BM backs out 3 weeks before wedding...

Brownnm

Since I asked my "friend" 9 months ago to be in my wedding I have had this nagging feeling she would back out.  I tried to remain optimistic but she waited until now to back out.  Story is she was financially strapped....no problem, I totally can understand so I offered up whatever I could (hotel rooms, rides to and from airport, etc).  I even offered to pay rush charges on the BM dresses because she took too long to call in her measurements (it took 2 weeks to call in a quick measurement).  She then asked if I could borrow her money for the dress...I totally understood and paid for half the dress.  Within an hour of lending her the money she posted on Facebook that she was getting her hair and nails done and then flying to LA for a long weekend?! 

I still tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.  Since June (3 months) I have sent an occasional text or email asking her how things were going with finding a seamstress and ordering the $25 shoes for the dress.  No response whatsoever.  In the meantime she kept posting things on FB that she bought ($150 shoes, $300 blender, trip to Denver, the list goes on).   So I finally confronted her 2 weeks ago in the nicest way saying "Hey I am getting ready to send out your dress but just wanted to make sure everything is still alright for you to come in September.  I hadn't heard much back from you regarding wedding stuff so if you can't swing it just let me know...I totally understand but would love to have you there".  She swore she would be there and was so honored.

Finally I asked her last night...Can you please give me some details on dress/flight/shoes, etc so I can plan when to pick you up, etc.  I love you dearly but I am kind of stressing out since its 3 weeks away.  So she calls me and says she can't afford it and she doesn't appreciate how hard I made the entire process for her, that I never communicated with her, she denied her FB posts and then deleted them after our talk, etc.  I caught her in 4 lies and also confronted her on it.  She is sending her dress back to me so that I can hopefully get it altered  in time for someone who has quickly become such a great friend.  I know most would say do not replace her but my new BM and I have been talking about this at much length and she is estatic to be part of our day. 

 

Do I need to pay the bridesmaid who backed out the $60 for the dress?  I already paid $60 for half of the dress, $20 for rush charges, $40 for shipping it to her that she didn't pay, and now $100 to get the dress back in time for the wedding.

 

KeptInStitches

If you want to keep the friendship, I'd pay the $60; if you don't want to keep the friendship, I'd pay the $60 anyway so you can walk away with a clear conscience.

Even though your new BM is ecstatic, think about how your former BM feels before you replace her. It comes down to being a good friend.

NYCMercedes

Don't pay her for the dress if she backed out. Do you honestly think she'll send it?

Maggie0829

Do not replace her!  How do you think her replacement is going to feel, especially since the wedding is in 3 weeks.  "Oh here Darla, here is the dress from the BM who backed out.  So glad you stepped in even though I didn't think enough of you to ask you to be in my wedding the first time around. Thanks for being a spot filler."  Yeah, that is not very nice.

As for the BM who dropped out.  How she spends her money is her choice.  She chose not to spend it on things for your wedding and that is her decision to make.  I think the two conversations you had with her about her still coming to the wedding basically made her feel that you no longer wanted her in it so she dropped out.  I know you were stressed and wondering what the hell was going on but she is an adult.  She knew the date of your wedding so it was her responsibility to figure out how to get there and gather the necessary funds.  You didn't need to keep nagging her about it.  That would really irk me so I am sure it irked her.

But what is done is done.  She backed out so in my eyes you shouldn't have to pay her the remaining cost of the dress.

Brownnm

In all fairness, this isn't the first instance I have had with the former BM.  Last time she flipped out on me for not calling her for two days...when I actually was with my best friend as he passed away-which she knew. 

I am OVER this friendship as it does nothing for me as I continually put in energy, time and care/concern with nothing at all in return.   There is something to be said about friendships in return and cutting out negative people in your life.

 

 I just want to know what everyone's thoughts are on the $60.

itzMS

Brownnm said:

Since I asked my "friend" 9 months ago to be in my wedding I have had this nagging feeling she would back out.  I tried to remain optimistic but she waited until now to back out.  Story is she was financially strapped....no problem, I totally can understand so I offered up whatever I could (hotel rooms, rides to and from airport, etc).  I even offered to pay rush charges on the BM dresses because she took too long to call in her measurements (it took 2 weeks to call in a quick measurement).  She then asked if I could borrow her money for the dress...I totally understood and paid for half the dress.  Within an hour of lending her the money she posted on Facebook that she was getting her hair and nails done and then flying to LA for a long weekend?! 

I still tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.  Since June (3 months) I have sent an occasional text or email asking her how things were going with finding a seamstress and ordering the $25 shoes for the dress.  No response whatsoever.  In the meantime she kept posting things on FB that she bought ($150 shoes, $300 blender, trip to Denver, the list goes on).   So I finally confronted her 2 weeks ago in the nicest way saying "Hey I am getting ready to send out your dress but just wanted to make sure everything is still alright for you to come in September.  I hadn't heard much back from you regarding wedding stuff so if you can't swing it just let me know...I totally understand but would love to have you there".  She swore she would be there and was so honored.

Finally I asked her last night...Can you please give me some details on dress/flight/shoes, etc so I can plan when to pick you up, etc.  I love you dearly but I am kind of stressing out since its 3 weeks away.  So she calls me and says she can't afford it and she doesn't appreciate how hard I made the entire process for her, that I never communicated with her, she denied her FB posts and then deleted them after our talk, etc.  I caught her in 4 lies and also confronted her on it.  She is sending her dress back to me so that I can hopefully get it altered  in time for someone who has quickly become such a great friend.  I know most would say do not replace her but my new BM and I have been talking about this at much length and she is estatic to be part of our day. 

 

Do I need to pay the bridesmaid who backed out the $60 for the dress?  I already paid $60 for half of the dress, $20 for rush charges, $40 for shipping it to her that she didn't pay, and now $100 to get the dress back in time for the wedding.

 

Brownnm said:

In all fairness, this isn't the first instance I have had with the former BM.  Last time she flipped out on me for not calling her for two days...when I actually was with my best friend as he passed away-which she knew. 

I am OVER this friendship as it does nothing for me as I continually put in energy, time and care/concern with nothing at all in return.   There is something to be said about friendships in return and cutting out negative people in your life.

 

 I just want to know what everyone's thoughts are on the $60.

Pay her the $60. It was your mistake in the first place to pick a dress that is above her budget (and require her to purchase shoes).

Sell the dress on Ebay or to a Consignment shop to recoup a few bucks. Otherwise, cut your losses, focus on marrying FI, and call it a day.

Do not replace the bridesmaid with someone else. No way No how.

astimmel

Brownnm said:

In all fairness, this isn't the first instance I have had with the former BM.  Last time she flipped out on me for not calling her for two days...when I actually was with my best friend as he passed away-which she knew. 

I am OVER this friendship as it does nothing for me as I continually put in energy, time and care/concern with nothing at all in return.   There is something to be said about friendships in return and cutting out negative people in your life.

 

 I just want to know what everyone's thoughts are on the $60.

If she backed out, you don't owe her anything.

msuprincess04

If you get the dress, then you should reimburse her for her dress costs. Otherwise, you don't have to. 

AlexisA01

If she backed out  then you don't owe her.

nsweare

I'm going to go against traditional etiquette here. I don't think you are a bad friend for replacing the bridesmaid. I assume everyone involved is an adult and is capable of saying "no" if they are offended by being asked as a replacement. I personally wouldn't have replaced her, but I don't think you are a bad friend for doing it.

As for the friend who backed out, I wouldn't pay her shit. I know we say that it's none of our business how people spend their money, but seriously? Once someone starts spending MY money, then I get to judge. She cried poverty so you gave her money for the dress. A mature adult would have come to you and been upfront about the situation. I mature adult wouldn't have waited until 3 weeks before the wedding. A mature adult wouldn't have expected or allowed you to pay extra rush shipping because she didn't order it in time. Frankly, I don't think you will ever see the dress, so don't send her a dime.

itzMS

nsweare said:

I'm going to go against traditional etiquette here. I don't think you are a bad friend for replacing the bridesmaid. I assume everyone involved is an adult and is capable of saying "no" if they are offended by being asked as a replacement. I personally wouldn't have replaced her, but I don't think you are a bad friend for doing it.

As for the friend who backed out, I wouldn't pay her shit. I know we say that it's none of our business how people spend their money, but seriously? Once someone starts spending MY money, then I get to judge. She cried poverty so you gave her money for the dress. A mature adult would have come to you and been upfront about the situation. I mature adult wouldn't have waited until 3 weeks before the wedding. A mature adult wouldn't have expected or allowed you to pay extra rush shipping because she didn't order it in time. Frankly, I don't think you will ever see the dress, so don't send her a dime.

She's not a bad friend to the girl that dropped out. She's a bad friend to the person she's asking to replace the dropout 3 weeks before the wedding. "Oh hey, Sally, you weren't good enough to be a bridesmaid for this whole year prior, but now that someone dropped out 3 weeks before the wedding and I need even sides and you're her size for the BM dress...I need you to fill in"

Yeah, no. It's not about traditional etiquette. It's about being a considerate person.

Bubblegum5586

Brownnm said:

Since I asked my "friend" 9 months ago to be in my wedding I have had this nagging feeling she would back out.  I tried to remain optimistic but she waited until now to back out.  Story is she was financially strapped....no problem, I totally can understand so I offered up whatever I could (hotel rooms, rides to and from airport, etc).  I even offered to pay rush charges on the BM dresses because she took too long to call in her measurements (it took 2 weeks to call in a quick measurement).  She then asked if I could borrow her money for the dress...I totally understood and paid for half the dress.  Within an hour of lending her the money she posted on Facebook that she was getting her hair and nails done and then flying to LA for a long weekend?! 

I still tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.  Since June (3 months) I have sent an occasional text or email asking her how things were going with finding a seamstress and ordering the $25 shoes for the dress.  No response whatsoever.  In the meantime she kept posting things on FB that she bought ($150 shoes, $300 blender, trip to Denver, the list goes on).   So I finally confronted her 2 weeks ago in the nicest way saying "Hey I am getting ready to send out your dress but just wanted to make sure everything is still alright for you to come in September.  I hadn't heard much back from you regarding wedding stuff so if you can't swing it just let me know...I totally understand but would love to have you there".  She swore she would be there and was so honored.

Finally I asked her last night...Can you please give me some details on dress/flight/shoes, etc so I can plan when to pick you up, etc.  I love you dearly but I am kind of stressing out since its 3 weeks away.  So she calls me and says she can't afford it and she doesn't appreciate how hard I made the entire process for her, that I never communicated with her, she denied her FB posts and then deleted them after our talk, etc.  I caught her in 4 lies and also confronted her on it.  She is sending her dress back to me so that I can hopefully get it altered  in time for someone who has quickly become such a great friend.  I know most would say do not replace her but my new BM and I have been talking about this at much length and she is estatic to be part of our day. 

 

Do I need to pay the bridesmaid who backed out the $60 for the dress?  I already paid $60 for half of the dress, $20 for rush charges, $40 for shipping it to her that she didn't pay, and now $100 to get the dress back in time for the wedding.

 

Sometimes new friendships can happen quickly and this girl wasn't in the picture 9 months ago when she asked everyone else. So I don't think it is a big deal you replaced her.

ashleyep

If she is actually sending you the dress, I'd pay her the $60. But if she doesn't send it to you, which seems to me the more likely scenario, then don't bother. She backed out, you didn't kick her out.

nsweare

@scribe95 I still don't think she's a bad friend for choosing a replacement. The friend she asked as the replacement knew the score and, as an adult, is perfectly capable of saying "no thank you" if her feelings were hurt. It sounds like the replacement BM knew the circumstances and was ok with filling in. Plus, they just recently became close , so asking her from jump street probably wasn't an option. If OP had asked if she should ask someone to replace former BM before doing it, I would say not to do it. But since it's already been done and no feelings were hurt, then I don't think it's a big deal.

For the record though, I am against replacing BMs in general.

nsweare

My bad @scribe95! I'm sorry. Damn avatars screwed me up.

phira

She doesn't owe you the dress, although it does sound like you paid more than she did for it, in rush charges and such. But she can keep it if she chooses and it wouldn't be THE WORST ETIQUETTE.

I agree with previous posters: how your now-former bridesmaid spends her money is completely irrelevant. It's her money, she can spend it however she wants.

I've been replaced as a bridesmaid after backing out. I wasn't offended; I was RELIEVED. I felt like such a jerk backing out and I was glad that my friend was still able to have a substantial bridal party (two of us had to back out because of financial reasons, within the span of one week).

KeptInStitches

And in somewhat the opposite situation from @phira, I was the replacement BM. I wasn't told when I was asked, I was told about 4 months later. I ... well, the whole wedding really ruined my relationship with the bride for a number of reasons and we don't talk anymore at all, but at bare minimum I didn't want to be told I wasn't good enough to make the cut the first time around. I would much rather have just been a guest.

southernbelle0915

Regarding the $60, I would pay it... AFTER you receive the dress and it's in good condition. Your ex-BM sounds pretty spiteful. It's never good to give those types of people ammo to speak badly about you ("and she didn't even pay me the $60 for the dress!"). KWIM? I highly doubt the two of you will remain friends after this. Consider it a parting gift. 

I don't think it's bad to ask someone else to stand up in your wedding. It sounds like you've talked to her openly about this, she knows the situation and she's ok with it. I would, however, be prepared for the fact that she may not have anything to wear..

phira

KeptInStitches said:

And in somewhat the opposite situation from @phira, I was the replacement BM. I wasn't told when I was asked, I was told about 4 months later. I ... well, the whole wedding really ruined my relationship with the bride for a number of reasons and we don't talk anymore at all, but at bare minimum I didn't want to be told I wasn't good enough to make the cut the first time around. I would much rather have just been a guest.

Yeah, I could definitely see this happening. I could see feeling really touched if someone asked me to step up and replace a bridesmaid, but when I really think about it, they're all people who I got close to after they'd selected their bridesmaids. And being misled into thinking you WEREN'T a replacement? Rude. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Dreamergirl8812

OP, you said you contact her every 2 months to ask about the dress, flights, etc., and you comment on her fbook purchases. How often did you talk about, you know, her?

MyNameIsNot

If you didn't ask her for a budget ahead of time, you pushed her out by selecting a dress out of her budget.  It doesn't matter how she spends the rest of her money.  If the dress was outside of the budget she gave you, you were wrong.  The shoes were wrong regardless.  If she paid for those, you need to reimburse her.  Unless this dress was in the budget she gave you, you ought to pay her back for what she paid.  Of course, the dress would then be yours to sell.

Never ask a replacement bridesmaid.  If you wanted this new friend, you would have asked her regardless of whether the old BM dropped out or not.  The new friend may not be expressing it, but she will feel that she was only included as a runner up.  If you have any respect for her at all, you will not treat her like that.  It doesn't matter what she says.  Asking her to be a runner up is a huge slap in the face.  She will eventually resent you for treating her like a prop.  If you care about her at all, don't do that to her.  

Brownnm

bubblegum1309 said:

Brownnm said:

Since I asked my "friend" 9 months ago to be in my wedding I have had this nagging feeling she would back out.  I tried to remain optimistic but she waited until now to back out.  Story is she was financially strapped....no problem, I totally can understand so I offered up whatever I could (hotel rooms, rides to and from airport, etc).  I even offered to pay rush charges on the BM dresses because she took too long to call in her measurements (it took 2 weeks to call in a quick measurement).  She then asked if I could borrow her money for the dress...I totally understood and paid for half the dress.  Within an hour of lending her the money she posted on Facebook that she was getting her hair and nails done and then flying to LA for a long weekend?! 

I still tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.  Since June (3 months) I have sent an occasional text or email asking her how things were going with finding a seamstress and ordering the $25 shoes for the dress.  No response whatsoever.  In the meantime she kept posting things on FB that she bought ($150 shoes, $300 blender, trip to Denver, the list goes on).   So I finally confronted her 2 weeks ago in the nicest way saying "Hey I am getting ready to send out your dress but just wanted to make sure everything is still alright for you to come in September.  I hadn't heard much back from you regarding wedding stuff so if you can't swing it just let me know...I totally understand but would love to have you there".  She swore she would be there and was so honored.

Finally I asked her last night...Can you please give me some details on dress/flight/shoes, etc so I can plan when to pick you up, etc.  I love you dearly but I am kind of stressing out since its 3 weeks away.  So she calls me and says she can't afford it and she doesn't appreciate how hard I made the entire process for her, that I never communicated with her, she denied her FB posts and then deleted them after our talk, etc.  I caught her in 4 lies and also confronted her on it.  She is sending her dress back to me so that I can hopefully get it altered  in time for someone who has quickly become such a great friend.  I know most would say do not replace her but my new BM and I have been talking about this at much length and she is estatic to be part of our day. 

 

Do I need to pay the bridesmaid who backed out the $60 for the dress?  I already paid $60 for half of the dress, $20 for rush charges, $40 for shipping it to her that she didn't pay, and now $100 to get the dress back in time for the wedding.

 

Sometimes new friendships can happen quickly and this girl wasn't in the picture 9 months ago when she asked everyone else. So I don't think it is a big deal you replaced her.

Thank you BubbleGum!  This was exactly the scenario. My new bridesmaid was not in the picture 9 months ago.  She has been such a breath of fresh air that everyone in the WP comments how great she has been. 

The dress price was approved by the former BM 9 months ago so I DID NOT pick a dress out of her price range.  That being said the dress cost $60 so I don't believe that is absurd considering she agreed on $150 (which the BM chose their dresses and went well below). 

KJiras

Yikes! Coming to this convo a bit late, but sounds like at the start of everything the BM told you she was comfortable with a dress budget of $150 and the dress actually decided upon was $120 (estimated that...you said you paid half at $60). Some kind of break down in communication happened and a dress that should have cost $120 ended up costing $160 because she failed to order in time. You helped her out, paid $100 of the $160 dress total (including the additional $40 of which she was responsible for) and in the end she ended up backing out as bridesmaid.

You said originally she was "borrowing" money from you for the dress - so as it stands now is it accurate to say she has paid $60, and owes you another $100 to be square with you on the dress? If that's the case can you tell her that instead of paying you back you'd be happy with the dress and even take on the shipping charges?

If you were straight up gifting her the money towards the dress I wouldn't suggest this...but if you were all clear the money was a loan then maybe it'll be a relief to her. I don't envy you, sounds like a bit of a mess! Best of luck to you!