advice for a jewish/catholic wedding ceremony

Samantha614

hi all - hoping to get some advice. my fi is jewish and i am catholic (though neither of us is religious). we want to be able to incorporate both sides of traditions into our wedding ceremony. we have a dear mutual friend (who introduced us), who is able to officiate weddings. we both love the idea of her being the one to run the ceremony, but my fi's family is having an issue with it. my family (who is very religious) is fine with it and loves the idea of someone we know and love being the one to marry us, as opposed to a priest and a rabbi that we don't know. if we had grown up with a special priest or rabbi that was close to our family, that would be one thing, but we haven't; so i think it makes way more sense to have our friend do it. i'm afraid this is a battle i might not win. even tho fi is on board, his mother not being is going to be an issue, i can tell. does anyone have examples of an interfaith wedding ceremony they've been to where something like this happened? a non-denominational friend officiating, but still incorporating both faiths? anything would be appreciated - thanks!

Jen4948

Jews do tend to be less open to non-religious ceremonies, especially to non-Jews, so this could be the reason why his family is having an issue with your dear mutual friend officiating-especially if the ceremony has no Jewish elements. 

I have attended wedding ceremonies between Jews and non-Jews (my family is Jewish and several of my cousins married non-Jews), but their parents were all on board with it.  Each of those weddings did have some Jewish elements to it, so maybe the best way to appease his mother is to allow for some Jewish elements in your wedding.  There might be a huppah or breaking the glass, for example.  I'm not sure what else would be considered acceptable, and your FMIL might not be okay even with that.

Samantha614

@jen4948, thanks - yes, the plan is definitely to incorporate those traditions, along with catholic ones. i'm hoping we can come to a compromise or mutual agreement.

daria24

In Judaism, religion is passed down through the female line, so perhaps your FMIL is mostly upset about the fact that your potential children would not be Jewish? That has been the main issue amongst people who are in similar circumstances.

As someone who was raised Catholic, and is now an atheist (H is the same) all I can tell you to do is to have the ceremony that best reflects your beliefs (And your FI's) and only incorporate things that have meaning to one of you. Our families were not thrilled with our secular wedding, but in time, they understood that we were being true to our beliefs and not just doing things for show, which is something they could respect. 

I would sit down with your FI and your ILs and ask them what traditions are important to them, and then discuss between the two of you if you want to incorporate them. It can be small things, like both parents escort the groom and bride in the processional at a Jewish wedding. A simple gold ring is used in the ring exchange (although many Jewish couples have more decorative rings they actually wear, sometimes there is a family gold band that is used for the ceremony). Then are traditions that are much more religious, like breaking the glass, getting married under a chuppah, etc. 

Hopefully in time, as your FMIL understands that your Fi himself does not believe/practice the faith in which he was raised, she will come around and be more supportive. 

itzMS

Samantha614 said:

hi all - hoping to get some advice. my fi is jewish and i am catholic (though neither of us is religious). we want to be able to incorporate both sides of traditions into our wedding ceremony. we have a dear mutual friend (who introduced us), who is able to officiate weddings. we both love the idea of her being the one to run the ceremony, but my fi's family is having an issue with it. my family (who is very religious) is fine with it and loves the idea of someone we know and love being the one to marry us, as opposed to a priest and a rabbi that we don't know. if we had grown up with a special priest or rabbi that was close to our family, that would be one thing, but we haven't; so i think it makes way more sense to have our friend do it. i'm afraid this is a battle i might not win. even tho fi is on board, his mother not being is going to be an issue, i can tell. does anyone have examples of an interfaith wedding ceremony they've been to where something like this happened? a non-denominational friend officiating, but still incorporating both faiths? anything would be appreciated - thanks!

If you're not religious, don't incorporate religious traditions. Simple as that. Have some readings and songs that you and your FI like. Say prewritten vows, or write your own.

If you plan to neither baptize your children Catholic, nor raise them Jewish, nor attend either religion's masses or services now or in the future...then your wedding is non-denominational and secular because that represents you and FI. And there's nothing wrong with that.

You can't have a "sort of" Catholic wedding or a "sort of" Jewish wedding. Both faiths are strict in tradition for a reason...which is probably why FMIL isn't onboard.

 

OliveOilsMom

Ditto itzMS.  Have the wedding that actually reflects you and FI, not FMIL and your families.  As long as your FI is on board with the ceremony you want to have, that is all that matters.  FMIL can complain until her voice runs out.

Also, you said you were not religious, I just want to make you aware (because most people don't know).  But as a Catholic, if you marry outside of the Church, the Church will not recognize it as a valid marriage and you will be barred from Communion.  But if you no longer believe, this obviously will not matter to you.

HisGirlFriday13

Ditto @itzMS (btw, I "loved" your post).

If you aren't religious, you and your FI need to have the courage of your (lack of religious) convictions and not incorporate religion. A lot of Jewish people I know identify as "ethnically" or "culturally" Jewish, without being religiously Jewish, and are therefore more open to Jewish "traditions" that aren't religious per se.

Catholics, on the other hand... Your two choices are 1. Have a Catholic wedding or 2. Have a non-Catholic wedding. The Rite of Marriage in the Catholic Church can't be performed outside a Catholic Church and be canonically valid. And if you want your marriage to be recognised by the Catholic Church, it has to be canonically valid.

Since you're not going to be a practicing Catholic, you don't need or want it to be canonically valid, you don't need the Rite of Marriage, which is fine. But you can't just co-opt pieces of it that you like. The Rite of Marriage, inside of Mass, must be performed by a priest. Also, the "Catholic" aspect that I assume you're thinking about are also Christian aspects -- talking about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and I'm guessing your Jewish FI is probably not super-on-board with the idea of Christ, since Jews don't believe in Christ as the son of God.