why do people assume everyone is invited?

dbanana

Alright, this is more vent than wanting advice. 

So, FI and I are having a small-ish wedding (~100 people). My family is very large and very close knit. FI's family is smaller and spread across the country; most of his closest relatives are his parent's cousins that he hasn't seen since he was a kid. We tried to keep our sides close in numbers when inviting, so we only went out to my first degree relatives, and to his second degree relatives that he's seen or talked to in the past 10 years. 

Invites went out a few weeks ago (which, MOH had her's lost in the mail - is this freakin' common? because this freaks me out for a whole different set of reasons). Now, FI's mother's cousin and his wife (invited) have been blowing up FI's FB page with wedding talk. FI and I have been pretty diligent to keep anything wedding planning related off FB, but we have given this couple a pass because they are older and might not exactly get the newer social norms (example: they RSVP'd with a wall post. wtf.). Today was my tipping point. They posted on a picture of mine, "Cant wait to meet dbanana and see you again. Did you guys have Jan and Jim's address to send an invitation?" 

My FI's first thought, "who the eff are Jan and Jim?!" After calling FMIL, we find out that Jan and Jim are FI's deceased grandfather's (who he did not have a relationship with) sister. Regardless, FI has never met them! 

Turns out, this is not uncommon in his family! This is the second time we have heard of invited relatives taking the initiative to pass on wedding details to non-invited relatives that are further out on the family tree. It's one thing for someone to ask us, we are prepared to say that the ceremony is small/space issues/cost constraints make it so we could not invite everyone ever. But we don't even know the people getting invited! I'm at a loss.

TL;DNR: invitees are inviting additional guests to our wedding. 

NYCMercedes

You have control of your FB page, so delete their posts. You can send them a FB message or email or call them and ask them not to post anything re your wedding on FB. Explain that the wedding guest list is limited and you don't want those not invited to feel badly. Better yet, ask your FI to handle his relatives. Good luck.

SP29

Yikes! That is rude and would drive me nuts too.

I agree to delete their messages off FB and send a private message that you would prefer wedding details to not be discussed publicly on FB; if they want to talk to you about something they can call or send you a private message.

As for them asking about you getting more addresses you can say, "Our guest list has been finalized and all invitations have been sent" and leave it at that.

dbanana

agreed to you both. I will take down the posts. FI doesn't know the families that are doing this too well, so it has been passed off to FMIL to ask them to refrain from posting about wedding stuff and to stop inviting other people! 

I'm just concerned about these additional families showing up! We have no idea who extra has been told wedding details (it appears that both ceremony and reception time/place have been shared with non-invited relatives) by several families. The invited family, I'm sure, means well - FI's family is not well connected, they may feel that FI just didn't have addresses or contact information for more distant relatives. But if we wanted them, we would have tracked them down! 

Like, would people actually do that?! That would be a little awkward, showing up to a wedding you weren't invited to and not being on a seating chart because we had no idea to expect you or tell you not to come. 

southernbelle0915

Go to your privacy settings and set them so that you have to review any tags and posts BEFORE they go to your wall. If you get something you aren't comfortable with, you have the option to "hide" it - no one will ever see it. 

Cokezerofreak

I feel your pain on the 'assuming' guest list, not just family but also co-workers.  I'm going to my future brother in law's wedding next month and I am scared to death that all the relatives there will be asking when our wedding is and expect an invitation.  Not just that, my FMIL might also tell me "this is so and so, you're inviting them."  They are having a bigger wedding, ours is under 75 because we can't afford any more.  I would love the invite the world but do they know how much weddings costs?!

MelissaGager

I have been dealing with people inviting themselves as well. The latest one was my FI uncle's mother-in-law. I have maybe spoken to her a total of 7 minutes since I met her 4 years ago. I saw her a couple of months ago and she said, "I'll see you at the wedding!" WTF?

mrs schwantes

Seems pretty common. My FI and I live in the small town we grew up in. There are a lot of other "townies" (for lack of a better word) that just assume they are invited too. Its always when they see us, "i better be invited!" WTH? I know you, yes, but we do no hang out, we see each other in our small town because its just that, small. We plan on not ruffling feathers and inviting people that specifically ask, JUST because we have a minimum number of seats we have to pay for and we didnt meet that with the family and close friends. since we have the space and are already paying, ok... but in lots of other cases, I totally agree that its crazy for people to assume they are invited or start inviting others to your wedding. Yikes.

ashley82488

I am dealing with a simialr problem.

My uncle is remarried and my cousins live with their mother (the first wife). In June, at my cousins wedding my ex aunt was causing so many problems. She was all over my father (Uncles Brother) and trying to flirt with my uncle with his wife standing there!

I have my engagement party the next month. I addressed the invitation to my cousin and his girlfriend then sent it off in the mail. He declines because he has work. I get a Facebook message (No text, no call) asking if his mother (my ex aunt) could come in his place. I was like you're kidding me. I told him that the place was booked to its capacity because we had invited others once he declined his invitation.

I am nervous for the wedding. If this happened at the engagement party, I can only imagine what will happen at my wedding...

 

But I feel for you. If I were you I would speak up or make up some excuse. Especially if you or your parents are paying for it.

Ajuliana

Ew ^^ b list alert.