Overwhelming Bridesmaid

Carcavallo1984

I chose one of my friends to be a bridesmaid; she is fun, vibrant, silly-in-a-good-way, energetic, and lovable. All that being said, she can also be a little overwhelming and controlling. She completely took charge of planning my bridal shower, which is awesome, it was beautiful. She has been through some tough things over the last couple months though and all of that personal stress plus being in a wedding has really affected her behavior. She has been demanding, rude, and very negative lately. I have heard from other bridesmaids that she spoke negatively about me after the bridal shower and was griping because she didn't feel like the other bridesmaids were helping enough. I've gone out of my way to show her how much I appreciate everything she did and I even helped make some of the decorations for the shower. Even though this is hurtful I'm trying to keep in mind that she is struggling right now and even though I didn't put the responsibility of planning the shower on her shoulders, I'm trying to be patient with her. My wedding is heavily DIY just because I like to make things and I wanted to put a personal touch on the wedding but I haven't asked any of the bridesmaids to do anything because I don't like to burden people. So I don't feel responsible for her stress but I feel worried that she is going to steam roll me...lol. She has already announced that she is taking the day off before my wedding and I'm not sure why that's necessary unless she just wants her own time to get a manicure or something, that's the only explanation I can come up with. I'm worried that she is going to want to spend that whole day with me and the entire wedding day. The wedding doesn't start until 5:30 and everyone is kind of doing their own thing as far as hair and make up goes so there's really no reason for any of the wedding party to gather together until pre-wedding pictures. I am more of a reserved and quiet-seeking person by nature and I would like to spend the day before the wedding and the morning of the wedding with my mom and sister, just relaxing and taking some "me-time." Because she has been so erratic lately, I'm wondering how to set this boundary with her and avoid being overwhelmed by her without hurting her feelings or making her angry. Any advice would really be appreciated, I don't want to spring it on her at the last minute.

KeptInStitches

"Friend, I'm afraid I'll just be too busy to see you until we're ready to take pictures/for the rehearsal. I'm sure you understand that getting ready for a wedding can be very busy. I'm so excited to have you share in my wedding day!"

You don't have to tell her that you're busy relaxing, just that you're unavailable.

HisGirlFriday13

Honestly, I wouldn't bring it up until or unless she does. If she says, 'Oh, I'm taking the day before the wedding off and we can hang out!,' just tell her, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, that doesn't really work for me, I've got a long list of stuff to do!' and then just bean dip her if she offers/asks to help.

NYCMercedes

Why do you think her taking the day off equates to her wanting to spend it and the next with you?

Carcavallo1984

Because she mentioned getting manicure/pedicures, hair did, and make up together...I just think that would be way too exhausting for me.

NYCMercedes

Oh. If she asks, you could say that you hadn't made your plans yet, well, at least for the mani-pedi.

MayDay513

Carcavallo1984 said:

I chose one of my friends to be a bridesmaid; she is fun, vibrant, silly-in-a-good-way, energetic, and lovable. All that being said, she can also be a little overwhelming and controlling. She completely took charge of planning my bridal shower, which is awesome, it was beautiful. She has been through some tough things over the last couple months though and all of that personal stress plus being in a wedding has really affected her behavior. She has been demanding, rude, and very negative lately. I have heard from other bridesmaids that she spoke negatively about me after the bridal shower and was griping because she didn't feel like the other bridesmaids were helping enough. I've gone out of my way to show her how much I appreciate everything she did and I even helped make some of the decorations for the shower. Even though this is hurtful I'm trying to keep in mind that she is struggling right now and even though I didn't put the responsibility of planning the shower on her shoulders, I'm trying to be patient with her. My wedding is heavily DIY just because I like to make things and I wanted to put a personal touch on the wedding but I haven't asked any of the bridesmaids to do anything because I don't like to burden people. So I don't feel responsible for her stress but I feel worried that she is going to steam roll me...lol. She has already announced that she is taking the day off before my wedding and I'm not sure why that's necessary unless she just wants her own time to get a manicure or something, that's the only explanation I can come up with. I'm worried that she is going to want to spend that whole day with me and the entire wedding day. The wedding doesn't start until 5:30 and everyone is kind of doing their own thing as far as hair and make up goes so there's really no reason for any of the wedding party to gather together until pre-wedding pictures. I am more of a reserved and quiet-seeking person by nature and I would like to spend the day before the wedding and the morning of the wedding with my mom and sister, just relaxing and taking some "me-time." Because she has been so erratic lately, I'm wondering how to set this boundary with her and avoid being overwhelmed by her without hurting her feelings or making her angry. Any advice would really be appreciated, I don't want to spring it on her at the last minute.

You could always do what we did, and plan a date the day before your wedding. It guaranteed that everything had to be done before the day before the wedding. Also you can make all your appointments, and just let her know there won't be anything for her to do or that you won't need her help.

Jen4948

Carcavallo1984 said:

Because she mentioned getting manicure/pedicures, hair did, and make up together...I just think that would be way too exhausting for me.

Tell her, "Friend, I'm sorry, but the day before the wedding I'm not going to be available for these things.  While the other bridesmaids and I appreciate all the effort you want to make for this wedding, we'd also all appreciate it if you'd relax.  We're feeling overscheduled and overwhelmed with demands, and we need there to be some calm.  If there's anything any of us need, we'll let you know."

NYCMercedes

Jen4948 said:

Carcavallo1984 said:

Because she mentioned getting manicure/pedicures, hair did, and make up together...I just think that would be way too exhausting for me.

Tell her, "Friend, I'm sorry, but the day before the wedding I'm not going to be available for these things.  While the other bridesmaids and I appreciate all the effort you want to make for this wedding, we'd also all appreciate it if you'd relax.  We're feeling overscheduled and overwhelmed with demands, and we need there to be some calm.  If there's anything any of us need, we'll let you know."

I disagree. Your speech is telling the annoying BM that the bride and other BM's have been talking about her behind her back. Is is also dismissing her, as a boss would shoo away an employee.

Jen4948

NYCMercedes said:

Jen4948 said:

Carcavallo1984 said:

Because she mentioned getting manicure/pedicures, hair did, and make up together...I just think that would be way too exhausting for me.

Tell her, "Friend, I'm sorry, but the day before the wedding I'm not going to be available for these things.  While the other bridesmaids and I appreciate all the effort you want to make for this wedding, we'd also all appreciate it if you'd relax.  We're feeling overscheduled and overwhelmed with demands, and we need there to be some calm.  If there's anything any of us need, we'll let you know."

I disagree. Your speech is telling the annoying BM that the bride and other BM's have been talking about her behind her back. Is is also dismissing her, as a boss would shoo away an employee.

And I disagree.  I think this annoying BM needs to be told to chill out because she's getting on everyone's nerves.  She deserves dismissal if she's going to treat people like that.  Just because someone is a bridesmaid does not give them the right to expect everyone else to act like their doormat.

NYCMercedes

Try reading it again, Jen. You failed to get my points. First is that the B shouldn't tell the BM that you and others have been talking about her behind her back. Second point is that the B should not have a superior, dismissive attitude when talking to the BM.

Jen4948

NYCMercedes said:

Try reading it again, Jen. You failed to get my points. First is that the B shouldn't tell the BM that you and others have been talking about her behind her back. Second point is that the B should not have a superior, dismissive attitude when talking to the BM.

No, I didn't fail to get your points.  I disagree with them.  Try reading my post again.

heidirs731

I'm wondering if this post has two parts to it? One, this BM seems overworked. She's taken on a lot, and not that you are responsible for that. But you have noted behavioral changes and the fact that she has done a lot on her own. Sounds like she just needs a break. Can you do something nice for her? Like, "hey, thanks for all your help. I know you didn't have to do all of that, but you did, and it was wonderful, and I really do appreciate it. Let's do [something]." Can you take her to dinner or get your nails done together or just say hey, "take a week off and relax." Something to let her recharge and feel good about the effort she's put in. That could take a lot of the stress off her that she's been under.

Two, you are worried she wants to spend the whole day together before the wedding, and I agree with other poster's that you can dodge that. I think you could even say, "oh, sorry, I'd love to hang out, but I already made other plans."

But I do think this girl needs a break and some time to recharge herself. It sounds like she's had a lot on her plate. I'm not sure the focus should be on avoiding her increasing erratic behavior but on helping to relieve some of the stress she's put on herself. It could be that she believe she's expected to do all of these things, and that's why she's been working so hard. Not that you have put that expectation forward, but some people believe it's a BM's duty to do all this work, and your friend might have that belief. Regardless, I don't think it'd be going too far out of the way to give her time to relax or do something to make her feel special. I think helping relieve some of that stress will go a long way to circumventing any possible future issues where the pressure might become too much for her and creates other problems.

southernbelle0915

If you know she took the day off and is trying to plan this mani/pedi thing, talk to her. Just let her know exactly what you said here - "I've planned to have some quiet time on my own the day before the wedding. I really appreciate you putting so much work into this. It's really sweet and if you and the other BMs want to go ahead and do this, go ahead w/o me. I just really need to take some time to myself before the wedding. We can all get ready together the day of." 

It's a lot of work to coordinate a group going to the salon. I would talk to her before she puts in much more effort.

NYCMercedes

::She steps away from the crazy::

Carcavallo1984

heidirs731 said:

I'm wondering if this post has two parts to it? One, this BM seems overworked. She's taken on a lot, and not that you are responsible for that. But you have noted behavioral changes and the fact that she has done a lot on her own. Sounds like she just needs a break. Can you do something nice for her? Like, "hey, thanks for all your help. I know you didn't have to do all of that, but you did, and it was wonderful, and I really do appreciate it. Let's do [something]." Can you take her to dinner or get your nails done together or just say hey, "take a week off and relax." Something to let her recharge and feel good about the effort she's put in. That could take a lot of the stress off her that she's been under.

Two, you are worried she wants to spend the whole day together before the wedding, and I agree with other poster's that you can dodge that. I think you could even say, "oh, sorry, I'd love to hang out, but I already made other plans."

But I do think this girl needs a break and some time to recharge herself. It sounds like she's had a lot on her plate. I'm not sure the focus should be on avoiding her increasing erratic behavior but on helping to relieve some of the stress she's put on herself. It could be that she believe she's expected to do all of these things, and that's why she's been working so hard. Not that you have put that expectation forward, but some people believe it's a BM's duty to do all this work, and your friend might have that belief. Regardless, I don't think it'd be going too far out of the way to give her time to relax or do something to make her feel special. I think helping relieve some of that stress will go a long way to circumventing any possible future issues where the pressure might become too much for her and creates other problems.

Reading this was so helpful...I hadn't even seen it from that perspective. I think I will take your suggestion and do something to make her feel special and help her relax. Thanks so much for taking the time to write that

MissMolly

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Honestly, I wouldn't bring it up until or unless she does. If she says, 'Oh, I'm taking the day before the wedding off and we can hang out!,' just tell her, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, that doesn't really work for me, I've got a long list of stuff to do!' and then just bean dip her if she offers/asks to help.

This, except, I wouldn't tell her that I have a long list of things to do. I would be honest, and say that you're spending the day with your Mom and sister. Then, I would politely change the subject.

saric83

If she brings it up again, don't avoid the conversation.  Just tell her about the plans you have for the day-of with your family. But to even avoid waiting for that to happen, if it's not too far out from the wedding, send the wedding party an email with a schedule of what time and when they need to be places.  So she'll realize right away that you guys aren't getting ready together day-of (if I were her, I would assume that you would be.)  

I've actually often taken off the day before weddings I've been in since there's usually a rehearsal and dinner that Thursday or Friday, so I like having the time off to chill and get stuff together for the wedding, so I'm not running from work straight to the rehearsal.