for sure. But she's probably upset that her father is getting re-married, and that plays into it.

Don't fight with her on this. Let it go for now -- you have time -- and see if she comes around. If not, let her father deal with her. 

NYCBruin

jenniferbauer2305 said:

Ok so we have picked the day for our wedding and the colors and all that. It is April 19 of next year. My fiance's daughter who is 17 flat out told me she is not wearing a dress to the wedding. Her other complaint was that the date we picked was too close to her birthday and we needed to change the date. I told her that's not happening but she is still not very happy. Her birthday is May 11 so it's not even all that close. But anyways I told her she is not wearing jeans to the wedding and she said if she has to wear a dress than she is not coming. I told her if she can find some nice slacks she can wear those but I really don't want her wearing jeans at all. I know dresses are not her thing but this day is not about her. I don't know what kind of pants would be good for a wedding or if I should just tell her to suck it up and wear a dress. Any helpful advice??? I want to enjoy this day and not stress about it but I don't want casual wear at my wedding. Thanks in advance

First off, your wedding is a long way off so this seems like a silly thing to be worrying about now.  She may change her mind by then.

Second, it's really not that big of a deal if she does wear jeans.  Seriously, it's not going to ruin the wedding.  However, if she boycotts the wedding over this, that might ruin your relationship with her or seriously damage it.

She's 17.  It's probably not worth getting in a fight over this about.  You can't force her to wear something specific if she doesn't want to.  I would offer to take her shopping and buy her an outfit of her choosing (maybe a nice pair of slacks and a blouse), say something like "I understand you don't want to wear a dress, why don't we go shopping and I'll buy you an outfit that isn't a dress but is a bit more formal than jeans"

MobKaz

jenniferbauer2305 said:

Ok so we have picked the day for our wedding and the colors and all that. It is April 19 of next year. My fiance's daughter who is 17 flat out told me she is not wearing a dress to the wedding. Her other complaint was that the date we picked was too close to her birthday and we needed to change the date. I told her that's not happening but she is still not very happy. Her birthday is May 11 so it's not even all that close. But anyways I told her she is not wearing jeans to the wedding and she said if she has to wear a dress than she is not coming. I told her if she can find some nice slacks she can wear those but I really don't want her wearing jeans at all. I know dresses are not her thing but this day is not about her. I don't know what kind of pants would be good for a wedding or if I should just tell her to suck it up and wear a dress. Any helpful advice??? I want to enjoy this day and not stress about it but I don't want casual wear at my wedding. Thanks in advance

The best way to avoid stress and enjoy the day is to simply not battle a teenager on what she wears. Your wedding is not for another 8 months. Without sounding condescending or generalized, 8 months in "teen years" can make a big difference in attitude and opinion. I would drop the subject completely for now. As the holidays roll around, there will be a lot of appropriate but non dress options at the department stores. You can casually look, together if possible, at some of the options. Set some general guidelines for her......no jeans, no sneakers, or whatever else you have a strong disdain for.....and trust her to make a decent choice.

Teddy917

Another thing that might help with both problems is allow her to bring a date. It might make her happy enough that she won't care about the date and she'll probably want to look nice for him.

MoonlightSilver

You're fighting with a 17 year old over jeans. Do you realize that?

Think about what you're doing. You could ruin any chance at a good relationship you have with a young woman who will be in your life forever just because you don't want her to wear certain clothing on one certain day. That seems really childish. Banning her from the wedding is an awful idea.

MuppetOverlord

You're going to come across as the wicked stepmother.

Let your fiance deal with his daughter. Period.

Let your fiance answer the question about the date.

Let your fiance deal with the dress closer to the wedding. Jeans are definitely not going to ruin your wedding even if they do occur.

Simply Fated

Jeans are the least of your problem. Or are we using jeans as a metaphor?

What your future stepdaughter wears is actually not really your business. Let her dad handle it.

This is not a battle you'll want to fight unless you want to join the Disney Stepmother Coven.

kmmssg

I see so much going on here.

I have 4 grown DDs.  We had drama, drama, drama.  There is less than 6 years between oldest and youngest so someone was 14 all the time.  It sucked.  They have been told REPEATEDLY that my nursing home better rock for getting through that.  2 are my bio daughters, 2 are my stepdaughters.

First off - why are you sucking into this meaningless drama?  If she doesn't want to wear a dress, make sure she has some slacks and a cool blazer.  If she wears jeans the absolute DUMBEST thing you can do is make an issue of it.  She is going to be your family - your stepchild.  The most important thing is that she is there, she feels welcomed there and that  you guys love her.  Everything else is incredibly unimportant.  Make sure she knows she is wanted there.

She is 17.  This is what teenagers do.  She is facing her dad getting remarried.  Lots of teenage girls do NOT want that to happen.  She did not sign up to have her parents divorced.  She did not sign up to want stepparents.  This is all stuff she has to go through and it is all due to the decisions of the grown ups around her.

How you treat her for the wedding day will plant very important seeds for your relationship in years to come.  You can plant ugly weeds, or you can plant a future beautiful garden.  What will it be?

FTR - my youngest bio DD was seriously pissed I was getting married.  DH stood beside me as I dealt with it as she was my child.  He did nothing to harm the relationship and here we are almost 17 years later and everyone is very close.

Have you seen that washer commercial where the DD has a big freak  out because her mom washed her jeans?  Listen to it.  The mom doesn't suck into the drama fest, stays calm, and doesn't get upset.  Watch that.  Then, do it.

I wish you the best here, but you are worrying about the wrong things.  When the time comes, offer to take her shopping and go with whatever she picks out.  If she is playing drama queen and wants to tick you off, she fails because you went with what she chose.  If she is serious about what she chooses then you had a great day together.

Please, really rethink this whole thing.  Been there, done that, better get a kick ass nursing home out of it.

WonderRed

This isn't a hill worth dying on so just let it go.  She's looking for a reason to bait you with both of these issues because 1. she's a teenager and 2.  she probably has some anxiety and fear about her dad getting remarried and what that means for her.    I agree with pp that you need to turn this one over to your FI to deal with.  Just keep your planning going and don't get sucked in to her teenage angst.

jenniferbauer2305

First of all I have a great relationship with her. And I NEVER said I was going to ban her from the wedding. Never. I just don't want her wearing jeans. Period. I was really just wanting some advice as to what would be some nice ideas for slacks to wear not to be told I am being childish.

HobokensFury

Pp have hit the nail on the head.

s-aries8990

jenniferbauer2305 said:

1) First of all I have a great relationship with her. And 2) I NEVER said I was going to ban her from the wedding. Never. I just don't want her wearing jeans. Period. I was really just wanting some advice as to what would be some nice ideas for slacks to wear 3) not to be told I am being childish.

1) You never mentioned your relationship with her, so we have to assume it isn't good if you're fighting with her about DENIM.
2) You made JEANS seem like a big deal, so yeah, you may not have said it, but your tone indicated it.
3) Arguing with her about her attire IS childish.

You've made your peace, so let it go for another 6-7 months. Her dad can field any problems/questions/concerns/comments she has. Dress slacks and a more-formal top would be more than appropriate.

MuppetOverlord

jenniferbauer2305 said:

First of all I have a great relationship with her. And I NEVER said I was going to ban her from the wedding. Never. I just don't want her wearing jeans. Period. I was really just wanting some advice as to what would be some nice ideas for slacks to wear not to be told I am being childish.

Re-read your post. You seem really annoyed and challenged by her. You explain that you're arguing with her. You explain that she says if she can't wear jeans, she's not coming. You are anticipating stress about her wearing jeans 8 months from now.

We can only react to the details we are provided and the tone your writing projects and what you provided and projected got you the responses above. 

I believe you expected us to pat you on the back about this crazy stress she's putting you through and you didn't get the response you expected.

PrettyGirlLost

jenniferbauer2305 said:

First of all I have a great relationship with her. And I NEVER said I was going to ban her from the wedding. Never. I just don't want her wearing jeans. Period. I was really just wanting some advice as to what would be some nice ideas for slacks to wear not to be told I am being childish.

I am asking this very politely and with no snark what so ever- why does the attire of your step daughter or any guest on your wedding day matter that much to you?  Why is anyone wearing jeans so terrible?

What other people wear will really have no affect on you at all, and I will bet that you will be so busy on your wedding day that you won't even notcie what other people are wearing.

Simply Fated

This totally made me think of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, when Carmen showed up to the wedding in those unwashed mangy jeans. Remember? Her new stepmom holds out her hand to Carmen and has her join her stepsister beside her. It made for a very sweet moment. Carmen was in something that made her feel safe and comfortable and the stepmom was just so happy to have another chance, the jeans didn't bother her. Seriously, it's just jeans.
If the stepdaughter agrees to wear other type of pants, then great! But, really, there is no need to push the issue.

HobokensFury

OP doing a DD when you do t get the responses you want is rude.

MuppetOverlord

HobokenBride2012 said:

OP doing a DD when you do t get the responses you want is rude.

And funny since her comments were copied to other posts.

she22ybe22y

As far as her not wanting to wear a dress, it sounds like that us her life style and you should respect that. Let her know that she is an important part of the family and she will be in many pictures and you would appreciate it if she "dressed up" such as in a pair of slacks, dress paints & blouse or suit, ect.

As for the wedding being about a week away from her birthday, she could be experiencing stress from fear of being pushed out of the family, even tbough she may denigh it. If she was a child, I'd say change the wedding date, but she is almost an adult and she'll eventually realize the world does not revolve around her (although don't say that!). Though I can't say she see it that way before your wedding day, stress to her that you do see her birthday as important and she will not be forgotten. Be sure and follow through and don't forget about her- it will be very close to the wedding day!

she22ybe22y

Just had a new thought- she'll be graduating highschool during that time? It'll be her time to be in the limelight as she transends into an adult. That may be the underlying problem- that you'll steal her thunder with the wedding.

smalfrie19

she22ybe22y said:

Just had a new thought- she'll be graduating highschool during that time? It'll be her time to be in the limelight as she transends into an adult. That may be the underlying problem- that you'll steal her thunder with the wedding.

This is ABSOLUTE BS! I shared my Graduation DAY with a family member's wedding and I was HAPPY to be at her wedding.

artbyallie

smalfrie19 said:

she22ybe22y said:

Just had a new thought- she'll be graduating highschool during that time? It'll be her time to be in the limelight as she transends into an adult. That may be the underlying problem- that you'll steal her thunder with the wedding.

This is ABSOLUTE BS! I shared my Graduation DAY with a family member's wedding and I was HAPPY to be at her wedding.

Well, congratulations to you on being slightly more mature as a teenager. Not all of them would react that way.