Moms and Maids

MOG worries

Ever since my fiancé brought me home to meet his parents, I have gotten along great with both of his parents. I have had many good time with my FMIL, who has a very strong personality (at times stronger than me). She has already told me I need to change my date (the 5th anniversary of her mother passing would be the day after the wedding), which I did to avoid a fight. Now I find out, through my fiancé, that she is mocking and making fun of my broach bouquet idea, a bouquet that I find very meaningful to me. While I don't plan on backing down on my bouquet, I do worry about what other plans/ideas she will try to attack. The advice I get from SYTTD is to stand strong, but how can I repel her without being a Bridezilla and without damaging any relationships?

Re: MOG worries

  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Don't tell her what you're doing. If she doesn't know your plans, she can't make fun of them. Otherwise, practice your Miss Manners Stare of Icy Death and perhaps also the phrases "That's an interesting idea" or the most innocent, honest, "Why would I want to do that?" you can muster.
    svc2014melbelleupmaryemoo
  • also, ask your FI to keep wedding details to a minimum with her.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ever since my fiancé brought me home to meet his parents, I have gotten along great with both of his parents. I have had many good time with my FMIL, who has a very strong personality (at times stronger than me). She has already told me I need to change my date (the 5th anniversary of her mother passing would be the day after the wedding), which I did to avoid a fight. Now I find out, through my fiancé, that she is mocking and making fun of my broach bouquet idea, a bouquet that I find very meaningful to me. While I don't plan on backing down on my bouquet, I do worry about what other plans/ideas she will try to attack. The advice I get from SYTTD is to stand strong, but how can I repel her without being a Bridezilla and without damaging any relationships?

    I think that you need to get on the same page of your FI.  And that as long as if FILs aren't paying, they will be kept in the dark about your wedding plans.  Also, tell your FI that if he hears his mom making fun of any aspects of your wedding, to not pass this info along to you because you don't want to hold this against her in the future.  I know if my MIL was talking badly about me to my FI, I don't think I could hold back any niceties with her any longer.

    I have to admit, I didn't understand broach bouquets when I first got on TK.  But the pictures I have seen of them have been gorgeous.  So perhaps FMIL just can't picture your vision yet.  I'm sure she will be pleasantly surprised by how nice they are in the end.  So don't get discouraged and keep working on it!

    melbelleup
  • Your MIL is talking smack about you and your FI ran to tell you? Nice.
    NYCMercedeslizybeff
  • Ditto ZitiQueen. You don't have a FMIL issue, you have a FI issue. When your FI heard his mother talking smack about you, his FIRST response should have been to shut her down. His SECOND response should have been to say to her, "If I hear you say anything negative about scmurphy again, I will leave the room. You risk permanently damaging your relationship with her and with me by your attitude."


    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    [Deleted User]melbelleup
  • @HisGirlFriday13, the OP never said that her FI didn't cut off his mom, and @zitiqueen, we don't know that he "ran to tell her." Again, for all we know it came up in conversation, like "hey, you won't believe what my mom said today."  He also may have told her so that she can be on alert for this kind of behavior from her FMIL, and so they can present a united front.

    Whatever happened OP, give your FMIL as little information as possible and don't be afraid to tell her No if she tries to push something.
    melbelleup
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ever since my fiancé brought me home to meet his parents, I have gotten along great with both of his parents.
    If you do like her as a person, I would agree with PP's to just omit any wedding information from conversations with her.  If she asks a direct question, you can tell her you are leaving many of the details a surprise.  

     I have had many good time with my FMIL, who has a very strong personality (at times stronger than me). 
    Adjusting to someone with a strong personality can take some time.  You may need to best determine how to read her.

    She has already told me I need to change my date (the 5th anniversary of her mother passing would be the day after the wedding), which I did to avoid a fight. 
    If she literally TOLD, rather than asked you, to change the wedding date, then you do have a potential problem.  You took the high road with her on this first challenge.  She may think she can now dominate/control you on other issues as well.  She may just need a "fight" on another issue so she can see the strength in your personality as well.  Choose your battles wisely, and unitedly with FI.

    Now I find out, through my fiancé, that she is mocking and making fun of my broach bouquet idea, a bouquet that I find very meaningful to me. 
    This simply shows her immaturity and perhaps her lack of knowledge of current trends.  Until she broke her foot 6 weeks before her wedding, my daughter had every intention of wearing zebra striped heels under her wedding gown.  My first thought was picturing her very uptight and out-of-the-loop aunt stroking out at the sight of it.  I am hoping your FI made his opinion of her response very clear to her.  

    While I don't plan on backing down on my bouquet, I do worry about what other plans/ideas she will try to attack. The advice I get from SYTTD is to stand strong, but how can I repel her without being a Bridezilla and without damaging any relationships?
    Responding to rude or critical comments does not make you a bridezilla.  Remain calm, civil, and clear in your responses.  If the subject of your bouquet comes up again, you can thank her for her opinion and simply remind her that since you are the one carrying it, you are the only one that needs to like it.  

    scmurphy2010melbelleup
  • Don't talk wedding with this woman. The less she knows the less she can say. If she's going to bad mouth choices like what's in your bouquet, this probably isn't the last thing she'll trash. Stay strong and ignore her. 

    You need to get on the same page with your FI, like yesterday. He needs to be defending you and setting boundaries with his mom that it's not ok for her to be trash-talking you to anyone. I'm sure you'd do the same for him if your family was trashing his choice in tux or other personal wedding details.
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  • I agree with getting on the same page as your FI. I would approach it gently and just say that you were hurt by her comment and that in the future you would appreciate it if he stood up for you and if you kept details about the wedding to yourselves and not her. If you have had a good relationship up until this point I wouldn't make too big of a deal about it, it's not worth making your future more difficult. It could be she is having trouble adjusting to her son getting married, it could be she is going through a rough time, anything and it just manifested into making fun of your idea. I would just try and let it go for now (I know it's hard!) and continue to be nice with her. If she starts demanding things or being nasty then you need to stand your ground and say it is you and your fiance's day and you are making the decisions that best express your style and personalities. Good luck!

  • Weddings bring out the best and worst in people. Unfortunately, it didn't bring out a positive side of your FMIL.

    There is nothing wrong with a brooch bouquet. I carried one on my wedding day, and some guests even mentioned how beautiful, unique it was. If you want to make/buy one, go ahead. You will have no regrets, and you will be able to keep the brooch bouquet after the wedding.

    Some people just don't like things that are non-traditional and are the first to broadcast unwanted advice. As long as you host your guests properly, there is no reason for others to be overly concerned about your accessories.


    melbelleup
  • shut it down.  if you don't have to share details with her, don't.

     

    a lot of older people are against nontraditional wedding ideas.  at my FSIL's wedding, her cake was a three layer square cake in alternating tan and black.  her grandmother did not approve of the cake, and said as much.  at the wedding.  to the bride.  but she's an old lady, and she probably forgot all about it the next day.  it didn't make the wedding any less special (even though it did irk my FMIL).

     

    if she's going to be opinionated now, she's going to be that way forever...i'd come up with a good way to tune her out.  you're going to need that skill in the future.

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