Moms and Maids

Matron of Honor delimma

I'm recently engaged, I've got venues picked, a date set, and I'm starting into the major planning of my wedding.  I have two very best friends both of whom I know are going to be next to me on the day (4 maids total).  My problem is, I'm having difficulty choosing which one should by my matron of honor.  Friend A I've known since junior high.  We were pretty close growing up and had a major fall-out when I left for college.  After a few years of not speaking, we've come back together and are closer than ever before.  Friend B (married) I met in law school, and although we've only been friends for four years (and sometimes drive each other a little batty) she truly is my soul sister.  We talk about EVERYTHING, we judge nothing.  We are equally supportive, we defend one another entirely, and I'm pretty sure that we will grow old together.  If there was nothing else to this story, Friend B would be my MOH.

But there's more to this story.  About a year and a half ago Friend A got engaged to her fiance of two years.  After about a month, she called and asked if I would be her maid of honor.  Of course I was elated (and a little surprised), but she explained to me that I was her closest friend and that her other maids weren't exactly reliable.  Boy, was that an understatement.  She and I ran into many problems with two of her other maids.  We got complaints about when certain events would occur (even the wedding date itself), dress costs, and general non-participation in the prep/planning of the bridal shower and bachelorette party.  Early on, I went to her before I confronted a maid myself, but as we came nearer to her wedding, my patience grew thin with the maids.  This resulted in them being angry with me, complaining to the bride, and ultimately she chewed me out three days before her wedding.  We quickly hashed things out, I was definitely her go-to (and she acknowledges the "right choice") on the day of, and we are peachy keen now all that nonsense is over.

That was two months ago.  Now that I'm engaged, I'm very torn.  The wound between Friend A and me is still healing, and I think asking her to be my MOH will not only speed the healing process, but I feel like there's almost an expectation that I ask her.  On the other hand, if Friend A had never chosen me as her MOH, there would be no question that Friend B would be the one and only.  My fiance and I agree that asking two of four bridesmaids to be my MOH would be awkward, so it's a "1 or none" situation.  Should I make a choice, or should I play the "you're all important to me" card and delegate duties as they come along?

Re: Matron of Honor delimma

  • It's your call who you want to have as MOH, but it should be your decision, not your FI's, and it's not tit-for-tat. Also, you will be happiest if you cut your expectations for any of your bridal party members to: get the dress, show up on time and sober, and smile in the pictures. That way, anything above that is gravy.

    How long until your wedding? If you have more than 4-6 months, you can wait to determine who you want to be in your wedding party. This would give you some time to work on the friendships as well.
  • Depending on when your wedding is, I would agree with KeptinStitches to hold off on making any declarations.  If you are truly torn, then just call them all BM's or all M'sOH.

    At the risk of having yet another new poster deleting, I have to add......
    There are NO duties to delegate.   However, you can graciously accept voluntary offers if and when they are offered.
    Blue_Bird
  • I'm recently engaged, I've got venues picked, a date set, and I'm starting into the major planning of my wedding.  I have two very best friends both of whom I know are going to be next to me on the day (4 maids total).  My problem is, I'm having difficulty choosing which one should by my matron of honor.  Friend A I've known since junior high.  We were pretty close growing up and had a major fall-out when I left for college.  After a few years of not speaking, we've come back together and are closer than ever before.  Friend B (married) I met in law school, and although we've only been friends for four years (and sometimes drive each other a little batty) she truly is my soul sister.  We talk about EVERYTHING, we judge nothing.  We are equally supportive, we defend one another entirely, and I'm pretty sure that we will grow old together.  If there was nothing else to this story, Friend B would be my MOH.

    But there's more to this story.  About a year and a half ago Friend A got engaged to her fiance of two years.  After about a month, she called and asked if I would be her maid of honor.  Of course I was elated (and a little surprised), but she explained to me that I was her closest friend and that her other maids weren't exactly reliable.  Boy, was that an understatement.  She and I ran into many problems with two of her other maids.  We got complaints about when certain events would occur (even the wedding date itself), dress costs, and general non-participation in the prep/planning of the bridal shower and bachelorette party.  Early on, I went to her before I confronted a maid myself, but as we came nearer to her wedding, my patience grew thin with the maids.  This resulted in them being angry with me, complaining to the bride, and ultimately she chewed me out three days before her wedding.  We quickly hashed things out, I was definitely her go-to (and she acknowledges the "right choice") on the day of, and we are peachy keen now all that nonsense is over.

    That was two months ago.  Now that I'm engaged, I'm very torn.  The wound between Friend A and me is still healing, and I think asking her to be my MOH will not only speed the healing process, but I feel like there's almost an expectation that I ask her.  On the other hand, if Friend A had never chosen me as her MOH, there would be no question that Friend B would be the one and only.  My fiance and I agree that asking two of four bridesmaids to be my MOH would be awkward, so it's a "1 or none" situation.  Should I make a choice, or should I play the "you're all important to me" card and delegate duties as they come along?
    You have an incorrect idea of what bridesmaids/MOHs are expected to do.  The only thing any of them are required to do is get the dress - which should be chosen after asking them individually and privately what their budget is - and show up.  There are no duties to delegate, so please get that out of your head.

    There shouldn't have been complaints about the cost of the dress if the above was followed by the bride, but I have a feeling it wasn't.  They weren't required to participate in a bridal shower or bachelorette party, so I don't know why you're complaining about that. 

    The only thing you should consider is to whom you feel closest.  If you can't decide between the two and don't want to have two, then just don't have a MOH.



    astimmelBlue_BirdVen&Radio
  • 1. Your FI does not get a say in this and it's not a tit-for-tat situation that he has one and you have one.

    2. It clearly seems like the best choice would be to have them both, so I suggest doing that.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • First, let's back up.  When I say "delegating duties" it does not mean to enslave every woman for a period of 6-8 months and force them to spend a thousand dollars per person for my pleasure alone.  I apologize that did not clarify that. When I said "delegating duties" I meant "who will hold my bouquet when I'm exchanging vows?" and "who will give a toast?" -- duties which do require a woman to show up in a dress and sober, but are also valued by most who are invited to a wedding party and don't require money.  If whoever I ask is so jaded to not want to do that with me or for me, then I don't want them standing with me anyway.

    Second, thank you for the advice to wait.  I wish ya'll could get off the "delegating duties" and actually give advice regarding how to wade friendship waters, like, "this happened to me" or "don't do it this way."

    Viczaesar, the bridesmaids were all toted to a local CHAIN dress shop, were instructed to pick out dresses, and it was confirmed that the dress chosen was within the budget of everyone (someone wanted to order a fake from some chinese website).  The bridesmaids all agreed in advance to contribute a particular amount to the bridal shower, and some chose to attend but not reimburse me. And, once again, when I attempted to plan the bachelorette party, I asked them to contribute to a hotel room which some said they could not afford (which is fine, I and another paid for it ourselves) until that particular bridesmaid decided that she needed to crash and didn't want to contribute. So, you can see my frustration.  Nevertheless, I didn't know that was relevant to giving advice on how to navigate friendship waters and making each of my best friends feel special and included.
  • Thank you for the clarification and additional information.  I feel as if I should reciprocate.

    There are countless numbers of new posters who actually do believe that their bridal party has bona fide, be-at-my-beck-and-call duties to perform for the bride.  It tends to make some of the "regular" posters, myself included, a bit "trigger happy" when hearing that phrase.

    Secondly, I stand by my advice and if you can afford to, try to wait as long as possible.

    Friendship "advice" is very subjective.  I do think that choosing your MOH should not be based on "motives".  You have motives for choosing Friend A; it will facilitate the healing process, and the choice is expected.  There is nothing tethered to asking Friend B.  Based on the information I have, I would guess that some fallout/drama might ensue from Friend A if you select Friend B as your MOH.  I would guess Friend B would be gracious, understanding, and unchanging in her friendship.  

    Do you want to ask someone out of guilt, obligation, and prevention of drama, or someone that will make no judgments nor complaints?  And, even if you ask Friend A, you hope it will "speed up the healing process", but there is no guarantee of that happening.  And there is potential for drama from her even if you ask her to be your MOH.  

    Next to your FI, who do you "see" when you see yourself standing in front of the officiant?
  • What @mobkaz wrote? Pretend I wrote it too.
  • You want Friend B to be your MOH, make her it.  You don't "owe" Friend A anything because she made you hers.  Also, your friendship with Friend A has been off and on where as you said you picture Friend B and you growing old together. 
    image
  • There was no way I would have picked between my 3 best friends so end of the day I felt it would be weird to have 3 MOHs and 2 BMs, so I called them all BMs.  My 3 best friends took on the "role" of a MOH so to speak, and there were no hard feelings that they did not get a special title.  I would not pick friend A out of guilt, that is drama waiting to happen.  If you are super torn, pick them both (not your fiance's decision).  If your gut is saying pick friend B, pick her. Friend A will still be involved and really, if she is your friend she will not let a stupid title come in between a friendship.
    image

    Anniversary
    Itjustgotreal
  • First, let's back up.  When I say "delegating duties" it does not mean to enslave every woman for a period of 6-8 months and force them to spend a thousand dollars per person for my pleasure alone.  I apologize that did not clarify that. When I said "delegating duties" I meant "who will hold my bouquet when I'm exchanging vows?" and "who will give a toast?" -- duties which do require a woman to show up in a dress and sober, but are also valued by most who are invited to a wedding party and don't require money.  If whoever I ask is so jaded to not want to do that with me or for me, then I don't want them standing with me anyway.

    Second, thank you for the advice to wait.  I wish ya'll could get off the "delegating duties" and actually give advice regarding how to wade friendship waters, like, "this happened to me" or "don't do it this way."

    Viczaesar, the bridesmaids were all toted to a local CHAIN dress shop, were instructed to pick out dresses, and it was confirmed that the dress chosen was within the budget of everyone (someone wanted to order a fake from some chinese website).  The bridesmaids all agreed in advance to contribute a particular amount to the bridal shower, and some chose to attend but not reimburse me. And, once again, when I attempted to plan the bachelorette party, I asked them to contribute to a hotel room which some said they could not afford (which is fine, I and another paid for it ourselves) until that particular bridesmaid decided that she needed to crash and didn't want to contribute. So, you can see my frustration.  Nevertheless, I didn't know that was relevant to giving advice on how to navigate friendship waters and making each of my best friends feel special and included.
    No, not really.  None of that explains your ire in the OP.



    Blue_Bird
  • You can have more than one MOH.  Or none.

    Leave your FI out of this decision, just as you don't get a say in who he chooses as his attendants.
  • I would definitely go with friend B.  The role is one of honor, not as a payback for someone else who had you in their wedding or to help repair or even strengthen a friendship. 

    I'm not sure if there would be anything appropriate at your wedding for this, but if you go with friend B, perhaps ask friend A to do something extra along with being another bridesmaid.  I'm not thinking of any kind of crap job or hosting a party, but maybe doing a reading at the wedding or if you need more than two witnesses to sign the license, have her do it. 

    I'm not encouraging a pecking order of friend B being the most important, then friend A and then C and D.  But maybe something to remind friend A that she's a loved friend and that the tiff around her wedding isn't a hinderance to your future friendship.

    Itjustgotreal
  • lovetulips04lovetulips04 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited August 2013
    BEST WISHES,!!! I have been MOH twice & both were very different experiences. I totally had the BMaids being difficult & mean experience but I didn't let it effect my friendship with the bride. The other experience was awful, the bride expected A LOT out of me & was never thankful for anything, so sad to say we aren't friends anymore & she got married not even a year ago. So I totally understand those feelings!! I'm newly engaged too & I had a hard time picking between my long time BFF & my friend whom I became super close to the past year bc my BFF moved to a different state....Anyway I couldn't choose so I ran the idea of both of them being my MOHs by my BFF & she said do what you want for your day & I'll support it. I ran iit by her to let her know her feelings matter & if it bothered her then the super close friend would just be a BMiad. I'm happy with my choice & now I will have a MOH near me when I need someone to talk the crazy out of me. LOL So my advice would be just think how you want your day to be & do what will make you the happiest!! At the end of the day you have to live with whatever you choose & if the ladies in question are TRUE Friends then they will support you in whatever u choose!! Happy Planning!!
    Itjustgotreal
  • Friend B is married, so she would be Matron of Honor and stand directly next to you.

    Friend A is not married - only engaged, so she would be Maid of Honor and stand on the other side of Friend B.

     

  • Please don't listen to Kristin. You can have whichever one you're closer to stand next to you. Their marital status has nothing to do with it.
    NYCMercedeserinr26MadHops21
  • I blame this "duties to delegate" mentality to Pintrest. There are so many articles pinned about the duties your maids supposedly have. Pick your nearest and dearest, find a dress they can afford and have then stand by you on your special day. If they do more....great! But its not a requirment.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker BabyFetus Ticker
  • Personal experience with this, choose the reliable one! Much better after its all over. And I agree one is better than two. I got stuck being co-maid/matron with a friend who is really too controlling and self centered.
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