Money for honeymoon instead of gifts. Anyone know how to go about this?

Nicmorrison14

My Fiance and I did some research when we found out we can ask our guests to give us money for the honeymoon instead of buying us gifts. We decided to go this route since we already live together and are not "fine china" kind of people. Does anyone know exactly how to go about this? Do we ask people to do this for the bridal shower since if they give it for the wedding it will be a little too late? And if they give us money at the bridal shower, are they expected to also give a gift for the wedding? If anyone knows, we would greatly appreciate it!

MayDay513

Nicmorrison14 said:

My Fiance and I did some research when we found out we can ask our guests to give us money for the honeymoon instead of buying us gifts. We decided to go this route since we already live together and are not "fine china" kind of people. Does anyone know exactly how to go about this? Do we ask people to do this for the bridal shower since if they give it for the wedding it will be a little too late? And if they give us money at the bridal shower, are they expected to also give a gift for the wedding? If anyone knows, we would greatly appreciate it!

Do not ask for money. Skip the shower if you don't want physical gifts. Don't register and people will get the hint. If you want to go on a trip after your wedding, I would suggest planning something you can afford. If not, I would wait to plan the trip post wedding once you have the gifts in hand. Do not use Honeyfund. Do not ask for cash.

Asking for cash in any form is rude. If people ask where you are registered, simply say we are not registering we are just saving for our honeymoon. They will get the hint.

Nicmorrison14

I understand asking for money is rude, I agree! However this is throught Apple Vacations. They gave us little cards saying something like in lieu of gifts, the couple would appreciate a donation for their dream honeymoon. Apparently it's what everyone is doing these days?

 

We aren't against gifts, we will appreciate anything we get, we just don't really need anything we don't already have.

Maggie0829

You never ask for money.  Period.

You should plan and pay for a HM that you and your FI can afford right now.  For your wedding only make a small registry if you make one at all.  When you don't have a registry or just have a very small one people will get the hint that you want cash.  Also, if you don't make a registry you should really forgo any showers because the whole point of a shower is to shower you with actual gifts, not money.

MayDay513

Nicmorrison14 said:

I understand asking for money is rude, I agree! However this is throught Apple Vacations. They gave us little cards saying something like in lieu of gifts, the couple would appreciate a donation for their dream honeymoon. Apparently it's what everyone is doing these days?

 

We aren't against gifts, we will appreciate anything we get, we just don't really need anything we don't already have.

I am not trying to be harsh. But don't treat your wedding like a charity case. You do not need to solicit donations for your wedding.

I recommend 1. Plan a small honeymoon you can afford. and 2. Do a large trip after wedding money has been deposited.

If I were your guest, I would be turned off for a donation/contribution to your honeymoon. I would be more inclined to just write you a "gift check" directly, if I knew thats what you really want, without your solicitation or advertisement. Not to mention some of these sites to a cut of what your guests contribute.

I know a lot of people are worried about getting the word out, but honestly news travels fast, and if you keep your registry small or non existent people will get the hint.

Decide what works best for you, but this is my advice. 

Nicmorrison14

I appreciate your adivce. We are not a charity case, nor do we want to be portrayed that way . We can afford the honeymoon we want, but after going to a friends wedding where they did this, it seemed like a good idea. I was unable to go to her bridal shower which is why I was unsure about this whole process. I personally was not put off by the idea because I would rather give someone what they would like, instead of something I think they would want. Perhaps you are right though, maybe I will skip the bridal shower (though my mother will have a heart attack!)

Maggie0829

Nicmorrison14 said:

I appreciate your adivce. We are not a charity case, nor do we want to be portrayed that way . We can afford the honeymoon we want, but after going to a friends wedding where they did this, it seemed like a good idea. I was unable to go to her bridal shower which is why I was unsure about this whole process. I personally was not put off by the idea because I would rather give someone what they would like, instead of something I think they would want. Perhaps you are right though, maybe I will skip the bridal shower (though my mother will have a heart attack!)

Just remember that just because you weren't put off by it doesn't mean that others weren't.  And money is always liked so that is always an option as a present that 99% of people know is acceptable and do not need to be told about (there is always a few that prefer to give boxed gifts).

When and/or if people ask you where you are registered you can politely say that you aren't registered anywhere and that you and FI are saving up for a HM or whatever else you want to save up for.  This will basically tell the person that you are wanting money, but coming right out and say "We want money to pay for our HM" just sounds bad.

As for your Mom, if she really wants you to have a shower then just make a small registry of items that you want to upgrade.  Honestly, everyone could use new towels or sheets or a stand mixer or whatever.  I am sure there are things that you say "oh, I wouldn't mind having that."  And then just make sure that the guest list you provide is small (15 or less people).  That way you get some upgrades and your Mom won't have a heart attack.  But then again, there is nothing wrong with telling your Mom no, she will get over it eventually.

Cokezerofreak

I think the whole money thing is cultural.  On my dad's side of the family all the gifts they give is money.  On my mom's they give gifts.  That Newlywed show that was just on had the Greek couple who were expecting cash because it was the "custom."  They even called someone out for not giving the amount they thought they should (on TV!). 

In my opinion, if someone wants to give you cash they will, if not they'll give you a gift.  Just don't advertise what you want unless specifically asked.

A co-worker received an invitation to a wedding where it specifically said they wanted gift cards or cash.  I forgot how they worded it but I was shocked!  My office joked for about a week that I should use that wording...

Nicmorrison14

Haha oh my! Yeah, I'm thinking we just won't register for much. The only thing we both really want is a food processor. We are fortunate enough to be able to buy most of what we want (which we are incredibly thankful for) but we are also big savers. I guess we will just keep our mouths closed and see what happens!

KatWAG

Nicmorrison14 said:

My Fiance and I did some research when we found out we can ask our guests to give us money for the honeymoon instead of buying us gifts. We decided to go this route since we already live together and are not "fine china" kind of people. Does anyone know exactly how to go about this? Do we ask people to do this for the bridal shower since if they give it for the wedding it will be a little too late? And if they give us money at the bridal shower, are they expected to also give a gift for the wedding? If anyone knows, we would greatly appreciate it!

I am sorry but your whole post sounds gift-grabby to me. You shouldnt "expect" anything. Gifts are never required.

MayDay513

Nicmorrison14 said:

Haha oh my! Yeah, I'm thinking we just won't register for much. The only thing we both really want is a food processor. We are fortunate enough to be able to buy most of what we want (which we are incredibly thankful for) but we are also big savers. I guess we will just keep our mouths closed and see what happens!

Yay! After all the additional info. I would say do a small registry. Have your shower. Then if people ask where you are registered you can tell them or if you are saving for HM.

I agree with @cokezerofreak all families are different. My family is always cash or check, including one of my showers where my aunt "ran out of time" and gave us $100. DH's family is more physical boxed gifts. It just depends.

Nicmorrison14

Thanks All!

Nicmorrison14

As for katWAG, while I appreciate your input, that is not my intention. I'm not expecting anything, I was simply asking are they expected to? I personally would think that it is too much to do both and like I said before, we will be happy with anything we receive.

Maggie0829

Nicmorrison14 said:

As for katWAG, while I appreciate your input, that is not my intention. I'm not expecting anything, I was simply asking are they expected to? I personally would think that it is too much to do both and like I said before, we will be happy with anything we receive.

That is why I am in the small shower boat.  I mainly wanted a shower because it was going to be fun hanging out with my close family and friends for a few hours.  But I think showers where 30 or more people are invited just seem gift grabby to me.  I understand that some people have large families or a lot of friends but I am just not a fan of big showers, especially since they are gift giving events.  So I understand your feelings on "double dipping".

Nicmorrison14

I agree! I do have a huge family (dad is one of 9 and mom is one of 5) so unfortunately if I do decide to have a shower, it will be a big one. My Fiance's family is smaller. Everyone that is close to us knows that we are not a materialistic couple, and we work hard for what we have, but to others who may not know us as well, I can see where people would be like why are SO many people here. It's a catch 22 I suppose.

Maggie0829

@Nicmorrison14 - if you do have a shower you could always just limit the guest list to bridal party and family members.  If you do that it isn't like your family will be questioning why so many people are there since they will all know each other.

Kristen625

Okay I skimmed though what people were saying, and I just finished putting up a honeymoon registry for me and my FI.  We live together, and like the PP we are not fine china people.  We just used Travelersjoy.com (which theknot has some kind of link thing with) to put it together.  My older brother and SIL did this, and I thought it was a wonderful thing.  I don't want gifts I will have to return because we already have a toaster and everything else.  We will probably do a secondary small registry where we will put down a few household items so people who are die-hard gift givers can have the option of giving us an actual gift if they are so inclined.  But I just got done chatting with my SIL and she said they were able to get enough money that way for their honeymoon.  Honestly I think some of the ladies on this board are making too big of a deal about this whole honeymoon registry then it needs to be.  I think it is a new trend and I find it to be fun and different.  OP, if you would like feel free to PM me if you have any questions about the set up.  It was very easy to do and it walks you through it very well.

Maggie0829

Kristen625 said:

Okay I skimmed though what people were saying, and I just finished putting up a honeymoon registry for me and my FI.  We live together, and like the PP we are not fine china people.  We just used Travelersjoy.com (which theknot has some kind of link thing with) to put it together.  My older brother and SIL did this, and I thought it was a wonderful thing.  I don't want gifts I will have to return because we already have a toaster and everything else.  We will probably do a secondary small registry where we will put down a few household items so people who are die-hard gift givers can have the option of giving us an actual gift if they are so inclined.  But I just got done chatting with my SIL and she said they were able to get enough money that way for their honeymoon.  Honestly I think some of the ladies on this board are making too big of a deal about this whole honeymoon registry then it needs to be.  I think it is a new trend and I find it to be fun and different.  OP, if you would like feel free to PM me if you have any questions about the set up.  It was very easy to do and it walks you through it very well.

But A HM registry is asking your guests for money, which is rude.  Those items that you registered for, like a couples massage or a romantic dinner on the beach or swimming with the dolphins, well you really don't get those items.  What you get is a check, minus a fee for the website, in the mail. So you are basically deceiving your guests.  Your guests think they are purchasing you a wonderful excursion, but in reality their $100 gift turns into a $93 check.  Nothing gets booked by the HM registry website.  So you could turn around and use the money for the excursion it was bought for or you could pocket it and use it for something else.  And wouldn't you rather get the full $100 in a card from your guest rather then have some of your gift taken away from you from the website?  Also, you should never count on your guests to buy enough of those items to pay for your HM. 

Jells2dot0

I've said it once, I'll say it again. I really do NOT understand how so many brides on here can't possibly think of any traditional, tangible items to place on a registry. Between myself and my DH, who had been loving together for 6 years prior to getting married, we have owned 6 homes since 1989. that doesn't include any rentals either of us have had for corporate relocations. That being said, I can think of many items that I would like or need that I can place on a registry right this second if I had to create one. I understand that not everyone needs a lot of things, especially if you have just moved into a new place, but if you think long and hard, there are things that are probably a good idea to have, upgrade, or just things you have always wanted but never wanted to spend the money on. There are some people who will just flat out never give money, so having a small traditional registry almost ensures you will get something you need or want from those people, and for those who like to give money, they will do that anyway regardless of what is on your registry. Those who may look for a gift but don't care either way will see you don't have much left on your registry and will opt to give cash. Besides that, you aren't even chancing that anyone would get offended. Again, no matter what, you will always have people who will never give cash, you'll have some people that are traditional and will be offended by a non-traditional registry, so why not get gifts you want AND get the full amount of a person's gift if they do give you cash?

 

ETA- spelling and grammar.

Maggie0829

@Jells2dot0

RedJacks25

Yes, asking for money is tacky. Yes, honeymoon registries are tacky.

But I do have to commend the OP for having such maturity in her responses. Most everybody who comes to the boards with this idea, as soon as they get told it's a bad idea, they throw fits and become instant crazy entitled wenches. I think OP has conducted herself very amiably, and I respect that.

NYCMercedes

" Besides that, you aren't even chancing that anyone would get offended. " by Jells is spot on!

Jells2dot0

RedJacks25 said:

Yes, asking for money is tacky. Yes, honeymoon registries are tacky.

But I do have to commend the OP for having such maturity in her responses. Most everybody who comes to the boards with this idea, as soon as they get told it's a bad idea, they throw fits and become instant crazy entitled wenches. I think OP has conducted herself very amiably, and I respect that.

Agreed. My post was NOT directed specifically to her but rather in a general sense. It's good to see posters with open minds.

Pepper6

We were in a similar situation, so here's what we did:  We made a very small registry with Amazon and BB&B because I know some people like to give physical gifts no matter what.  However, because it was so small, I declined a shower since it would be inappropriate due to the fact that I only had about 20 items for what would have been a guest list of around 60.

I did also create a very small HM registry, but that was solely at the request of a few family members, even after explaining that it's just cash (we did the option where they just printed a 'voucher' for the activity and wrote us a check).  I have no idea why these few people were so adamant about wanting to do it that way, but it was easy enough to do and made them happy, so whatever.  We did not inform any of our other guests about this registry though.

What ended up happening was that we received a few physical gifts from our registry, an even smaller amount of physical gifts that people selected on their own, but the majority was cash/checks/giftcards.  Since we left for our HM the day after our wedding, we took any cash we received with us and deposited the checks when we got home.  

sganister

My stepbrother used something called the "honeyfund" for people to donate money towards their honeymoon.  Honeyfund takes a percentage of the donations, but maybe it's a way to let people contribute to something more tangible then just giving you cash.

Maggie0829

My stepbrother used something called the "honeyfund" for people to donate money towards their honeymoon.  Honeyfund takes a percentage of the donations, but maybe it's a way to let people contribute to something more tangible then just giving you cash.

How is "purchasing" an excursion through a website that turns around and takes a portion of that gift and then sends the couple a check for the amount minus the fees any more tangible then the guest just handing the cash/check to the couple in a card at the wedding?

Jells2dot0

The problem is that they AREN'T contributing to something tangible. They are led to think that they are, but really the company just cuts the couple a check for the amount donated, minus any fees. I have seen a few hotel chains start HM registries and the money goes direct to the hotel, who then arranges the massage, dinner, excursion, etc. That is closer to a traditional registry than Honeyfund.

 

ETA: spelling

Nicmorrison14

Ladies, Ladies let's all take a breath! I wanted opinions and I got them (thank you). I certainly don't want anyone arguing over this Each one of you has a pretty valid point, let's agree to disagree with each other.

NYCMercedes

I cannot agree with you. Asking others for money is wrong.

Nicmorrison14

As I said before, I decided on doing a small registry. Let's remember, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It is wrong in your opinion, but not in everyones. Let's be respectful of others.

MayDay513

@nicmorrison14 - It's not a lack of respect that the brides/posters here have a problem with. Its when brides choose to be rude and disrespectful to their guests who are essentially family and friends.

Asking for cash for your wedding is rude, expecting a gift is rude, cash bars are rude, dollar dances are rude. They are rude because you are ASKING your guests to open their wallets and pull out cash. Regardless, of social circle, location, "oh my friend did it once" it's still rude.

I am really happy you found a happy medium with a small registry. I hope you stick around, you seem to be very grateful for what you have. The advice here is sound sometimes blunt, but sound , and meant to help you be the most courteous, thoughtful, caring bride and host you can be.