Moms and Maids

MOG Woes

Interested in what people think about this situation.  My son is getting married after a very short engagement.  My husband and I were not consulted about the date of the wedding, the ceremony venue, the reception venue, the shower, the invitations, nor anything else pertaining to this wedding.  We then get a call from MOB asking us how we would like to help with the wedding and explaining how expensive everything is.  The subtext was clear - we want you to help pay for this wedding.  My feeling is that if my financial assistance was to be required I should have been involved in all financial decisions from the beginning and not just presented a bill (so to speak).  There are a lot of hard feelings about his wedding, including being told that we couldn't do the rehearsal dinner we had planned for the couple (after a non-refundable deposit had been placed on a venue)  because they didn't want it to take away from the wedding, scheduled the next day.  Am I the crazy one here?
NYCMercedesMairePoppy

Re: MOG Woes

  • No, your son's FMIL is the crazy one. You do not get to plan a wedding and then present other people with the bill. If your input had been asked for, you would have been free to say, "Oh, we would be happy to pay for flowers/liquor/DJ/whatever."

    But you weren't asked. And the rule is, "He who pays, gets a say." So if they're asking you to pay, that means you get a say -- including changing what they have planned. They should think about that before asking you to pay.

    The fact that you were told to cancel the RD, which is traditionally the purview of the groom's family, tells me, "We don't want you to pay for this, we want you to just write us a cheque and we'll spend your money for you."

    No, no, no, no, no. Not how this works. 

    You are free to say to either your son or his FMIL, "I'm so sorry the wedding has exceeded your budgetary expectations. Had we been consulted, we could have offered advice and/or financial assistance, but I'm afraid that won't be possible now."
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    MissMollymaryemoojendemeyer
  • edited August 2013
    From a recent MOB: Nope, you're not the crazy one. You aren't obligated to pay for anything; no one should have asked you for money. The MOB isn't obligated to pay, either, but if she chose to do so, she should have planned within her means. 

    The couple should have cleared the date with the VIPs, which should include the groom's parents. So that's on your son and his fi. 

    It was nice of you to offer to host the RD. The couple turned you down, which is within their rights. Did you clear things with them before you made the deposit? If you just assumed, then it's not fair to blame them for that.

    I would suggest that since you weren't included in anything, you and your husband decide on a reasonable monetary gift and give that to the couple now as your contribution, no strings attached. 

    And if the MOB approaches you again, remind her that you had no hand in the planning and therefore you won't be helping with the bills that she has accumulated. Be prepared that she will not take kindly to this. 

    Good luck, MOG. 


                       
    NYCMercedesKeptInStitchesmaryemoo
  • I agree with you. Have you spoken to your son about any of this? I'm pretty bold and my kid would know how hurt I was not to be included in date, etc. conversations, RD conversations, and so on from the get go. It seems he has now put you in an awkward position, tho I'm not sure I'd go so far as to tell him that. What did he say about eating the RD deposit?
    MairePoppy
  • Well, I do think that if you want any say in any of the plans, you need to help pay for it.  Getting pissed that all these decisions were made without your input, when you're not paying, isn't fair to anyone.

    That said, if the MOB is asking you to pay, you can tell her that you need to get a say in what she's demanding you pay for, and refuse to contribute without that input.

    Talk to your son and FSIL about this too.  Let them know that you don't appreciate being asked to contribute financially to an event where you have no input.  But, don't use that input, or lack of it, as a weapon against them, because it will alienate them.  Maybe you can hold a rehearsal dinner on another date-there's no etiquette rule that it has to be the night before the wedding.
  • While I really do want to sympathize with you, I have a few questions.  First, what did you do after the engagement?  Did you reach out to the M/FOB?  Did you ask about what planning was done?  Did you say, in the beginning, "I would like to add some financial support to this event, please tell me when you are making plans"? I am really tired of Grooms families who sit back and do nothing with the attitude that A) they won't be asked to help if they stay quiet and B) can hide behind the wall of not being asked their opinions.  You knew a wedding was being planned, what did you do to be proactive? 
    Finally, if you wanted a certain type of rehearsal dinner then you should have stuck by your decision.  Don't cave and then blame others.
    lizybeff[Deleted User]
  • While I really do want to sympathize with you, I have a few questions.  First, what did you do after the engagement?  Did you reach out to the M/FOB?  Did you ask about what planning was done?  Did you say, in the beginning, "I would like to add some financial support to this event, please tell me when you are making plans"? I am really tired of Grooms families who sit back and do nothing with the attitude that A) they won't be asked to help if they stay quiet and B) can hide behind the wall of not being asked their opinions.  You knew a wedding was being planned, what did you do to be proactive? 
    Finally, if you wanted a certain type of rehearsal dinner then you should have stuck by your decision.  Don't cave and then blame others.
    That is just ridiculous.  First - where did you see that they wanted to help pay for the wedding?  You didn't, MOB has called and said they need to pay for something they were completely left out of.  It isn't the parents responsibility to pay so why did they need to be proactive?  If I am not paying for something there is no reason to be proactive.  They weren't consulted anything and have now been presented a bill and you think it's all her fault?  There are hard feelings about this wedding, they have been left out any planning or discussions at all and you enough about the situation to admonish her like that?  I don't think so.
    KeptInStitchesMairePoppyknottiec82e43085335f3bb
  • I would typically agree with the majority of the PP's.  At face value, everything said sounds like the nail has been hit on the head.  But something reads just a little bit "off".  Perhaps I am reading between the lines too much, or not enough information has been provided.  

    Interested in what people think about this situation.  My son is getting married after a very short engagement.  OP, are you upset that this engagement is short?  Was this engagement a surprise to you?   My husband and I were not consulted about the date of the wedding, the ceremony venue, the reception venue, the shower, the invitations, nor anything else pertaining to this wedding. Your son became engaged and literally had NO communication with his parents regarding ANYTHING?  Did he even call to announce his engagement?  Were no questions asked then?  We then get a call from MOB asking us how we would like to help with the wedding and explaining how expensive everything is.  The subtext was clear - we want you to help pay for this wedding. Had you not had a conversation with your son about the wedding and expenses prior to receiving this call from the MOB?  How much are your son and FDIL contributing to the wedding?  My feeling is that if my financial assistance was to be required I should have been involved in all financial decisions from the beginning and not just presented a bill (so to speak). Absolutely you should be involved in ANY wedding decision that you back up financially.  I would not agree that you should necessarily be involved in ALL decisions, however.   There are a lot of hard feelings about his wedding, including being told that we couldn't do the rehearsal dinner we had planned for the couple  Was this rehearsal dinner planned WITH your son and FDIL?   (after a non-refundable deposit had been placed on a venue)  because they didn't want it to take away from the wedding, scheduled the next day.  Am I the crazy one here?

    I am having a hard time believing that the only communication has been the limited "here's your bill" conversation with the MOB.  Your biggest complaint is the lack of consultation, and yet it sounds as if you may have done the same thing with the rehearsal dinner.  You said you couldn't do the rehearsal dinner because THEY didn't want it to take away from the wedding.  Who is THEY?  Is it the F/MOB?  In their eyes, was the rehearsal going to "trump" the wedding?  My biggest issue is with your son.  Where has he been since the engagement with you in terms of communication.

    As I said, normally I would rally with the other PP's in a heartbeat.  I think HisGirlFriday's response is succinct and composed.  But, something seems odd.....
    Teddy917southernbelle0915jendemeyer
  • Several questions have been asked about this situation. To flesh it out a little more...The engagement did catch us off guard as we had been told the exact opposite was about to happen. We were not consulted about the date and if we had been we would have expressed concern that we had another family wedding in another state scheduled for the next day (the son of a dear, deceased cousin whose wedding we were planning,on attending) and that I had already committed to an event which others were depending on me to participate in for the event to go forward scheduled for the same day that was chosen for the wedding...Yes, we did reach out to the M/FOB and invited them out to dinner. They didn't respond for weeks and when they did refused to go at a time we suggested, to a place we suggested and said they would only go to a certain place (which was not conducive to any kind of communication). We tried to communicate with the bride-to-be about the rehearsal dinner, but she never responded (she said she did, but that the e-mail never went through). The rehearsal dinner situation is particularly upsetting as our mothers are traveling 400 miles (they are both in their 90s) and the bride wants to have the dinner at a time they cannot attend, serve a menu they cannot eat and have it at a venue that while, convenient to the rehearsal will not provide the festive experience that I have always associated with a rehearsal dinner. The MOB says that they never include out of town guests, but her entire family lives within the same small town as opposed to our family which is spread out over 3 states and must travel hundreds of miles to attend this wedding. This is our first child to marry and we had hoped it would be a happier experience. It really does seem to me that the aspect of two families being joined is being trumped by the bride's expectations of what she wants for HER day. Our son just goes along with whatever.
    xhellokitty
  • Teddy917Teddy917 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2013
    Are your mothers involved in the rehearsal? If not they don't need to come to the dinner. It would be nice if they could, but only the people involved in the rehearsal HAVE to be invited to the rehearsal dinner.

    Also having a block of text is hard to read. Paragraphs are your friend.
    KeptInStitchessouthernbelle0915jendemeyer
  • edited August 2013
    pmr317 - I don't know why weddings bring out the crazy in some families. I've known a few MOGs who were made to feel like outsiders when their son's weddings were being planned by overzealous brides and MOBs. I've even heard of a few brides that were resentful that their MILs didn't hand over a contribution after they were snubbed. 

    The situation with the RD is unfortunate. The RD should immediately follow the rehearsal and be convenient for those who participate in the rehearsal. With that in mind, the host of the party gets to decide on the location, style, menu and guest list. The couple turned down your offer, so you're off the hook. 

    It's time for you to remind your son that the wedding is just as important to the groom's family as it is to the bride's. It's a shame you had to back out of your plans to attend your cousin's wedding. 


                       
    NYCMercedesMissMolly
  • This is basically a no-win situation.  At this point, i would tell this lady "I'm sorry that this has become so expensive for you, but I was not consulted on any of these expenses.  I offered to host and pay for the rehearsal dinner, and that offer was refused.  Because I love my son and his wedding is important to me, I am willing to send you a check for the amount of money that I budgeted for the rehearsal dinner, minus the deposit that we lost when we had to cancel what we had booked at your request." 

     

    You're not obligated to give them even one cent, but it sounds like your son is getting completely steamrolled here - and if you ever want to see him once he gets married and eventually has children, it's probably best to play nice with the family of his bride to be.  I would NOT have this lady send you a bill.  Write her a check for whatever you had set aside for the rehearsal dinner, tell her that is all you can afford to contribute, and be done with it. 

    MairePoppyHisGirlFriday13maryemoo
  • pmr317 said:
    Interested in what people think about this situation.  My son is getting married after a very short engagement.  My husband and I were not consulted about the date of the wedding, the ceremony venue, the reception venue, the shower, the invitations, nor anything else pertaining to this wedding. It would have been nice if they asked you about the date, but if you aren't paying, you don't get a say in anything. We then get a call from MOB asking us how we would like to help with the wedding and explaining how expensive everything is.  The subtext was clear - we want you to help pay for this wedding. That was VERY rude of her. My feeling is that if my financial assistance was to be required I should have been involved in all financial decisions from the beginning and not just presented a bill (so to speak). Absolutely agree with you - I would say exactly that to MOB, your son and your FDIL. There are a lot of hard feelings about his wedding, including being told that we couldn't do the rehearsal dinner we had planned for the couple (after a non-refundable deposit had been placed on a venue)  because they didn't want it to take away from the wedding, scheduled the next day. Why did you plan a RD without clearing it with them? Here's how it's supposed to go - you: "son and FDIL, we'd like to offer to host a RD for you. Here's what we're offering..." They can accept your offer or decline. Until they accept, you're not hosting anything. Am I the crazy one here?
    pmr317 said:
    Several questions have been asked about this situation. To flesh it out a little more...The engagement did catch us off guard as we had been told the exact opposite was about to happen. We were not consulted about the date and if we had been we would have expressed concern that we had another family wedding in another state scheduled for the next day (the son of a dear, deceased cousin whose wedding we were planning,on attending) and that I had already committed to an event which others were depending on me to participate in for the event to go forward scheduled for the same day that was chosen for the wedding... That's shitty. Although not required, they really should have run this by you. Yes, we did reach out to the M/FOB and invited them out to dinner. They didn't respond for weeks and when they did refused to go at a time we suggested, to a place we suggested and said they would only go to a certain place (which was not conducive to any kind of communication). Sounds like a different location and time worked better for them. So what? You could have "refused" their offer (sounds like you did) and suggested yet something else. No hard feelings. We tried to communicate with the bride-to-be about the rehearsal dinner, but she never responded (she said she did, but that the e-mail never went through). What about your son? Why didn't you communicate with him? If you never got a response from either, you're not hosting anything.  The rehearsal dinner situation is particularly upsetting as our mothers are traveling 400 miles (they are both in their 90s) and the bride wants to have the dinner at a time they cannot attend, serve a menu they cannot eat and have it at a venue that while, convenient to the rehearsal will not provide the festive experience that I have always associated with a rehearsal dinner. Offer to host a dinner (doesn't have to be a RD) with OOT guests from your side. Invite the bride's parents and WP if you want. Again, if they don't accept, then you're not hosting anything.  The MOB says that they never include out of town guests, but her entire family lives within the same small town as opposed to our family which is spread out over 3 states and must travel hundreds of miles to attend this wedding. The only people that need to be invited to the RD is anyone who attended the rehearsal. Other than that, invites are optional. This is our first child to marry and we had hoped it would be a happier experience. I'm really sorry this has been a negative experience for you. It's very disappointing at a special time in your son's life.  It really does seem to me that the aspect of two families being joined is being trumped by the bride's expectations of what she wants for HER day.  Our son just goes along with whatever. I don't think it's fair to blame the bride and her family. Your son isn't absolved of responsibility - HE didn't check the dates, HE hasn't communicated about the wedding, HE didn't tell his FI and family what you offered, HE hasn't taken a stand on accommodating your side...
    The only rude thing from her side is the MOB calling and pretty  much asking for money. That's super rude. Other than that, it sounds like the lack of communication between you and your son is the biggest issue here. Why don't you call him?
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    saric83lizybeffjendemeyer
  • You shouldn't have to pay for anything. It seems like the bride and groom have made all of the decisions, so they should pay for their wedding. As for the MOB contacting you and requesting money, that's wrong. If the MOB wants to contribute, that's fine. You don't have too.

    When my husband (FI at the time) and I were planning our wedding, I updated my mom on all of our plans and had long conversations about it. My husband, even though he is close to his mom, isn't the type of person who calls someone and talks for an hour or so.

    Whenever we visited his mom, she would pull me aside and ask me a lot of questions about our wedding plans. I was more than happy to share them with her. (We made sure to run the date and time by her and her husband. They were VIPs at our wedding. Your son should have done the same.)

    It's not the brides or her mom's fault that you don't know the details. Your son should have communicated those details with you. Or, you could reach out to the bride just like my MIL did and ask questions.

  • edited September 2013
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