Moms and Maids

Honestly considering calling it off over FMIL

OK, I'm not a drama queen. I'm pretty nature and stable; my fiancé and I never ever fight. I love him to death and could never imagine being with anyone else.

But his mother is SUCH a piece of work. I love the rest of his family, except his mother. She's the eldest daughter and the total queen of the entire extended family; she always has to be right and constantly belittles everyone around her.

She's been incredibly rude to me until the engagement. Even my fiance admits it and he's completely non confrontational. Thankfully, her blatant rudeness has subsided. Instead, now she's trying to micromanage the wedding.

Admittedly, some of her advice has been helpful and I appreciate it. But she has this attitude that anything she doesn't want is totally disgusting and tacky. She is SO pushy; we HAVE to put china on our registry, we HAVE to have long bridesmaid dresses. Any time we suggest anything different, she gives us this look of utter disdain.

On, and every single time we see her, she goes on and on about this bride that she knows that is so cruel to her mother in law, and how if her significant other did that, she would call it off immediately if they ever disrespected her family. Yeah, she's not subtle. I have NEVER been rude to her, although FH knows my frustrations.

None of her family will call her out, so of course I won't either. And i kinda get it ... at this point, she is who she is, its not like her family can tell her to stop being so rude and high strung. But its really starting to get to me. Right now, I am searching for short bridesmaid dresses even though I'd prefer long ones just to spite her. I'd just love to see her squirm and get progressively ruder so I can finally call her out.

And I know how incredibly unhealthy that urge is. And it makes me so sad that I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life with her. That this is the woman that is going to care for my children. I've tried time and time again to bond with her, but I just cant open up to her anymore. I don't know what to do.

Re: Honestly considering calling it off over FMIL

  • I agree with most others. The problem is with your FI needing to step in and stand up for you. It doesn't need to be in a negative way but he needs to step up and explain that it is YOUR wedding as a couple and that she is being hurtful and disrespectful. You need to have a conversation with your FI in a calm way and explain how much this is bothering you and that you would like for him to step up and defend you when she is rude/bossy/etc. I have dealt with a similar situation regarding my FI's family and at the end of the day like others have said you can dictate how much interaction you have with them it's completely up to you. You can distance yourself if you need to but first I would discuss with your FI that you don't want to ruin your relationship with your future inlaws but this is bothering you and it must be addressed and not ignored. Good luck it's a sticky situation always!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I agree with the PPs that your FI needs to have a come-to-Deity meeting with his mother and make clear that her treatment of you is not okay and needs to stop.

    But I think that when she needles you, it's okay to say, "FMIL, I know that we don't agree on this, but I'm not willing to hear any more about this other bride or that you don't like my choices.  The subject is closed."  And stand firm.
  • If you don't like her suggestions, don't take them. Just thank her for her input and do what you like. Shrug when she gets belligerent. She sounds like a PITA, but you don't need to react in any kind of way. Get the bridesmaid dresses you want for crying out loud! Unless she is paying for certain items, just don't talk about that part of the wedding with her and quickly change the subject.

    Also, I agree with other posters that your FI could stand to talk with her about the way she treats you. She sounds very overbearing, and sometimes talking with this kind of family member is largely ineffective, but he needs to at least make his stance known and be able to say he stuck up for you.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    @randerson123 - question...who is paying for this wedding?

  • Wow, thank you all for responding. Pretty much all of you saw through to the true issue - - that my FH didn't stand up for me in the beginning.

    I thought about it more last night. There was a weekend when she was particularly rude to me, it really hurt my feelings. I brought it up to FH and he acknowledged it. I asked him to talk with her about it. I could tell he didn't want to, and when I asked him later if he had, he hadn't talked to her. 

    I think I've just built up so much bitterness about the way that she treated me that I haven't been able to get over it, even though she hasn't been rude since we got engaged. But the real issue is that FH didn't stick up for me.

    I've noticed FH has started to push back more when she gets super 'know it all' ish. I think I will do the same, and if the rudeness flares up again, give him an ultimatum that he has to talk with her.
    southernbelle0915

  • @randerson123 - question...who is paying for this wedding?
    @Maggie0829 - his parents are paying for 1/3, my parents are paying for 1/3, and we are paying for 1/3. We chose the venue she liked most and didn't push back on her rather sizable portion of the guest list, so I don't feel like we owe her much else in that regard. 

    It's not like she's putting down ultimatums about what we 'have' to do ... it just gets annoying when she makes a visibly disgusted face and constantly hints at her disapproval of any decisions that don't line up with hers. On every topic, she is the authority and her opinion is the trump card ... there's no 'live and let live' with this woman!
  • He definitely has to stand up for you. I don't think you should wait for the rudeness to flare up again, because how do you define a "flare-up"? You have enough specific examples of when she was rude, and that should be enough for him to confront her.

    I had the same problem with my fiance's older sister. I told him that if he didn't have the guts to stand up for me now, then he's never going to stand up for me in the future, and I don't need a man like that in my life. We are either a team, or else we're not. He got the point. He confronted his sister. She denied everything, of course, but it mattered most to me that he made the effort and she knows that she can't walk all over me without offending him, too. It's now at the point where he sees my point of view, and unfortunately, the sister is starting to alienate the other siblings in the family with her selfishness.

    I think that what southernbelle wrote is absolutely correct - the problem has persisted because no one has the guts to stand up to her. That's the exact case with my fiance's sister. Your fiance has to talk with his mother about her attitude, especially regarding that particular weekend.
    doeydoRebeccaB88
  • Thank you for not getting defensive. You wouldn't believe how many people flip out when we suggest they have an issue with their SO. You definitely need a come-to-Jesus talk with your fiancé. Make him aware how hurtful it is to you when he doesn't call his mom out on her crazy.
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    doeydo
  • Wow, thank you all for responding. Pretty much all of you saw through to the true issue - - that my FH didn't stand up for me in the beginning.

    I thought about it more last night. There was a weekend when she was particularly rude to me, it really hurt my feelings. I brought it up to FH and he acknowledged it. I asked him to talk with her about it. I could tell he didn't want to, and when I asked him later if he had, he hadn't talked to her. 

    I think I've just built up so much bitterness about the way that she treated me that I haven't been able to get over it, even though she hasn't been rude since we got engaged. But the real issue is that FH didn't stick up for me.

    I've noticed FH has started to push back more when she gets super 'know it all' ish. I think I will do the same, and if the rudeness flares up again, give him an ultimatum that he has to talk with her.

    Ultimatums only work if you follow through with them. Remember that.
  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    OP, it's really good to see that you understand the problem and know what you need to do to fix it. Of course that doesn't mean it will be easy, but start tonight.

    Tell FI there's something you need to sit down and talk about it. Whenever I do that with my FI he expects some huge thing (pregnancy, financial ruin...) and then he's relieved when it's something we can easily sit down and figure out.





    Anniversary
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  • This entire post is the very reason I love reading TK. A group of people can discuss and issue or problem and help each other find a solution without being over dramatic and insulting. Rarely do people get super defensive and a majority take criticism well.

    That being said, I understand 110% what you're going through, down to picking the short dresses. My FMIL is obsessive about weight so I find myself overeating around her to watch her reaction/ prove a point. A while ago I sat down with my FI and laid it all out. "I'm unhappy", "This won't work if...", "Can you please...", " We're a team and need to support each other", ect. (There may have been a few threats about what would happen if there wasn't a change).

    That's all it took. He had to know that I wasn't just nagging and being ridiculous, that some points were valid, and that if the situation was reversed I would have the respect for him to talk to my mother. He sat her down and the change is almost scary (That's not to say I have received a weight loss program in the mail since, but only one). Sometimes people just need to know how they are being perceived.

    Best of luck. Hopefully you get the BM dresses that you want and won't regret making a decision to spite her, I know my thighs regret all those candy bars and large sodas.
    melbelleupsouthernbelle0915
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