Wedding Etiquette Forum

S/O Etiquette Faux Pas VS Victimless Crimes

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Re: S/O Etiquette Faux Pas VS Victimless Crimes

  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Wait, no tuxes before 6pm? I've never heard of this before. So technically, say the ceremony is at 4pm, then cocktail hour, then the reception is at 6pm, it would not be appropriate to wear tuxes at the ceremony?

    FH and his men are wearing suits, but when looking at rentals, most places don't even have the option to rent a suit, all tuxes, and if there is an option, there is only one. 

    Wearing white is a non issue. 

    I don't know if having a reception card is truly an etiquette issue or not- I assumed the reason was to share the address of a separate venue which may not fit on the invitation itself. If the ceremony and reception are in the same location, writing "reception to follow" is appropriate. 

    Having inserts is a non-issue either way for me, but I would prefer less pieces of paper to keep track of- put it all on a wedding website and save yourself some money! I think putting gift registry info right on the invitation is tacky, but including a small insert does not bother me- or better, on the wedding website, because I honestly would not think to google the B&G's name in order to search for a possible gift registry. I would ask via WOM if they were close, but otherwise if no mention was made, assume there was no registry. I will take a tacky registry card over having to put in more of my own effort to track down your registry. 

    I'm not a fan of a full cash bar (namely because I don't come with a ton of cash, usually just a debit card should I run into an issue getting home). But, I was at one wedding where there was champagne given on entrance, unlimited wine with dinner, and then 3 drink tickets were given to each guest- if you wanted more, you bought it. I had no issue with this, because I think five drinks (actually more than 5, because most people had 2 or more glasses of wine with dinner) is fair. 
  • LDubHawksFanLDubHawksFan member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2013
    zobird said:

    I love threads that ask this question!

    We are committing a crime but are doing it to keep my mom from freaking out.

    We're doing a wine pour with dinner as our venue requires the bar to be closed for the 45 minutes that servers are milling about. My mom is allergic to red and white wine, but not champagne. We are providing her with a glass of champagne. Our bar package does have champagne, so if someone really wants a glass before or after dinner, they can have some. We are not doing a champagne toast.

    We are also providing cupcakes to guests with allergies - but they will be different flavors from the regular cake. That's what the cakemaker could offer. The rest of our guests are getting two options, so if someone complains about allergic guests receiving chocolate cupcakes when they have two flavors to choose from, they're silly, IMHO.

    As for other faux pas that don't bother me:
    - I would prefer a cash bar to a dry wedding - but perhaps that's because every wedding I've been to up until I was 22 was cash. I would never complain about either, and I would never dream of hosting a cash bar.
    - A wedding guest that wears white
    - Tuxes worn during the day

    Allergic to wine?! I just shed a tear for your mom!!

    On another note, the whole tuxes before 6 thing I didn't know and never care. I agree, men look great in tuxes....though sometimes I can't tell the difference between tuxes and 3 piece suit options out there.

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  • banana468 said:
    Some of these I don't see as victimless. I'd be pissed to be old enough to drink but still be on my parents' invitation. Tuxes before evening don't bother me either. We also didn't use a reception card. All the information was on the invitation. I fail to see how that is offensive.
    To the bolded: I definitely get this but I really wouldn't find it offensive until I was done with college. Flame me all you want for this, but I have a hard time seeing an 18-22 year old college student who is 100% supported by their parents as an independent adult who needs their own invitation. Particularly guys who couldn't give a flying frick about invitations.
    Yeah I woudl never care if I was on my parent's invitation, and any kadult (my new word for a kid-adult!) shoudl remember to send a gift. In my experience, even sending young 20-somethings their own invite doesn't generally mean they're not above signing their name to their parents gift. Really, at least send a card (ahem, my cousins I'm talking to you!)
  • HAHHH that Alec Baldwin pic is PRICELESS, and I totally agree. Tuxes any time. Like cocktails, it's just never too early....

     

  • Printed labels for me.  I see it more as something for the post office to deliver them properly, so I don't care if the bride wrote them or printed them.  I want to PO to deliver it properly.  And anyone who says that handwritten labels take more time and therefore show that you put more effort into them has never fought with a printer screwing up labels again and again

    What else??  Let me think
    I had neurosurgery and I know write like chicken scratch.  Although I am a converted South Paw, that even looks like crap at times.  If I don't elope first, it will be labels for me.



  • banana468 said:

    Some of these I don't see as victimless. I'd be pissed to be old enough to drink but still be on my parents' invitation.

    Tuxes before evening don't bother me either.

    We also didn't use a reception card. All the information was on the invitation. I fail to see how that is offensive.

    To the bolded: I definitely get this but I really wouldn't find it offensive until I was done with college. Flame me all you want for this, but I have a hard time seeing an 18-22 year old college student who is 100% supported by their parents as an independent adult who needs their own invitation. Particularly guys who couldn't give a flying frick about invitations.

    Yeah I woudl never care if I was on my parent's invitation, and any kadult (my new word for a kid-adult!) shoudl remember to send a gift. In my experience, even sending young 20-somethings their own invite doesn't generally mean they're not above signing their name to their parents gift. Really, at least send a card (ahem, my cousins I'm talking to you!)


    My cousins did that too. I figure maybe they chipped in, who knows. I prefer to do my gifts solo but everyone's different. They'll still get TYs!
  • djhar said:

    The label rule was from a time when brides were expected to hand address all the invitations with their own calligraphy skills. So, I think it's silly when people think it's still a big deal.

     

    Also, the tuxes only after 6 rule is also silly. As long as you're not putting requirements on your guests, why does it matter?

    Using shower gifts before the wedding - yeah, it's rude technically, but as long as the guests never know, it's not a big deal.

    After enough years of finishing school, I actually did.  And, for the hours spent doing it, I judge. :)
  • Including adult children on their parent's invitation is not a victimless crime. I was invited on my parent's invitation to my cousin's wedding. I had no idea. It was like a week until the wedding and I was talking to my mom about how I didn't get an invitation. (My cousin and I have always been good friends and really close). My mom said, "oh yea, we got an invitation and you were on it."

    I found it incredibly rude. I was an adult who had not lived at home for over two years. How was I supposed to know that my parents got an invitation? (And my boyfriend wasn't included either but since we were long-distance at the time, it wasn't a big deal.)

    If an adult child is actually living at home, it's one thing (although I still disapprove). If they don't live at home, always always always send them their own invitation and don't send it to their parent's house either.* It could get thrown away or put in a stack of so-and-so's mail and never be seen again until Mom or Dad decides to send it on.


    *Except in the case mentioned above where the person said "send it to my parents" when asked.
  • @lovesclimbing, ditto circumstances except BF was not included - and he was local.
  • I agree with PPs about adult children (esp college-age kids!) still living at home. I am not sending five invitations to one house. No way. 

    But I also resented the fact that my cousin and his fiance sent the STDate for me and FI to my parents' address....along with my brother, SIL and nephew.

    Seriously, the STDate looked like this:

    Mr. and Mrs. HisGirlFriday's Parents
    Ms. HisGirlFriday and FI (didn't know his name, couldn't be bothered to ask or look on FB, just 'fiance')
    Mr. HisGirlFriday's Brother and Wife's First Name (no last name)
    Nephew (no last name)

    That one chapped my bits...
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I disagree about donating to charity instead of favors.

    I think it is NOT a victimless crime if the bride and groom make a big fuss to let everyone know that they donated money to a charity. It's not victimless because it makes the bride and groom look AWish and arrogant.

    However, I am pretty much against favors. So if the couple donated money and didn't have favors and didn't tell their guests how awesome and generous they (the bride and groom) were then I'd be fine with it.

    This reminds me of the episode of Friends when Phoebe tries to prove that doing a good deed can be selfless. Yeah, it's not selfless when you make a big proverbial sign that says you're doing a good deed.




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  • phira said:
    Ugh I HATE "and guest" when the guest is a significant other. From experience, it makes me feel like I'm unwanted, or like my SO is unwanted.

     
    Speaking of "and guest", one of our invitations was addressed to "Mr. ____ _____ and Guest".  As it just so happened, Mr. __________ _____________ had been happily married to the same woman for 12 years!!!  I was not happy with FI for failing to proofread his guest list. 
  • I disagree about donating to charity instead of favors.

    I think it is NOT a victimless crime if the bride and groom make a big fuss to let everyone know that they donated money to a charity. It's not victimless because it makes the bride and groom look AWish and arrogant.

    However, I am pretty much against favors. So if the couple donated money and didn't have favors and didn't tell their guests how awesome and generous they (the bride and groom) were then I'd be fine with it.

    This reminds me of the episode of Friends when Phoebe tries to prove that doing a good deed can be selfless. Yeah, it's not selfless when you make a big proverbial sign that says you're doing a good deed.


    Ahahahaha I LOVE that show. That's a favorite episode of mine, just for that plot.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • I'm not sure if this is a victimless crime or not but I personally don't mind the choreographed dances, like the Electric Slide or Cotton Eye Joe. Every wedding in my family has all of these songs so I've grown accustomed to them and badass at killing them on the floor.
    I feel like you have to have at least 2 line dances at weddings to really get people up and out on the dance floor.  I find that the weddings that don't have them (like my SILs) less people danced because they didn't want to be the "first one's" out on the dance floor.  Line dances get a large group out there and most tend to stay out there to continue to dance.





  • I'm not sure if this is a victimless crime or not but I personally don't mind the choreographed dances, like the Electric Slide or Cotton Eye Joe. Every wedding in my family has all of these songs so I've grown accustomed to them and badass at killing them on the floor.

    I feel like you have to have at least 2 line dances at weddings to really get people up and out on the dance floor.  I find that the weddings that don't have them (like my SILs) less people danced because they didn't want to be the "first one's" out on the dance floor.  Line dances get a large group out there and most tend to stay out there to continue to dance.

    Yeah. My BF's brother's wedding didn't have any dances like that and I didn't want to be on the dance floor otherwise. They're so much more fun.


    I have to completely disagree. If you need line dances to get people on the dance floor you have a crappy DJ. The best ones I've seen (including the one we used) play music that packs a dance floor and they never go to line dances.

  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2013
    scribe95 said:

    @lovesclimbing - your situation is different than the one being discussed, which is when an adult still lives at home and whether they get a seperate invite. I don't think it's necessary.

    In your case you defnitely deserved your own invite.

    My post was addressed more toward kefryar and people in general who think it's ok to send one invitation even when people aren't living at home for most of the year.

    And even if the adult children do live at home year-round, I do not think (general) you should send one invitation.  Most of the young adults I know who still live at home do so for financial reasons and they wish they could move out and become independent.  Adding them on to their parents invitation just reminds them that they are not independent and may make them feel more like a child.

    In addition, elderly people who live with their grown children is a similar case.  Most of the elderly people I know who are dependent on their adult children wish that they weren't losing their mobility or their memory, etc.  And adding them on to someone else's invitation is just another reminder of losing their independence.

    So no, I do not view sending one invitation to all the adults in a household as a victim-less crime.
  • Things that I think are victimless crimes:
    Labels
    Wearing tuxes before six
    Bride/groom drinking something different so long as it isn't obvious

    Things that don't personally bother me, but definitely are still rude and people shouldn't do them:
    Gaps
    Not getting my own invitation when I was in college
    Not having my BF invited when I was in college
    Sending out invitations early with early RSVP dates
    Bride/groom drinking or eating something obviously different from everyone else
    Hair/makeup as a bridesmaid gift
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • When I was in University I was given my own invitations to all (~4) weddings I was invited to, I didn't think anything of it since my Dad wasn't invited to any of them. Long story short Dad had a falling out with all of our family but they still all like me.

    Had he been invited I would have expected the invitation to be addressed to the two of us- I think- now I don't know. I'm confused.

    I guess how it would work is if you are old enought to bring a SO/Guest/Date you get your own invitation?

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