Kids in the wedding party

Angel131

I'm not getting married until January 31, 2015, but I'm having a hard time addressing a touchy situation-kids in the wedding party. Right from the announcement of our engagement back in December 2012, my sister in law (groom's sister) and mother-in-law have kept making mention of how cute and adorable my niece age 2 and nephew age 5 will be in our wedding, despite the fact that we've yet to decide what the kiddie factor will be or not be in our lineup. Now as if that's not bad enough one of the groomsmen has a son who is also 2 and his mother has hinted that he'd be great in a wedding too, and then of course there is my MOH/sister who is due to have a little boy in a few weeks who my mother has hinted should be included as well. I'll be the first to say that all this assuming being done by these various parties may be my our fault because while I don't condone any of it, I do not stop it either. My primary concern is that while I adore all of these children, I do not want poorly behaved children in the party (my niece and nephew are the not most politely behaved children) and I certainly don't want to create some sort of beef between myself and any of the parents in question. Thus, leading to me think that perhaps the best thing to do is to eighty-six any and all children in the party so as not to hurt any feelings. A friend of mine, who is not a parent in the matter, has suggested that maybe by the time the wedding arrives the children will be older and wiser and less heathen like, but taking that chance does nothing to ease my mind. I'm just looking for a polite way to let them all down gently without being ostracized from my family, his family and our friends.

Simply Fated

Angel131 said:

I'm not getting married until January 31, 2015, but I'm having a hard time addressing a touchy situation-kids in the wedding party. Right from the announcement of our engagement back in December 2012, my sister in law (groom's sister) and mother-in-law have kept making mention of how cute and adorable my niece age 2 and nephew age 5 will be in our wedding, despite the fact that we've yet to decide what the kiddie factor will be or not be in our lineup. Now as if that's not bad enough one of the groomsmen has a son who is also 2 and his mother has hinted that he'd be great in a wedding too, and then of course there is my MOH/sister who is due to have a little boy in a few weeks who my mother has hinted should be included as well. I'll be the first to say that all this assuming being done by these various parties may be my our fault because while I don't condone any of it, I do not stop it either. My primary concern is that while I adore all of these children, I do not want poorly behaved children in the party (my niece and nephew are the not most politely behaved children) and I certainly don't want to create some sort of beef between myself and any of the parents in question. Thus, leading to me think that perhaps the best thing to do is to eighty-six any and all children in the party so as not to hurt any feelings. A friend of mine, who is not a parent in the matter, has suggested that maybe by the time the wedding arrives the children will be older and wiser and less heathen like, but taking that chance does nothing to ease my mind. I'm just looking for a polite way to let them all down gently without being ostracized from my family, his family and our friends.

Don't let them down. There is no polite way to say, "Sorry, I'm not having your kids in my wedding."
HOWEVER, that is just if you randomly go up to them and tell them this. If THEY bring it up, the parents or who ever, then definitely say, "Thank you, but we're not having a flower girl/ring bearer." Then, bean dip them.

Everyone thinks their own kid is awesomesauce. And I get it, most kids are pretty awesome. I completely understand where you're coming from. My friend's kid was going to be my ring bearer if I ever got married, no doubt about it. But as he got older, he got really unruly. Now, I'm still not engaged and he's nearing an age where he probably wouldn't want to be bothered doing that. I dodged a bullet, but I don't want you to hold out and not be able to duck quick enough. it's better to nip it in the bud now. So, the next time any of them bring it up, "Thank you, but we're not having a flower girl/ring bearer."

SKPM

Being that your wedding isn't until January, 2015, I would table all WP discussions for about 6 months. I wouldn't even ask the adults (bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc.) until you're 6-9 months out. Use "We haven't selected our wedding party yet" with anyone who asks, and then change the subject. Maybe by next spring/summer you'll have a better feel for whether any of the kids have grown up a bit, or you can decide to nix the kiddies from the WP and communicate that to anyone who asks.

MoonlightSilver

Don't pick your wedding party- kids included- this far out. If anyone starts talking about a kid being in your wedding, just go "Oh, we couldn't possibly even think about that yet, we have so much else to get through first!" and change the subject.

southernbelle0915

The WP is generally selected at about 10 months out. And you don't need a ring bearer or FG at all. Learn to bean dip.

"Omg!!!! The kids will be SO cute in your WP."
"Oh we haven't even talked about that yet. Have your tried this bean dip its great!"
"But they HAVE to be in your WP. They're perfect!"
"Do you think they used black beans in here?"
"Children, children, CHILDREN!!!!!"
"I need this recipe, please excuse me."

silver0319

FI and I were in a similar situation.  Before we even got engaged, a close friend insisted that her daughter be our flower girl.  We told her we hadn't even thought about it yet.  We bean dipped her repeatedly, but she was persistent.  Eventually we told her that we just weren't having kids in the wedding.  She was a little miffed, but she got over it.

The little girl (she's 5) came up to me at a picnic this summer and said, "Auntie Silver, can I throw the flowers at your wedding?"  I told her we weren't having flowers thrown, but that I'd have some coloring books, crayons, and other goodies for her.  She seemed pleased with my response, and merrily skipped away.  

edited for typo

misssunshine17

I think if you want your niece & nephew, then go for it. I think the best way to handle it at this point is to say that you haven't gotten that far into planning and that you'll figure it out in a while. 

EverAfer

The last time I got together with my family, one of my sisters told her kids they'll be my flower girls and the kids got all excited...Right away. I'm not having any flower girls or ring bearer in my wedding. I have 7 BM, no more.  My concern was that I don't want the kids set up for a disappointment.

I like above posts, but if someone close to you won't let you bean dip, nip it right away politely.

vk2204

I wouldn't even start to think about who I want in the WP until May of next year.

melbelleup

Stick to your guns, if you don't want them, don't have them. If they ask, just say you're not having any. I'm having my nephew as a ring bearer (he'll only be 2 1/2) but not a flower girl. My mom keeps constantly telling me I should have my cousin's daughter as a flower girl. Every time I tell her no. I don't want a flower girl. I only want the ring bearer because it's my nephew. Just keep on telling them no, politely of course.