Am I being selfish? (Long)

CASK85

buddysmom80

bubbles053009 said:

minskat30 said:

Ok you missed my point so I'm going to restate it even though you are making me want to pull my hair out.  Stop wasting time doing things like playing video games and watching TV as a means to take care of yourself.  Those things are great if you've got all your shit together (or relatively together) but they are the kind of mind-numbing things you do to take care of yourself.  They are easy.  Therapy and self-improvement is difficult so I get the reluctance to take the first step but you aren't going to get a lot of sympathy from me on this point.  I have a job where I work anywhere between 8-20 hour days, I did this while taking care of my dying father while planning a wedding, I needed therapy for all of that so what did I do?  I found the time for therapy.  If that meant skipping lunch, lunch was skipped (or eaten on route).  THAT is making your well being and mental health a priority.

That is a very valid point, though with my current temp position, I take my lunch when I can get a chance. And usually it's just a quick 15 minute lunch. I live in one town with my parents while working in another town about a 20 minute ride from home. I prefer for things like doctors and such to be closer to home, though I know not everything can be. I took down a number of a place in the next city over to look into therapy/counseling. I will be calling when I leave work today though I'm still hesitant to do that.

My first counselor was recommended to me by my old primary care and she was good for a while. But after a while, I just didn't have anything else to talk about and felt it was a waste of my time. Hopefully that won't happen this time around.

Why are you hesitant? Is it because you're worried another stranger will tell you your relationship is all sorts of backwards????

GoldenPenguin

bubbles053009 said:

minskat30 said:

Ok you missed my point so I'm going to restate it even though you are making me want to pull my hair out.  Stop wasting time doing things like playing video games and watching TV as a means to take care of yourself.  Those things are great if you've got all your shit together (or relatively together) but they are the kind of mind-numbing things you do to take care of yourself.  They are easy.  Therapy and self-improvement is difficult so I get the reluctance to take the first step but you aren't going to get a lot of sympathy from me on this point.  I have a job where I work anywhere between 8-20 hour days, I did this while taking care of my dying father while planning a wedding, I needed therapy for all of that so what did I do?  I found the time for therapy.  If that meant skipping lunch, lunch was skipped (or eaten on route).  THAT is making your well being and mental health a priority.

That is a very valid point, though with my current temp position, I take my lunch when I can get a chance. And usually it's just a quick 15 minute lunch. I live in one town with my parents while working in another town about a 20 minute ride from home. I prefer for things like doctors and such to be closer to home, though I know not everything can be. I took down a number of a place in the next city over to look into therapy/counseling. I will be calling when I leave work today though I'm still hesitant to do that.

My first counselor was recommended to me by my old primary care and she was good for a while. But after a while, I just didn't have anything else to talk about and felt it was a waste of my time. Hopefully that won't happen this time around.

I don't see this being a problem now. 

phira

At this point it's just

CLoGreenEyes

Therapists and counselors ask you questions and try to "analyze" you because they want to HELP YOU. They are professionals who are specially trained to assist you in achieving whatever goals you have for your sessions. Is it uncomfortable? Definitely! But don't make the mistake of thinking it is done at your expense for their own amusement.

Swazzle

bubbles053009 said:

buddysmom80 said:

bubbles053009 said:

minskat30 said:

Ok you missed my point so I'm going to restate it even though you are making me want to pull my hair out.  Stop wasting time doing things like playing video games and watching TV as a means to take care of yourself.  Those things are great if you've got all your shit together (or relatively together) but they are the kind of mind-numbing things you do to take care of yourself.  They are easy.  Therapy and self-improvement is difficult so I get the reluctance to take the first step but you aren't going to get a lot of sympathy from me on this point.  I have a job where I work anywhere between 8-20 hour days, I did this while taking care of my dying father while planning a wedding, I needed therapy for all of that so what did I do?  I found the time for therapy.  If that meant skipping lunch, lunch was skipped (or eaten on route).  THAT is making your well being and mental health a priority.

That is a very valid point, though with my current temp position, I take my lunch when I can get a chance. And usually it's just a quick 15 minute lunch. I live in one town with my parents while working in another town about a 20 minute ride from home. I prefer for things like doctors and such to be closer to home, though I know not everything can be. I took down a number of a place in the next city over to look into therapy/counseling. I will be calling when I leave work today though I'm still hesitant to do that.

My first counselor was recommended to me by my old primary care and she was good for a while. But after a while, I just didn't have anything else to talk about and felt it was a waste of my time. Hopefully that won't happen this time around.

Why are you hesitant? Is it because you're worried another stranger will tell you your relationship is all sorts of backwards????

No. I'm hesitant because I really don't like having people psychoanalyze me at all. A therapist or a counselor will sit there and analyze everything I say and much like the women on this site, twist what I say.

You and everyone here may feel that my relationship is backwards or unhealthy or shit like that, but I know what I feel and how I feel about my BF. He has shown me how to be happy without having to worry about pleasing my parents at every step. All other guys I tried to be with treated me like shit and stomped all over me and my heart. My BF has never done so.

Trust me when I say this, but I am no fucking doormat to my BF or any man in my life. I am done with people using me. You women remind of how I felt in high school. You act nice to me, try to be friendly and then just go and tear me apart the next minute.

buddysmom80

bubbles053009 said:

buddysmom80 said:

bubbles053009 said:

minskat30 said:

Ok you missed my point so I'm going to restate it even though you are making me want to pull my hair out.  Stop wasting time doing things like playing video games and watching TV as a means to take care of yourself.  Those things are great if you've got all your shit together (or relatively together) but they are the kind of mind-numbing things you do to take care of yourself.  They are easy.  Therapy and self-improvement is difficult so I get the reluctance to take the first step but you aren't going to get a lot of sympathy from me on this point.  I have a job where I work anywhere between 8-20 hour days, I did this while taking care of my dying father while planning a wedding, I needed therapy for all of that so what did I do?  I found the time for therapy.  If that meant skipping lunch, lunch was skipped (or eaten on route).  THAT is making your well being and mental health a priority.

That is a very valid point, though with my current temp position, I take my lunch when I can get a chance. And usually it's just a quick 15 minute lunch. I live in one town with my parents while working in another town about a 20 minute ride from home. I prefer for things like doctors and such to be closer to home, though I know not everything can be. I took down a number of a place in the next city over to look into therapy/counseling. I will be calling when I leave work today though I'm still hesitant to do that.

My first counselor was recommended to me by my old primary care and she was good for a while. But after a while, I just didn't have anything else to talk about and felt it was a waste of my time. Hopefully that won't happen this time around.

Why are you hesitant? Is it because you're worried another stranger will tell you your relationship is all sorts of backwards????

No. I'm hesitant because I really don't like having people psychoanalyze me at all. A therapist or a counselor will sit there and analyze everything I say and much like the women on this site, twist what I say.

You and everyone here may feel that my relationship is backwards or unhealthy or shit like that, but I know what I feel and how I feel about my BF. He has shown me how to be happy without having to worry about pleasing my parents at every step. All other guys I tried to be with treated me like shit and stomped all over me and my heart. My BF has never done so.

Trust me when I say this, but I am no fucking doormat to my BF or any man in my life. I am done with people using me. You women remind of how I felt in high school. You act nice to me, try to be friendly and then just go and tear me apart the next minute.

GoldenPenguin

bubbles053009 said:

No. I'm hesitant because I really don't like having people psychoanalyze me at all. A therapist or a counselor will sit there and analyze everything I say and much like the women on this site, twist what I say.

You and everyone here may feel that my relationship is backwards or unhealthy or shit like that, but I know what I feel and how I feel about my BF. He has shown me how to be happy without having to worry about pleasing my parents at every step. All other guys I tried to be with treated me like shit and stomped all over me and my heart. My BF has never done so.

Trust me when I say this, but I am no fucking doormat to my BF or any man in my life. I am done with people using me. You women remind of how I felt in high school. You act nice to me, try to be friendly and then just go and tear me apart the next minute.

This is NOT true, and probably why your past counselor didn't work out for you, because you also have a warped view of what therapy and counseling is. A counselor will listen to your experiences, your thoughts, and your feelings, and HELP YOU DEAL WITH THEM. They will help you make better choices, that will, in turn, help you become a better person. 

And then, you will look back on all of the shitty choices you made and go "OMG. I can't believe I thought that was healthy." 

Will they probably call you out on your shitty choices? YUP. Are they going to accept your backtracking and changing stories? NOPE. Here's the important part - DON'T LIE TO YOUR THERAPIST. They can't help you when you don't tell them the whole story. Don't tell them what YOU think sounds good. Tell them the truth. They can't help you be better if you don't let them.

minskat30

OP- I'm hardly tearing you apart and I think of lot of people on this board have given you solid advice you don't want to take.  You don't have to take it, that is your choice, but you can't ask for opinions and then get mad when you get them from all of our respective perspectives.  And therapists don't twist what you say (at least not good ones).  Therapists have different styles, for sure, (see: http://jgs.net/therapy/different_styles_of_therapy/). Some therapists actively analyze your past, some focus on the now, some just listen, some give you lots of guidance, some give you little guidance and let you find your own way.  The point is you have to try to find what works for you.  The only way you can do that is to try.

Swazzle

Know what's funny? The actual OP of this thread is going to have 23908472389742389 notifications when she comes back. 

loves2shop4shoes

Let me tell you a true story about my first serious BF.

I loved him with every fiber of my being.  I would've done ANYTHING for him.  He treated me poorly.  His family treated my poorly.  He was verbally and emotionally abusive.  He prioritized his frat brothers over me ALL.THE.TIME.  If we disagreed, he would say HORRIBLE, hurtful things to me.  I constantly tip-toed around him all the time.  I did things for him.  ALL the time.  He never went out of his way to do anything for me. 

Every single person I knew that even REMOTELY cared about me told me to leave him.  His OWN friends, family, and frat brothers told me to leave him.  There was not a single person who knew of our relationship that told me to stay.  And I stayed because I "loved him".

Let me tell you what I've learned since.  Loving someone doesn't mean loving them above yourself.  Loving someone doesn't give them the right to mistreat you or disrespect you.  Indeed, anyone that truly loves you back would NEVER do that.  Loving someone doesn't mean that you always give and they always take.  Loving someone means being COMPLETELY yourself and not worrying that they will leave you.  Loving someone means feeling completely safe while being completely vulnerable with them.  Loving someone means not constantly excusing his bad behavior.

Eventually, my ex did me the biggest favor anyone has ever done for me...and he broke up with me so he could whore around for the remainder of college.  After a few months, he began begging me to get back together.  I will always wish him well, but I'd never go back to that.

Blackbird230

Seconding the @loves2shop4shoes. It's not always obvious when something's not right. Geez I was in a relationship that my younger self thought was the world. My friends felt like NOT bringing it up to me and they should have. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. When we fought, it always turned around to being my fault. It was never his. There was never any compromise. And I being stupidly what I now kind of know as Stockholm's syndrome, WENT BACK TO HIM AS A FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. Yeah, stupidity. It took me awhile to find current BF and understand how couples and compromise and things were supposed to work. "Love" makes you blind sometimes.

minskat30

@swazzle - Ha!  Sorry, I didn't notice that the OP wasn't @bubbles053009.

@bubbles053009 - I'm glad you'll seek some help out. 

@loves2shop4shoes - I think you hit it on the head. 

phira

Anything that's like, "My partner is the world to me," or "They made me the person I am today" really freaks me out. Is that just me?

queenofhearts1728

phira said: Anything that's like, "My partner is the world to me," or "They made me the person I am today" really freaks me out. Is that just me? I think I might have used this phrase =X I don't know that I've used it exactly, but my BF has made me a better person. Admittedly, I'm not a great communicator and I've got far too much anxiety for my own good.  He (and therapy, let's be honest) have helped me overcome that and i'm able to talk to him about things that matter without shutting down or shutting him out.  But without his patience and support, I don't think I'd ever have worked on those issues.  I would have just accepted it as 'the way I am'

The whole concept of a world revolving around another person, however, definitely freaks me out.

500days

Wowie. Here are my thoughts after reading all of this insanity. Pure insanity thinking that if you post the same garbage under a different name that you'll get different responses. Pure insanity thinking that TK memory doesn't exist. Like I suggested BEFORE @bubbles053009 don't post shit here if you don't want someone's input. For all I know you could be so nuts that you're making all of this up and you're a drama queen loving the turmoil that you create. But, I'm gonna go with you are for real and desperately need to grow up and accept that you keep on talking about this stuff because you know something is NOT RIGHT. An entire community has come out to try and convey this to you, but you won't budge. Do you see how this is pure insanity?

bride2b71614

As someone who is studying  social work I am going to put in my .02

@Bubbles053009, I understand where you are coming from. You love him. You are going through a really shitty time, and from what you have posted with this user name, and your past one, the relationship you have with your BF has a lot of ups and downs. I see that you are interested in getting help, yet you are ambivalent. You mentioned that is a counselor's job to psychoanalyze an individual. In some cases, yes that is accurate. A "good/decent" counselor is supposed to find the person's strengths, and teach the person how to utilize them in order to lead a better life. You need to find a counselor that you get along with. It might take a few tries to find one that works for you. You need to take the time in your life to do this. Will the counselor agree with everything that you say? Of course not. Will they give you suggestions? Yep. Do you have to listen to those suggestions? No, but you can pick and choose which suggestions you want to listen to/follow through with. Good luck.

bethsmiles

WTF happened here? Work/School is seriously getting in the way of keeping up with the TK drama!

lennonkdc

So, when we do NEY superlatives this better win Most Epic Threadjack Evar

Aschive

Ok so I did come come back and had 104 notifications and when I realized it was another thread in my thread, I was a tad disappointed. But I got over it. Haha. I was reading this and I am really hoping that I don't sound that silly. I understand where she is coming from but at the same time not. I am going to go under-fire for this comment but oh well. For the people who actually took time to comment about MY POST thanks! I talked it out with my BF and I decided to move home for a week or a month and see how it goes. Since I mentioned it we have been talking it out and working on our problems as they arise in our relationship. So I feel like things are going better. As far as living on my own, I have not figured that part out yet and I honestly feel like I will work that out if I ever need to. I am able to get a job back home whenever I need it so I have a fall back plan if my relationship doesn't work out. @minskat30 was that OP post for me or the other poster that took over this thread?

CLoGreenEyes

@aschive, so glad to hear you guys are talking, communicating, and getting ready to move out for a little while. I think that will really help both of you to focus on your relationship without unnecessary added pressure right now. Good luck, let us know how it's going!

And I apologize for my part in the thread-jacking, haha. Hope you enjoyed reading it!

suzie211

How did I miss this thread, it made my day!





I started in and thought I should get comfortable for this...




Hmmm, this would've made it better:





I love all you ladies!

minskat30

@aschive - Not meant for you.  I forgot who the OP was in this thread.   

lennonkdc

@aschive, sorry that you were epicly thread jacked. It was rude and we should have told bubbleharrison to start a new thread. 

I'm glad you and your BF are talking, and I hope you're going to be contacting your local planned parenthood or school clinic for BC. It sucks trying to find the right method, but it would suck soooo much worse to have a kid. You and your BF have a much better shot at getting through your early 20's together if you wait until you're really ready to have kids. So think of it as one other thing you're doing for your own success and that of your relationship. 

Also, FWIW, holidays are hard. They are hard when you are younger and in a relationship and your parents still expect you to be their 'kid' and do what has always been done. They are hard when you're an adult and in a relationship- trying to balance everyone wants. But relationships are about compromise, and you and your BF need to talk it out in a calm manner and come up with a solution that works for both of you. 

Swazzle

Aschive said:

Ok so I did come come back and had 104 notifications and when I realized it was another thread in my thread, I was a tad disappointed. But I got over it. Haha. I was reading this and I am really hoping that I don't sound that silly. I understand where she is coming from but at the same time not. I am going to go under-fire for this comment but oh well. For the people who actually took time to comment about MY POST thanks! I talked it out with my BF and I decided to move home for a week or a month and see how it goes. Since I mentioned it we have been talking it out and working on our problems as they arise in our relationship. So I feel like things are going better. As far as living on my own, I have not figured that part out yet and I honestly feel like I will work that out if I ever need to. I am able to get a job back home whenever I need it so I have a fall back plan if my relationship doesn't work out. @minskat30 was that OP post for me or the other poster that took over this thread?

Did you figure out your birth control situation?

Aschive

I have not figured it out yet. I am thinking that I am going to do the pill again, but I want to find a place that I can get it free without it going on my parents insurance. So I am in a researching stage right now and not active while I am looking.

KeptInStitches

Look into Planned Parenthood - they do birth control on a sliding scale based on income. Also see if your pill is available generic. Otherwise price-shop around pharmacies. Good luck! Even if free isn't a reality, reduced certainly could be.

phira

I'm reasonably sure that with the Affordable Care Act, your pill should be free. Planned Parenthood would know for sure, though.

psychbabe314

Aschive said:

I have not figured it out yet. I am thinking that I am going to do the pill again, but I want to find a place that I can get it free without it going on my parents insurance. So I am in a researching stage right now and not active while I am looking.

I'm surprise yours is not free. We have a grocery store in town that offers their own brand of insurance. You just have to register, there is not charge, but it makes my BC free. But, I am back on my parents insurance and it is still free. You might want to go to the Dr. get a prescription and just ask them to verify a price for you at your local grocery store, just to see.

Aschive

I used to get it for free then I moved to a different state. Since I have a different state on my DL I am not able to do that in the new state I am in. I went to the doctor and it was free. I just don't want my dad getting it on his insurance bill. I know that is stupid but I would rather it either be coming out of my pocket or I will just travel the 45 minutes to get it from planned parenthood.