Meeting his parents 1st time @ his sis' wedding!? Help!

Alysa45

I am attending my boyfriend's sister's wedding in October and I'll be meeting his parents for the first time. I am nervous and stressed out as this is my second time attending a wedding. The last time was when I was 8... ( I am 25 now!!) 

So in terms of wedding etiquette I am clueless:

Do I refer to his parents as Mr. and Mrs. Last Name?

Do I bring a gift or envelope to the wedding?

Do I meet his sister before the ceremony to say thank you for inviting me as a guest?

Any help and advice would be HIGHLY appreciated!!

bethsmiles

You are super over thinking this.

1) Ask your BF what you should call his parents
2) You can bring a gift or an envelope - both are appropriate
3) No, you'll probably meet her at the reception, she has things to do before the ceremony.

ashleyep

Your boyfriend should be the one taking care of the gift/envelope for the both of you. Double check with him on that. I went to my boyfriend (now FI)'s step-sister and didn't think to check with him and I'm pretty sure we shows up empty handed and never gave a gift. It didn't even dawn on me.

No, you don't need to meet the sister before there ceremony. She'll probably be crazy busy then anyway. Just wait until the receiving line or when she visits the table during the reception or cocktail hour or when she's not in the middle of something (like preparing to walk down the aisle! don't do that!)

It's nice to refer to them as Mr. and Mrs. Last Name.

photokitty

I would address them as Mr. & Mrs. Last name until they instructed me otherwise.

You are a date and not invited on our own, so your boyfriend would buy/provide the gift.

Before the ceremony - like that day? Or the night before at the rehearsal? I'm not sure what you mean. You should thank her for inviting you when you see her. You should not seek her out before the ceremony on her wedding day as she we be busy.

Relax and have fun - and don't wear white ;-)

Alysa45

ashleyep said:

Your boyfriend should be the one taking care of the gift/envelope for the both of you. Double check with him on that. I went to my boyfriend (now FI)'s step-sister and didn't think to check with him and I'm pretty sure we shows up empty handed and never gave a gift. It didn't even dawn on me.

No, you don't need to meet the sister before there ceremony. She'll probably be crazy busy then anyway. Just wait until the receiving line or when she visits the table during the reception or cocktail hour or when she's not in the middle of something (like preparing to walk down the aisle! don't do that!)

It's nice to refer to them as Mr. and Mrs. Last Name.

My boyfriend is another clueless one. He doesn't know any details about the wedding, I just don't get it. He was even considering NOT attending because the wedding day falls on a weekday and it's one of his busiest days... 

I wish he was more savvy but he's not...I don't even expect him to think to cover the gift/ envelope for both of us. I didn't even think of that, either. Also, he didn't even want to give me his sister's bridal registry saying she already gets free stuff all the time.

But I'll ask, though!  

Thank you so much!

Alysa45

photokitty said:

I would address them as Mr. & Mrs. Last name until they instructed me otherwise.

You are a date and not invited on our own, so your boyfriend would buy/provide the gift.

Before the ceremony - like that day? Or the night before at the rehearsal? I'm not sure what you mean. You should thank her for inviting you when you see her. You should not seek her out before the ceremony on her wedding day as she we be busy.

Relax and have fun - and don't wear white ;-)

Thank you for your reply,

So I should not try and look for her on the day of the ceremony...I JUST remembered they're having a rehearsal dinner the day before the wedding so that would be a great time to meet her!

I don't know what to expect, I should ask my boyfriend about it but I kind of doubt he'll know or even care about the details...With that said, what should I NOT wear to the rehearsal? 

Also, do I sit next to his parents or just follow where he's going?

southernbelle0915

Alysa45 said:

I am attending my boyfriend's sister's wedding in October and I'll be meeting his parents for the first time. I am nervous and stressed out as this is my second time attending a wedding. The last time was when I was 8... ( I am 25 now!!) 

So in terms of wedding etiquette I am clueless:

Do I refer to his parents as Mr. and Mrs. Last Name? Yes - since you're an adult, they'll probably say, "Call me John/Jane." at which point you can honor their request. 

Do I bring a gift or envelope to the wedding? I never attend a wedding empty handed. You are attending as your boyfriend's SO, however, so I would ask him if he'd like to go in on a gift together. In my experience, guys don't always think about this. If he declines, I'd bring her a gift/money and a card - nothing huge.

Do I meet his sister before the ceremony to say thank you for inviting me as a guest? If you attend the RD, that would be a good time to thank her for including you in the festivities. If you don't, talk to her at the reception.

Any help and advice would be HIGHLY appreciated!!

Alysa45

bethsmiles said:

You are super over thinking this.

1) Ask your BF what you should call his parents
2) You can bring a gift or an envelope - both are appropriate
3) No, you'll probably meet her at the reception, she has things to do before the ceremony.

Do I give her the gift or is there a separate area for gifts at the ceremony? Should I give it to her at the dinner rehearsal?

Thanks for your response!

photokitty

Alysa45 said:

photokitty said:

I would address them as Mr. & Mrs. Last name until they instructed me otherwise.

You are a date and not invited on our own, so your boyfriend would buy/provide the gift.

Before the ceremony - like that day? Or the night before at the rehearsal? I'm not sure what you mean. You should thank her for inviting you when you see her. You should not seek her out before the ceremony on her wedding day as she we be busy.

Relax and have fun - and don't wear white ;-)

Thank you for your reply,

So I should not try and look for her on the day of the ceremony...I JUST remembered they're having a rehearsal dinner the day before the wedding so that would be a great time to meet her!

I don't know what to expect, I should ask my boyfriend about it but I kind of doubt he'll know or even care about the details...With that said, what should I NOT wear to the rehearsal? 

Also, do I sit next to his parents or just follow where he's going?

No, don't look for her before the ceremony. She'll be busy :-)

There are no real rules for what not to wear to the rehearsal dinner. Just dress appropriately for the occasion and location. This will depend on if it is a backyard bbq or at a nice restaurant. Being overdressed is always safer than underdressed.

Is he in in the wedding party? If he is I would just sit in a regular seat with the other guests unless his parents invited me to sit with them - but I would be surprised if they did this since I would not have met them yet. If he is not a groomsmen or otherwise int he WP, you will sit with him.

Talk to him about the gift. I would be concerned about a 25 year old man who didn't want to get his sister a wedding gift - especially with the statement "she gets free stuff all the time." I purchased the nicest gifts for my siblings of all the wedding I've ever attended. Any gift you give her (them) would be at the wedding, not the rehearsal.

ashleyep

Alysa45 said:

photokitty said:

I would address them as Mr. & Mrs. Last name until they instructed me otherwise.

You are a date and not invited on our own, so your boyfriend would buy/provide the gift.

Before the ceremony - like that day? Or the night before at the rehearsal? I'm not sure what you mean. You should thank her for inviting you when you see her. You should not seek her out before the ceremony on her wedding day as she we be busy.

Relax and have fun - and don't wear white ;-)

Thank you for your reply,

So I should not try and look for her on the day of the ceremony...I JUST remembered they're having a rehearsal dinner the day before the wedding so that would be a great time to meet her!

I don't know what to expect, I should ask my boyfriend about it but I kind of doubt he'll know or even care about the details...With that said, what should I NOT wear to the rehearsal? 

Also, do I sit next to his parents or just follow where he's going?

Gifts go on the gift table at the wedding - usually at the reception. There will probably a box for cards. 

Is your brother a groomsman? If so, you'll be on your own for the ceremony. If  not, yes,  just follow him. 

I'm sure as a sibling he's invited to the rehearsal dinner, so that would be a good time to meet her. I would just wait until she introduces herself to you. There's no rules about what you can't wear to an RD, but I generally try and steer clear of white at all wedding related events as some brides tend to wear white to those. 

southernredandwhite85

I'll add that you bring the gift to the reception, not to the wedding ceremony.

loves2shop4shoes

Address them as Mr. and Mrs. Lastname until they instruct you otherwise.

You'll be giving a gift with BF since you are the +1.  If you'd like to get a LITTLE something extra, just from you (like luggage tags or something), that'd be ok I think.

His sister has things to do before the ceremony.  You can meet her at the reception or in the receiving line, if there is one.

Be gracious.  Be courteous.  Don't criticize anything.  Dance.  Have fun.  Be festive.  And wear something APPROPRIATE.

Make sure you find out how formal this wedding will be and what color the BMs are wearing.  Buy a dress appropriately formal (ie. no evening gowns at a breakfast wedding), and avoid wearing the same color as the BMs.

Avoid wearing black, and under NO circumstances should you wear a SPECK of white.

ETA:  Also, don't wear anything too sexy with too much cleavage.

loves2shop4shoes

scribe95 said:

I have a few caveats to the above advice.

You don't have to buy a dress if you own sometihng nice. Black is absolutely fine at weddings now, especially evening weddings.

Don't wear any all-white dresses or outfits but of course you can wear a white blouse with a skirt and jacket or something like that.

I would dress conservatively. to meet parents for the first time.

Relax and breathe. Given all the questions I think you might make yourself crazy before the wedding at this rate.

Under normal circumstances, I would agree with this post.

But if you're just meeting his family for the FIRST time, I would avoid doing anything that could be seen as faux pas worthy by even the judgiest of people.

My family is very judgy...and I know that in your circumstances, they would side eye an overly formal/casual dress, a black dress, and anything with a speck of white on it.

FTR, my family is the extreme...but you never really know what you're walking into if, so I always err on the side of caution.

SJM7538

scribe95 said:

I have a few caveats to the above advice.

You don't have to buy a dress if you own sometihng nice. Black is absolutely fine at weddings now, especially evening weddings.

Don't wear any all-white dresses or outfits but of course you can wear a white blouse with a skirt and jacket or something like that.

I would dress conservatively. to meet parents for the first time.

Relax and breathe. Given all the questions I think you might make yourself crazy before the wedding at this rate.

Under normal circumstances, I would agree with this post.

But if you're just meeting his family for the FIRST time, I would avoid doing anything that could be seen as faux pas worthy by even the judgiest of people.

My family is very judgy...and I know that in your circumstances, they would side eye an overly formal/casual dress, a black dress, and anything with a speck of white on it.

FTR, my family is the extreme...but you never really know what you're walking into if, so I always err on the side of caution.

If I was meeting my boyfriends family for the first time and they were that extreme/judgemental I'd be running for the hills. But you make a great point. OP is this guy is serious and you see a future with him it can't hurt do avoid any potential faux pas.

Alysa45

Thank you all!

One other personal dilemma... 

He's expecting me to stay over his house for the weekend following the wedding on Thursday and I don't know what to do...

I never stayed over someone's house for more than a day and am not sure how house-guest etiquette works here... Advice, please! (He lives with his parents).

STARMOON44

Houseguest etiquette is pretty easy. Bring a small gift for the hostess (I like to bring a local specialty food), observe the family and follow their rhythms (don't sleep in til noon if they're up at 7), and pitch in (clean up after yourself, offer to help with things, keep your things tidy). Send a thank you note the day you get home and you're good.

However, your boyfriend sounds immature and clueless (see eg he doesn't want to get a gift) so I'd be really concerned that he's just assuming it's okay for you to stay and hasn't actually asked his parents. If you can't get a clear confirmation from him that he has and they'd like the idea, I'd probably tell him no and make plans to stay elsewhere.

Alysa45

scribe95 said:

I would be uncomfortable sharing a room with him in his parents' house. Talk about awkward. You need to ask him if you will have your own bedroom. If not I would get my own hotel.

My now husband lived with his parents when we first started dating and eventually we got to a point where I felt okay staying over there. But it took a while.

They have a guest room but I rather not just because it'd be awkward and I don't know his family well enough to stay over. 

aurorajanette

You said you have never met his parents at all, so yes that would definitely be awkward. Out of curiosity, how have you never met his parents that he lives with?

Maybe see if you can meet them before this occasion, and definitely before just randomly staying at their house. Maybe you can have dinner or lunch with them, or some other type of meet and greet. It's still going to be awkward, but I think it would be a little less so if you actually meet them in advance.

If you still feel weird about staying there, ask him to rent a hotel room for a few nights as PP said. Or ask him to stay over your house or apartment instead (assume you have your own place).

Alysa45

STARMOON44 said:

Houseguest etiquette is pretty easy. Bring a small gift for the hostess (I like to bring a local specialty food), observe the family and follow their rhythms (don't sleep in til noon if they're up at 7), and pitch in (clean up after yourself, offer to help with things, keep your things tidy). Send a thank you note the day you get home and you're good. However, your boyfriend sounds immature and clueless (see eg he doesn't want to get a gift) so I'd be really concerned that he's just assuming it's okay for you to stay and hasn't actually asked his parents. If you can't get a clear confirmation from him that he has and they'd like the idea, I'd probably tell him no and make plans to stay elsewhere.

Yes, he is immature and clueless in some respects, and I should ask him if he confirmed with his parents that he'd like to have me spend the weekend. 

He doesn't live live at home. He actually lives closer to his school which is nearly an hour away from his hometown and I live near his school as well. He's only visiting back home because of the wedding and he'd rather have me stay over and hang out with his home friends than make a double trip to get me home, is what I'm thinking.

Alysa45

scribe95 said:

I would be uncomfortable sharing a room with him in his parents' house. Talk about awkward. You need to ask him if you will have your own bedroom. If not I would get my own hotel.

My now husband lived with his parents when we first started dating and eventually we got to a point where I felt okay staying over there. But it took a while.

Yes, it feels very awkward for me because I'll be spending the weekend at their house when I'll be meeting them for the first time at the wedding! (Oh, why.)

Alysa45

aurorajanette said:

You said you have never met his parents at all, so yes that would definitely be awkward. Out of curiosity, how have you never met his parents that he lives with?

Maybe see if you can meet them before this occasion, and definitely before just randomly staying at their house. Maybe you can have dinner or lunch with them, or some other type of meet and greet. It's still going to be awkward, but I think it would be a little less so if you actually meet them in advance.

If you still feel weird about staying there, ask him to rent a hotel room for a few nights as PP said. Or ask him to stay over your house or apartment instead (assume you have your own place).

I forgot to mention ,he doesn't "live" with his parents. He currently lives an hour away from his hometown where the house that he comes back to is his parents' house. 

Unfortunately there will be NO way he's going to rent me a hotel. He literally has no money. He does, but not so much that he'd be able to do that for me. I don't think even halfway. Plus, he lives kind of far from the hotels/ motels in his town. 

I feel like I'm losing, haha.

fallbride99

Your BF and you should both decided what to bring. Perhaps a gift card to the store they are registered at.
He should tell you have to call them, when in doubt be respectful and use Mr. & Mrs. unless THEY instruct you otherwise.
best to meet the bride during the wedding- don't throw loops at her before the wedding.

doeydo

Alysa45 said:

bethsmiles said:

You are super over thinking this.

1) Ask your BF what you should call his parents
2) You can bring a gift or an envelope - both are appropriate
3) No, you'll probably meet her at the reception, she has things to do before the ceremony.

Do I give her the gift or is there a separate area for gifts at the ceremony? Should I give it to her at the dinner rehearsal?

Thanks for your response!

At the reception, not the  ceremony, there should be a place for gifts, ie. a table with a basket for cards and some space for boxed gifts.

phira

I think you're over-thinking it because of the combination of not being an experienced wedding goer + boyfriend is being unhelpful + meeting parents for the first time is stressful.

I'll address the last one: Meeting the important people in a significant other's life is often really stressful. I was so nervous when I first met my fiance's family that I barely spoke; when he met my mom and brother, he barely said anything either. It's normal to be anxious. But keep in mind that his parents will likely be too distracted because their daughter is getting married to think, "Hold on, we need to sit down and get to know Alysa45 right this minute." And not only that, but when they are taking the time to get to know you, they'll likely be interested in getting to know their son's girlfriend; they'll want to like you.

lovesclimbing

Do I refer to his parents as Mr. and Mrs. Last Name?  I would until they tell you to call them otherwise.

Do I bring a gift or envelope to the wedding?  I would talk to your bf.  I personally think it's fine to add your name to his gift since you don't know them and wouldn't be attending if it weren't for him.  If he's really against getting her a gift, I would just get a gift or gift card for them so you don't wind up looking bad.

Do I meet his sister before the ceremony to say thank you for inviting me as a guest?  She'll probably be busy, so no, I wouldn't try to.  See her at the reception.

With that said, what should I NOT wear to the rehearsal? I would avoid white at the rehearsal since it is a wedding-related event.  Other than that, you can wear just about anything, just try to match the formality of the event.

As for what to wear.  I would dress on the conservative side since you're meeting his parents for the first time.  Avoid cleavage.  I would keep the dress no shorter than the top of the knee.  Nothing too tight.  Nothing white although if it's less than 1/3 or so of the outfit, I think it's fine.

melbelleup

Alysa45 said:

aurorajanette said:

You said you have never met his parents at all, so yes that would definitely be awkward. Out of curiosity, how have you never met his parents that he lives with?

Maybe see if you can meet them before this occasion, and definitely before just randomly staying at their house. Maybe you can have dinner or lunch with them, or some other type of meet and greet. It's still going to be awkward, but I think it would be a little less so if you actually meet them in advance.

If you still feel weird about staying there, ask him to rent a hotel room for a few nights as PP said. Or ask him to stay over your house or apartment instead (assume you have your own place).

I forgot to mention ,he doesn't "live" with his parents. He currently lives an hour away from his hometown where the house that he comes back to is his parents' house. 

Unfortunately there will be NO way he's going to rent me a hotel. He literally has no money. He does, but not so much that he'd be able to do that for me. I don't think even halfway. Plus, he lives kind of far from the hotels/ motels in his town. 

I feel like I'm losing, haha.

Well... I'll give you my scenario. The first time my FI met my parents, he spent the night in my basement. Then him and I went to Gettysburg for a 3 day trip. My poor dad prob had a heart attack after I left (jk, he didn't but.. shocked). I used to skype with my FI all the time though so my dad had talked to him through skype and had heard majority of our conversations (I didn't use headphones haha). But back on topic, my parents are perfectly fine with my FI living at my parent's house, but he had a room in the basement.. well a couch. They have a guest bedroom, so I would ask your BF if he asked his parents if it's okay for you to spend the night(s) there. His parents might really want to spend more time with you than just the wedding. You never know if you don't ask. They might also say no, then at that point I'd go back to my own place. Don't overstep their decision.