Angry mom and crazy FMIL... Also BMs???

hollyschaub

I want a super small wedding, my mom is mad because I want my parents, siblings, best friends and my great aunt, great uncle, and grandma. This means nobody from her family, because my grandma died when I was 9 and my great aunt on her side passed away 3 months ago. It's not a personal attack on my mothers family! What can I do? I can't afford a huge wedding, and I don't want my parents to spend $2,000 on a reception, knowing that THEY will only pay for my side to eat, and my fiances family will NOT help- we cannot afford to feed half of the reception. We tallied the guest list up to 110 people PLUS us and we just can't afford to feed 55 people out of our pockets. We don't even *want* a big wedding.

If we have to settle on a big wedding and finances are available, I want my cousins daughter who is 5 to be the flower girl. Now, my FMIL (who is crazy) will not be contributing anything but will expect my fiances stepsister of no blood relation to be the flower girl. He wasn't even invited to his own family's Christmas last year! They gave him a package of TP for a Christmas present. I have met his stepsister once and she is a poorly-behaved BRAT! My fiancé and I both adore my cousin. But FMIL will expect her daughter to be my bridesmaid (noooo way we are not close plus she's only going to be 15 this November) and her stepdaughter to be my flower girl and her stepson to be the ring bearer. What do I do?

Let me clarify this: the last time I saw his family was 3 months ago and (they are very unstable people) his stepdad told me to go get hit by a car (I swear, I did nothing). Last summer his mother invited me over and when the stepfather got home he told my then-bf to get his "whore" off their property (we were swimming with his siblings, for the record... fully covered) and then he punished all the kids (except his own) even though the other 2 had nothing to do with it AND his wife invited me! Two weeks later they invited me to dinner and said that since I was dating their son I was family, then two weeks later I was not allowed at their house. A month later his mother asked him why I never come over. WTF? It's up and down, it's crazy, we don't even want them at the wedding BUT - we want his two siblings there (not the steps) and they can't go unless the mom, stepdad, and stepsibs are invited. Also, we suspect FMIL will burn our house down.

She told my fiancé last month that she dreamed he got me pregnant and we wouldn't let her see the baby, then threatened him that if this happened she would sue for grandparents' rights (as far as I know, that is not a law in the state of Michigan, and thank god because as a future mother I believe it will be my responsibility to keep my children away from insane people with completely unsanitary living conditions, and my fiancé actually agrees with me that they will not see our children).

See that's the lucky thing, out of this insane family came my fiancé, completely sane and convinced not to be anything like the mess his family was all his life. And he doesn't even want them there, but he wants his brother (who will be 17) to be best man, which means his family entirely must be invited even though they've abused him and kicked him out. The only sad thing is that his brother has turned into a completely greedy a-hole and treats my fiancé badly, and also can't exactly sign witness papers. I don't see why he doesn't pick his (our) best friend as BM, but I know I don't exactly have a say in his wedding party.

LASTLY: can't decide on bridesmaids/MOH! My sister and I don't get along so I no longer wish her to be my MOH but just a bridesmaid, but I only have 4 friends really- 2 are male (and are my fiances selected groomsmen) and the 2 females are kinda iffy, like they're there if they are bored or need something, but mostly all I really have is my fiancé, and our best friend (who is male and luckily not a third wheel and spends tons of time with both of us as a couple and individually). Do I bother even having bridesmaids? I could use my two cousins but one is married, i don't know if that really matters though, plus they're on my dads side and my mom will be offended!

Sorry for super long rant, completely freaking out!

NYCMercedes

hollyschaub said:

I want a super small wedding, my mom is mad because I want my parents, siblings, best friends and my great aunt, great uncle, and grandma. This means nobody from her family, because my grandma died when I was 9 and my great aunt on her side passed away 3 months ago. It's not a personal attack on my mothers family! What can I do? I can't afford a huge wedding, and I don't want my parents to spend $2,000 on a reception, knowing that THEY will only pay for my side to eat, and my fiances family will NOT help- we cannot afford to feed half of the reception. We tallied the guest list up to 110 people PLUS us and we just can't afford to feed 55 people out of our pockets. We don't even *want* a big wedding. If we have to settle on a big wedding and finances are available, I want my cousins daughter who is 5 to be the flower girl. Now, my FMIL (who is crazy) will not be contributing anything but will expect my fiances stepsister of no blood relation to be the flower girl. He wasn't even invited to his own family's Christmas last year! They gave him a package of TP for a Christmas present. I have met his stepsister once and she is a poorly-behaved BRAT! My fiancé and I both adore my cousin. But FMIL will expect her daughter to be my bridesmaid (noooo way we are not close plus she's only going to be 15 this November) and her stepdaughter to be my flower girl and her stepson to be the ring bearer. What do I do? Let me clarify this: the last time I saw his family was 3 months ago and (they are very unstable people) his stepdad told me to go get hit by a car (I swear, I did nothing). Last summer his mother invited me over and when the stepfather got home he told my then-bf to get his "whore" off their property (we were swimming with his siblings, for the record... fully covered) and then he punished all the kids (except his own) even though the other 2 had nothing to do with it AND his wife invited me! Two weeks later they invited me to dinner and said that since I was dating their son I was family, then two weeks later I was not allowed at their house. A month later his mother asked him why I never come over. WTF? It's up and down, it's crazy, we don't even want them at the wedding BUT - we want his two siblings there (not the steps) and they can't go unless the mom, stepdad, and stepsibs are invited. Also, we suspect FMIL will burn our house down. She told my fiancé last month that she dreamed he got me pregnant and we wouldn't let her see the baby, then threatened him that if this happened she would sue for grandparents' rights (as far as I know, that is not a law in the state of Michigan, and thank god because as a future mother I believe it will be my responsibility to keep my children away from insane people with completely unsanitary living conditions, and my fiancé actually agrees with me that they will not see our children). See that's the lucky thing, out of this insane family came my fiancé, completely sane and convinced not to be anything like the mess his family was all his life. And he doesn't even want them there, but he wants his brother (who will be 17) to be best man, which means his family entirely must be invited even though they've abused him and kicked him out. The only sad thing is that his brother has turned into a completely greedy a-hole and treats my fiancé badly, and also can't exactly sign witness papers. I don't see why he doesn't pick his (our) best friend as BM, but I know I don't exactly have a say in his wedding party. LASTLY: can't decide on bridesmaids/MOH! My sister and I don't get along so I no longer wish her to be my MOH but just a bridesmaid, but I only have 4 friends really- 2 are male (and are my fiances selected groomsmen) and the 2 females are kinda iffy, like they're there if they are bored or need something, but mostly all I really have is my fiancé, and our best friend (who is male and luckily not a third wheel and spends tons of time with both of us as a couple and individually). Do I bother even having bridesmaids? I could use my two cousins but one is married, i don't know if that really matters though, plus they're on my dads side and my mom will be offended! Sorry for super long rant, completely freaking out!

You don't have to have any bridesmaids.

bethsmiles

You don't have to have any BMs or a MOH. You don't have to ask your sister to be a BM and I would really advise against it if you don't get along. It won't make you closer and it will end up being more drama and headaches than it's worth.

As for all the other stuff - Personally, I'd elope.

southernbelle0915

hollyschaub said:

I want a super small wedding, my mom is mad because I want my parents, siblings, best friends and my great aunt, great uncle, and grandma. This means nobody from her family, because my grandma died when I was 9 and my great aunt on her side passed away 3 months ago. It's not a personal attack on my mothers family! What can I do? I can't afford a huge wedding, and I don't want my parents to spend $2,000 on a reception, knowing that THEY will only pay for my side to eat, and my fiances family will NOT help- we cannot afford to feed half of the reception. We tallied the guest list up to 110 people PLUS us and we just can't afford to feed 55 people out of our pockets. We don't even *want* a big wedding. 110 people is not super small.

If we have to settle on a big wedding and finances are available, I want my cousins daughter who is 5 to be the flower girl. Now, my FMIL (who is crazy) will not be contributing anything but will expect my fiances stepsister of no blood relation to be the flower girl. Not happening. You don't have to feel pressured to include this person in your wedding party. Let your cousin's daughter be FG if that's what you want and let it go. He wasn't even invited to his own family's Christmas last year! They gave him a package of TP for a Christmas present. I have met his stepsister once and she is a poorly-behaved BRAT! My fiancé and I both adore my cousin. But FMIL will expect her daughter to be my bridesmaid (noooo way we are not close plus she's only going to be 15 this November) and her stepdaughter to be my flower girl and her stepson to be the ring bearer. What do I do? When they bring it up, you tell them what has been decided and you change the subject. There's nothing to "discuss" - the decision as been made and these people aren't included. Period.

Let me clarify this: the last time I saw his family was 3 months ago and (they are very unstable people) his stepdad told me to go get hit by a car (I swear, I did nothing). Last summer his mother invited me over and when the stepfather got home he told my then-bf to get his "whore" off their property (we were swimming with his siblings, for the record... fully covered) and then he punished all the kids (except his own) even though the other 2 had nothing to do with it AND his wife invited me! Two weeks later they invited me to dinner and said that since I was dating their son I was family, then two weeks later I was not allowed at their house. A month later his mother asked him why I never come over. WTF? It's up and down, it's crazy, we don't even want them at the wedding BUT - we want his two siblings there (not the steps) and they can't go unless the mom, stepdad, and stepsibs are invited. Also, we suspect FMIL will burn our house down. This is too much crazy for one paragraph.

She told my fiancé last month that she dreamed he got me pregnant and we wouldn't let her see the baby, then threatened him that if this happened she would sue for grandparents' rights (as far as I know, that is not a law in the state of Michigan, and thank god because as a future mother I believe it will be my responsibility to keep my children away from insane people with completely unsanitary living conditions, and my fiancé actually agrees with me that they will not see our children). There is no such thing as "grandparents' rights" in Michigan unless there's a custody dispute, CPS involvement, or other legal challenge. It's not all encompassing, but see this link. I would start documenting their craziness in case they ever bring something stupid - in which case you can clearly show that if anything, their rights should be restricted. I would never leave my child alone with these people. Ever. 

See that's the lucky thing, out of this insane family came my fiancé, completely sane and convinced not to be anything like the mess his family was all his life. And he doesn't even want them there, but he wants his brother (who will be 17) to be best man, which means his family entirely must be invited even though they've abused him and kicked him out. You can invite whoever you want. The only sad thing is that his brother has turned into a completely greedy a-hole and treats my fiancé badly, and also can't exactly sign witness papers. Anyone can sign witness papers. I don't see why he doesn't pick his (our) best friend as BM, but I know I don't exactly have a say in his wedding party. That's correct, his BM is his choice alone.

LASTLY: can't decide on bridesmaids/MOH! My sister and I don't get along so I no longer wish her to be my MOH but just a bridesmaid, but I only have 4 friends really- 2 are male (and are my fiances selected groomsmen) and the 2 females are kinda iffy, like they're there if they are bored or need something, but mostly all I really have is my fiancé, and our best friend (who is male and luckily not a third wheel and spends tons of time with both of us as a couple and individually). Do I bother even having bridesmaids? I could use my two cousins but one is married, i don't know if that really matters though, It doesn't. plus they're on my dads side and my mom will be offended! Her problem - not yours. Why would you ask your sister to be a BM if you don't get along? You don't need to have BMs at all.

Sorry for super long rant, completely freaking out!

I would strongly urge you to consider eloping. It sounds like things are dysfunctional on both sides and it's causing you extreme anxiety. It's not worth it. If budget is also a concern, all the more reason to have just the two of you. There's no "requirement" to have a big affair. Just go down to JOP and go out to dinner together. That sounds like it would save you money and a TON of craziness.

ETA: Spelling

hollyschaub

bethsmiles said:

You don't have to have any BMs or a MOH. You don't have to ask your sister to be a BM and I would really advise against it if you don't get along. It won't make you closer and it will end up being more drama and headaches than it's worth.

As for all the other stuff - Personally, I'd elope.

Yeah, I know that seems like a good idea on the one side but to be fair my family has been wonderful - mostly. My parents let him spend a few nights at their home when his parents kicked him out and he was getting a new place to stay (almost a year ago now), and he spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family and half of Easter. We spent some of Easter with his family because for a hot second they liked me, but every holiday has been spent with me, my family, he attended our family reunion and just 'bout everyone loved him! I feel terrible at the thought of making my family miss out on our big day for problems caused by HIS family. My mom and I talked about it after I posted though, and she reminded me that we don't have to invite someone we really don't get along with, IF he and I both agree.

My only concern is that, while that is going to knock 80% of his family outta the wedding, he will turn that on me and say that we can't invite my aunt... Because she's kinda awful but she also is someone I spent a lot of time with as a child and would like to extend her the opportunity to go, even though there's bad blood between her and my mother, and my mother agrees she should be given an invitation but may not show up.

hollyschaub

I kinda wish my fiancé would drop the whole 17-year-old brother as a best man thing, and we'd just split our two best friends and have 1 guy on each side of us... But I know I only have some say in the wedding party and that is not something I can change.

RebeccaB88

Elope.  Or just take your parents with you as witnesses.

allispain

What does your FI want to do about inviting his family members? I know he wants his brother as his BM, but have you actually talked to him at all about who else he wants there?

HisGirlFriday13

Elope. Just get a marriage license, go to the MDJ, and get married. There is no amount of alcohol in the world that can handle that level of crazy. 

Cut off relationships with all of the people in this drama who are making you crazy -- and do it like, yesterday. 

svc2014

southernbelle0915 said:

hollyschaub said:

I want a super small wedding, my mom is mad because I want my parents, siblings, best friends and my great aunt, great uncle, and grandma. This means nobody from her family, because my grandma died when I was 9 and my great aunt on her side passed away 3 months ago. It's not a personal attack on my mothers family! What can I do? I can't afford a huge wedding, and I don't want my parents to spend $2,000 on a reception, knowing that THEY will only pay for my side to eat, and my fiances family will NOT help- we cannot afford to feed half of the reception. We tallied the guest list up to 110 people PLUS us and we just can't afford to feed 55 people out of our pockets. We don't even *want* a big wedding. 110 people is not super small.

If we have to settle on a big wedding and finances are available, I want my cousins daughter who is 5 to be the flower girl. Now, my FMIL (who is crazy) will not be contributing anything but will expect my fiances stepsister of no blood relation to be the flower girl. Not happening. You don't have to feel pressured to include this person in your wedding party. Let your cousin's daughter be FG if that's what you want and let it go. He wasn't even invited to his own family's Christmas last year! They gave him a package of TP for a Christmas present. I have met his stepsister once and she is a poorly-behaved BRAT! My fiancé and I both adore my cousin. But FMIL will expect her daughter to be my bridesmaid (noooo way we are not close plus she's only going to be 15 this November) and her stepdaughter to be my flower girl and her stepson to be the ring bearer. What do I do? When they bring it up, you tell them what has been decided and you change the subject. There's nothing to "discuss" - the decision as been made and these people aren't included. Period.

Let me clarify this: the last time I saw his family was 3 months ago and (they are very unstable people) his stepdad told me to go get hit by a car (I swear, I did nothing). Last summer his mother invited me over and when the stepfather got home he told my then-bf to get his "whore" off their property (we were swimming with his siblings, for the record... fully covered) and then he punished all the kids (except his own) even though the other 2 had nothing to do with it AND his wife invited me! Two weeks later they invited me to dinner and said that since I was dating their son I was family, then two weeks later I was not allowed at their house. A month later his mother asked him why I never come over. WTF? It's up and down, it's crazy, we don't even want them at the wedding BUT - we want his two siblings there (not the steps) and they can't go unless the mom, stepdad, and stepsibs are invited. Also, we suspect FMIL will burn our house down. This is too much crazy for one paragraph.

She told my fiancé last month that she dreamed he got me pregnant and we wouldn't let her see the baby, then threatened him that if this happened she would sue for grandparents' rights (as far as I know, that is not a law in the state of Michigan, and thank god because as a future mother I believe it will be my responsibility to keep my children away from insane people with completely unsanitary living conditions, and my fiancé actually agrees with me that they will not see our children). There is no such thing as "grandparents' rights" in Michigan unless there's a custody dispute, CPS involvement, or other legal challenge. It's not all encompassing, but see this link. I would start documenting their craziness in case they ever bring something stupid - in which case you can clearly show that if anything, their rights should be restricted. I would never leave my child alone with these people. Ever. 

See that's the lucky thing, out of this insane family came my fiancé, completely sane and convinced not to be anything like the mess his family was all his life. And he doesn't even want them there, but he wants his brother (who will be 17) to be best man, which means his family entirely must be invited even though they've abused him and kicked him out. You can invite whoever you want. The only sad thing is that his brother has turned into a completely greedy a-hole and treats my fiancé badly, and also can't exactly sign witness papers. Anyone can sign witness papers. I don't see why he doesn't pick his (our) best friend as BM, but I know I don't exactly have a say in his wedding party. That's correct, his BM is his choice alone.

LASTLY: can't decide on bridesmaids/MOH! My sister and I don't get along so I no longer wish her to be my MOH but just a bridesmaid, but I only have 4 friends really- 2 are male (and are my fiances selected groomsmen) and the 2 females are kinda iffy, like they're there if they are bored or need something, but mostly all I really have is my fiancé, and our best friend (who is male and luckily not a third wheel and spends tons of time with both of us as a couple and individually). Do I bother even having bridesmaids? I could use my two cousins but one is married, i don't know if that really matters though, It doesn't. plus they're on my dads side and my mom will be offended! Her problem - not yours. Why would you ask your sister to be a BM if you don't get along? You don't need to have BMs at all.

Sorry for super long rant, completely freaking out!

I would strongly urge you to consider eloping. It sounds like things are dysfunctional on both sides and it's causing you extreme anxiety. It's not worth it. If budget is also a concern, all the more reason to have just the two of you. There's no "requirement" to have a big affair. Just go down to JOP and go out to dinner together. That sounds like it would save you money and a TON of craziness.

ETA: Spelling

THIS!
Agreed!! Elope!!

OliveOilsMom

hollyschaub said:

You don't have to have any BMs or a MOH. You don't have to ask your sister to be a BM and I would really advise against it if you don't get along. It won't make you closer and it will end up being more drama and headaches than it's worth.

As for all the other stuff - Personally, I'd elope.

Yeah, I know that seems like a good idea on the one side but to be fair my family has been wonderful - mostly. My parents let him spend a few nights at their home when his parents kicked him out and he was getting a new place to stay (almost a year ago now), and he spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family and half of Easter. We spent some of Easter with his family because for a hot second they liked me, but every holiday has been spent with me, my family, he attended our family reunion and just 'bout everyone loved him! I feel terrible at the thought of making my family miss out on our big day for problems caused by HIS family. My mom and I talked about it after I posted though, and she reminded me that we don't have to invite someone we really don't get along with, IF he and I both agree. My only concern is that, while that is going to knock 80% of his family outta the wedding, he will turn that on me and say that we can't invite my aunt... Because she's kinda awful but she also is someone I spent a lot of time with as a child and would like to extend her the opportunity to go, even though there's bad blood between her and my mother, and my mother agrees she should be given an invitation but may not show up.

hollyschaub said:

I kinda wish my fiancé would drop the whole 17-year-old brother as a best man thing, and we'd just split our two best friends and have 1 guy on each side of us... But I know I only have some say in the wedding party and that is not something I can change.

You said yourself that you can't worry about his side of the BP, so don't, if he wants his brother as BM, he wants his brother.

I think your FI needs to see someone with finding out ways to either deal with his family as they are or to help him realize he needs to distance himself from them permanently.  Those people are very toxic and I honestly don't know why he would go back to see them anyway.

Cynthiajt1

Elope! Or have the wedding you want! If his crazy family wants to dictate what happens tell his parents to open up their checkbook and pay for the reception. If you and your parents are paying then the crazys have no say.