Mom is driving me crazy

sbartos71

Hi all,new here, and my wedding is stressing me out so badly, but the most stress is coming from my mom.  There have been a number of things all along, but two things have really got on my last nerve recently.  

The first is, my dad passed away just a few months after my Fi and I got engaged.  We have a memorial candle that I plan to have at the ceremony.  I had planned to light it, by myself, before the ceremony to have some "private time" with dad.  Now my mom wants the photographer to take a picture of this.  I have been very insistent that I want it to be a private moment, and I feel like my mom wanting pictures of it is being disrespectful to me.  

Second, the hall has a 200-plate minimum.  We will be close, if we don't actually reach 200.  Mom has been really rude about how she has to pay for more people than will be there.  To the point of saying, "I'm gonna ask people in off the street" to fill any empty places.  There is a friend of my brother's mom wants to invite, who's husband has said some very rude and off-color things both tome and my Fi.  We both feel very uncomfortable having the husband there, but I don't see any way of just inviting the wife.  My mom's reasoning was that it would be 2 more people to fill places.  

Yes, my mother is paying, so yes,she should have some say, but where do I draw the line? Am I being oversensitive about these things? Or is my mom out of line?

bethsmiles

I'm sorry your mom is stressing you out.

For the first situation, even if your mom is paying she doesn't get to dictate that your private moment become a photography session. Just let your photographer know ahead of time that you do not want pictures of that moment even though your mom does. If you mom continues to bring it up tell her you've made your decision and then change the subject - hopefully she'll get the hint!

As for the second situation - you are correct in thinking you cannot invite the wife without the husband. They are a social unit and if you invite one you need to invite the other. Without knowing what he said my advice is to just invite them because you're mom is paying so she gets a say. On your wedding day you won't even notice they are there besides the 30 seconds it will take to thank them for coming.

I don't think you are being over-sensitive but I think you have to pick your battles.

Simply Fated

I agree with Beth.

Especially about the whole memory candle thing. Maybe compromise and take a picture with the candle later on?
Honestly, I'd do the candle before I even left home, to ensure no one would be around to interrupt. But, uh, blow it out before leaving because that's not safe lol. Or maybe do it after the ceremony, when she'll hopefully be distracted by guests.
I'm not sure what your plan is, but I can imagine people knocking on the doors and plain ole barging in. Being physically away from people might help a surprise photography session.
Ideally your mom will obey your wishes. But in case she doesn't, have a back-up plan. I can only imagine how important this private moment is for you and I want it to work out.

artbyallie

For most venues, the 'minimum' isn't so much for plates as it is for dollars spent. If you have fewer RSVPs than your minimum, ask your venue if that money can go towards any upgrades (more apps, nicer booze, whatever).

MairePoppy

I'm sorry for your loss. You're absolutely entitled to that private moment with your dad. Don't back down on that. Your mom is being insensitive. Could you distract your mom by having the photographer get a few posed shots of her and her close family members? 

As for the reception venue: If you fall short of the 200 minimum, they may allow you to upgrade something or add in a service. Most venues are more concerned with the $$ spent, rather than the number of seats filled. Generally, the person who is paying has final say on the guest list. So if your mom is insisting on the obnoxious friend, use a seating chart to keep him far away from you and your husband. You'll be so busy on that day that you probably won't even notice him there.

OliveOilsMom

sbartos71 said:

Hi all,new here, and my wedding is stressing me out so badly, but the most stress is coming from my mom.  There have been a number of things all along, but two things have really got on my last nerve recently.  

The first is, my dad passed away just a few months after my Fi and I got engaged.  We have a memorial candle that I plan to have at the ceremony.  I had planned to light it, by myself, before the ceremony to have some "private time" with dad.  Now my mom wants the photographer to take a picture of this.  I have been very insistent that I want it to be a private moment, and I feel like my mom wanting pictures of it is being disrespectful to me.  

Second, the hall has a 200-plate minimum.  We will be close, if we don't actually reach 200.  Mom has been really rude about how she has to pay for more people than will be there.  To the point of saying, "I'm gonna ask people in off the street" to fill any empty places.  There is a friend of my brother's mom wants to invite, who's husband has said some very rude and off-color things both tome and my Fi.  We both feel very uncomfortable having the husband there, but I don't see any way of just inviting the wife.  My mom's reasoning was that it would be 2 more people to fill places.  

Yes, my mother is paying, so yes,she should have some say, but where do I draw the line? Am I being oversensitive about these things? Or is my mom out of line?

I think you mom is out of line insisting on the photos of your lighting the memorial candle.  Tell your photographer that no matter what your mom says, that moment is to not be photographed. 

May I also make some more suggestions about this?  My FIL had passed 8 years before our wedding and it was still a tough day for my H and his family.  I think if we had a memorial candle, even 8 years after his passing, that MIL would have cried most of the ceremony.  A few days before our wedding, H & I went to the cemetary to visit with FIL there.  It was our private moment together with FIL.  A wedding is a very emotional event in multiple ways, you may become unexpectedly overcome lighting the candle for your dad and it may be too much for you.  We did have touches that were to honor FIL.  We mentioned him in our Prayers of the Faithful and also had a bouquet of flowers that represented our grandparents and FIL, but there was no sign as to what those flowers represented.  Also, any outward or public memorials for your dad could be unexpected for his relatives attending and could end up making your wedding a sad occasion, when its supposed to be a happy one.

Ditto PP, if you invite the wife you have to include the husband.  Just seat them very far away.  Also, look into seeing if you can make the upgrades if you miss out on your minimum.

I'm sorry to hear of the passing of your dad.

Jen4948

I'm very sorry for the loss of your dad.

I agree with PPs: Talk to your photographer privately and let them know that under no circumstances, regardless of what your mom says to them, that the private moment with the candle lighting is not to be photographed.  You also might try to arrange for that moment to happen when your mother is busy with other things and not available to look over shoulders to micromanage it.

If you invite the wife, you do have to invite the husband, so I'd think hard about whether or not you want him to be there before issuing her an invitation because it would have to be issued to both.   When it comes to your mother's comments, just tell her, "Mom, I'm sorry, but this subject is closed."

cmperry17

first of all, sorry for the loss of your Dad, my prayers are with you.  Remember he will be there in your heart.

MOM IS OUT OF LINE!  GOOD LUCK!!

remember the photographer answers to you and your fiance.  i f she is paying for him, maybe you can pay for for photographer.

WHEN your mom is out of control, let her know that when she calms down, then you can talk.  

sbartos71

Thanks everyone for the advice.    I really appreciate it, and will put it to use when when dealing with mom.