Moms and Maids

MIA Maids

Hey everyone!

My fiancé and I are getting married in May in Mexico, and we’re doing another party in New York. Because it’s a destination wedding, it’s been generally low key in stress. We haven’t stressed too much and if the only thing I’m worried about is getting a hold of the resort’s hair and makeup team, I consider it good so far.

However, we have started to plan our party following the wedding and I’ve been finding that my maids are not much help at all. I haven’t asked too much, and I just wanted to bounce some ideas off of them. While one maid is out of town and is in two other weddings, I totally understand she’s got a lot on her plate. However, I’m feeling like a few of the girls I choose to be in my party aren’t really helping out and are just along for the ride. I even wanted to see if they wanted to get together for brunch and I haven’t heard much of a peep from two of them. (I have 5 ladies standing up with me.)

Am I jumping to conclusions? I don’t think I’m asking for a whole lot, but if they can’t even email me back, is it too late to cut them out of the wedding? How would I go about doing that without hurting their feelings? (We haven’t even sent out the save the dates, but they are going out this week.) I’m ok with doing this alone or with a couple of my friends, but I just don’t want them to come back and say they helped the whole way when I needed someone to lean on much earlier.

I mean if they can’t even get together for brunch or let alone email me back are they really going to step up to the plate down the line?

What are your thoughts? 

Re: MIA Maids

  • Hey everyone!

    My fiancé and I are getting married in May in Mexico, and we’re doing another party in New York. Because it’s a destination wedding, it’s been generally low key in stress. We haven’t stressed too much and if the only thing I’m worried about is getting a hold of the resort’s hair and makeup team, I consider it good so far.

    However, we have started to plan our party following the wedding and I’ve been finding that my maids are not much help at all. I haven’t asked too much, and I just wanted to bounce some ideas off of them. While one maid is out of town and is in two other weddings, I totally understand she’s got a lot on her plate. However, I’m feeling like a few of the girls I choose to be in my party aren’t really helping out and are just along for the ride. I even wanted to see if they wanted to get together for brunch and I haven’t heard much of a peep from two of them. (I have 5 ladies standing up with me.)

    Am I jumping to conclusions? I didn't read any conclusions? I don’t think I’m asking for a whole lot, but if they can’t even email me back, is it too late to cut them out of the wedding? Whoa, that's super drastic. Cutting someone out of a wedding is a friendship ending move. How would I go about doing that without hurting their feelings?You can't, really. Cutting someone out of your wedding WILL hurt their feelings. How would you feel? (We haven’t even sent out the save the dates, but they are going out this week.) I’m ok with doing this alone or with a couple of my friends, but I just don’t want them to come back and say they helped the whole way when I needed someone to lean on much earlier.

    I mean if they can’t even get together for brunch or let alone email me back are they really going to step up to the plate down the line? Step up to what plate? All a BM needs to do is buy a dress you specify and show up to the wedding on time and sober. That's it. 

    What are your thoughts?  I think you are expecting too much. I also think you should try contacting these women about non-wedding stuff. Obviously they're super busy and it's causing them to avoid wedding stuff. Ask about what's going on in their lives and how YOU can help THEM.

    It kind of sounds like you want wedding planning buddies and you're being let down that they don't want to help. This isn't the BMs "job". If they want to help, they'll offer. If they don't, that's what your FI is for. Bounce your ideas off him and have him help you with whatever it is you need help with. Or hire a wedding planner. 

    Your BMs are there because they're your dearest friends and their purpose is to stand up by you at the ceremony. That's it.

    Also, if these girls have agreed to be in the wedding and are travelling to Mexico to do it, I'd say they're putting out quite a lot for you!!
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    Blue_Birdmelbelleup
  • First - why do your BMs need to be involved in planning the post-wedding party in NY?  The party in NY is NOT your wedding, and it seems like the BM's obligations will be filled after the actual wedding in Mexico is over.  All the BMs have to do is buy a dress and stand next to you in Mexico.  Nothing else is required.  If you want to bounce ideas off of someone, try your FI or your mom.

     

    Second - and this is mostly a public service announcement - while it is completely acceptable to just have a party in NY after your wedding in Mexico, you should not be wearing a wedding dress, cutting a large tiered wedding cake, doing a "first dance," or any other weddingy stuff.  I'm concerned that since you're discussing BM involvement in this event, you are actually planning to stage a fake wedding for a bunch of people who you didn't want to invite to Mexico.  If those guests couldn't see you actually get married, you can't host a wedding reception for them.  You can have a normal party, but please do not call it a reception, or act like it is a wedding reception of any kind.

     

    Third - there is literally no way to kick someone out of a wedding party and retain their friendship.  So you need to REALLY think about this.  Your wedding is the center of your world right now - it is nothing more than an event in their worlds.  Your wedding is more importat to you than it is to anyone else.  Is it possible that you're not acting like yourself because of the wedding right now?  If so, i'd avoid destroying friendships simply because your BMs lives don't revolve around your wedding.  Your wedding isn't even for another 8 months...you have plenty of time to organize a party afterwards.  Relax.

     

    KeptInStitchesBlue_Birdjendemeyer
  • PPs have great advice. It sounds like your friends aren't that into wedding talk, which is fine! Also, since your party back home is just that, a party, their WP duty to stand up with you for your marriage will be all done. I'd just focus on being a friend to your friends, and plan with your FI and any parents that may want to be involved. My BMs involvement was really limited to dress shopping and the rehearsal.

    Look at it this way-you are interested in wedding planning. Great! So am I. I'm also interested in SCUBA diving, but most of my friends aren't. I only chat about my SCUBA diving with my friends who are interested and ask questions. It doesn't mean the rest don't love me, they just don't share that interest. KWIM?
    Blue_Bird
  • Hey everyone!

    My fiancé and I are getting married in May in Mexico, and we’re doing another party in New York. Because it’s a destination wedding, it’s been generally low key in stress. We haven’t stressed too much and if the only thing I’m worried about is getting a hold of the resort’s hair and makeup team, I consider it good so far.

    However, we have started to plan our party following the wedding and I’ve been finding that my maids are not much help at all. I haven’t asked too much, and I just wanted to bounce some ideas off of them. While one maid is out of town and is in two other weddings, I totally understand she’s got a lot on her plate. However, I’m feeling like a few of the girls I choose to be in my party aren’t really helping out and are just along for the ride. I even wanted to see if they wanted to get together for brunch and I haven’t heard much of a peep from two of them. (I have 5 ladies standing up with me.)

    Am I jumping to conclusions? I don’t think I’m asking for a whole lot, but if they can’t even email me back, is it too late to cut them out of the wedding? How would I go about doing that without hurting their feelings? (We haven’t even sent out the save the dates, but they are going out this week.) I’m ok with doing this alone or with a couple of my friends, but I just don’t want them to come back and say they helped the whole way when I needed someone to lean on much earlier.

    I mean if they can’t even get together for brunch or let alone email me back are they really going to step up to the plate down the line?

    What are your thoughts? 

    1. Yes.
    2. You have someone to lean on -- your FI.
    3. Aside from buying the dress and showing up on time, there is no "stepping up to the plate" necessary.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    Blue_Bird
  • I think the PP's have already covered all the major points!  There is no need to constantly talk wedding with your BM's...as a matter of fact if you are ONLY talking weedding with them they may begin to resent you!  I know you are not trying to be a drama queen or anything like that, but you can't "kick people out" of your wedding party and if you want someone to bounce wedding ideas off of you have your FI, your mother, and this wonderful website!
  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Ditto PPs. Many women hate listening to someone talk about their wedding. That's what fiances and TK are for.



    Anniversary
    image

    image
  • Talking about a hobby and talking about your wedding are two totally different things. I understand the bride's concern here, but have also realized that I need to lower my expectations.

  • See, this is where I disagree with just about every "regular" poster in this forum.  RiffRandell6, I totally empathize with you about your situation!!  Maybe it just that I'm not jaded and don't often deal with crazy people, but being a bridesmaid for a friend (to me) is an honor!  I feel flattered and loved when someone considers my friendship to be so valuable that she wants me to stand next to her on her biggest day. So, if she comes-a-callin about some drama or wants to bounce ideas off me, I generally answer.  I have the same expectations from my bridesmaids, and they have been completely and gracefully willing to listen and converse (especially since all four of mine have already had and planned a wedding! Advice central!).  Talking to a bridesmaid about your wedding shouldn't be viewed as a burden, unless you're chatting their ear off every week about some new nonsense that your FMIL spewed about how she wants to wear white.  Sometimes, the FI just doesn't know the difference between white and ivory enough to know which would look better against your skin.  Obvi, only you and your bridesmaid know where to draw that chatty line, and in your case, the non-chattiness.

    I also don't feel like your NY party should be any less special because it's not your official wedding day; it's all a celebration of the life-time commitment you're making to your FI.  You want them part of it, and they agreed to be part of it.  Generally, that part is done, and barring some earth shattering, Armageddon-esk type fight you might have with a bridesmaid between now and the party, she is your bridesmaid.  Don't consider "nixing" her.

    If your goal is to simply bounce ideas, why not make the communication a little more personal?  Talk to them individually on the phone, invite them for a coffee date, or a movie night.  This way, it's not all about you (like a mass BM email might seem) - it's about catching up, finding out what's new in their life (as well as sneaking in a wedding story or two).  This will get them engaged without making it seem like this was "part of the job."

    BUT, if your goal is to get them involved (i.e. decorating, shower planning, going to the caterer to choose a meal) because it's part of the job, then you should consider your expectations and lower them a tad.  If you need a decorator, hire a decorator, but don't expect your bridesmaids to show up a day early just to decorate.  If you need a florist, hire a florist, but don't expect your bridesmaids to throw together centerpieces the night before.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards