Dear Prudence,
I'm a 50-year-old professional man. I married my college sweetheart and
we've been happily married for almost 30 years. We have two grown
children who are doing well. About four years ago, my wife had breast
cancer, a mastectomy, and chemotherapy. It was traumatic and after her
treatment she told me that she was no longer interested in sex. I
figured the experience, understandably, might make her shy away from
intimacy for a while. I've said that I still love her more than anyone
in the world, and that she's beautiful to me, which is true. From time
to time, I've told her that I miss intimacy with her. She's thanked me
for the compliment, but it hasn't gone any further than that. One of my
hobbies is photography, and sometimes I've been asked to take pictures
of rock bands. Three weeks ago I was at a club and a twentysomething man
walked up to me. He said, "This band has a large gay following. Are you
gay?" I said, “No. I'm married. I'm just here to take photos." He said,
“Well, I think you're hot. If you're bi-curious, my apartments is
nearby." Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. He was young,
and handsome. I thought, "Why the hell not?" We went to his place and
had (safe) sex. I'd never had sex with a man before. I found it to be
interesting and enjoyable, but not something I'd been longing for all of
my life. What I did I find that I longed for was the passion. Three
times that night, he said, "You are such a sexy man." No one had ever
said to me before and I keep hearing those words in my head. Since then,
I've had a bunch of conflicted feelings. I feel sad about betraying my
wife. I also keep scanning crowds to see if I can find that guy again. I
don't think that it's the sex that I want, so much as the passion and
appreciation. I would like to find some way to explain my feelings to my
wife, but I can't tell her about the one-night stand. She's not
homophobic, but the fact that I've strayed outside of marriage would be
painful for her. Your thoughts?