Bridal Shower Etiquette

KickAssMOH

I was in a similar situation and what we decided to do is an example of poor etiquette. I am regretful, but it's my own fault for not coming to this board until it was too late:

We were under pressure to register, so we did. We needed nothing, but we selected a wide range of gifts. We received them, we opened them at our shower, we wrote lovely thank you notes, and returned 80% of the gifts for a store credit. I feel so bad admitting to it... it felt wrong at the time and it still feels horrible. We told our friends and family that we were putting things into storage until we move into a bigger home, when in reality, we plan to repurchase everything after we move several months after our wedding.

I didn't know how else to handle it. We would never do a honeymoon registry, nor would we ask for cash (and, to be honest, I'd feel awkward receiving cash and would have a very hard time composing thankyou's). So now I am left with a great list of items people gave us so that I don't forget, hundreds of dollars in BB&B gift cards, and a horrible guilty feeling about it all.

PetKatSold2011

It's ok Photokitty.  No need to agree. That wasn't full on my purpose.  Never realized I was saying that it's ok just to ask for money but I think maybe I was just more linient about the topic. But like I said before, I'm not etiqutte expert and it is an etiquette forum which I did not know.  Just want to make the couple happy without me being offended.

I didn't even know it was an option to be able to correct people's spelling, haha.  Anyway, I did think it was rude.  I like these forums because you can debate and give different insight.  The spelling thing wasn't something I was expecting.  Thank you for pointing this out.

Weddings are supposed to be happy.  Wishing you all the best.

ashleyep

KickAssMOH said:

I was in a similar situation and what we decided to do is an example of poor etiquette. I am regretful, but it's my own fault for not coming to this board until it was too late:

We were under pressure to register, so we did. We needed nothing, but we selected a wide range of gifts. We received them, we opened them at our shower, we wrote lovely thank you notes, and returned 80% of the gifts for a store credit. I feel so bad admitting to it... it felt wrong at the time and it still feels horrible. We told our friends and family that we were putting things into storage until we move into a bigger home, when in reality, we plan to repurchase everything after we move several months after our wedding.

I didn't know how else to handle it. We would never do a honeymoon registry, nor would we ask for cash (and, to be honest, I'd feel awkward receiving cash and would have a very hard time composing thankyou's). So now I am left with a great list of items people gave us so that I don't forget, hundreds of dollars in BB&B gift cards, and a horrible guilty feeling about it all.

Are you actually planning to rebuy what they got you? Or did you use that money for other things? It's not the worst thing in the world if you plan on actually repurchasing the items they got you. 

Xstatic3333

@PetKatSold2011 I do hear you about not being especially bothered by cash registries. There are some other etiquette no-nos, like partial cash bars, that don't personally bother me. I think I found this board so helpful because I learned the kinds of things that different people beyond myself, my friends, and my family found rude. It made me realize that my being comfortable with something doesn't make it polite. I encourage you to lurk and stick around; this board can be super helpful and everyone is very welcoming once you ease into getting a feel for the place.

KickAssMOH

we plan on repurchasing the same items...althought it might be a "newer" version by that time. We didn't want to burden ourselves with having to move all the extra boxes and run the risk of breaking things.  

PetKatSold2011

Thanks @Xstatic3333.  I hear you all and take everything said into consideration.  I guess in part that is what I wanted to do also..give a different perspective and throw in a different thought.  It seems though, etiquette is pretty specific even though I felt there are different walks of life, culture etc but you ladies have opened me to think maybe there is only one, best possible way that is good for everyone.  I just thought, I'm paying money for a gift, I'd pay money to go towards something else if that would help the couple. No intentions of saying what I mentioned was right or wrong. Overall the way I do things is to make sure the couple is happy. Treat people the way you want to be treated.  I feel bad getting people things they don't necessarily need or really want.  I understand though, other people may be offended and within good reason.  I feel if you worry too much about certain things and put other people first all the time you may end up like the young lady that felt under pressure about creating a registry and ended up returning 80% of the gifts.   I'll definitely stick around.  It's nice to see everyone’s opinions and I respect them all when it's done in a respectful manner.  I'm glad I'm not in this situation.  Got my registry all set, gifts will be opened, and it is all wanted/needed for when I move in with my fiance.  

southernbelle0915

KickAssMOH said:

we plan on repurchasing the same items...althought it might be a "newer" version by that time. We didn't want to burden ourselves with having to move all the extra boxes and run the risk of breaking things.  

I have disagreed with you on other stuff/boards, but I think it's really cool that you admitted a huge etiquette faux pas so others can learn from it. Props. What's done is done, you realized it was a mistake and it sounds like you're trying to make it right by using the money to buy back the gifts.

Confession: I put "adults only" and attire information on my website before I came here. Thankfully, I lurked here and took it down before STDs went out, but we've all made etiquette mistakes, learned from them, and tried to share the experience so others don't make the same missteps.

Macy135

What's wrong with gifts?  I don't know how anyone can come to a wedding shower, or any other event of that sort empty-handed and feel good about themselves. 

Your mother is spending time and effort on hosting the event, providing food, etc.  A small gift is expected to get the bride started in her new life as a family.

Personally, it's easier for me to give cash, then go to the store, deal with the registry,  and wrap the gift.  BTW, at a few showers I've been to recently, there was no gift unwrapping.

PetKatSold2011

@southernbelle0915 that was a very nice, constructive, encouraging way to respond.  I don't really learn anything from the unproductive comments. Your right, what's done is done. 

@Macy135 ..lol I got the grunt of this stance.  Save yourself! Jk. :P  I mean, just cash might not be too sentimental but...idk...if the couple has a goal or don't need anything else why not..?  That's how I was thinking.  No harm intended.  I try not to judge of what looks good or bad.  Maybe that's why I'm not strict to etiquette rules but nice to know nevertheless.

MichelleNicole101113

I think it is up to you, you know the people invited to your wedding to know if they will think it is rude or not.  Speaking from my own experience, my fiance and I have lived together for 3 years and have most household things we need.  I made a small 10 item registry at bed bath and beyond and registered my honeymoon with Liberty Travel as well as having a wishing well for any household cleaning items.  I actually had a lot of people saying they liked that we registered the honeymoon rather than have to get a gift.  We would up getting the rest of our honeymoon paid off with some extra money to use on the cruise.  It's not rude to do this, it may not be traditional but its being done more and more. 

PetKatSold2011

@MichelleNicole101113 That's great that you and your spouse really got what you wanted and received help doing so. Just like its nice opening gifts, I would think its just as exciting to see pictures of you and your new hubby enjoying yourselves on your vaycay and as a guest think that I helped make that possible. It really is up to the couple and their audience. I know its not for everyone. Understood that its not the norm but its being done. Different things aren't always bad if done tastefully, graciously and appreciative. Saying give me cash isn't tasteful. To say the couple opted to save for their honeymoon and would be appreciative to a contribution is something else. Honesty avoids the headaches of returning items you didn't want in the first place...or the "where is the $200 vase I gave you?". Sorry I know I possibly changed the topic of the initial post I think lol.

CaitlinHitt

arrippa

adelmanwedding said:

Consider registering for you honeymoon.  They make it so easy these days with sites like these:

http://www.honeymoonwishes.com/

Service & Handling Fee

We charge a small service & handling fee to maintain a professional full service registry for you, your friends and family. This service & handling fee provides an ad free registry experience, wedding website and social networking tools with the highest level of security, encryption and insurance. Our team is here to answer calls toll free, process checks and credit card transactions of your guests.

You may choose whether you'd like the service & handling fee to be added or deducted from each gift amount. Adding it to the transaction means that the purchaser will be charged a 9.65% service & handling fee at check-out. Deducting the service & handling fee will have the gift amount transfer at 7% less than the listed amount to you, with the gift purchaser paying a reduced service fee of 2.65%. If the fee is added to the gift, purchasers can receive a 2.65% discount if they choose to mail a check directly bringing the total service fee to 7%.

So, this sound like a good idea to you?

dschnall28

If you just want money for the honeymoon why not do a honeymoon registry? I know many people who are doing that now b/c they already have everything they need. speak with your travel agent about it, it's apparently the "new thing".

KeptInStitches

First off, everyone knows that cash is a good gift. Next, people aren't buying you the "experiences" - the website is keeping the money and giving the cash to you. Finally, the website takes a cut, anywhere generally from 3% to 10%.

NYCMercedes

@knotporscha , adelmanwedding vendor?

NYCMercedes

Why can't you get it through your head that a honeymoon registry or a travel registry is asking for cash AND asking for cash is rude? As @keptinstitches said, you don't get the experience. You just get a reduced amount of money. Also, do I need to be told you like cash? It's the universally loved, one size fits all, easy to select and give, gift. I don't need to be told that and I don't need a "convenient" way of gifting you cash.

OjitosVerdes

Peripherally related question - forgive me if it has been answered already, but I only scanned the info up to this point. Is it not considered a breach of etiquette for the MOB to host the bridal shower? As much as my mom would love to throw another party, she has been very hands off for fear of any input looking like she's running the show - she's afraid it would look gift grabby otherwise. 

KeptInStitches

I think it is a breach of etiquette for an immediate family member of the bride (mom, sister) to host the shower because it looks gift-grabby. That being said, I'd rather see the MOB host the shower than the bride.

[Deleted User]

Technically, it's against etiquette for an immediate family member to host the bridal shower for the reason mentioned by @KeptinStitches. I won't lie, I hosted my sister's bridal shower family and her friends. I paid for it myself and made sure everyone was fed and entertained without too many games. If people thought less of me I don't really care. I wanted my sister to have a nice and relaxing time. She got some very nice gifts, some great recipes to add to her growing cookbook collection and great memories. In my eyes it was worth it.

PetKatSold2011

I can't speak for that specific site.  I had never heard of it and I'd hope someone doing anything would research and make the best choice and value the guest/couple could get. Without the fine print.

The way I see it is when you have a registry a guest still has to use their hard, earned cash to purchase the gift. I know thought goes into the purchase and it's fun to shop (for some) but in the end,  a registry is preselected items that still have a monetary value.  Primarily, I agree, someone should do a gift registry, if that is what they need. It's "traditional" but not sure if I've ever considered it mandatory or rude if done a different way.  I disagree, for some people the thought of contributing to the bride and groom's honeymoon (if that is their request) is being able to add to their experience. If they had enough to go away but not do any excursions...guess where the gift money goes, experience, fun.  If the couple has all household items,  I would still want to give them something.  Registries themselves can be filled with $150 + items...what if I want to give something to the couple and what I can really afford is less than that?  The system isn't perfect.

A couple people have said a shower is to be "showered with gifts" then another person says that having a close family member host the shower may come across as "gift grabby".   Someone else can say that just having a shower at all could seem gift grabby regardless on who throws it.  One etiquette rule didn't apply to Jordan and the shower turned out great. One person rather rebuy things they didn't whole heartedly want/or need in fear of offending someone.  One person may want to be honest and say they registered for a honeymoon...One thing might not work for someone else. Is it right or wrong? Why can't it just be for the common good of the bride (of course within reason). I wanted to understand why this seemed like such a sour topic and learn but it seems there is nothing else but the fact that I should feel offended if someone has registered for something I don't want to gift them or disaprove of.  If it's not an impossible feat why should I get offended.  The couple not inviting someones FI, husband, etc because they disaprove for no reason is rude....saying you have everything but you are trying to save hard for the honeymoon and opted to register there, any little bit counts...sure, I'll put in.

I respect it seems people here are pretty set in their ways. There is a fine line between etiquette and tradition. I consider etiquette when theres good reason.  I don't like those "just because" ones. It's one thing to follow etiquette and another to be judgemental. Whispers like "can you believe her mother is hosting...the audacity!"..Or I already have a toaster oven but you can get me one that is probably more expensive when I have a good one at home in fear of the judgement...Or sure I have everything so please don't get me anything while I put in effort to wine and dine apart from the wedding celebration.  Something seems wrong. I'll learn to agree to disagree and leave this alone since it's like beating a dead horse. lol Good luck to you all again.

P.S. There is an article on the Knot about a Bridal Luncheon, they define it more for just the close bridesmaids...possibly mom. It's supposed to be a treat for them as like a "thank you". A way to bond with them before the wedding. No invitations needed. Not like a Shower where a bigger group is invited nor it being a party. Sometimes this is when their gifts are given. If your mom wanted to gift you this then a Bridal Luncheon it is. I'm sure it will be nice.

ashleyep

JordanF13 said:

Technically, it's against etiquette for an immediate family member to host the bridal shower for the reason mentioned by @KeptinStitches. I won't lie, I hosted my sister's bridal shower family and her friends. I paid for it myself and made sure everyone was fed and entertained without too many games. If people thought less of me I don't really care. I wanted my sister to have a nice and relaxing time. She got some very nice gifts, some great recipes to add to her growing cookbook collection and great memories. In my eyes it was worth it.

Traditionally, you're right that it was against etiquette, but this is one of those things that I think is changing - and I know people say that about all etiquette they don't agree with, but I've heard that it really is okay now.

My sister is my MOH. Her and my mom will be planning most of mine. I have 2 other bridesmaids and one of them lives on the other side of the country and is in no position to be hosting one.

[Deleted User]

@nycmercedes thank you!

darahmw

Not sure if anyone has posted this yet because I didn't scroll through all of the replys but you can register at honeyfund.com. This way your guests can contribute to your honeymoon. They can pay for it through paypal it goes right to your bank account. For older guests that arent tech savvy, they can always give you cash if they do not know how to use it. This way it still in good taste. Hope this helps!

KeptInStitches

Lots of people have posted about what a bad idea honeyfund is. First of all, it's rude to register for cash - it's definitely money-grubbing and everyone already knows it's a good gift. Also, your guests aren't buying you the "experiences," they're just giving you cash - Great-Aunt Ethel didn't buy you a romantic dinner, she gave you $75. Finally, honeyfund takes a cut of the money for themselves, so your guests don't even give you all the money they thought they did.

NYCMercedes

@darahmw I suggest you read the thread to learn why honeyfund is a really poor idea.

RebeccaB88

darahmw said:

Not sure if anyone has posted this yet because I didn't scroll through all of the replys but you can register at honeyfund.com. This way your guests can contribute to your honeymoon. They can pay for it through paypal it goes right to your bank account. For older guests that arent tech savvy, they can always give you cash if they do not know how to use it. This way it still in good taste. Hope this helps!

Had you actually read the thread, you would see that it was posted as well as why it is in very, very poor taste, as well as deceitful.  Try reading before you reply next time.

arrippa

RebeccaB88 said:

darahmw said:

Not sure if anyone has posted this yet because I didn't scroll through all of the replys but you can register at honeyfund.com. This way your guests can contribute to your honeymoon. They can pay for it through paypal it goes right to your bank account. For older guests that arent tech savvy, they can always give you cash if they do not know how to use it. This way it still in good taste. Hope this helps!

Had you actually read the thread, you would see that it was posted as well as why it is in very, very poor taste, as well as deceitful.  Try reading before you reply next time.

I post another website and one of the posting rules is that we have to read the entire thread before posting so we wouldn't keep posting the same bad idea over and over.

lbmarx

I had a coworker that got married and basically had the same dilemma. They decided that the best compromise would be to register for their honeymoon at honeymoon.com.

Guests went online to their registry and there were specific gifts they had registered for. My understanding is that they manually entered personalized details of their upcoming trip for guests to buy for them. The couple received the $$ for these items but the guests felt like they'd actually given them a special and individual part of their honeymoon that they'd always remember. For example, I bought them a candlelit dinner with wine and tapas overlooking the Blue Ridge Mountains. Really, I just paid $75 on the website and brought an inexpensive bottle of wine with a cute note on it for her to "open."

Not exactly a proper etiquette response and some may still find it strange or improper but I always loved how this solution made everyone happy and provided lots to talk about at the shower!

Good luck!!

lbmarx

Sorry I just noticed the other responses about honeymoon registries being rude, to each their own, I think it just depends on the guests.