living together- will my priest be mad??

ginny814

Hey ladies!!  I'm Catholic (FI is not) and we're getting married in a Catholic church and are beginning all this pre-cana stuff.

We're in DC; FI's roommate is graduating and his lease is up at the end of June.  Since it is nearly impossible to live in DC on your own because it's soo expensive, we felt it was best to live together to save money.  I currently live in a house with 3 girls (all grad students) and I've been getting frustrated with my living situation so moving in with FI is definitely the right thing to do financially and mentally!  Plus, if I stay in my house, I would have to break my lease when we get married next April, or pay double rent until the lease is up in July (my landlord wants to house grad students; finding a grad student to take over my room in April is near-impossible).  I told my roommates that I will be moving out this summer and we will soon begin our search for someone to take over my room.

We've met with my priest a few times, and he has different contact information down for each of us (because at this time we are living in different places).  We have a few more meetings with him obviously before the wedding- should I tell him that we're going to move in together?? Or should I keep this hush-hush?  I've heard rumors from some brides that some priests will refuse to marry anyone that is living together before marriage.  I know it's a Catholic rule that every couple should wait til marriage to move in together, but we're practically living together now anyways (we sleep at eachother's place every night), and I know FI is a good roomie haha.  My parents are okay with it because they know we will be saving a lot of money.  

How many of you Catholic brides are living with your FIs?  Am I freaking out over nothing? lol.

HoneySpider

We were married Catholic and lived together before we were even engaged. Our priest didn't care, I don't think it even occured to me that it might be a problem.

amy727

It depends on the church.  My church did not care, although my friend's priest told her that if they lived together before marriage he would not marry them.  My friend just gave her mother's address instead. 

dbpsu18

We are meeting with our priest in a few weeks and im guessing this topic will come up. DF and I are both catholic, and are members of the church that we are getting married at. The church has only one address for us on record so they probably could infer that we are living together.

i'm hoping that the topic doesn't come up but if it does, we'll tell the priest that we understand the catholic faiths view on living together before marriage and the reasons for their view and that we considered these before making our decision. Hopefully we'd be able to leave it at that!

lilkim444

I felt the same way when we were going to meet with our priest for the first time.   He ended up just telling us that my fiance should sleep in another room for a little before the wedding.  We agreed and he was fine.  He made some kind of comment saying that he wouldn't be driving 5 hours to come and check on us.  Ever since that meeting, he has never brought it up again. 

ginny814

Yeah.. I'm thinking about just keeping my old address on file when we move.  FI will change his and I'll keep mine at the house where my old roomies will be living.

However- since we're living out of state, my priest said that after we do the FOCCUS thing back home (which will be before we move in together), that we can finish our pre-cana stuff here in DC... and he'll just sign off on it.  So the place we do it here will probably have no communication with my church back home; we'll just need a certificate of some sort that says we completed the class/conference.. so hopefully it won't even come up!!

ros3392

We were terrified of this as well. Our priest actually talked to both of us individually where he asked for our address. I spoke to him first and gave our address and figured he would figure it out when DH gave him the same one. Thankfully, DH gave his mom's address (where he still receives a lot of his mail) so we avoided that conversation and he never asked us.

I wouldn't offer the information up unless he asks. I don't think our priest would have refused to marry us since I know him very well, but I would imagine that we would have received a long lecture.

jmbahr

My fiance and I just finished up our pre-marriage counseling.  We had to have the counseling in Alaska (where we live together).  Although we got a minor guilt trip from the Sister who did it, she was really cool about it.  She said that the church reconizes financial needs of the modern day.  Plus, it's just a reality of today.  I would be honest about it.  We had to take a test that focused on what you go through when you do live together.  There was another one for couples who didn't. 
And the Mosigner who is marrying us knows.  He just hasn't made an issue of it.
I was terrified to tell the Nun and the Priest, but my Fiance wanted to be honest and it has worked out great for us.

laurlaur414

It really does depend on the priest. Some do have a policy that they won't marry couples who are living together, but many do not follow that strict policy. It's a frightening discussion for Catholic brides and grooms to think about, and I actually had to go through it twice (once with the priest at my Church where I live outside of Pittsburgh because he's doing all of our paperwork and once with the priest who is marrying us in Pittsburgh). We just talked about the reasons behind the Church's belief on the issue and our acknowledgment of it and that was that.

My advice: be honest and see what happens. In the end you'll feel better knowing you didn't have to hide anything or tread on eggshells to make sure the truth doesn't come out at some point accidentally.

ginny814

Ugh.. yeah, I have a guilty conscious so I probably just will mention that under the circumstances we will be facing, that we may have to move in together, and see what he says..  

Anne326

If he asks, tell the truth. You do not want to start your marriage with a lie. Hopefully he will not ask (ours did not). But if he does, be truthful and explain the circumstances.

Flowerstar1023

I'd say if you are okay with it and your parents are okay with it, why worry about a third party's opinion of the matter. You can always find someone else to marry you who isn't going to judge you for going against standard church doctrine that isnt going to hurt anyone. You're not commiting infidelity, lying, etc. I feel like there's enough stress in the time leading up to marriage.

carcrashheart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-pittsburgh_living-together-will-priest-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:116Discussion:c9dda651-0091-43fa-9d6a-7247df393f9cPost:a4282c37-6b1b-4c3f-9670-53a7d47caed7">Re: living together- will my priest be mad??</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd say if you are okay with it and your parents are okay with it, why worry about a third party's opinion of the matter. You can always find someone else to marry you who isn't going to judge you for going against standard church doctrine that isnt going to hurt anyone. You're not commiting infidelity, lying, etc. I feel like there's enough stress in the time leading up to marriage.
Posted by Flowerstar1023[/QUOTE]

{Golf Clap} You said it perfectly. Stop letting someone/something else make you feel guilty for your decisions. If you stand by them, then stand up for them, no matter what they are.

elizajane519

I often wonder who the people are who lie to priests in order to get married in a Catholic church.  It's a really important day in your life, do you want to start it off with a lie?  Stand in front of your family and friends and lie?  I don't understand this.  Either you are Catholic or you aren't.  There are rules, you aren't following them.  You are living in mortal sin if you are haviing sex with your fiance before you are married. You shoud definitely compound your sin by lying to a priest about it..  
Nevermind, churches are pretty.
By the way, I don't care what you do or the state of your soul but I hate hypocrites. People who don't step foot in a church until it is Christmas or Easter or they want to get married with some stained glass in the background.

shochend

We recently completed our pre-cana classes and the majority of the couples there (27 total) lived together. A number of the couples even had children together. There was no judgement on the part of the priests or nuns that conducted the classes. They focussed more on the importance of a strong marriage. I think that the karma issue about lying to a priest might be a lot worse than a 5 minute lecture on the sanctity of marriage, which you are going to get in one shape or another, anyhow. Just be honest, it will all work out! :-)