Moms and Maids

MOB what the heck to do...

My mom has become increasingly angry at my decisions for everything from food to who is going to walk me down the aisle for my wedding in 8 weeks.  I am Jewish by heritage and I do not practice nor have a practiced for 15+ years.  My parents rarely do anything religious as well.  It is Jewish tradition for both parents to walk the daughter down the aisle.  I only want my dad to walk me down the aisle and gave my mom the special task of bringing up our rings and doing something during the ceremony to make sure she felt included.  Today I get a phone call from my dad who relayed his dismay about her doing a job "a child" or "a dog" normally does and that I "should seriously rethink how this is going to work."  I have my doubts if the aisle will even be wide enough for 1 and for 2, it's not something I want to have both walk me down.  At this point I'm ready to just walk alone and send them on their own together.  Suggestions for how to deal with this or present another idea for my mom to do to include her in the ceremony?  We're not into unity candles/sand/hand binding type stuff.

Re: MOB what the heck to do...

  • Well as a multi-time MOB I have to say if you gave me the job of bringing up the rings I'd also be a bit offended to be given a child's job.  Since there is no unity candle, I really don't have any suggestions, but I wouldn't be looking for "jobs" for her.  That has already insulted her.

    Keep in mind that even though they rarely do anything religious, the custom she is used to is both parents walking the bride down the aisle.  You know what you know and that is what she knows to be "the right way."

    Outside of maybe doing a reading, I got nothing for this one.
    NYCMercedesMairePoppyKeptInStitches[Deleted User]
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    To her, it's an insult. I can understand her feeling. Probably she has seen this custom at 90% of the weddings she's attended. Even if she's not religious, she has seen this tradition over and over. If you're truly ready to walk alone, then go for it. If you'd like to walk in with your FI, consider that.
    KeptInStitchesMairePoppy[Deleted User]
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Ditto kmmssg and NYC. It's my family's tradition to have the father escort the bride and the MOB is the last one seated before the processional starts. I've looked forward to watching my husband walk my daughter down the aisle from the time she was very small. Every MOB, in my family has had this honor. I would have been very disappointed if she had eliminated my role. 

    Why are you disregarding your mother's feelings about this? Your mother may feel like you are publicly slighting her. Is there a reason for that?


                       
    [Deleted User]jendemeyer
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    battygrl said:
    My mom has become increasingly angry at my decisions for everything from food to who is going to walk me down the aisle for my wedding in 8 weeks.  I am Jewish by heritage and I do not practice nor have a practiced for 15+ years.  My parents rarely do anything religious as well.  It is Jewish tradition for both parents to walk the daughter down the aisle.  I only want my dad to walk me down the aisle and gave my mom the special task of bringing up our rings and doing something during the ceremony to make sure she felt included.  Today I get a phone call from my dad who relayed his dismay about her doing a job "a child" or "a dog" normally does and that I "should seriously rethink how this is going to work."  I have my doubts if the aisle will even be wide enough for 1 and for 2, it's not something I want to have both walk me down.  At this point I'm ready to just walk alone and send them on their own together.  Suggestions for how to deal with this or present another idea for my mom to do to include her in the ceremony?  We're not into unity candles/sand/hand binding type stuff.
    I can agree with your parents that the task for your mom is usually reserved for children.  Would your mother  be happy being escorted in prior to the start of the ceremony? How is your FI entering the ceremony?  If he is also being escorted in by both of his parents, that would look like a huge slap in the face to your mom.  What do you think of walking in with your FI?
  • I think one of the things that gets my goat the most is her parents didn't walk her down the aisle...only her dad did and I think she's projecting onto me her decision to let that situation happen.  The MIL and FIL are walking in together and my fiance is walking in alone.  It was planned that my brother would walk my mom in as part of the processional and that she'd walk out with my dad.  They are not paying for any of the wedding.  I am 30 years old and have been independent financially from them since age 14.  This is a tough call and I really don't want to have to compromise for what I want.  I have on allowing alcohol at the wedding at my mom's request.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    If you're paying for your own wedding, then you get to call all the shots, as long as you're not being rude. The question is whether or not it's rude to ditch your mother for the walk. She and your dad seem to think so. I have less sympathy for her, knowing that she ditched her own mother, but do you really want to carry on that kind of tradition for your own wedding? How far out is your wedding? Is it possible to delay this decision for a while?
                       
    NYCMercedes[Deleted User]
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think she feels like she is being excluded or demoted and the fact that your father still gets to do it kind of digs it in for her.  I think you should walk down the aisle alone, if you are okay with that.
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  • If your mother ditched that tradition, she has no right to complain to you that you're also ditching it. 

    Also, if you don't want to walk alone -- if you'd prefer to have your father walk with you -- then do that.

    I agree that "bringing up the rings," is a child's job, unless you mean she holds them until the point in the ceremony that the officiant needs them, and then she hands them to him/her -- kind of like the MOH/BM usually do. That I don't think is a child's job. 

    Other than having her do a reading, there isn't much else she can do, and if she doesn't want to do those bits, then tell her, "I'm sorry you feel slighted, Mom. I'll have someone else do the reading and bring up the rings. I'm sorry to have offended you," and just go from there.

    But don't give in on walking in with your dad if that's what you want. It's your wedding, and this is truly your decision.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I have mixed feelings about this.  Yes, you're paying for everything, and in the normal course of things that gives you all the power, but in view of how hurt your mother seems to be, I'm not sure if the "I pay, I decide" card is the best one to play in this situation.

    You haven't made it clear why you don't want your mother walking you down the aisle with your father.  Even non-practicing Jews can take religious traditions seriously at a wedding, and that's what it sounds like is happening with your parents.

    Also, asking her to bring the rings is not something an MOB does traditionally do.  It's something a bridal party attendant would do.  So I can understand why she's pissed that you're asking her to do that rather than walk down the aisle with you...even if she ditched the tradition herself.

    So I guess I need more information on why you prefer to just be walked by your father alone, and why you would ask your mother to do this, before I can give more helpful advice.

    @HisGirlFriday13: Readings are not usually done at Jewish wedding ceremonies, so that's not really an available role.


    astimmel[Deleted User]
  •  Given that she elected to not have her own mother escort her and went against tradition, she's out of line pressuring you to do something different.

     I agree with this below, and if you're comfortable with it, I would tell her that she can choose to either be escorted by your brother while you're escorted by your father, or she can be escorted by your father, and you'll walk down by yourself.  Leave it at that and be done with it.  Good luck!

    Other than having her do a reading, there isn't much else she can do, and if she doesn't want to do those bits, then tell her, "I'm sorry you feel slighted, Mom. I'll have someone else do the reading and bring up the rings. I'm sorry to have offended you," and just go from there.
  • You are being really hurtful to your mother about at two minute walk down the aisle that will take nothing away from you but will hurt your mother for the rest of your relationship with her.  Why are you being so mean?
    If you have other reasons for being adversarial to your mom, you should have handled them in your 30 years of life and not waited until your wedding to take some form of revenge.  You were not there for her wedding and have no idea of the true reasons for her escort down her aisle without her mother, and you never will, regardless of what has been said to you. 
    NYCMercedes[Deleted User]
  • I think the issue here is probably that you didn't include her in the decision. Instead of sharing your thoughts on having dad walk you down the aisle and asking her how you felt, you just gave her another "job" so she'd feel "included". It's definitely not the same thing. In American tradition, the mother of the bride typically walks down first. She starts the entire precession. It's a greater honor than carrying the rings.
    image
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    SBmini said:
    I think the issue here is probably that you didn't include her in the decision. Instead of sharing your thoughts on having dad walk you down the aisle and asking her how you felt, you just gave her another "job" so she'd feel "included". It's definitely not the same thing. In American tradition, the mother of the bride typically walks down first. She starts the entire precession. It's a greater honor than carrying the rings.
    This is not a Jewish tradition.
  • Jen4948 said:
    This is not a Jewish tradition.
    Which is exactly why I didn't say it was. She made it clear what tradition was in her first post, I was offering up another option.
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    [Deleted User]
  • To tell a Jewish mother not to walk her daughter/son down the aisle with the father is the same as not inviting her to the wedding at all, it is just that SERIOUS.  
    d2vaMairePoppy[Deleted User]
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    SBmini said:
    Jen4948 said:
    This is not a Jewish tradition.
    Which is exactly why I didn't say it was. She made it clear what tradition was in her first post, I was offering up another option.
    At Jewish weddings, in all honesty, the bride's parents, if married, do not walk separately from each other.  That means that the bride's mother is not seated before her daughter and husband walk down the aisle.  Since Jewish tradition is important to this mother, if not to the OP, then the mother will not see that as an option either.
  • d2vad2va member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    To tell a Jewish mother not to walk her daughter/son down the aisle with the father is the same as not inviting her to the wedding at all, it is just that SERIOUS.  
    THIS

    My wedding is a year away, and my mother and I have already discussed this. Thats how important it is. 

    Also, are you doing any Jewish things at your wedding? Chuppa? 

    If you are having a chuppa you and your FI cannot walk together as someone mentioned as the chuppa represents the symbolic home of the groom, and he must be there first to welcome his bride in to his home.

    Its traditional to have the MOB and FOB walk their daughter OR both MOB and FMIL.

    Honestly, if this is the one thing your mother is asking of you whether she is paying or not, whether your 16 or 45, why would you not give this to her? Why would you not let her escort you to your new "home"?
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    d2va said:
    To tell a Jewish mother not to walk her daughter/son down the aisle with the father is the same as not inviting her to the wedding at all, it is just that SERIOUS.  
    THIS

    My wedding is a year away, and my mother and I have already discussed this. Thats how important it is. 

    Also, are you doing any Jewish things at your wedding? Chuppa? 

    If you are having a chuppa you and your FI cannot walk together as someone mentioned as the chuppa represents the symbolic home of the groom, and he must be there first to welcome his bride in to his home.

    Its traditional to have the MOB and FOB walk their daughter OR both MOB and FMIL.

    Honestly, if this is the one thing your mother is asking of you whether she is paying or not, whether your 16 or 45, why would you not give this to her? Why would you not let her escort you to your new "home"?
    The bolded is not correct.  Couples can walk down the aisle together, and the groom would then step under the huppah first and the bride would follow.
  • The Jewish tradition consists of both sets of parents walking both the groom and bride down the aisle. My FI is not Jewish but agreed that this is a nice tradition and my FMIL is thrilled to escort her son down the aisle.

    I also am an independent women and don't see the need for my father "to give me away to my husband". I love both dearly but it feels weird to me. Instead I like to have all of our parents escort us down and we have a "Parent's blessing" instead where they promise to all support us in our marriage:

    “As our sons and daughters find partners and find homes for the next generation, each family is enriched and enlarged. Would the parents of the bride and groom please come forward?

    This occasion is a special celebration for you, the parents who have brought these children into the world, and nurtured them into adulthood. Today you are witnessing another stage in the lives of your son and daughter. Your continuing support and encouragement will be needed as Leah and Christopher unite in marriage. Will you who have loved and nurtured these two, try with the greatest love and wisdom you have, to support this new couple and help in every way?”


    I know this didn't really answer your question, but just an example of what a nice tradition it is. Family is very important to me and I want to start our new life as each others family with the support and love of our parents.

    image


    Anniversary
    MairePoppyKeptInStitches
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