mother having an affair

LaurenS47516

I have had my suspicions for a little bit but it has recently been confirmed that my mom is having an affair. She's not exactly hiding it very well, if she's trying at all. My step father knows but she doesn't know that he knows. He is keeping quiet until after my wedding (in just over 1 month.) She has bragged openly to family about how happy she is with her new bf. Who by the way has a wife in a nursing home that they visit...

She tried to add him to the guest list at first and i refused due to my suspicions. My step father is walking me down the aisle so it's not like he is some scumbag that's not taking care of everyone. I think she is absolutely stupid for this but she is very supportive and is helping a lot with my wedding.

So, what do i do if he shows up at my shower? One of my maids expressed concern about this. She asked if she should ask him to leave on the basis of "no boys allowed" but doesn't want to cause a scene. My mom is quite volatile when it doesn't go her way.

Even worse, what if she brings him to the wedding? She's a big enough a hole to do that. How do i handle this with poise and not freak out and show everyone a little crazy....

Losing my mind here

Simply Fated

Omigosh this is a lot for any daughter to have to deal with.


Okay, first off... the shower. Is there a chance he would come to the shower? I mean, would he want to? Most guys avoid them like the plague.

Second...
She must know that he knows. I mean, she wanted to add him to the guest list for your wedding. Who is she fooling?
Honestly, there is no reason for your stepdad to wait until after your wedding to tell her. I mean, everyone knows. It sounds more like he's just waiting until after your wedding to file for divorce. And I get that.

Your parents are putting you in an awkward situation. This is a serious thing that's going on in their marriage and your wedding has become this weird epicenter. Your dad can prolong the inevitable and your mom can show off her secret boyfriend, like she's still in middle school.

I have no real advice for you as far as what to do if she brings him because I have no idea what the etiquette for, "my mom is having an affair and my stepdad knows but won't tell her" is. My heart goes out to you and I hope everything works out.

kmmssg

Having been the "cheated on wife", a bride, and a MOB here is my advice and you can take it for what you will.

This only applies if you are 110% certain she is having the affair.  Just tell her, "Mom, I know you are having an affair with Mr. Whatshisnuts.  The only thing I am going to say about it for now is that you are to keep this affair and him as far away from my wedding and pre-wedding events as possible.

The overwhelming majority of the time people say to MYOB when it comes to affairs.  If you are CERTAIN and have proof that an affair is going on I say that is BS.  ALL of my (then) friends knew my ex was sleeping around A LOT and said nothing.  They also knew I had no idea and that we were living as husband and wife.  Anyone who has proof an affair is going on and let's their friend continue to sleep with the offender (risking the other kind of STDs) is not a friend.  They are not my friends anymore.

Let me hammer that home one more time - you have to be CERTAIN and then you need to say something.

Abbyjensen

I would hope for the best and pray it doesn't happen. If she brings him to the wedding, I would just ignore him the best you can. Don't anticipate drama or create drama where there is none.

I know that this is upsetting to you and is tearing apart your family, but this is an issue between your mother and your stepfather. If anyone initiates a confrontation, it should be him. He knows, so it isn't like you are keeping a secret.

Let it be. Ignore your mother's drama and don't let it take away from your wedding day.

Grabows14

@kmmssg has some great points. If i were in your position and I know I might try to work up the courage to say that he is not welcome. The tricky part is DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL. The last thing you want to do is get into a fight right before your wedding and your mom saying she won't come. It's a very fine line. I think your step dad is doing you a favor by allowing this to continue. You may want to consider talking to him about it if you feel comfortable doing so. I don't know him though so please take this advice as cautiously as you can. The alternative is to let it go until after the wedding. If you cause the balance of what is going on to shift at all, you my cause all hell to break loose.

LaurenS47516

Thank you for all of your advise.

I'm concerned about the shower (which may seem weird, I know) because he is quite a strange guy and my mom has absolutely no regard for others. The shower is at her house and she will use that. If anyone says anything she will get pissed, cause a rediculous scene, call everyone names and let me know how ungrateful i am. It's just the way she is. Having an issue around her is like dealing with a scared dog, you catch her off guard and you get bit.

It's hard to have faith that she won't try anything because of the low level of maturity. I've had to sit her down at family holidays (with the inlaws) and tell her that she is acting like a child and noone thinks it's funny. Her response was to say i wasn't fun and what happened to me? She doesn't speak to family for years at a time over silly disagreements which are usually because of her acting like an idiot.

She has said before that she will bring him to the wedding anyway after I said no. I'm not sure if she was kidding or not, but i told her that it would be a shame for her to miss the ceremony while she was driving him home....

I told my step dad about her trying to add him to the guest list before. He said he was sorry but if the bf was there, he wouldn't be. And I'm sure that goes for a few other family as well, including her sisters. She is just selfish enough to do something like that. He has come home early and found the bf in his house and she plays like nothing is happening. They express obvious PDA at a place filled with his wifes friends and some of my family.

If there is something she can ruin she will find a way.

Hopefully I'm concerned for nothing. Idk. I will see how the shower goes, it should be a good indicator to her intentions. It's so stressful! Wish me luck with MOMMY DEAREST CRAZYPANTS

OliveOilsMom

Did your mom pay for the wedding in anyway?  If she did not, I would be incline to either hire security or make sure your reception venue KNOWS this guy is not invited.  Give your mom a heads up that he will be asked to leave, if he shows up.  Tell her in a calm manner, as matter of fact as you can.  You can also mention that if she tries to throw a fit, she will be also asked to leave as well.  And the reason that she missed her daughter's wedding is because of her own actions.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

MobKaz

" I think she is absolutely stupid for this but she is very supportive and is helping a lot with my wedding."

This ^^ statement sounds very incongruous to the facts you have shared.  The last thing your mother's behavior resembles is "supportive".  She sounds like an immature, self-absorbed, attention seeking,  thoughtless, heartless woman.  I am not quite sure why you would show her any consideration or respect.

It sounds like everyone, including your stepdad, knows the score.  I think the key players here are you, your FI, and your stepdad.  Discuss among the 3 of you how you want to handle it.  It is probably too late or difficult to cancel the shower.  I would try as hard as possible to completely ignore the BF and consider him invisible.  Keep any and all exchanges at the absolute minimum.

If your mom shows complete disregard and brings him to the wedding, I don't see how you think you can force her to "drive him home."  I'm not quite sure why your stepdad, her sisters and other family allow this one person to bulldoze the rest of them.  Perhaps it is time to confront the one person who is making life miserable for many.  

banana468

If she's not paying for the wedding at all then I think that sitting down with key players makes sense.   Talk to your step-father and express your concerns privately first.  As @kmmssg said, there's no benefit to keeping an affair a secret other than cowardice.    I had a college BF cheat on me for a year and I was flabbergasted that only ONE friend told him that if he didn't come clean, she would tell me.

Good luck.   It sounds like your mom may have some serious personality disorder but that doesn't excuse her behavior.  

audreyecu61

In my opinion, and I say opinion, she is a narcissist. She is probably relishing on the fact that she has your attention on this moment, a moment that should be happy life experience for you. She has created attention on herself and obviously feels she has the right to do so. Try to be as calm as you can. Prepare for the worse scenario but again hope for the best. If she is paying then you have limited options. But really who is she embarrassing? Herself, but she won't know that or admit it. Someone like this only thinks of themselves, not anyone else. Be happy you have a good step dad to be there for you, and other family too. They all can see what she is doing. I was married to one for a while, last time I saw him, he hadn't changed, they usually don't.

I wish you all the best.

delujm0

What's more important to you?  Having your stepdad be there to walk you down the aisle, or having your mother be there to witness it, possibly with her BF?  If you feel strongly that you want your stepdad to be there to walk you down the aisle, and you know that the rest of your family feels the same way, hire security and have them escort your mother's BF away if h shows up.  And if she causes a scene about it, have them escort her away as well.  It kind of sounds like even if she doens't bring him, she may cause a scene.  If she's upsetting you, your stepdad, or other members of your family, have her removed. 

 

If you can't imagine having security remo your mother from your wedding, then you should probably come up with a way to deal with her being there with the BF, because it doesn't sound like she's going to reapect your wishes on this one.