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NWR: Budgets

For you ladies who share a budget with your SO, let's chat. DH and I are slowly working through our differences, but sometimes it's maddening. Here's a short version of where we stand:
Me: Prior to DH, always lived paycheck to paycheck, with debt (credit card and student loans). Now that we DON'T live paycheck to paycheck, I want to pay off all our debts asap.
DH: Always smart with money, didn't have to pay for college, incurred no debt beyond houses and cars. He feels like he has worked hard and shouldn't have to watch the money he spends. On the other hand, he hates all the debt we have (mostly incurred by me circa 1999-2004). To make things more awesome, his ex-wife controlled every penny he spent, so I think he also resists anything that looks like control.

We finally started a mint.com account and have a good plan going forward. Our credit cards (in the five figures) will be paid off by June. But it was a bit of a battle to get there, and compromise was huge in the resolution. 

Tell me about where you're at and how you got there (and does it get better? We've had joint accounts for about two years now).
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Re: NWR: Budgets

  • Im not going to lie, I am terrified to have a joint account with FI. Same situation basically as you and your H. I have one credit card, but a lot of student debt and a car loan. FI has the house and most recently put a lien on his truck to buy a truck to restore, thats it.

    I make more an hour than he does, but he works more hours and gets OT, so he takes home more.

    I am interested to see what others say as well.

     

  • H and I have joint accounts. I am the one who brought debt into the picture (thanks to my student loans). We owe about $3k on one credit card. I make more and I am definitely a spender. H is not as much of a spender as I am but he's not a saver, either. 

    When we were saving for our wedding, I set up auto-transfers on each of our paydays so we weren't even missing the money. H took a week of unpaid vacation for our HM and then was not able to work that often because of the weather and so money has been pretty tight since then. Our first argument as a married couple was actually about money and it sucked. We have a nice size savings and it just wasn't worth it to be arguing/being miserable about being broke when we weren't actually broke.



  • Saver vs. spender is hard to reconcile. BF and I have combined finances in all but name because we do live paycheck to paycheck with debt (his, not mine). It's a big part of the reason we want to live together - aside from the obvious personal compatibility, we at least would only be paying one set of bills, one set of utilities, one rent payment, etc. I'm so very tired of never feeling like we come out ahead, and I know I could be doing more personally (I probably don't need coffee, I can live without a new outfit and jewelry for the reunion, etc.) ... but then I remember things like I might have bought one sweater last winter, most of my tee-shirts were hand-me-downs from my mom (thank god we're near the same size), I shop exclusively on sale ... gah. I hate spilling my guts like this.
  • My BF and I don't have joint accounts... I don't think it would work well for us because we both get a little spendy with our leftover cash and it would dredge up all kinds of arguments if we could SEE the money being spent. He's MUCH better at actually saving than I am though, so he usually holds all of the 'emergency' money because he builds it up faster than I do. We each still hold our own personal savings, however. We budgeted for ourselves, really... as long as all of our bills were paid, we used the free money for what we want. Our money was always separate, but shared. We discuss big purchases because they affect both of us. He supported me through almost 3 years of school, and I'll be supporting him while he's doing some classes this fall/winter. 

    That being said - we usually split bills. He's going back to school as of this month, so I'm handling everything for now, but I'll give a run down of what we did:

    -BF paid the "big bills" like rent, utilities, car insurance. Our accounts are linked, so I would transfer my share when they are due.
    -I paid the small bills like phone and internet. Plus all of "my" bills like my CC, Student Loans, etc. Same as above, he'd transfer his share to me prior to their due date.
  • It's so interesting to hear how it works for everyone else. We also are putting $1,000 a month into savings (with some things coming out of that, here and there). So, like @swazzle, it's kind of annoying to be having these issues when we clearly have cash reserves. At the same time, I am so goddamn sick of this credit card debt that I want to do everything in my power to have it gone. 

    On a positive note, if we can stick to this budget, in June 2014, we'll have an extra $1,800 a month to play with, go on vacation with, buy a second home with, or put towards my student loans. Light at the end of the tunnel?
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  • doubleSS07doubleSS07 member
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    edited September 2013

    Tiger that is an amazing positin to be in.  I've been struggling with the money thing since we got home from the HM (I think its the post wedding depression).  I didn't get paid for 2 1/2 weeks while we were gone so I am literally broke..like dipping in to my meager savings broke.  We communicate pretty well regarding money and our joint financial goals.  I'm worried because at 35 I have virtually NO retirement.

    We don't have a joint account yet but we are going to open one.  I brought the majority of the debt in and am paying off a loan to my dad which will be paid off November of next year.  I need a car and we want to buy a house and have a baby sometime in the next year or two and I am seriously hyper-ventilating at the amount of money we DON'T have.  We have made a budget and plan to start staying in more (we blow alot on entertainment) and chipping away at the small CC's we have.  We are debating on just paying off the cards with the savings and repaying ourselves each month instad of the CC company.  We pretty much can't buy a home for at least another year so we'd be using some of our down payment to do that but in the long run our debt to income ratio will look pristine.  Ugh I hate money stuff.



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  • Tiger that is an amazing positin to be in.  I've been struggling with the money thing since we got home from the HM (I think its the post wedding depression).  I didn't get paid for 2 1/2 weeks while we were gone so I am literally broke..like dipping in to my meager savings broke.  We communicate pretty well regarding money and our joint financial goals.  I'm worried because at 35 I have virtually NO retirement.

    We don't have a joint account yet but we are going to open one.  I brought the majority of the debt in and am paying off a loan to my dad which will be paid off November of next year.  I need a car and we want to buy a house and have a baby sometime in the next year or two and I am seriously hyper-ventilating at the amount of money we DON'T have.  We have made a budget and plan to start staying in more (we blow alot on entertainment) and chipping away at the small CC's we have.  We are debating on just paying off the cards with the savings and repaying ourselves each month instad of the CC company.  We pretty much can't buy a home for at least another year so we'd be using some of our down payment to do that but in the long run our debt to income ratio will look pristine.  Ugh I hate money stuff.

    I know... I hope my post didn't come across as complaining or gloating. I think I'm even more aware of it because our cc totals haven't changed much in the last six months, and I really feel like they should have gone way down. 

    Non-expert advice: If you have high (anything over, say 7%) interest on your credit cards, it probably makes sense to pay those off and then put the money you'd pay towards them back into savings every month. Just make sure you leave yourself enough of a cushion that if something happens (car breakdown, sale at sephora) you aren't totally up a tree.
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  • I'm nervous to share an account with my bf someday. I'm a budgeter and a saver. He's not. I think he'll respect what I have to say regarding budgets, though.

    My friend had debts in the 5 digits when she got married and her husband spent her savings on his car. I guess that has me worried, you know?
    image
  • cu97tiger said:
    I know... I hope my post didn't come across as complaining or gloating. I think I'm even more aware of it because our cc totals haven't changed much in the last six months, and I really feel like they should have gone way down. 

    Non-expert advice: If you have high (anything over, say 7%) interest on your credit cards, it probably makes sense to pay those off and then put the money you'd pay towards them back into savings every month. Just make sure you leave yourself enough of a cushion that if something happens (car breakdown, sale at sephora) you aren't totally up a tree.
    I wouldn't necessarily call this high. I have a CC that's 9% and I've never found a card that offers anything close to it since. I know some people have lower, but I don't think it's offered anymore unless it's a card that's difficult to get without fantastic credit in the first place.  
  • I'm nervous to share an account with my bf someday. I'm a budgeter and a saver. He's not. I think he'll respect what I have to say regarding budgets, though. My friend had debts in the 5 digits when she got married and her husband spent her savings on his car. I guess that has me worried, you know?
    Jeez on the 5 digit debt! I know a girl like that... she racks up her credit cards constantly, goes out a lot, and genuinely just lives above her means. She always talks about trying to pay it down, but she goes out all the time and really does nothing to try to fix it.

    I think if you and your BF can make a plan and stick to it, it will be ok. I'm the same way though... I know that having a joint account with my BF would just cause fights. Especially since we like to surprise each other with little gifts every so often. It would kind of ruin the gesture if one of us called the other to ask what the random $20 withdrawal was for! lol
  • I think that the source of the debt can also make a difference. Like with BF and I, he's paying down his student loan debt. I would have a bigger problem if he had that amount of debt in credit cards, and that's probably not a fair opinion.
  • cu97tiger said:
    I know... I hope my post didn't come across as complaining or gloating. I think I'm even more aware of it because our cc totals haven't changed much in the last six months, and I really feel like they should have gone way down. 

    Non-expert advice: If you have high (anything over, say 7%) interest on your credit cards, it probably makes sense to pay those off and then put the money you'd pay towards them back into savings every month. Just make sure you leave yourself enough of a cushion that if something happens (car breakdown, sale at sephora) you aren't totally up a tree.
    I wouldn't necessarily call this high. I have a CC that's 9% and I've never found a card that offers anything close to it since. I know some people have lower, but I don't think it's offered anymore unless it's a card that's difficult to get without fantastic credit in the first place.  
    Yeah, I admittedly just picked a random number. I just meant that if you have a card with 9%+ on it, that the interest charges might be worth paying it off as quick as possible. Much below that and you're probably just talking about a few dollars. (PS Both my cards are 9.99%)

    I have 5-digit credit card debt. It started in college when I had no idea how quickly $20 here and $20 there could add up. It got worse when I took a job in my chosen field that paid peanuts (to the tune of my dad paying my utility bills). Since 2008, I've continually made dents (down to four digits, woohoo!) but moving cross-country and our dog needing chemo pushed them back up. Regardless, the thought of being done with them by next summer is beyond exciting!
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  • @KeptInStitches I agree! It's much different when its CC debt versus student loans. 

    I actually get mad when my student loan debt is held against me. I requested an increase on my CC recently just to try to get my average limits above 2k and they refused because they said my loans were 'too new' (um, first, most are like 4 years old from when I started school, and second, I JUST GRADUATED A YEAR AGO) and the 'balanced were too high' because, as I've stated, I just graduated A YEAR AGO. It's not even that much compared to most - I owe roughly 15k right now
  • @cu97tiger - I'm sort of like your H. I work super hard and, thankfully for now, make a lot doing it. Part of the reason I work so hard is so that I don't have to budget. H wanted to budget, budget, budget which stresses me out for past-family reasons (my family was often in the red and I was in charge of accounting for our family and family business at around age 12...don't ask me why).

    Do you have a solid spreadsheet of all (and I mean all) of your fixed costs? If so, put that amount each month in a separate joint account out of which all checks are written. For non-fixed but essential costs (groceries, uniforms, essential work technology, cell bills) might I suggest that you track what each of you are spending in your Mint.com account for a few months and take an average of that amount and set aside that amount into the separate joint account too. That will keep you accountable to a historical average but your H won't (hopefully) be as stressed thinking money spending is being micro-managed there. From there, see what you have to pay down bills and set an amount you both agree on into the separate joint account to pay down bills. Any extra on top of that you guys have in your own accounts (or a joint account, but make sure it is separated from the account you are paying bills out of) for non-fixed non-essentials (entertainment, clothing that isn't work related, etc.). That "bucket" for the non-fixed non-essentials might make your H feel more comfortable. You should agree that that "bucket" isn't subject to the budget until you revisit the budget (and set a timeline to do so, I'd suggest at least every 6 months). Just my two cents from someone who stresses out about budgets.

    I'd like to say it gets easier to talk to me about budgeting but it still stresses me out when H brings it up. My only other advice...start softly (and with a glass of wine...but not two). :)

  • No not at all, just thinking that's more than a light at the end of the tunnel!  Paying off the debt ASAP is the best plan especially with bebe's on the brain.  He might resist right now but 10 months will go by fast and he'll enjoy the additional freedom he will have once the CC's are all gone.  Temporary tightness for more freedom later is worth it.


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  • we both came into the relationship with no debt and 3-6 months worth of income in savings.  The only debt I had was my condo mortgage, it's debt but not student loan debt or credit cards.  My undergrad was paid for and I paid off my grad school loans in 3 yrs.  I only use my credit card for rewards points really.   We have no other debt other than mortgages.  We have a joint account we don't fully use yet we each have individual accounts that we both pay expenses out of.  Each of us has certain expenses we are responsible for and they about equal out.  

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  • Well, the specifics of my financial situation are...complicated.  And are not something I would like to publicly share, but am happy to share with you privately @cu97tiger.

    DH and I have joint accounts.  I actually do not have a personal checking or savings account.  All of our money is in the same place.  We look at all bills/expenses as "ours".  There is no "my money" or "your money" or "your bill" or "my bill".  It's OUR money, OUR bills, OUR expenses.  Always.

    As far as how we spend, we have VERY different spending habits.  I was raised with the mentality that "it's just money, you can always make more, buy what you'd like, don't be petty with money, be happy in the now."

    FIL died suddenly when DH was 10 and DH was then raised by a single mother, raising two kids on a high school diploma.  Needless to say, he sees money differently than I do.  He was raised to work for everything he has.  He will stay at a horrible job to have more financial security.  He budgets EVERYTHING down to the dollar.  He's EXTREMELY financially responsible.

    So, we have to compromise.  I realize that I wasn't necessarily raised to be financially responsible, so in a lot of financial things, I take DH's lead.

    With me being out of work for the past 6 months, it's been tough.  I cannot just spend money without abandon because it's not responsible.  So I REALLY have to reign myself in.  It's hard.

    What we do at the beginning of every month is write out all of our expenses on a piece of paper.  Rent, electric, cell phone, internet, etc., etc.  We write out what each thing is going to cost us.  Then we write out projected expenses for food, travel, medication, entertainment, eating out, and a $100 "in case" line.  Then we write out when each item is due, put a line for when it was paid, and then another line for when each item cleared the checking account.

    That's how we manage our day to day expenses.
  • I really appreciate everyone's outlook. @minskat... I am really hoping not to have to split out even more accounts than we already have (online savings, savings (which is actually a checking account) and checking). We had a little bit more of a convo tonight and I think we're actually really good. I'm such a conflict avoider that these difficult conversations often throw me for a loop, even though they are totally normal and necessary.

    Thank God I married a wonderful man. Even when we don't agree, we find common ground because we are Team Lawrence.
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  • I'm nervous to share an account with my bf someday. I'm a budgeter and a saver. He's not. I think he'll respect what I have to say regarding budgets, though. My friend had debts in the 5 digits when she got married and her husband spent her savings on his car. I guess that has me worried, you know?
    Jeez on the 5 digit debt! I know a girl like that... she racks up her credit cards constantly, goes out a lot, and genuinely just lives above her means. She always talks about trying to pay it down, but she goes out all the time and really does nothing to try to fix it.

    I think if you and your BF can make a plan and stick to it, it will be ok. I'm the same way though... I know that having a joint account with my BF would just cause fights. Especially since we like to surprise each other with little gifts every so often. It would kind of ruin the gesture if one of us called the other to ask what the random $20 withdrawal was for! lol
    Yeah, it started out as student loans, but she didn't pay them off right away and she just added to it. Her and her husband did not see eye to eye on how to budget themselves.

    I really think my bf and I will be okay, I know that it's just something we need to work on.


    I think it'll help if we have a joint account for bills and specific things, but then separate accounts for personal items. I work hard for my money and once in awhile I like to treat myself. As long as we're making our payments on time and saving up enough for the future, I think it'll be good to be able to buy things without worrying what the other will think.
    image
  • I'm the saver and FI is the spender. I literally take every paycheck I get and put all of it but $200 in my savings and checking account. The $200 I keep as cash for the following 2 weeks until I get paid again. I use the checking account only for bill pay, gas or online purchases. I pay for gas/electric and my student loans from undergrad and grad. I do not have a credit card.

    My FI does not really save as much. He would prefer to pay the majority of the bills (rent, cable/internet, cell phones, car insurance, gas, food) and let me take what's left over and stick it in with my savings. We do not have joint accounts yet, since we just got engaged. He also does not have any debt whatsoever, like not even a credit card. He's frugal in the fact that if you cannot afford to pay the entire balance, then you can't afford it. 

    I hope we do not run into a problem getting approved for a mortgage (he thinks we can save to buy a house cash, but I know that's not happening) since he does not have any credit history and I owe over $40k in student loans. Anyone have any insight on this?
  • 500days said:
    I'm the saver and FI is the spender. I literally take every paycheck I get and put all of it but $200 in my savings and checking account. The $200 I keep as cash for the following 2 weeks until I get paid again. I use the checking account only for bill pay, gas or online purchases. I pay for gas/electric and my student loans from undergrad and grad. I do not have a credit card.

    My FI does not really save as much. He would prefer to pay the majority of the bills (rent, cable/internet, cell phones, car insurance, gas, food) and let me take what's left over and stick it in with my savings. We do not have joint accounts yet, since we just got engaged. He also does not have any debt whatsoever, like not even a credit card. He's frugal in the fact that if you cannot afford to pay the entire balance, then you can't afford it. 

    I hope we do not run into a problem getting approved for a mortgage (he thinks we can save to buy a house cash, but I know that's not happening) since he does not have any credit history and I owe over $40k in student loans. Anyone have any insight on this?
    @500days - He should open a credit card asap. Have him put gas on it every month, then pay it off immediately. This will help him establish credit. Has he never had a car loan? A student loan?

    Even if you have $40k in loans, if you have good credit, you should be able to get a mortgage. The question will be how good a rate you can get. Another aspect of that is how much you'll put down on the house (20%? 40%?). 

    You can get one free round of credit reports a year - one from each of the agencies, so I think you could spread it out every four months. Check your credit score, have him open the card, then check it again in four months. Repeat. :)
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  • cu97tiger said:
    @500days - He should open a credit card asap. Have him put gas on it every month, then pay it off immediately. This will help him establish credit. Has he never had a car loan? A student loan?

    Even if you have $40k in loans, if you have good credit, you should be able to get a mortgage. The question will be how good a rate you can get. Another aspect of that is how much you'll put down on the house (20%? 40%?). 

    You can get one free round of credit reports a year - one from each of the agencies, so I think you could spread it out every four months. Check your credit score, have him open the card, then check it again in four months. Repeat. :)
    Yikes, is that seriously a typical down payment? Because wow. BF and I might have to re-think our timeline yet again if that's the case...
  • Amapola14 said:
    cu97tiger said:
    @500days - He should open a credit card asap. Have him put gas on it every month, then pay it off immediately. This will help him establish credit. Has he never had a car loan? A student loan?

    Even if you have $40k in loans, if you have good credit, you should be able to get a mortgage. The question will be how good a rate you can get. Another aspect of that is how much you'll put down on the house (20%? 40%?). 

    You can get one free round of credit reports a year - one from each of the agencies, so I think you could spread it out every four months. Check your credit score, have him open the card, then check it again in four months. Repeat. :)
    Yikes, is that seriously a typical down payment? Because wow. BF and I might have to re-think our timeline yet again if that's the case...
    you need to have at least 20% equity in order to not have mortgage insurance, so most people *try* to get 20% DP. I know I'll never be able to save that much any time soon lol
  • My BF and I don't have joint accounts... I don't think it would work well for us because we both get a little spendy with our leftover cash and it would dredge up all kinds of arguments if we could SEE the money being spent. He's MUCH better at actually saving than I am though, so he usually holds all of the 'emergency' money because he builds it up faster than I do. We each still hold our own personal savings, however. We budgeted for ourselves, really... as long as all of our bills were paid, we used the free money for what we want. Our money was always separate, but shared. We discuss big purchases because they affect both of us. He supported me through almost 3 years of school, and I'll be supporting him while he's doing some classes this fall/winter. 

    That being said - we usually split bills. He's going back to school as of this month, so I'm handling everything for now, but I'll give a run down of what we did:

    -BF paid the "big bills" like rent, utilities, car insurance. Our accounts are linked, so I would transfer my share when they are due.
    -I paid the small bills like phone and internet. Plus all of "my" bills like my CC, Student Loans, etc. Same as above, he'd transfer his share to me prior to their due date.
    As of last night, the BF and I decided to open a joint account for bills/mutual savings.  We most likely won't open it until after he's finished his classes in October, but my previous answer will be null and void at that point :) lol We will still be keeping our personal accounts though, and transfer over whats needed to the joint.
  • @cu97tiger Thank you for the help!! Yes, I know it's almost unheard of, but FI has never acquired anything with a loan. He bought his car and work van cash and he didn't go to college. I told him to get a secured credit card, but he's still warming up to the idea. 

    At least I can say that we won't have a problem with the down payment on a house haha
  • I have much more than $40k in debt left over from law school loans and I got a mortgage, no problem.  It's all relative--i.e. you monthly loan payment against your monthly income, how much is left over to pay your mortgage.  Paying your student loans on time every month actually helps you establish good credit.
  • 500days said:
    @cu97tiger Thank you for the help!! Yes, I know it's almost unheard of, but FI has never acquired anything with a loan. He bought his car and work van cash and he didn't go to college. I told him to get a secured credit card, but he's still warming up to the idea. 

    At least I can say that we won't have a problem with the down payment on a house haha
    @500days - Maybe you can talk to him about how if he ever wants to establish credit, he HAS to take out a loan. He can pay it off a week later, but otherwise when he really needs it (i.e. a mortgage, a personal loan for medical expenses, etc), he's going to be paying RIDICULOUS interest rates. 

    @amapola14 - I don't think there is a 'typical' down payment. It all depends on your bank/credit union. For us, if we put 10% down, we could avoid paying PMI, so that's what we did. We were planning on putting down 5%, but decided it was worth depleting our savings to not have to pay PMI.
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  • @cu97tiger - Thanks for insight on PMI/down payments. BF and I are looking into buying a condo next spring, and realistically we're not going to be able to put more than 10% down. We're also looking into first-time buyer incentive programs - has anyone used these? Can anyone help me?
  • Dittoing @keptinstitches' questions. We have a similar goal for our down payment if we end up buying a house next summer.
  • @cu97tiger - Thanks for insight on PMI/down payments. BF and I are looking into buying a condo next spring, and realistically we're not going to be able to put more than 10% down. We're also looking into first-time buyer incentive programs - has anyone used these? Can anyone help me?
    I think they really differ depending on your state/city. Start googling. Back when I bought my first house, they didn't really have anything that fit me, but I bet now you can find something!
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