Hello all! and Relationship workbooks?

poegirlsmores

Hi! Long time lurker here..

So, I have a bit of a question (obviously) so here's some background info.

A couple of friends of mine are in a relationship, and have been for over 4 years now. They have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. However, since she has been born, their relationship has been rocky at best. Normally it would not be my business, but since I am a psychology major and plan on getting my degree in Mental Health Counseling after I complete my Bachelor's, they came to me for advice, and now I feel as though it is my business to help them out.
I've given them the best advice I can, including to try to go to Couple's Counseling from a professional. However, they are not in the best position financially either, and I doubt they can afford counseling if it is not required by law (and I'm sure the law would rather they break up than pay for their counseling).
Anyway, as a long-time lurker, I've seen a member mention workbooks that can be bought that may help facilitate this (though obviously never a substitute for real counseling).

My question is, have any of you used these types of books before? What did you think of them? Do you have any recommendations that I could pass along to my friends?

On another note, does anyone else get extremely sad when they see their friends on the verge of breaking up with their long-term partners? I have the situation mentioned above, and another situation with a friend and her husband going on, and it's all very discouraging! I'd like to think that love can last forever, but I haven't seen much evidence of that. Anyone have evidence? : D

Thanks so much in advance for any comments/advice on how to handle this!

bethsmiles

I don't have any advice on workbooks. BF and I have gone through a few books about questions to ask before getting engaged and such but I don't think they'd help your friends out much. You said you are still in school - are your friends? Because usually schools offer very affordable counseling so they might want to look into that if they are students.

As for evidence that love can last - I know a lot of couples that are still together after many years. My parents and grandparents just for starters. I've had a lot of friends get married over the past few years and they are all still happily (as far as I know) married. There are a lot of factors that go into why a marriage (or any relationship) lasts or fails. I don't think you should be discouraged in your own relationship because others around you aren't working out. But I do understand being sad that your friends are having a rough time.

KeptInStitches

I don't have any advice on workbooks, but could they maybe read a couple of love self-help books? BF and I got a lot closer after we went through The Five Love Languages.

Evidence that love lasts? My parents are married after more than 30 years. BF's mom has been with her FI for about 15 years, BF's dad has been married to his wife for 13 years or so. My mom's parents were married for 61 years before my grandma died. Love lasts, but the relationship has to be right.

poegirlsmores

Thanks Beth!
No, my friends aren't currently in college, though one of them aspires to go to school someday. She has a lot of things holding her back for now though, unfortunately. Hmm, you're right, I doubt the same book would apply to both pre-engagement issues and the issues they're having now.
I may have to do some shopping around online, and suggest they do the same. Though if there is anyone else on these forums that knows of a good workbook for these types of relationship issues, I'd still love a response!

Yeah, I try not to take it to heart when others break up, but it can be difficult. I'm one of those hopeless romantics that believes it is possible, but have rarely seen a couple last over 20 years.. Very sad.

poegirlsmores

And @keptinstitches that is probably a very good option if they're unable to get the counseling that I think they'd really benefit from!

loves2shop4shoes

You hit the nail on the head in your OP. no workbook will be a good substitute for counseling.

There are great books out there that facilitate conversation, but if they don't know how to effectively communicate with each other, conversation could lead to more fights!

CLoGreenEyes

There is a book by Dr. Phil (judge away, y'all, judge away) that was very good for my BF and me. I believe it was called Relationship Rescue. It has questionnaires and exercises (not cheesy ones; they cut to the chase and are actually somewhat useful) that really help you to talk to each other. It also reminds you of where you both are coming from, in terms of your family, your beliefs about relationships, your fears, etc. Definitely NOT a substitute for real counseling, but it was a good beginning step. For BF and me, it took a few weeks to go through, and it was a fun and revealing activity for us. It also cleared up some minor misconceptions I had about him, which has been good for our relationship.

Are your friends religious at all? A pastor or other clergy member they know may also be helpful to them. They can also check through their employers to see if they have some sort of employee assistance program. Where I work, we have a program that will provide six counseling sessions free to employees - maybe one of them has access to something like that?

As for evidence that love can last...I mean, I've seen it. My grandparents loved each other for nearly sixty years before my grandmother died. Plenty of family members and friends have happy, solid relationships that are encouraging. However, I don't find it necessarily discouraging when people I know break up. I have a friend who dated her high school sweetheart for five years. They spent the last two years miserable because they were trying to tape together a relationship that had run its course. When they broke up, she felt better because neither of them was lying about it anymore. She is now dating a wonderful man who couldn't make her happier and they are buying a house together now. It's sad when break-ups occur, but they allow for growth, change, and greater happiness when the people involved allow it.

poegirlsmores

@Amapola14 You might be the person I heard mention the workbooks before, because I remember that post also having something to do with Dr. Phil. Lol. I'll definitely have them check out that book in particular. Thanks a lot!

To answer your questions, no my friends and I are all atheist. Though I agree that a religious leader would probably be a good help, I doubt they'd go for it. And they are currently unemployed, hence their money issues, so there would be no work-related resources, unfortunately.. Like I said, they really aren't in a great position at all! I really wouldn't be suggesting a work book at all if I thought they could get this counseling another way. So while I will suggest they look into counseling for themselves (maybe they can find an option that will work for them) my guess is this work book will be their best bet (or some self-help books as KeptInStitches mentioned).

I'm also really glad that you all seem to have seen relationships last. I agree that I wouldn't try to stay in an unhappy relationship, I would just hope that it stays happy with the effort that you naturally have to put into it. Basically, I'm glad to see that it doesn't need to be a fairy tale for people to stay happy with each other.

To be honest, with this particular couple I think they would be better off separated, but as they've asked for my advice, I'd like to see them both put some effort into it for the sake of their daughter before giving up.

Thank you all so much for your help!

KeptInStitches

Sometimes people are better co-parents apart than they are together. I would keep that in mind, too, and advise them to do what is best for their daughter.

bethsmiles

KeptInStitches said:

Sometimes people are better co-parents apart than they are together. I would keep that in mind, too, and advise them to do what is best for their daughter.

Agree 100%. Sometimes splitting up is much better for the kid than staying together.

poegirlsmores

I agree with you both too! My parents divorced when I was 13, and it was much better to see them separated and somewhat happy than to see them fighting with each other every day. I'm not saying they can magically fix all their problems. I would just like to see them put effort into the relationship so that IF they can work it out, their daughter could grow up with both parents around. But yes, if none of this works, it is most definitely a better situation to have them split than fighting all the time.

KeptInStitches

If they've been fighting for three years, it might be time for them to break up. Sad but true.