Catholic Weddings

"Independent Catholic Priest"?

Hi,

So for those of you who read my other thread, you'll know that I'm having some difficulty with parishes when it comes to my wedding. For those of you who haven't read it, here's the gist: I want to get married at the church I grew up at, but apparently our registration has lapsed and we are no longer parishioners there, so the pastor is hesitant (possibly outright unwilling) to agree to perform my ceremony because of this. I cannot register as a parishioner where I currently live because I do not maintain a permanent residence (I am a college student and will be moving back home as of May 2014). 

It is seeming as if the pastor at home is going to outright tell me that he is either not comfortable or not able to do my wedding. This is absolutely fine. I don't want anyone thinking I am pitching a fit about this. I understand that as a servant of God he has to do what he believes is God's will for the situation.

The problem is, I know that I want a Catholic ceremony. I know *why* I want a Catholic ceremony. My fiance is even completely on board despite the fact that he is not Catholic. So I figured that maybe I would just have a civil ceremony now and we would have a Catholic ceremony when I join my fiance in Japan (he's in the Navy and currently stationed there). This is not my ideal plan, and from what I've read in a few other threads, this is not the appropriate course of action to take. (Of course, I have yet to see in those threads a situation where the couple has been denied their traditional Catholic ceremony for reasons other than previous marriage/divorce/annulment and whatnot. Maybe I need to read further back, though). 

So as I was looking through the officiants directory here on The Knot, I noticed that there are "independent Catholic priests" who will perform ceremonies outside a traditional church setting. I'm not talking about having a ceremony outdoors or anything, although this is something these "independent priests" do. 

My questions, I guess, are these:

  1. Can someone explain to me just what an "independent Catholic priest" is?
  2. Is having my wedding performed by such an officiant going to still be both valid and sacramental -- would having my wedding be officiated by one of these priests in lieu of a priest at my home parish still count in the eyes of the Church?

Re: "Independent Catholic Priest"?

  • An "independent Catholic priest" is not valid.  Either these are fake "priests" or they're retired priests who are now doing ceremonies outside of the Catholic Church.

    Neither is legitimate.  You need a priest who will perform a valid catholic ceremony in a proper location.  That doesn't always have to be a Catholic church, but a different location would have to be approved by the Bishop (for example, if your FI were protestant and wanted it in his protestant church, you *might* have a chance at that being approved, but normally you need a very compelling reason).  Or there might be a Catholic chapel you could have your wedding at (instead of a normal parish).

    Also, just to be clear, valid=/=sacramental.  If your FI has never been baptized, your marriage won't be sacramental.  That is OK.  That does not mean you have done something wrong or that you can't receive communion.  It's just that if your spouse isn't baptized, he can't receive a sacrament, so the marriage isn't sacramental.  It's still perfectly VALID.

    If your FI is baptized, then you can have a valid AND sacramental wedding.  But you need a legit priest to do a official ceremony.

    I read your other thread, and I'm sorry you're having so much trouble finding a parish to get married at.  Try to talk to your home priest again to explain that you want to be a parishioner there but have just temporarily been located elsewhere at your school.

    If he still will not permit it (I don't know why he wouldn't), then maybe you can find another nearby church who will.  I know some parishes will allow non-members to marry there.  You'll just have to look around.  Hope you find something soon!

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  • I talked to my home priest and I'm really thinking he's going to say no. He has shifted from having a problem with my not being an actual parishioner to the fact apparently my less-than-regular church attendance suggests that I don't want to get married in the church for legitimate reasons, just to get married in a church. I explained to him that this is a decision I have actually put thought into. Honestly, I'm a little shocked that a priest would deny me this... I know that by not going to church regularly, I'm far from being a "good Catholic," but I know plenty of people who were married by their parish priest even though they don't attend Mass regularly. 

    Thank you for answering my question, though! I do appreciate that! :)
  • Well, some priests are just going to be more strict about these things than others.

    I think the issue really comes down to whether you want to practice your faith more fully.  If you do want to try and practice your faith better, which it sounds like you do since you're making a strong effort to get married in the church, then I would approach the priest from that angle.  No one's perfect, but we can all try harder, right?  But if your faith is important, and you do want to live by it, then explain to him that you are trying to practice, and getting married in the church is an important part of that for you.

    I think a lot of priests do worry about people who no longer practice but still want to marry in the church because it's pretty or their family pressured them into it (not saying that's you--just that we do see that from time to time on these boards).  

    But if it's important to you, don't let this discourage you.  Keep talking and be honest with your home priest, and if he still says no, talk to other parishes.  There has to be another church that will marry you.  

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  • I applaud you for being insistent on being married in the Church.  I imagine many brides would not consider this as important to them if they had not been practicing.  Is there a Catholic chapel at or near your school with a priest who might marry you?  My parents and I were members of the parish where I grew up, but I wanted to marry in the city where I was living.  Since I'd been active at the Newman Center of my non-Catholic university, we were married there.  Since your fiance is in the military, there may also be a chapel and Catholic chaplain at a nearby military base where you'd be eligible to marry--I don't know the restrictions on this, but I've known the daughter of an officer whose fiance was not a serviceman to marry at such a site.  While these might not be ideal to you, they are possibilities should you need to seek out other options.  Blessings!
    "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!" (Isaiah 43:1)
  • I think @meltoine had a civil ceremony for deployment reasons and then a Catholic ceremony once her H was available.  The big thing with that is that you'd still be expected to live as if you weren't married and you'd have to have a really good reason to do it.

    Has your mom's membership at this parish lapsed as well as yours? I didn't quite understand that from your post.  Could she help you out by calling the church where you want to be married?
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  • @nickie431: My school is about 3 hours away from where the majority of my family and friends are located. I like your suggestion of contacting a military chaplain. I don't know if that's quite an option for us because he's enlisted, not an officer, but it's definitely worth looking into. 

    We did actually discuss maybe having the Catholic ceremony when I go visit him in February and just having a legal ceremony here when he comes to visit for when we have the wedding planned... is this something I can do? I know it's frowned upon to do it vice versa, and I'm not sure if there's actually a way to separate the two if you're doing the Catholic ceremony first... does anyone know anything about this? This is, of course, something that would only happen if I can't find a priest who can marry us here... which is not something I thought would be so difficult.

    @professorscience: My mom's membership was the family membership, that's why I don't have my own membership. She stopped bothering with the offering envelopes (I don't know if all parishes do that, but that's how they keep track of who actually counts as an active member) once my sister and I got into high school, so I think that is how our membership lapsed. I think she's going to try calling and seeing what she can do, but I'm looking into other local Catholic churches (there are 3 others just in that town) so I'm prepared for the (in my mind inevitable) response from the pastor of my church at home that he won't be able to help us. I'm trying to avoid the "civil ceremony now, Catholic ceremony later" thing because I feel that the reasoning I would have (inability to find a priest to marry us during the timeframe my fiance will be home) isn't quite good enough... at least, there are far better reasons for that than the one I'd give. 
  • This whole situation sounds rather sad to me. I just read your other post - have you had any other communication with the priest besides what you wrote there? Specifically, what I'm wondering is...did any of your communication with the priest contain discussion of *why* you want to be married in a Catholic Church? Because there's a couple of canon law things going on, and either the priest is unaware of them, is rather heartless, or knows some information we don't.
    Once I tell you this information, I'm not sure what to tell you about how to go about explaining this to the priest, but... yeah. hm.

    #1 Can. 518 As a general rule a parish is to be territorial, that is, one which includes all the Christian faithful of a certain territory. -- (this means you, OP. If you're a baptized Catholic, and you have *some* form of residence there, like if you're a college student do you stay there on holidays? Have mail sent there? Etc, then you ARE a parishioner there, whether the priest likes it or not.) 

    #2 You have a "right" to the sacraments.
    Can. 213 — The Christian faithful have the right to receive assistance from the sacred pastors out of the spiritual goods of the Church, especially the word of God and the sacraments.
    Can. 843 — §1. The sacred ministers can not refuse the sacraments to those who ask for them at appropriate times, are properly disposed and are not prohibited by law from receiving them.
    §2. Pastors of souls and the rest of the Christian faithful, according to their ecclesial function, have the duty to see that those who seek the sacraments are prepared to receive them by the necessary evangelization and catechetical formation, taking into account the norms published by the competent authority.

    BUT... are you properly disposed? Basically, that is the only reason under canon law a priest can refuse them in this scenario. Does the current priest have reason to think either you are or aren't? Have you been attending church while at college? Or do you plan on raising your children Catholic? If either of these are "no," then with good reason the priest might be thinking that you do not understand the seriousness of being married in a Catholic church, and what it means, and therefore are not "properly disposed." But, if you haven't discussed a possible marriage in that level of depth with him via email yet, then at the very least he "owes" you (as one of his parishioners!) a more serious conversation about why or why not he thinks you are disposed to get married in the Church.
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  • @lalaith50 -- My most recent email to the priest did include my reasons for why getting married in the Church is important to me. He has not yet responded (I didn't expect him to respond yesterday -- after all, it was Sunday). I don't go to church as frequently as I *should*, but I do go. 
  • Well and how is he to know how often you go to church?  When H and I were dating, we were finishing college 3 1/2 hours apart.  We were from the same hometown so our weekends were split between my place, his place and our hometown.  Needless to say we obviously didn't attend the same church every weekend, but we did attend a church every weekend.
  • I gathered that she told the priest she didn't attend every week. 
  • Yeah, I figured that honesty was the best policy -- especially considering he's a priest and all. :-P Of all the people I could possibly lie to ever (because no one's perfect) a priest should definitely not be on the list. 

    Oh! And just in case anyone was wondering but hadn't seen it on my other thread, the associate pastor at my home parish has agreed to work with us. What a relief! 
  • A catholic military chaplain will work with you regardless of whether your FI is enlisted or an officer. They are there to serve everyone. I'm glad you have found a solution!
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