Some people on here are pretty mean :(

NYCMercedes

Hey, @FiancB. Please cite references of any post where posters noted that (a) Paper plates are tacky; (b) Posters were trashed simply for having expensive weddings; (c) Non-dinner receptions were not good enough; (d) Accepting offered help from friends was trashed.

MuppetOverlord

FiancB said:

Aw, you can google up some GIFs. So skilled. Have a cookie, you. 

If the only motivation is that it's tacky then I'm not sure why people get so deeply offended and are so vested in the interest in scaring away the tacky, since these are weddings of total strangers that you won't be attending.

COOKIES!!

What makes you think that we are offended about a wedding that hasn't happened yet that we aren't going to?

Folks post on here looking for guidance. I will guide them to properly host their guests and not offend them or harm their relationships.

RedJacks25

MuppetOverlord

NYCMercedes said:

Hey, @FiancB. Please cite references of any post where posters noted that (a) Paper plates are tacky; (b) Posters were trashed simply for having expensive weddings; (c) Non-dinner receptions were not good enough; (d) Accepting offered help from friends was trashed.

Ditto this as well. 

southernbelle0915

FiancB said:

I've been a forum poster for a long time and typically enjoy the posters that are more blunt. I don't like people being nice for the sake of being nice and like honest opinions, when intelligent and tactful. Most of the forums I post on are horse related, which are their own special brand of crazy.

I swear though, one could write a goddamn psychological or sociological thesis about this board. Very true.

Don't get me wrong. It's a great forum with a lot of people from a lot of different walks of life. But the obsession with tacky is getting kind of old. It's like a constant pissing contest to see who can find the "tacky" ideas first and do the bitchiest rundown of how it's tacky. I so totally agree w/ you!!! The obsession with tacky IS getting old - Why are people obsessed with having cash bars, dollar dances, and honeymoon jars anyway? Why are people so obsessed with doing these and other tacky things? Oh right, they make money from them. Nevermind, I get it now. (*sarcasm*) If you dislike the word tacky, how about rude? Inconsiderate? Money-grubbing? 

First of all, I think it's people trying to reassure themselves that THEY are having the best wedding EVAR. By pointing out others' tacky ideas, they feel a little bit more reassured that they are not tacky. The more you demonize others for daring suggesting having a cash bar, the better you feel about your wedding. This conspiracy theory has no supporting evidence. None.

But then again, you don't want to feel like a bridezilla that is overspending, so you also have to attack people that are having a very expensive, luxe wedding. God forbid they're lucky enough to have someone that's happy to pay for it! Basically, if someone is spending more than someone else, they're a spoiled brat. There is no evidence of this anywhere. None. If they show any sign of trying to save money and spend less, they're tacky. Um, no. There's a budget board - have you seen it? People only hate on money saving ideas that are rude. Not renting chairs to save money = rude to your guests; not having centerpieces to save money = not rude to your guests. Nobody side-eyes money saving ideas that aren't rude. Nobody. Motivation comes from either jealousy or wanting to feel like you're having the better wedding. Again, there is no evidence to support your conspiracy theory.

For all the hate that PPDs get, it seems that the only reason to get married is to have a Pretty Princess Day. It isn't about, you know, everyone having a good time and you getting legally/spiritually bound to someone you love. There are legal and financial reasons to get the paperwork done *eyeroll* early but God forbid it doesn't take place on the same day as you going through this weird ritual of getting in a white dress and trying to impress everyone with your etiquette skills. No one cares if you are married and throw a party to celebrate it. Personally, I love parties! The issue is the fake ceremony and pretending it's a wedding - the couple is already married. It's not a wedding. Guests are watching a fake reenactment of a marriage that already took place. It's fake. It's a slap in the face to anyone who got married at a courthouse and consider that a "real wedding" when brides say "I never got a REAL wedding". Really? Then how are you married? It's also a slap in the face to same-sex couples who cannot get married and would give anything to just "get the paperwork done". Oh, and did I mention it's fake?

I have a friend that got married just recently in a gorgeous park. She (gasp!) had paper plates, which isn't looked upon to favorably around here. I have never seen anyone side-eye paper plates. Never. You know what? The food on top of the paper plates was really good and it was a fabulous wedding. In the same venue I would do the same damn thing. Nobody gives a rat's butt. Me either, sounds like a lovely wedding.

Weddings are out of control from what they used to be. Couldn't agree with you more - for some people (read: those who have PPDs, those who pass costs onto their guests, etc.), it's more about the "stuff" than actually getting married. Not that long ago it was normal to have a small, simple wedding with a quick cake and punch reception after and call it a day. Now if you're not having a full plated dinner omggggg how tacky! Huh? There is no evidence to support this. None. We tell brides ALL THE TIME, to have cake and punch during non-meal times to avoid gaps, to save money, etc. 

Same goes for any suggestion of getting help with different tasks at the wedding. A lot of people do. That's what friends do. Friends are also understanding and forgiving but it seems any little BM drama is cause to not be friends with that person anymore. We always tell people they can accept whatever help is offered if they want to. The issue is going out and assigning jobs - like "and you'll hand out my programs, and you'll decorate my venue, and you'll help me clean up, and you'll plan my shower, and you'll plan my bachelorette party.... ok go!"

So all I'm saying I guess is calm the F down and think about the real motivation you may have for tearing into someone else. By no means am I saying to agree with every idea out there and go "that sounds great!" but seriously, trim the claws. I think the only calming down that needs to happen is with the conspiracy theory that everyone here is out to feel better about their own weddings by tearing others down. There's no support for it and it's simply untrue. Personally, I find that insulting when my purpose (and many others') is to help brides have awesome weddings.

ETA: I had what many would consider a "luxury wedding". No one here judged me, called me a spoiled brat, made snide comments about how much I was spending or otherwise. In fact, I felt very welcome, so I stayed.

Maggie0829

Paper plates at weddings are not tacky.  I don't think I have ever read that they are on here before.  I know that I have said that I would prefer real silverware as opposed to plasticware mainly because cutting things with a plastic fork is not always that easy but I certainly wouldn't pout if all I had to eat my chicken and potatoes with was a plastic fork and knife.

Also what @NYCMercedes said.  I would really like you to cite references because many times on here we actually suggest that brides have cake and punch receptions over having a pot-luck, cash bar wedding at night.  We don't care about how much or how little a couple (or whoever) is spending on their wedding.  We only care that they are treating their guests well and that they aren't being rude/breaking etiquette. 

Simply Fated

Paper plates at a wedding in a park just makes logical sense. I absolutely challenge you to point out to us where on the E board someone said paper plates at an outdoor wedding is tacky.

It should be noted that the "jealous" theory is a common theory over at WW. just saying.

ashleyep

I can see why new posters would think that people are rude here. But you also need to understand that there seems to be about 4 or 5 major threads a week about honeymoon registries or dollar dances or whether you can invite someone to a shower and not the wedding. It's honestly the same dialogue every time and if users would do a simple search, they would realize it. So responses are curt, and blunt, because they're tired of writing two paragraph responses sugar coating why it's rude to your guests. 

I do, however, think that people could put a little more effort into expanding their responses to brides who simply don't know any better or different. But it gets exhausting to do that over and over again, so there tends to be a lot "No. Don't do that." or "No, it's rude." without much more explanation of why. I find myself doing it too. My short, curt, maybe abrasive responses tend to get more "Love Its" than my longer sugar coated responses.

This is not unique to this board. Every message board has questions or unpopular ideas that pop up repeatedly and users get tired of it.

I also think that people should stop getting so upset about zombie threads. So what if it's old? Many times it's an interesting discussion to have and it's better to add on to an existing thread, IMO, than to create a new one where you're all going to get the same responses. Or people find a thread from Google and in that case especially, regardless of the time gap between posts, it's nice to have all of these responses in one place.

[Deleted User]

It's not the "good advice you don't want to hear," or the "hard truths that you are only going to get from the ladies around here that don't mince words". It's not dissenting opinion, or someone telling you that you are wrong about something. It isn't the content of the advice, or the curtness of the response offered that's rude.

The culture of these boards is so intimidating to newbies (at least in my experience) because of the scathing judgmentalism that sometimes accompanies that advice. There is just no reason to be as nasty or insulting as some of people here are when it comes to "telling it like it is." It feels like some members thrive on mob ridicule.

This is honestly one of the most cliquish boards I've ever been on. It shouldn't be so hard for newbies to post. Why do we have to lurk so long? So we learn how not to offend the almighty regs, it would seem. Good and sensible posting conduct with maybe a set of board-specific guidelines should be all that is needed to post. The advice to "lurk lurk lurk" first and the multitude of bolded disclaimers about "bluntness" (which is quite the euphemism) should really be a clue to the presence of a problem.

That being said, I'd say I've gotten a good deal of helpful insight here. I've also gotten a good deal of replies that were quite hurtful... not (usually) because of the content, but because of the delivery and choice of words (or GIFS hah). I also feel like a poster's words can be twisted against them with an artful mastery by some of the people here. I've got to learn how to do that, I might finally be able to get some the IT projects I need funded at work.

Dreamergirl8812

istril said:

It's not the "good advice you don't want to hear," or the "hard truths that you are only going to get from the ladies around here that don't mince words". It's not dissenting opinion, or someone telling you that you are wrong about something. It isn't the content of the advice, or the curtness of the response offered that's rude.

The culture of these boards is so intimidating to newbies (at least in my experience) because of the scathing judgmentalism that sometimes accompanies that advice. There is just no reason to be as nasty or insulting as some of people here are when it comes to "telling it like it is." It feels like some members thrive on mob ridicule.

This is honestly one of the most cliquish boards I've ever been on. It shouldn't be so hard for newbies to post. Why do we have to lurk so long? So we learn how not to offend the almighty regs, it would seem. Good and sensible posting conduct with maybe a set of board-specific guidelines should be all that is needed to post. The advice to "lurk lurk lurk" first and the multitude of bolded disclaimers about "bluntness" (which is quite the euphemism) should really be a clue to the presence of a problem.

That being said, I'd say I've gotten a good deal of helpful insight here. I've also gotten a good deal of replies that were quite hurtful... not (usually) because of the content, but because of the delivery and choice of words (or GIFS hah). I also feel like a poster's words can be twisted against them with an artful mastery by some of the people here. I've got to learn how to do that, I might finally be able to get some the IT projects I need funded at work.

Every single one of us was a newb at one point. And every one of us has been torn a new one. But the women here are very forgiving*, and respect maturity. If you flip out and call everyone cuntwaffles, no one here will like you. If you say, "Shit, I hadn't thought of it that way," you will not be judged. If you make mistakes along the way, you will be told. But if you stick around and learn etiquette and what weddings are really about, you will make friends.

*I don't think forgiving is quite the right word but I'm not going thesaurusing right now.

thejucheidea

istril said:

It's not the "good advice you don't want to hear," or the "hard truths that you are only going to get from the ladies around here that don't mince words". It's not dissenting opinion, or someone telling you that you are wrong about something. It isn't the content of the advice, or the curtness of the response offered that's rude.

The culture of these boards is so intimidating to newbies (at least in my experience) because of the scathing judgmentalism that sometimes accompanies that advice. There is just no reason to be as nasty or insulting as some of people here are when it comes to "telling it like it is." It feels like some members thrive on mob ridicule.

This is honestly one of the most cliquish boards I've ever been on. It shouldn't be so hard for newbies to post. Why do we have to lurk so long? So we learn how not to offend the almighty regs, it would seem. Good and sensible posting conduct with maybe a set of board-specific guidelines should be all that is needed to post. The advice to "lurk lurk lurk" first and the multitude of bolded disclaimers about "bluntness" (which is quite the euphemism) should really be a clue to the presence of a problem.

That being said, I'd say I've gotten a good deal of helpful insight here. I've also gotten a good deal of replies that were quite hurtful... not (usually) because of the content, but because of the delivery and choice of words (or GIFS hah). I also feel like a poster's words can be twisted against them with an artful mastery by some of the people here. I've got to learn how to do that, I might finally be able to get some the IT projects I need funded at work.

You posted something that pretty much said that those of us who chose to live with our SOs prior to engagement were doing it wrong because one report said people who cohabitated prior to marriage divorced more often, then went on to judge our SOs by saying that if we were going to live together anyway, why not just take the next step to engagement instead of putting it off. How did you think that was going to end?

[Deleted User]

You posted something that pretty much said that those of us who chose to live with our SOs prior to engagement were doing it wrong because one report said people who cohabitated prior to marriage divorced more often, then went on to judge our SOs by saying that if we were going to live together anyway, why not just take the next step to engagement instead of putting it off. How did you think that was going to end?

Thank you for providing and excellent example of the word-twisting I was talking about. You have totally misrepresented my meaning with this post. However, I'm NOT going to infect THIS thread with that toxic shitstorm. So I'm not responding to you here. I might respond to you there. Maybe. If I can summon the strength to restate, once again, the realities of what I said, as opposed to what I've been accused of saying.

MuppetOverlord

Holy crap, if people don't like it here, why do they stay?? 

I really don't understand any of the criticism after the mass exodus of regs who had much stronger words than we do.

LizM61409

My theory is that the girls who don't like blunt feedback to bad ideas are from the same generation who were coddled in school and given blue ribbons and gold stars for every little thing they've ever done, and that this is one of the first times other people are actually being honest with them.

Bottom line is don't post things on here expecting everyone to glowingly approve of everything you're doing. If you don't want potential negative feedback, then don't ask for advice!

Swazzle

Seriously @Istril? You need a fucking reality check. 

You came to NEY and asked for advice (I guess that was the purpose of your first thread). You were given advice. You also stated that you didn't believe in living together before getting engaged, WHICH IS FINE. When people stated they don't believe in getting engaged before living together, you started spewing "scientific" BULLSHIT to show us that we were doing it wrong. THEN, you started a completely separate thread, continuing to spew the scientific bullshit. And you are seriously wondering why the thread heated up and people were "mean" to you? 

thejucheidea

istril said:

You posted something that pretty much said that those of us who chose to live with our SOs prior to engagement were doing it wrong because one report said people who cohabitated prior to marriage divorced more often, then went on to judge our SOs by saying that if we were going to live together anyway, why not just take the next step to engagement instead of putting it off. How did you think that was going to end?

Thank you for providing and excellent example of the word-twisting I was talking about. You have totally misrepresented my meaning with this post. However, I'm NOT going to infect THIS thread with that toxic shitstorm. So I'm not responding to you here. I might respond to you there. Maybe. If I can summon the strength to restate, once again, the realities of what I said, as opposed to what I've been accused of saying.

I think you need to re-read your posts in that thread before you accuse me of word-twisting. When a dozen people are interpreting your post the same way, you need to consider that maybe you're the one who is wrong.

southernbelle0915

Wait, my marriage is doomed? @istril please say it ain't so! 

H and I lived together for 2.5 years before getting married. We even lived together when we weren't engaged (*gasp*)! 

Maggie0829

Well fuck, I guess H and I should start our divorce countdown now. Hmm wonder if I can find a ticker like that? **runs off to google that shit**

lennonkdc

@istril Really? REALLY? Are you serious? Yeah, there were some mean comments, but every singe one of those ladies who said 'mean' things didn't start off mean. We all tried to talk to you, help you with issues about wanting to be engaged and gave you, but your own admission, some really good advice. 

Then, things sort of, devolved...Maybe you weren't trying to say that those of us who live with our BF's prior to marriage or engagement are doomed to divorce, but given the 'studies' you cited, it really did come off that way. If what you wanted was a lively, thoughtful and kind discussion on the issue to help you clarify your feelings on the matter, there were better ways to go about it.  

There are girls on TK who wait to live with their SO's till marriage or engagement, there are those that wait till marriage to have sex with their H's, we don't judge them b/c they don't judge us. They don't charge forth Bible and/or scientific studies in hand to tell us all how we're doing it wrong and are doomed to have horrid unhappy marriages. They RESPECT  our views and our choices and we RESPECT theirs.  

If you want to wait till your engaged (and please at least tell me you've nailed the definition of that term down by now) its really no skin off my nuts. But don't use it an an ultimatum or a way to force a proposal. Thats all we were trying to say. 

Nicmorrison14

 

loves2shop4shoes

Oh holy fucking shitballs.  @Istril, seriously? 

Am I being punked right now?

You posted a thread in which we were ALL nice to you and gave you SOLID advice.  You mentioned that you don't believe in living together with your BF prior to engagement, which I said is arbitrary.  (In my opinion, it is.)  But I gave you GOOD advice.  We ALL did. 

You then started an entirely different thread, citing nonsense articles, charging home your point about how you should be engaged prior to cohabitation.  How did you think that was going to go?  All you were looking for was validation.  Validation on a highly controversial topic that EVERYONE on NEY disagrees with you on.

What you NEED to stop doing is parading around on NEY and any other board that will listen and crying, "Poor me!"  Drop it.  No one will agree with you.  No one will feel sorry for you. 

Either lurk and learn how to post appropriately, post about OTHER things, or leave.  It's really that simple.

MuppetOverlord

And now, for something completely different!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHSoN8t6x3M

(my favorite clip)

 

APDSS22

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE

I think that's right...posting from my phone is weird o.O

daveANDkristen

To any sensitive types reading this thread... FFS!  PLEASE grow up.  Most of the people who post on TK are really cool.  Some are cunty.  And? 

No one is saying you HAVE TO lurk and get to know the boards before you post, but if you ask a question about some rude shit that we have answered hundreds of times, you probably won't like the responses.  IF you lurked beforehand you would see that we don't sugarcoat shit around here.  The advice to lurk is for your own good. 

We have lots of light hearted conversations around here, and most of the advice is thoughtful.  99% of the posts where newbs feel threatened are asking if/explaining that they are an exception to the rule.  There are few exceptions - you are most likely NOT one of them.

Simply Fated

Out of curiosity, why wouldn't you want to lurk? You never know what great tips you might pick up.

CLoGreenEyes

mistril said:

Thank you for providing and excellent example of the word-twisting I was talking about. You have totally misrepresented my meaning with this post. However, I'm NOT going to infect THIS thread with that toxic shitstorm. So I'm not responding to you here. I might respond to you there. Maybe. If I can summon the strength to restate, once again, the realities of what I said, as opposed to what I've been accused of saying.

Seriously? I'm sorry, but you're bringing it on yourself now.

Dreamergirl8812

daveANDkristen said:

To any sensitive types reading this thread... FFS!  PLEASE grow up.  Most of the people who post on TK are really cool.  Some are cunty.  And? 

No one is saying you HAVE TO lurk and get to know the boards before you post, but if you ask a question about some rude shit that we have answered hundreds of times, you probably won't like the responses.  IF you lurked beforehand you would see that we don't sugarcoat shit around here.  The advice to lurk is for your own good. 

We have lots of light hearted conversations around here, and most of the advice is thoughtful.  99% of the posts where newbs feel threatened are asking if/explaining that they are an exception to the rule.  There are few exceptions - you are most likely NOT one of them.

Guilty.

daveANDkristen

Dreamergirl8812 said:

daveANDkristen said:

To any sensitive types reading this thread... FFS!  PLEASE grow up.  Most of the people who post on TK are really cool.  Some are cunty.  And? 

No one is saying you HAVE TO lurk and get to know the boards before you post, but if you ask a question about some rude shit that we have answered hundreds of times, you probably won't like the responses.  IF you lurked beforehand you would see that we don't sugarcoat shit around here.  The advice to lurk is for your own good. 

We have lots of light hearted conversations around here, and most of the advice is thoughtful.  99% of the posts where newbs feel threatened are asking if/explaining that they are an exception to the rule.  There are few exceptions - you are most likely NOT one of them.

Guilty.

LOL me too

Viczaesar

FiancB said:

I've been a forum poster for a long time and typically enjoy the posters that are more blunt. I don't like people being nice for the sake of being nice and like honest opinions, when intelligent and tactful. Most of the forums I post on are horse related, which are their own special brand of crazy.

I swear though, one could write a goddamn psychological or sociological thesis about this board. 

Don't get me wrong. It's a great forum with a lot of people from a lot of different walks of life. But the obsession with tacky is getting kind of old. It's like a constant pissing contest to see who can find the "tacky" ideas first and do the bitchiest rundown of how it's tacky. 

First of all, I think it's people trying to reassure themselves that THEY are having the best wedding EVAR. By pointing out others' tacky ideas, they feel a little bit more reassured that they are not tacky. The more you demonize others for daring suggesting having a cash bar, the better you feel about your wedding. 

Well, I'm not getting married, so...

APDSS22

The reason lurking is requested is so people do not get surprised when they ask a question someone else (and a million of their special snowflake friends) has asked before and then receive the same advice. Usually delivered in the same tone. It's just common sense.

I myself lurked for a long time before posting and enjoyed it. I only started posting more regularly because I believe with all the regs leaving/being banned someone had to help the posters left answer the newbie questions about etiquette so it's not all YOUR day comments and people who want to perpetuate rudeness to your guests.