UNRULY Matron of Honor!!!

saseblon73

HELP!!!  I have a friend that I made my matron of honor.  Since then, she is a BEAR to deal with!  Long story short, she thinks she needs to "plan" the wedding with me and go with me to everything I do for the wedding (even simple shoe shopping)!  All of my girls get along (there are 7 total) except she really has an issue with ONE of the bridesmaids.  It has made everything we all do together a nightmare!  Dress shopping was such an ordeal that I ended up going with 3 of my girls to pick out a dress for everyone and not telling her because of her attitude the two times before!  I just celebrated my 40th birthday and one of the girls left my party because of her and her attitude!  I made another friend my Maid of Honor to help buffer this stuff, but now I have two saying they are thinking of backing out because of the Matron of Honor!  What in the WORLD can I do at this point and what exactly are the dang Matron of Honor's duties exactly???  Thanks for the help and sorry about the yelling...I am just tired of the stress and my hair falling out from the stress!

KeptInStitches

You can tell your MOH that she doesn't need to help you plan, that you have everything in hand. If there's something you'd like help with, it sounds like she'd be willing to help you out. The MOH and BMs all have the same duties: get the dress, show up on time and sober, and smile in the pictures. It might be best to not try to force them all to be together and get along. As far as the other BMs are concerned, you can tell them to just ignore her.

MayDay513

saseblon73 said:

HELP!!!  I have a friend that I made my matron of honor.  Since then, she is a BEAR to deal with!  Long story short, she thinks she needs to "plan" the wedding with me and go with me to everything I do for the wedding (even simple shoe shopping)!  All of my girls get along (there are 7 total) except she really has an issue with ONE of the bridesmaids.  It has made everything we all do together a nightmare!  Dress shopping was such an ordeal that I ended up going with 3 of my girls to pick out a dress for everyone and not telling her because of her attitude the two times before!  I just celebrated my 40th birthday and one of the girls left my party because of her and her attitude!  I made another friend my Maid of Honor to help buffer this stuff, but now I have two saying they are thinking of backing out because of the Matron of Honor!  What in the WORLD can I do at this point and what exactly are the dang Matron of Honor's duties exactly???  Thanks for the help and sorry about the yelling...I am just tired of the stress and my hair falling out from the stress!

It sounds like your Matron of Honor wants to help and is excited to attend all these things with you. I'm not sure about the whole interpersonal drama with everyone. But I don't understand how ADDING  a Maid of Honor is suppose to help.

I would suggest you, remember why you asked her to be your matron of honor, and I hope it is because she is a dear friend, who cares about you. Talk to her about how you feel about her attitude if it is an issue.

There are no real Matron of Honor duties except to buy the dress, bring the dress the day of the wedding, and stand up there with you when you are married. She is there to support you. Any of the parties, showers, gifts, etc are all extras.

saseblon73

Believe me, I have told them that!  It is to the point that all but the Matron of Honor are going to throw me a shower for all my friends and then just the MOH will do one for the family.  6 months away so we haven't talked about the Bachelorette party yet...eekkk!

Maggie0829

Well there are no duties that the Matron of Honor has to do besides buying the dress and showing up ready to smile on your wedding day.

I would honestly stop talking wedding with this person.  Sometimes weddings bring the worst out of people.  And I am assuming since you just turned 40 that this MOH is not 18 and that she should really be ashamed of how immature she is acting.

I would talk with your other girls.  I think it is horrible of them to want to drop out because of the MOH.  That won't hurt the MOH but it will sure hurt you.  They need to learn to ignore this person.

I also don't think making another friend a MaidOH did much good.  It probably only pissed your MatronOH off.

The next time the MOH does something that is just too much for you to handle you need to sit her down and tell her to quit it and that she is making things miserable for your when you should be stress free and happy.

I am sorry you are going through this.  Just no that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

saseblon73

You are point on with MY thinking!  I made my friend Maid of Honor to help buffer, 1 week in so far and it has seemed to help a little. 

She is a very dear friend, but since making her Matron...I don't know who she is anymore and no matter how many talks I have had with her, nothing has changed with her attitude!  I am afraid my next step is to boot her out completely.  :-(

Maggie0829

saseblon73 said:

Believe me, I have told them that!  It is to the point that all but the Matron of Honor are going to throw me a shower for all my friends and then just the MOH will do one for the family.  6 months away so we haven't talked about the Bachelorette party yet...eekkk!

I actually think this is the best course of action to take.  To have them do separate things.  That way they do not have to interact and the drama will decrease.  When it comes to the bach party I would let them handle it the same way.  Just try to stay out of their disputes as much as you can.  They are adults and can handle it on their own.  But if the MOH is pestering you then you should speak with her.

KeptInStitches

Kicking her out is a friendship-ending move. And she hasn't done anything to warrant that. Pretty much you're down to her trying to sleep with the groom or committing a felony against you. Irritation isn't a felony yet.

southernbelle0915

It sounds like the bulk of your issues are when the MOH is involved in wedding related things. To remedy this, stop talking wedding with her. Don't invite her shoe shopping, to dress fittings, to pick out decor,etc. If she asks, let her know you have it all under control, but you guys can grab a drink to talk about non-wedding related stuff if she wants. 

If people are dropping out of the wedding because of her behavior, I wouldn't in a million years let her be involved in any pre-wedding parties. If she offered to throw one, I would decline. I'd keep her as far away from wedding related things as possible. I honestly think that will solve the majority of your issues with this woman.

Kicking her out of the wedding party is a friendship-ending decision. You need to know that if you decide to go that route.

saseblon73

Thank you all so much!  She is under the impression that she helps me plan the wedding, every detail, not my fiance.  She is a great friend, but since this whole thing started, I am just not sure who she is anymore and that makes me sad.  I haven't invited her to anything, she invites herself and she has even invited her oldest son and his fiance since they want to go to as many weddings as they can before theirs...even though I don't know either of them. 

MDbride1012

I would sit down and explain to her that your FI is helping you plan the wedding and you don't really need any additional help. If you kick her out of the wedding it will do some serious damage to your friendship.

southernbelle0915

saseblon73 said:

Thank you all so much!  She is under the impression that she helps me plan the wedding, every detail, not my fiance.  She is a great friend, but since this whole thing started, I am just not sure who she is anymore and that makes me sad.  I haven't invited her to anything, she invites herself and she has even invited her oldest son and his fiance since they want to go to as many weddings as they can before theirs...even though I don't know either of them. 

She can't invite herself if she doesn't know when things are happening. You can remedy this by not talking wedding with her and letting her know things are either done or you're not working on it yet. 

saseblon73

That is the approach I have been taking the last few weeks with her.  I am still waiting it out to see how it is going to affect everyone when the time comes.

Nicmorrison14

Sometimes you just have to take a step back and realize it is about YOU and your FIANCE. I unfortunately just "demoted" a friend from being a bridesmaid to a guest at my wedding. It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, butwhen it came down to it, she was unreliable,made my MOH feel uncomfortable because she too was trying to take over and worst of all, she showed up completely wasted when we had our bridesmaids dress shopping appointment and was in the bathroom throwing up all during lunch. I realized, like you, that I didn't know who she was anymore. I was really upset because my 12 year old niece is a junior bridesmaid and I didn't appreciate her being in front of my niece like that. Not only was she stressing my other bridesmaids out, but she was stressing me out. I politely told her that I would feel more comfortable if she were just a guest and she could enjoy herself at my wedding. My whole thinking was, the people that I want up at the alter behind me on the most important day of my life are the people that I trust the most and can rely on to help me. It may hurt the friendship, but you need to do what is best for you, and if they don't understand, were they really a great friend in the first place?

Dreamergirl8812

Ok I'm not going to touch that ^^^, but to OP: I don't understand how this woman is so involved in your wedding. Mine's in 2 months and my bridesmaids went to my dress shopping and 1 fitting. And one went to my tasting with me because my FI couldn't.

Why on Earth would your bm be involved in your shoes? Why would that even come up? I bought my shoes alone. I didn't tell anyone about it because that would be weird. I don't get it.

Nicmorrison14 said:

Sometimes you just have to take a step back and realize it is about YOU and your FIANCE. I unfortunately just "demoted" a friend from being a bridesmaid to a guest at my wedding. It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, butwhen it came down to it, she was unreliable,made my MOH feel uncomfortable because she too was trying to take over and worst of all, she showed up completely wasted when we had our bridesmaids dress shopping appointment and was in the bathroom throwing up all during lunch. I realized, like you, that I didn't know who she was anymore. I was really upset because my 12 year old niece is a junior bridesmaid and I didn't appreciate her being in front of my niece like that. Not only was she stressing my other bridesmaids out, but she was stressing me out. I politely told her that I would feel more comfortable if she were just a guest and she could enjoy herself at my wedding. My whole thinking was, the people that I want up at the alter behind me on the most important day of my life are the people that I trust the most and can rely on to help me. It may hurt the friendship, but you need to do what is best for you, and if they don't understand, were they really a great friend in the first place?

ETA: Quote box JIC.

Maggie0829

Sometimes you just have to take a step back and realize it is about YOU and your FIANCE. I unfortunately just "demoted" a friend from being a bridesmaid to a guest at my wedding. It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, butwhen it came down to it, she was unreliable,made my MOH feel uncomfortable because she too was trying to take over and worst of all, she showed up completely wasted when we had our bridesmaids dress shopping appointment and was in the bathroom throwing up all during lunch. I realized, like you, that I didn't know who she was anymore. I was really upset because my 12 year old niece is a junior bridesmaid and I didn't appreciate her being in front of my niece like that. Not only was she stressing my other bridesmaids out, but she was stressing me out. I politely told her that I would feel more comfortable if she were just a guest and she could enjoy herself at my wedding. My whole thinking was, the people that I want up at the alter behind me on the most important day of my life are the people that I trust the most and can rely on to help me. It may hurt the friendship, but you need to do what is best for you, and if they don't understand, were they really a great friend in the first place?

You "demoted" your friend from BM to guest? I didn't even know that a demotion was possible seeing that BMs are not employed by you. What you did was rude. Was she probably acting in a poor fashion? Yes. But had you thought to consider that maybe something was going on in her life to make her act the way she was rather then just focusing on YOUR day? Before you "demoted" her, did you try to talk to her friend to friend rather bride to BM? You need to remember that these people are not just there for your one special day. These are people that have been and will hopefully be in your life for years to come and to "demote" someone because they are not acting in accordance to how you want your special day to be is hella rude. I think it is safe to bet that once this wedding is over with this friend will slowly make her way out of your life.

Maggie0829

Dreamergirl8812 said:

Ok I'm not going to touch that ^^^, but to OP: I don't understand how this woman is so involved in your wedding. Mine's in 2 months and my bridesmaids went to my dress shopping and 1 fitting. And one went to my tasting with me because my FI couldn't.

Why on Earth would your bm be involved in your shoes? Why would that even come up? I bought my shoes alone. I didn't tell anyone about it because that would be weird. I don't get it.

Nicmorrison14 said:

Sometimes you just have to take a step back and realize it is about YOU and your FIANCE. I unfortunately just "demoted" a friend from being a bridesmaid to a guest at my wedding. It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, butwhen it came down to it, she was unreliable,made my MOH feel uncomfortable because she too was trying to take over and worst of all, she showed up completely wasted when we had our bridesmaids dress shopping appointment and was in the bathroom throwing up all during lunch. I realized, like you, that I didn't know who she was anymore. I was really upset because my 12 year old niece is a junior bridesmaid and I didn't appreciate her being in front of my niece like that. Not only was she stressing my other bridesmaids out, but she was stressing me out. I politely told her that I would feel more comfortable if she were just a guest and she could enjoy herself at my wedding. My whole thinking was, the people that I want up at the alter behind me on the most important day of my life are the people that I trust the most and can rely on to help me. It may hurt the friendship, but you need to do what is best for you, and if they don't understand, were they really a great friend in the first place?

ETA: Quote box JIC.

Don't worry I did it for you

saseblon73

She knows nothing about shoes because I have not "set" something up to go look for them.  I told her that I would be doing that alone since I live furthest from all my girls and I truly think I saw the Exorcist at that moment!  She told me no, that she was to be with me for every detail...even my spanx???  I promise, I have talked to her several times now about her behavior towards my other bridesmaids and then again towards my mom and raising her voice at my 11 year old niece to sit down that the day was about me and not her!  I guess I really just need to pray about it and figure out what it is going to take to get her to understand that I picked her to stand with me because I love her friendship over the last 10 years...not for her to plan HER wedding (which is what she is doing, I feel, since she didn't have one 25 years ago).  I love her dearly, but her respect for me, my other friends and my family at this point is non-existent and her behavior is childish and ruining it for everyone!  Not to mention, using ME as an alibi for her affair (yes, just found out) is NOT what I am about!

Dreamergirl8812

saseblon73 said:

She knows nothing about shoes because I have not "set" something up to go look for them.  I told her that I would be doing that alone since I live furthest from all my girls and I truly think I saw the Exorcist at that moment!  She told me no, that she was to be with me for every detail...even my spanx???  I promise, I have talked to her several times now about her behavior towards my other bridesmaids and then again towards my mom and raising her voice at my 11 year old niece to sit down that the day was about me and not her!  I guess I really just need to pray about it and figure out what it is going to take to get her to understand that I picked her to stand with me because I love her friendship over the last 10 years...not for her to plan HER wedding (which is what she is doing, I feel, since she didn't have one 25 years ago).  I love her dearly, but her respect for me, my other friends and my family at this point is non-existent and her behavior is childish and ruining it for everyone!  Not to mention, using ME as an alibi for her affair (yes, just found out) is NOT what I am about!

Wow. I'm sorry. Oh, and just saw the second one: even more wow.

And I was wondering if she had issues with her own wedding and was trying to make up for that in some way.

saseblon73

She apparently was living with him, toddler running around and another on the way.  She came home and told him that the JP would be there at their house that Friday and they would be getting married or they were through...he showed up.  As far as the affair, yes, I am livid because her husband is an amazing, caring gentle man that gives her everything she could ever want.  She says she is not happy...wouldn't she just end the marriage then instead of screwing around???  Sorry, my morals say no affair!

Xstatic3333

Wow, she sounds rough. I think you may need to be direct with her. "MOH, I love you and want you next to me at my wedding, but I really prefer planning by myself or with my FI. It's easier for me to get my thoughts straight that way. I'd love a break from planning though; let's catch a movie this weekend!" She may get mad, but just keep being the bigger person. Bean dip when she brings up the wedding. Do not consider kicking her out; just be polite, direct, and try to steer her away from wedding stuff.

I won't touch the affair part, except to say I don't blame you for being frustrated. For right or wrong, if I were in your situation I'd tell her that using me as an alibi is unacceptable. If she persisted, I'd probably distance myself (not saying you need to handle it that way, just that I would). Good luck!

saseblon73

Xstatic3333 said:

Wow, she sounds rough. I think you may need to be direct with her. "MOH, I love you and want you next to me at my wedding, but I really prefer planning by myself or with my FI. It's easier for me to get my thoughts straight that way. I'd love a break from planning though; let's catch a movie this weekend!" She may get mad, but just keep being the bigger person. Bean dip when she brings up the wedding. Do not consider kicking her out; just be polite, direct, and try to steer her away from wedding stuff. I won't touch the affair part, except to say I don't blame you for being frustrated. For right or wrong, if I were in your situation I'd tell her that using me as an alibi is unacceptable. If she persisted, I'd probably distance myself (not saying you need to handle it that way, just that I would). Good luck!

You suggested everything I have told her so far, thank you!  That helps me realize that I am really handling everything the right way so far.  She is constantly taking jabs at the other bridesmaids not having money and they should back out because they don't have enough money and they knew it would cost them.  My main goal...marry the man I love, have all my girls standing with me, everyone have fun throughout this process and no one to go broke or kill each other.  I don't think that is too much to ask for!  :-)

Cokezerofreak

If she's not getting it while you're trying to be polite addressing her behavior, there is nothing more you can do.  If she comes at you after you've gone on your own to get your shoes (and your Spanx) then bluntly tell her you figured she was too busy with her affair and wanted to do it on your own without her drama.

I think you've been really nice trying to handle it, maybe (and others might disagree) you need to be a little rude for her to process your concerns.

Nicmorrison14

@maggie and dreamergirl, first of all this isn't about me, it's about trying to help the person who wrote this and I was sharing my experience. Second of all, please do not criticize what I did when you do not know the circumstances in which everything took place. I did talk to her one on one, and no, she doesn't have personal drama, that's an every weekend thing that she does. However, it was my decision and I made it. Thank you for your input, but your judgements are not appreciated. We each do/did what we deem necessary for our own weddings, and I will not sit here and judge what decisons you may have made based on my own opinions. thanks.

saseblon73

Cokezerofreak said:

If she's not getting it while you're trying to be polite addressing her behavior, there is nothing more you can do.  If she comes at you after you've gone on your own to get your shoes (and your Spanx) then bluntly tell her you figured she was too busy with her affair and wanted to do it on your own without her drama.

I think you've been really nice trying to handle it, maybe (and others might disagree) you need to be a little rude for her to process your concerns.

Thank you for that, I truly appreciate it.  :-)

Dreamergirl8812

Nicmorrison14 said:

Sometimes you just have to take a step back and realize it is about YOU and your FIANCE. I unfortunately just "demoted" a friend from being a bridesmaid to a guest at my wedding. It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, butwhen it came down to it, she was unreliable,made my MOH feel uncomfortable because she too was trying to take over and worst of all, she showed up completely wasted when we had our bridesmaids dress shopping appointment and was in the bathroom throwing up all during lunch. I realized, like you, that I didn't know who she was anymore. I was really upset because my 12 year old niece is a junior bridesmaid and I didn't appreciate her being in front of my niece like that. Not only was she stressing my other bridesmaids out, but she was stressing me out. I politely told her that I would feel more comfortable if she were just a guest and she could enjoy herself at my wedding. My whole thinking was, the people that I want up at the alter behind me on the most important day of my life are the people that I trust the most and can rely on to help me. It may hurt the friendship, but you need to do what is best for you, and if they don't understand, were they really a great friend in the first place?

Irony, meet hypocrisy.

Nicmorrison14 said:

@maggie and dreamergirl, first of all this isn't about me, it's about trying to help the person who wrote this and I was sharing my experience. Second of all, please do not criticize what I did when you do not know the circumstances in which everything took place. I did talk to her one on one, and no, she doesn't have personal drama, that's an every weekend thing that she does. However, it was my decision and I made it. Thank you for your input, but your judgements are not appreciated. We each do/did what we deem necessary for our own weddings, and I will not sit here and judge what decisons you may have made based on my own opinions. thanks.

Ok, now I'll touch it. You can't demote someone because they were not promoted to begin with. Because they do not work for you. You chose to honor your friend because you love her and then chose not to because she was "unreliable." That's shitty.

And she may have a drinking problem. That's very concerning. But hey, who the fuck cares as long as you don't have to rely on her to shower you with attention!

NYCMercedes

@nicmorrison14, Internet forums are exactly about judgment. You put it out there, you open for discussion.

southernbelle0915

NYCMercedes said:

@nicmorrison14, Internet forums are exactly about judgment. You put it out there, you open for discussion.

Can I get an Amen?!?!

Nicmorrison14

Amen!

Dreamergirl8812