Bridesmaids... I want you out, all of you!

nannersbanners

My FI decided in August to get married in November... We've been waiting 10 years and we are ready! I always imagined my sister by my side but she is a world away and can't make it, so bummed. I decided to ask 1, then 2, and.... now I have 5 - oh, & I might mention they don't know each other (what was I thinking)! I feel like I over compensated because my sister cant make it by asking too many girls, I just got excited about a wedding. I thought it was going to be fun and easy but, it is the exact opposite. I have the busiest working BM's and I can't even get them together to go dress shopping, I was lucky to get a dinner in. I can get them all separately on their terms, but this makes it harder on me. I need easy with this destination DIY weekend wedding.

Would you be offended if I asked you to do everything a BM does but minus walking down the isle, buying the attire, & having a bachelorette or bridal party? I I don't want to put anyone out and quite frankly, I expected more.. I always expect what I would do and it never happens, I'm 31 will this ever end!? One BM is worried about cost which is understandable. I still want them to stay in the hotel with me so I can give them all their special gifts, their bouquet and such I just want them out, lol!

I have discussed this w/ my FI and he wants me to follow my heart BUT... I feel bad for his groomsmen. I am a fool! I never ever wanted bridesmaids, what did I get myself into...  As of yet the girls are not out anything and I do love them dearly.

Do I suck it up or follow my gut and break the new to the FI?

dharmabunny

So what exactly is a bridesmaid "supposed" to do?

mrsconn23

nannersbanners said:

My FI decided in August to get married in November... We've been waiting 10 years and we are ready! I always imagined my sister by my side but she is a world away and can't make it, so bummed. I decided to ask 1, then 2, and.... now I have 5 - oh, & I might mention they don't know each other (what was I thinking)! I feel like I over compensated because my sister cant make it by asking too many girls, I just got excited about a wedding. I thought it was going to be fun and easy but, it is the exact opposite. I have the busiest working BM's and I can't even get them together to go dress shopping, I was lucky to get a dinner in. I can get them all separately on their terms, but this makes it harder on me. I need easy with this destination DIY weekend wedding.

Would you be offended if I asked you to do everything a BM does but minus walking down the isle, buying the attire, & having a bachelorette or bridal party? I I don't want to put anyone out and quite frankly, I expected more.. I always expect what I would do and it never happens, I'm 31 will this ever end!? One BM is worried about cost which is understandable. I still want them to stay in the hotel with me so I can give them all their special gifts, their bouquet and such I just want them out, lol!

I have discussed this w/ my FI and he wants me to follow my heart BUT... I feel bad for his groomsmen. I am a fool! I never ever wanted bridesmaids, what did I get myself into...  As of yet the girls are not out anything and I do love them dearly.

Do I suck it up or follow my gut and break the new to the FI?

Uhm...all a BM *needs* to do is buy a dress and walk down the aisle. 

If you're 31, that would make your friends close to that age as well.  I'd bet they have careers, families,  lives, etc. that take up their time.  Why can't you just pick a color and tell them to find a dress?  What else do you expect them to do for your wedding? 

6fsn

I don't understand what you want them to do either.  You also don't need everyone to try on dresses.  The only time I went dress shopping (in the 9 weddings I've been in) was when we picked our own dress.  For my wedding and all the others people called in a size.

 

PirateBarbie

nannersbanners said:

My FI decided in August to get married in November... We've been waiting 10 years and we are ready! I always imagined my sister by my side but she is a world away and can't make it, so bummed. I decided to ask 1, then 2, and.... now I have 5 - oh, & I might mention they don't know each other (what was I thinking)! I feel like I over compensated because my sister cant make it by asking too many girls, I just got excited about a wedding. I thought it was going to be fun and easy but, it is the exact opposite. I have the busiest working BM's and I can't even get them together to go dress shopping, I was lucky to get a dinner in. I can get them all separately on their terms, but this makes it harder on me. I need easy with this destination DIY weekend wedding.

Would you be offended if I asked you to do everything a BM does but minus walking down the isle, buying the attire, & having a bachelorette or bridal party? I I don't want to put anyone out and quite frankly, I expected more.. I always expect what I would do and it never happens, I'm 31 will this ever end!? One BM is worried about cost which is understandable. I still want them to stay in the hotel with me so I can give them all their special gifts, their bouquet and such I just want them out, lol!

I have discussed this w/ my FI and he wants me to follow my heart BUT... I feel bad for his groomsmen. I am a fool! I never ever wanted bridesmaids, what did I get myself into...  As of yet the girls are not out anything and I do love them dearly.

Do I suck it up or follow my gut and break the new to the FI?

WTELF are you talking about? 

this is what I got:

*your sister can't make it for your speedy wedding, so you asked 5 people to be bridesmaids

*you're pissed that your bridesmaids haven't dropped everything in their lives to be your brideslaves and do nothing but your bidding/plan your wedding/shop for your dress/etc. for the next 3 months

*you want to fire all of them?

*something about impact on groomsmen and your FI

*you're "31" but acting 15. 

NOLABridesmaid

I want to know how well that convo goes over with the ladies.

 

nannersbanners

dharmabunny I just expect these girls to get excited with me. mrs.conn23 Yes, you're right on regarding schedules. I thought of this or just finding something online and having them buy it however, they all want to try it on on their own time. I'd like to know what they are wearing... Maybe it's me not being so flexible? Regarding dropping the party, is it unbelievably rude? Would you be offended?

nannersbanners

NOLABridesmaid haha, me too!

VarunaTT

yes, it un unbelievably rude and I would be highly offended if your reason for asking me out of your wedding was YOUR inconvenience.

No one is as excited about your wedding as you are  You're 31, you should really have learned this lesson by now (no one is as excited about your life decisions as you are).

You're 31, I'm assuming your BMs are close in age.  So THEY have career and lives to be excited about and pay attention to as well.  You should realize that and work with it as much as possible. 

Seriously, you need to pull the blinders off your eyes here.  You're being incredibly selfish and outright ridiculous.

nannersbanners

 I'm not angry, I am overwhelmed. I want to enjoy this, not fret it. I don't want to stress my BM's over finance and schedules.

mrsconn23

Personally, if someone asked me to be in their wedding and later decided that she didn't want to have a wedding party and I hadn't purchased anything to be in their wedding, I'd probably be relieved.  I love my friends and family dearly, but being a BM can be a racket and it's expensive.  I've done that rodeo a few times and it's enough.

You're having a last minute wedding.  I think you're being a little unreasonable.  Yes, you need to be more flexible or drop the wedding party all together.

No one is going to be more excited than you are about your wedding.  And if you're an uptight, inflexible bride with high expectations, people are going to be even less excited.

NOLABridesmaid

Nanner, what makes you think they aren't excited? They're level will never be on you're level.

VarunaTT

nannersbanners said:

 I'm not angry, I am overwhelmed. I want to enjoy this, not fret it. I don't want to stress my BM's over finance and schedules.

This is not how you're coming across in your OP.

At least if you drop the entire wedding party, no one can take it totally personally.  I think you probably should do that, b/c quite frankly you're coming across as self centered and selfish, not thinking of your BMs needs.

nannersbanners

VarunaTT  Thank you, I needed this. Ugh!

mrsconn23

nannersbanners said:

 I'm not angry, I am overwhelmed. I want to enjoy this, not fret it. I don't want to stress my BM's over finance and schedules.

I vote for no bridal party then.  Seriously.

Are you new?  Put yourself in their shoes.  You really have all the time in the world with a free schedule and money to just be in a wedding whenever, with 2-3 month notice?  Really? 

NOLABridesmaid

Pick two dresses that you like and email them pics. Have them choose the one they like. Go with the top choice. If you only hear back from one lady, then roll with that one.

hmonkey

or pick a color and let them pick whatever dress they want. (hint: pick black)

nannersbanners

mrs.conn23  Thank you. I am far from the uptight, inflexible bride however; I do have high expectations. I am am thinking just that, who has $ to throw down in 2 mo notice before Christmas and Thanksgiving!?

VarunaTT -  I'm the cheapest person you will meet, but I believe in taking care of people and presentation. This is what I have provided: 2 Hotel Room Suites, Make-Up & Hair, Spa Day... $20 toward their dress. Please tell me what else I can provide for my BM's?

NOLABridesmaid  That's a great idea too! Yes, I am on my own level aren't I. I need to check myself! 

NOLABridesmaid

H, but then one girl is going to roll up in something hoochie mama, and then we have another problem.:)

nannersbanners

NOLABridesmaid Words right out of my mouth! And the style these days... They are so short!

nannersbanners

hmonkey speak the truth even if your voice cracks... I don't believe I'm need to stand here in the wrong. I do believe I feel guilty and have a conscious and don't want to regret any further unthought of decisions. Black!? Everyone wears black!

NOLABridesmaid

So, who are these ladies that you picked. Family, college friends. Relationships change over the years, and they might be surprised you even asked them. They might have picked up on the vibe that they are fillers, you know what I'm saying.

I'm glad you stuck around to answer questions. I hate when chicks don't stick around.

hmonkey

nannersbanners said:

Black!? Everyone wears black!

so that means they can either wear something they already have or wear it again?

if you want to be soooo unique, make everyone dress as their favorite gaga moment.

if you don't want a hoochie dress, specify it has to be at least knee length.

VarunaTT

See, you're bargaining here:

 

"I've provided this, and this, and this, and this, and this...what else can I give you so that you'll do what I want!!!???"  Wanting either more excitement or major rearranging of schedules so that five people can meet.

Neither of which you have the right to ask for in their personal lives.

So, stop bargaining with them and with yourself.  Either you need to be straight up with what it is you think they need to be doing, be honest with them and let them decide if they can do it (and probably secretly resent you or they'll drop out) or drop the entire party like you're thinking.

 

PirateBarbie

i vote that you use @hmonkey's suggestion of having these women dress in their favorite Gaga -inspired outfit. 

you could make this into a survivor-style contest and weekly/bi-weekly vote women out of the bridal party. whoever wins, gets to walk down your "isle" in a replica of the meat dress. you provide the meat dress and styling. this way you don't need to feel bad about firing people because they're not meeting your unrealistic expectations, and it's budget friendly for the winning girl. 

nannersbanners

At this point I think I know what I need to do... Thanks ladies!

really PirateBarbie ... that is your best sarcastic comment... you're interpretation is way off from factual and have nothing sincere to offer.

VarunaTT I'm not trying to brag, nor trying to buy my girls... I wanted to see if PirateBarbie can offer anything other than rudeness.  Sincerely, what do BM's need other than what I am providing b/c I am confused. What else does the Bride and Groom provide?

hmonkey you're onto something good, a slight inspiring moment!

 

PirateBarbie

that was 100% sincere. 

FiancB

In the end, this is your wedding and like others said, nobody cares about it as much as you. All people are mostly concerned with themselves. You are mostly concerned with your wedding while they are mostly concerned with their day to day lives. 

Put yourself into any one of their shoes. Would you really drop everything to be at their side at a moment's notice, especially when you only knew this wedding was going to be happening for a couple months? Would you be THAT EXCITED that omg this girl that isn't your sister is getting married and get caught up in all the minute details? 

I doubt it. 

This is your wedding to plan. Any help your BMs give on top of standing next to you at the ceremony is an added bonus. As far as getting your BMs together, plan something, give as much notice as possible and then whoever shows up shows up. My BMs are all on the other side of the country so only one managed to go dress shopping with me. It's not the end of the world. You don't need every one of them present for every little thing, and honestly getting opposing opinions on what you want will just confuse you anyway. 

If you want to reduce your BP size, I would probably not ask them to leave but say something like "if it's too much time/money and you don't really want to be a BM, I totally understand". Give them the opportunity to opt out, or decide not to have a bridal party at all. I wouldn't un-ask select people after having already asked. 

nannersbanners

Thanks for all the brutal yet nicely put advise ladies, it was much needed.

 PirateBarbie Your comments are pretty humorous today... Yesterday was not my day!

vainemerald

nannersbanners I wanted to touch on the fact that these girls are your friends first and foremost. Un-asking them to stand up for you is bound to create some sort of strife and I'll bet even though they aren't completely meeting your expectations, they are probably really excited! I disagree with PP about what expectations you should set for your WP. Their attitude is none whatsoever, I don't agree. I had one of my maids tell me that "we're here to give you support to all these ups and downs of planning one of the biggest celebrations of your life". It is important to lay out these expectations ahead of time especially of any of these girls aren't married or have never been in a wedding. That way they have an opportunity to back out or say no. I say suck it up girl! You asked them for a reason and you should stick with your decision. Good luck!! Oh and congratulations on marrying your love after 10 years!! Wow! I thought my 6 was a lot

dalm0m

I was an older bride.  As children my BFFs & I all promised we'd be in each others bridal parties.  Nobody got married young.  After the 1st girl got married in our mid 30s we were all over the whole BM thing.  When I got engaged, I took them all out to dinner, my treat.  I could see by their faces they were like "oh no, here it comes, another matchy matchy dress I'll never wear."  Instead I announced I wanted all of us to be released from our vow but I still hoped I could count on them for a few things:  I asked if they would help expedite the gift unwrapping & keep track of who gave what at the shower & if they would "throw" a me low key bachelorette "party" i.e. take me out, just us girls, to our local favorite bar for a drink.  I also said if they really wanted the whole roller coaster & the matching dresses, majority ruled & they could vote to do that.  They were all thrilled with my original plan & were there for me in most every other way but there were times I was sad because they weren't more excited about my big day.  Every bride gets a little self centered in the process.

If these women haven't spent any money yet, I think you might actually be doing them a favor by saying you have re-thought your vision & realized that with their hectic schedules you are imposing too much on them & you are releasing them from their obligation.

Otherwise, pick a dress, without input from them.  Keep it as inexpensive as possible.  Tell them where they can go to the store to try it on & buy it & be done with it.  Dress selection is one of the few places in your wedding where you do get get to be a dictator if you want.

Revise your own expectations to understand that this group of women doesn't have the time or interest to be your entourage during the wedding planning process & stop trying to plan group activities. You will all be much happier.