+1 Etiquette - Reasons for why people question giving a +1...

LakeR2014

First and foremost, I believe in providing everyone with a +1.   It's hard going to a wedding single sometimes and having a friend, companion, or SO there always makes it better.  That being said, my friend experienced this situation a couple months ago at a wedding she went to for a college friend of hers....

"My friend's wedding was awesome except for the guest that Suzy brought.  Diana and James wanted a small wedding and invited only our college group to the ceremony as we've always been close and are the most important people to them (they're not close to their families).  Anyway, Suzy was the only single one of the 12 friends invited, so Diana offered her to bring a +1 after Suzy requested it.   Well day of the wedding Suzy showed up with some 44 year old guy who refused to take off his sunglasses (her friends are in their mid-twenties).  She had apparently met him a few weeks before and they were 'casually dating.'  He proceeds to make it generally awkward around all of us throughout the night, even hitting on me in front of my boyfriend.   It was well past 10pm when I finally was like, dude, it's long past dark, take off the creepy shades and he said 'No, I'm cool.' Who says that?!  Anyway, Diana was pissed.  She let Suzy bring a +1 as she said she didn't want to be the only single one there, fine, but then she invited the most creepiest guy ever.   Every time we went to take a photograph, HE JUMPED IN THE PICTURE!  Even when we stated, hey just taking a picture of the college group only, he was like 'well I'm with Suzy, so I'm in the college group too.'  The awkwardness surrounding the photos is insane.  All of my photos have him in them, except when I was just with Diana before.  Here's the kicker:  Suzy just let us know she's not seeing him anymore as 'they were going in two different directions.' 

It's scenarios like this...where I can understand my FI's hesitancy on provided +1's to guests where we won't know who they are, or might not know them to well.

PS Yes, I changed the names.

Simply Fated

Here's the thing... Even if you knew who this guy was, he'd have to be invited. So whether or not you know him isn't the problem. The problem is, you didn't like him. Well, I don't like my friend's husband, does that mean I don't have to invite him?

At least you can look at those photos and laugh at the "crazy sunglasses guy" that Suzy dated those few weeks she went temporarily insane.

PrettyGirlLost

That would be a good reason not to give truly single guests a +1. And Suzy was rude for asking the bride if shhe could bring a date.

grumbledore

... and?  Thing is, you can't control who someone chooses for their +1.  Honestly this sounds like it will be a funny story from the wedding for years to come so I don't really see it as a cautionary tale.  He was a weird douche.  "Remember when Suzy dated that weird douchey guy who wouldn't take off his sunglasses at that wedding?"  Cue "hahahaha" from the peanut gallery.

I am a big believer in +1s.  Anyone could act like a dink at a wedding, not just strangers.

WinstonsGirl

I don't have a problem with truly single people not receiving a +1 if you don't have space, though I think it's nice to extend the invitation if you can.  I also think you should give them to those who need to travel, in case someone wants to travel with another person.  they shouldn't have to spend the night in a hotel room or fending for themselves the day/night of the wedding when they've traveled to get there.  

My issue is with people saying BF/GF's aren't serious if they're not engaged/married/living together.  As I've mentioned before, my Uncle and his GF have been together over 20 years.  They don't live together and will never get married.  They're happy and it works for them.  She is a part of our family, though many here wouldn't invite them together since they're "not serious" 

Another example is a couple who might be getting engaged soon.  Perhaps he's bought a ring and is waiting for the right moment to propose.  Yet because he hasn't done it yet, they're "not serious".  Most people don't know if a couple is thinking of getting engaged and what happens if you don't invite their SO and they then get engaged.  Are they now "serious enough" to receive a late invite??  What if the Bride hasn't planned on having room for the new Fiancée??  My coach bought an E-ring a year before he proposed for this now FI.  She knew he had bought the ring.  He was just waiting for the right time in their life to propose.  No one else knew they had discussed this or that he had the ring.  Yet their relationship wasn't "serious enough" for many people here to be invited together to a wedding.  

DH didn't propose to me when he had planned to.  He did it at a moment that felt right to him.  Most of our friends didn't know that we were discussing marriage/living together within the first month cos we just knew it was going to happen.  To tell us our relationship wasn't "serious" at that point would have been very offensive to me.  

Having been on the receiving end of bad etiquette (though not this specific point), I've kept my mouth shut in front of the Bride and bitched at home to DH.  I'm not big on confrontation, I would think it rude to bring up someone else's poor etiquette in front of them at their wedding.  But it is noticed and talked about, even if the Bride doesn't hear about it.     

phira

Eh, that does suck, but it's not a good reason to not give single guests +1s. It sounds more like Suzy has her own issues.

+1s can often be polite, awesome guests, and you never know how your wedding might be improved by some of the people your friends and family might invite to share your special day. And significant others (not +1s), or even your own invited guests might behave entirely inappropriately, making people uncomfortable, being outright rude, or even causing disturbances that require security to get involved.

It's too bad that the sunglasses dude was such a huge jerk at that wedding, though.

queenofhearts1728

WinstonsGirl said:

My issue is with people saying BF/GF's aren't serious if they're not engaged/married/living together.  As I've mentioned before, my Uncle and his GF have been together over 20 years.  They don't live together and will never get married.  They're happy and it works for them.  She is a part of our family, though many here wouldn't invite them together since they're "not serious"      

I actually get this a lot.  None of my cousins who got married recently offered me a plus one, even though i've been dating and living with my BF for 5 years (which is longer than they dated or have been married to their now husbands, combined). 

Even my close friends sometimes make my relationship seem less because I don't have a ring on my finger.  

The BF and I recently went through some financial struggles, and I had the idea to take out a personal loan together to cover things up front and be able to pay it back over time rather than freaking out about how we'd survive paying everything in full.  Only my mom and the BFs best friend thought it was a good idea. Somehow everyone else I was close to thought it would blow up in my face and as soon as we had joint credit, he would leave me. ummm... what??? 

WinstonsGirl

queenofhearts1728 said:

WinstonsGirl said:

My issue is with people saying BF/GF's aren't serious if they're not engaged/married/living together.  As I've mentioned before, my Uncle and his GF have been together over 20 years.  They don't live together and will never get married.  They're happy and it works for them.  She is a part of our family, though many here wouldn't invite them together since they're "not serious"      

I actually get this a lot.  None of my cousins who got married recently offered me a plus one, even though i've been dating and living with my BF for 5 years (which is longer than they dated or have been married to their now husbands, combined). 

Even my close friends sometimes make my relationship seem less because I don't have a ring on my finger.  

The BF and I recently went through some financial struggles, and I had the idea to take out a personal loan together to cover things up front and be able to pay it back over time rather than freaking out about how we'd survive paying everything in full.  Only my mom and the BFs best friend thought it was a good idea. Somehow everyone else I was close to thought it would blow up in my face and as soon as we had joint credit, he would leave me. ummm... what??? 

Sounds like some people have had bad experiences with previous relationships and money.  Doesn't mean all relationships are the same though.  It sucks that your cousins are seeming to support your relationship.  I've always felt that wedding are about the love between two people.  If I'm asking people to support my relationship, I want to support theirs, whatever stage they're at.  Everyone was casually dating their SO at some point and no one know what conversations couple had privately had about the state of their relationship.  

MobKaz

Out of 12 friends, not one thought to say something to Suzy?  If a photo with college only friends was really that important to me, I would have no problem asking Suzy to have sunglass guy TAKE the picture so he wouldn't be IN it.  Or, if he was so creepy I didn't trust him with my camera, I would suggest Suzy take sunglass guy to the bar for a minute.

NYCBruin

I don't think everyone needs a plus one but this is sorta a silly reason not to. I mean there's no guarantee that cousin Julie didn't marry someone like sunglasses man.

SP29

I don't think every guest requires a +1, but agree that if you give a +1 you can't control who they bring. 

Too bad Suzy brought a douche, but hopefully you can all laugh about it in the future! 

HisGirlFriday13

Whether or not you knew him wouldn't negate his being a douche. One of FI's co-worker's is engaged to a douche. We still had to invite him, because they're engaged. (Or not invite her, obvs). 

She could just have easily been seriously dating a douche-bag whom none of you liked. 

This isn't a +one issue, this is a your-friend-has-bad-taste-in-men issue.

ceceibson

I don't find anything in the OP that has anything to do with whether or not +1s are problematic.

We gave every adult invited to our wedding a +1.  I met many awesome new friends for the first time at our wedding.

The people who caused the problems at and before our wedding behavior-wise were family.