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Am I being a brat? Plus a little vent. LONG, like most of my posts.

So, I was at work today when my mom came in to say hi to everybody (she works there as well) before a nearby doctor's appointment. She asked if I wanted to get some dinner tonight. I said I was sorry but I already had plans. She quickly said hello to everyone else in the nurse's station and then left for her appointment.

Within five minutes, a whole bunch of my co-workers were "jokingly" asking me what I had to do that was more important than going out to dinner with my mom. I guess while she was saying hi she mentioned something about it. Not that anything was more important than that; I was just going to go see BF and his grandfather (who fell again yesterday, by the way =/), but that's what I had planned and I just didn't think much of it.

After a few of my co-workers approached me, a few even saying something to the effect of, "As a mom, can I just say OUCH?!" I started feeling seriously guilty. So I let BF know that I would see them sometime after dinner and texted my mom to say I moved things around and would like to take her up on dinner. She hasn't gotten back to me yet.

Now the vent part: I am kind of irritated by this whole thing. I live with my mom. I work with my mom. We go out together quite often, we stay in and talk quite often. I don't see that there is any dearth of quality time spent between us. I'm annoyed that a) she didn't just tell ME, "Gosh, I really wanted to go out tonight," and instead apparently went back and announced my heartlessness to all of our co-workers, and b) that all of these people took it upon themselves to tell me what a brat I was being, especially since they do not really know our dynamic or relationship.

Since a whole lot of drama with my brothers happened back in the spring, plus some stuff with her kinda-sorta boyfriend that has been going on, I have been doing a lot of listening to my mom. A lot. And a lot of spending time with her - especially compared to my brothers or even most of her friends. Which is fine. But occasionally it gets to be too much, and I want a break from it! Especially when stuff like this comes up where I'm at school or at work or with BF and later I hear about how I'm "neglecting" her; and especially when that listening goes into my mom asking for all kinds of advice that I just don't feel I should be giving - stuff about how to parent my brothers or how to deal with my dad/her ex-husband. I don't know if it's normal that this makes me incredibly uncomfortable, but it does. This goes back to when I was a kid, maybe 12 or so, and her asking me, "Do you think I should divorce your dad?" and other equally loaded questions, seriously looking for insight from me. I won't deny that my mom has a had a tough marriage and a hard time parenting us (especially my brothers, haha), that she needs a good support system, and that she has been a damn good mom to me despite all of that, but I sometimes can't tell whether I'm her daughter, her friend, or her therapist.

AM I being a brat, guys? Should I just suck it up and always-always-always be there for her no matter what? And is it normal, OK, or at least understandable that sometimes I feel put upon to take care of her emotionally? I don't want to be ungrateful or mean to my mom, because there are a lot of things she's done right by me and I love her. But this is something that comes up more and more these days, and I just want to find a happy balance. I don't want her to feel like I don't care, but...that's a LOT of caring she seems to expect!

Re: Am I being a brat? Plus a little vent. LONG, like most of my posts.

  • I don't think you're being a brat. You don't have to take your mom up on every one of her offers for dinners or get-togethers, and it's okay to at least feel put upon to take care of her emotionally. It's really inappropriate that she complained to your coworkers - I would ignore what they said. It's not their place.

    I can't blame you for feeling uncomfortable about how much she leans on you. Is there some way for you to suggest that she get some counseling? I guess that would be awkward ...
  • You are NOT being a brat. Does your mom do this often (go behind your back to others complaning that you don't spend time with her)? Do you have set days away from her in the evenings?  Can you slowly increase these? 

    You mom is your mom and you, of course, feel the need to listen to her and be compassionate to her but this sounds more like your mom being co-dependent on you.  That isn't healthy (nor is it healthy that she asked you if she should divorce your dad...eeek).  Its hard to break a cycle like this once it has formed but to do so you need a set plan to reduce the amount of time you are spending with her (so that you can grow your relationship with your BF as well as maintain your sanity) slowly but surely.  You'll also need a thick skin once she starts complaining.  Sometimes it helps to tell people who demand too much of you (no matter how much you love them) that you need time for yourself so that you can nurture yourself and, in turn, be able to give back to others.  My mom is one of my best friends...so I do feel your pain in wanting to not hurt her feelings but you may be doing her a favor in letting her figure out some of her problems on her own. 

  • Thanks @keptinstitches and @minskat30. I was beginning to think I was going CRAZY!

    To answer your questions:
    -She is in counseling off and on. I don't think she has a lot of faith in it to do her much good.
    -I wouldn't say she goes behind my back very often, but it has happened. More often, if I tell her I'm going out, whether with BF or friends or to study, she directly says that I'm never home or it's dumb that I'm going out when I know I'll miss her. Mostly she is playing around, but she is also kind of not, KWIM?
    -I don't have any days set in stone every week to be away, but I do find time each week at some point. It is weird; whenever I'm away from home, even during the day if I'm at work or school or whatever, she is constantly texting asking where I am and when I'll be home. I can't decide if that's her being a mom and keeping track of me, or if it's more about her wanting to spend time together. Probably some of both.

    I definitely don't have a thick skin with stuff like this, because my mom really doesn't rely on her friends or her boyfriend to spend time with her and actually complains that they want to see her too much. But if she doesn't go out to see them, either I hang out with her or she will literally spend the whole day watching TV and napping if she's not at work.

    It is hard because we live and work together, so I feel like I see sooooo much of her, and I feel like our co-workers see a lot more of our family life than they need to. I'm starting to feel like I should find another job so at least that part of my life is my own, but damn. I like where I work.

    And now I feel like utter crap because she didn't get my text until just now and she already got take-out and went home. So I guess I failed that part of the day. *Sigh*
  • Dude, if I spent that much time with my mother, I would've put a pistol in my mouth a LONG time ago.

    No, you're not being a brat.  Your mom needs a larger group of supporters.  You can't be her only confidant.
  • I'm a mom.  I don't think you did or said anything brat worthy.  My daughter and I have a very good relationship.  There are times I turn her (and spouse) down, and there are times she/they turn me down.  

    If you choose not to entertain her on any given day, you shouldn't worry about how she may spend her day.  She makes choices, too.
  • I don't know if you need somewhere new to work as much as somewhere new to live! Hugs - this sucks! If I were you, I'd shut my phone off when I was away.
  • You are NOT being a brat, and your coworkers were being incredibly rude and intrusive.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • Thanks everybody. <3 Y'all are so awesome and understanding.

    @keptinstitches, you are definitely right that moving out would help a helluva lot. That is not realistic while I'm in school, though, so I need to find a way to deal. BF and I had a good talk about this tonight, so I have some ideas about how to set some reasonable boundaries. I think she and I just need a regular mother-daughter date night where we both know we're going to hang out, and then establish the understanding that on other nights I have other stuff to deal with. And I'll need to grow a backbone to maintain that, because it shall be tested for sure.

    BF also gave me some perspective on stuff with the family. I firmly feel that parents shouldn't be "friends" with their children in the sense that they depend on them emotionally, but he pointed out that that doesn't mean there is no exchange of ideas between them. Since she is not tight with my dad anymore, I am the only other person that gets what goes on with my brothers, so she might want my thoughts on that. It's not necessarily a bad thing for me to offer some things for her to consider about them, but I need to stop feeling like I need to give her advice and thus claim responsibility for whatever happens. And obviously if I feel uncomfortable with a specific topic, I need to say so (I have a hard time with that, perhaps you noticed).

    As for the co-workers...Yeah. That wasn't cool. I really need to work on my reaction time, because I really didn't know what to say. "Uh...I just have plans? We'll have dinner together tomorrow? And...kindly show yourself out of my personal life, because it's none of your damn business?"
  • I just want to echo what has already been said here - you are NOT being a brat. I can't believe your co-workers were so rude to make those comments.


  • You need to practice your Miss Manners Icy Stare. It should be unleashed on your coworkers every time they say something inappropriate. Sometimes the best response is really silence.
  • Noted. My new role model shall be this kitty:

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  • You are definitely not being a brat. I would be really annoyed that my mom went behind my back and essentially bad-mouthed me and that my coworkers felt it was their place to comment on the situation in that way. 

    It seems like your mom has forgotten that you're not one of her girlfriends, but her daughter. Things like "should I divorce your father" are so inappropriate to ask a child and puts that child in a horrible position. I know you said that your mom is off and on with therapy but what about you?



  • I want to second moving out when you're able to. Physical distance will do a lot to ease the burden your mom is unfairly placing on you. You are NOT a brat. You are her daughter and not her therapist. I also want to echo whoever said that you should create a specific date night. It may help ease her to know that this particular time is guaranteed with you and maybe it will take some of the pressure off of you the rest of the week to spend time with her (t's not like you don't already see her every day anyway). I think it's a really good idea.



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