Regretting my decision

barretc3

My MOH and one of my fiance's groomsmen have been dating for 4 years. We both asked them to be part of our wedding party because they have been very good friends to us. My MOH recently confessed to me that she is planning on breaking things off with her boyfriend. I don't agree with the reasons why she is breaking it off with him (infidelity on her part...) and am seriously shocked that she is behaving this way. She is showing a side to her character that I have never seen before, and I am questioning my friendship with her. I am 99% sure that things will not end well between the two of them. As selfish as it is on my part, I don't want to have to deal with the drama that this will bring to my wedding. I feel like if we keep both of them in the wedding party, that their drama will overtake our day. I know it is bad etiquette to ask a MOH to step down, but I honestly don't know what to do. I wouldn't be surprised if our friendship turned sour over this, especially because my fiance now wants nothing to do with her because of how she is treating his friend. I can't bring myself to have a MOH that my fiance can't stand. Feedback??

Blue_Bird

If you're 100% sure that you're ready to end your friendship forever, I suppose you can go for it. Keep in mind that this is a crappy time to do this to your friend, considering the fact that she's breaking up with her boyfriend. I understand that from your conversations and observations that you see this as 100% her bad, but you never know the whole story in any couple's relationship. You should also keep in mind that this WILL reflect poorly on you to your friends and family.

If you've considered all of that, and what you're anticipating is worth it to you, then I suppose you should follow your instinct.

mrsbizzz

barretc3 said:

My MOH and one of my fiance's groomsmen have been dating for 4 years. We both asked them to be part of our wedding party because they have been very good friends to us. My MOH recently confessed to me that she is planning on breaking things off with her boyfriend. I don't agree with the reasons why she is breaking it off with him (infidelity on her part...) and am seriously shocked that she is behaving this way. She is showing a side to her character that I have never seen before, and I am questioning my friendship with her. I am 99% sure that things will not end well between the two of them. As selfish as it is on my part, I don't want to have to deal with the drama that this will bring to my wedding. I feel like if we keep both of them in the wedding party, that their drama will overtake our day. I know it is bad etiquette to ask a MOH to step down, but I honestly don't know what to do. I wouldn't be surprised if our friendship turned sour over this, especially because my fiance now wants nothing to do with her because of how she is treating his friend. I can't bring myself to have a MOH that my fiance can't stand. Feedback??

I agree with Blue. If you ask her to step down, you might lose the friendship. It's also a rough time for her and it will come off as you are putting your wedding before her. Think this through.

I personally think you should proceed as is. You need to trust that they will act like adults on your wedding day. If you have a major doubt that they will be able to hold it together, then follow your instinct.

Also, when is your wedding? Is there any chance things will have cooled down between them by then?

NYCMercedes

There is very little likelihood that your MOH friend splitting with her boyfriend will cause any drama or take any attention from you on your wedding day. They are both adults that care vey much for their friends and will probably both behave. Don't they normally behave well? Give them the benefit of the doubt. Stop borrowing trouble.

misssunshine17

 Most ladies on TK don't condone kicking BP members out because this is a friendship ending move and generally makes you look bad. I would think very long and hard about doing anything. Your friend is clearly having issues and she probably needs you now as a friend. 

mlg78

I'd also like to know when your wedding is.  It really seems like you're jumping the gun over nothing... You don't know how either party will be reacting to the breakup.  Wait until things transpire and see how they play out...then decide if you want to make this friendship-ending move.

vk2204

barretc3 said:

My MOH and one of my fiance's groomsmen have been dating for 4 years. We both asked them to be part of our wedding party because they have been very good friends to us. My MOH recently confessed to me that she is planning on breaking things off with her boyfriend. I don't agree with the reasons why she is breaking it off with him (infidelity on her part...) and am seriously shocked that she is behaving this way. She is showing a side to her character that I have never seen before, and I am questioning my friendship with her. I am 99% sure that things will not end well between the two of them. As selfish as it is on my part, I don't want to have to deal with the drama that this will bring to my wedding. I feel like if we keep both of them in the wedding party, that their drama will overtake our day. I know it is bad etiquette to ask a MOH to step down, but I honestly don't know what to do. I wouldn't be surprised if our friendship turned sour over this, especially because my fiance now wants nothing to do with her because of how she is treating his friend. I can't bring myself to have a MOH that my fiance can't stand. Feedback??

Why does this even matter?

Maggie0829

I agree with vk2204.  Why does it even matter if you do not agree with her reasons.  It is her relationship not yours.  Does it suck that she cheated on her boyfriend?  Yes.  But she doesn't need your judgement she needs your friendship.  People make mistakes and your friend needs some compassion.  And for you to basically write her off so easily because she made a mistake really shows your true level of friendship with her and she may be better off without you as a friend.  But if you want to salvage this friendship I suggest you stop worrying about your wedding and start worrying about your friend.  Be there for her.  You don't always have to agree with every decision she makes but is this something you are really willing to end a friendship over?

As for your FI, he is just upset with her because he screwed over his friend.  He will get over it or at least get to a point of being cordial with her.  But right now all of this is fresh and he is just acting like a good friend to his GM.

Jen4948

If you ask her to step down, it is a friendship-ending move, so consider this really carefully before you do it.

Whether or not she's been unfaithful to her ex, or whatever other reasons she is breaking up with him, really aren't your or your FI's business and shouldn't be a factor in whether or not she's your MOH.  You both need to stay out of her relationships.

All you need to be is civil to her.  Let it go at that.

lacelover

I had a similar situation, I hired my very close friend to be my wedding photographer. She also happened to be the wife of my fiance's coworker/ friend. We hired her last November, she decided to leave her husband this last April. On multiple occassions I asked her if she was comfortable with her husband being in a groomsmen, since she was the wedding photographer. Her response was " I don't ask anyone to take sides". Fast forward 3 months, she found out we had her estranged husband and their two kids over for a BBQ, she freaked. Refunded my money and cut ties with us, but specificly me. Her reason was "It's her job to protect her children from people like me, we are negative energy." I asked if she wanted to wait for these to cool down and try to salavge our friendship, her response was "We aren't friends, will never be friends since we are clearly are ok with his behavior."

So in the end I lost not only my wedding photographer but also my friend. In my opinion her mature level didn't go past high school level. We weren't taking sides, we would never put her kids in any situation that would be questionable. If she didn't want to be my photographer, fine I can find another. She didn't want to be my friend, her choice.

Is your friend mature enough to act like an adult? If she's not, and you don't want to be friends with her for her life choices, then go for it. If you can look past her choices, would you still want her as your MOH?

OliveOilsMom

Take the wedding out of it, if you want to end the friendship, end the friendship.  She will naturally be out of the wedding then.  If she purchased a BM dress already, it would be good of you to reimburse her for the costs.

However, I think you should give everything sometime.  Who knows what will happen.  If they break up, just keep them as separated as you can.  Don't seat them at the same table, escort each other, or anything else.  Let your photographer know that she should not pose them together/next to each other, etc.  Neither will probably be happy to see each other that day, but I'm sure they can both act appropriately for the day.

barretc3

I guess my point with mentioning that I don't agree with her decisions in their relationship is that I am seeing a side of her that I've never seen before... While I realize that it is not my relationship, her behavior does reflect poorly upon her character. Since finding out about what has been going on between her and her boyfriend, I have also found out that she has been lying to me about a lot of things. She is turning into someone that I don't think I would want to be friends with if I had known these things about her before. It's hard because we have made some really great memories together, but the more that comes to light about the situation - and the more that I realize that she has been lying to me - the harder it is to trust her. 

lacelover, thank you for your comment; I was hoping to hear from someone who had been through a similar situation. The fact is, I don't know if I can trust the two of them to be cordial. They are the type of people who behave like children when they get the slightest bit of alcohol in them, and I don't want to take the chance of them creating drama on my wedding day. Yes, that may be selfish, but that is how I feel. 

If I can salvage the friendship, which at this point I am just going to see how things play out, then maybe I would consider what OliveOilsMom said about keeping them separate. We will see.

Thank you for the feedback!