Interesting article

Blackbird230

Found this article regarding lengths of engagement. I know when I do get engaged, we may have a long engagement so we can save up money for the wedding we want. Thoughts?

minskat30

Interesting.  I'll be honest, I did feel a little rushed with 7 months to plan our wedding but my job is highly stressful and has very, very long hours so that didn't help.  I think otherwise 7 months would be a good amount of time, however.

buddysmom80

Kait said:

Found this article regarding lengths of engagement. I know when I do get engaged, we may have a long engagement so we can save up money for the wedding we want. Thoughts?

The article is blocked for me since the source is Cosmo magazine. So, with that being said, I'm not going to take any article from them too seriously.

I haven't thought about this since we're not engaged yet, I don't want to have too long of an engagement only because if we do decide to have kids, there would be no time enjoying married life and working on starting a family asap. I'm talking like a six year engagement or something.

KeptInStitches

BF and I have been together almost 5 years. When we do get engaged, I'd prefer a short engagement, probably 6 months or so, but we haven't discussed it too much. I don't think he'd want to wait very long, though, between getting engaged and getting married.

Blackbird230

I don't usually give much credence to Cosmo stories. I just like some of the topics they come up with, not necessarily their facts.

Swazzle

H and I were together just over 4 years when he proposed. We had a long engagement (20 months) so we could save for the wedding we wanted and to get married during the time of year I wanted (I say 'I' because he didn't have a opinion/preference on that). I wasn't stressed during the planning process either, which I contribute to having such a long engagement. 

Swazzle

Here's the article, @buddysmom80: 

The pros and cons of three couples' engagement lengths.

Billy Crystal tells a tearful Meg Ryan at the end of When Harry Met Sally: “When you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as quickly as possible.” But remake the movie with urban twentysomethings circa 2013, it’s “as soon as I can finish my masters” or “get that promotion” or “afford a bigger apartment.” Many couples are stretching out their engagements for as long as their friends and family will let them. Which one ultimately bodes better for engaged Youngs — a very long engagement, or a shotgun wedding? 

The Long:

New Yorkers Dan and Emma were both anti-marriage when they first met, but after dating four and a half years — and getting a legal domestic partnership — they decided it was a good way to go. They haven't set a date yet, but it'll be at least two years from now.

Education was a higher priority than wedding planning for both Dan and Emma, who have a phD and a masters degree respectively. Dan says: “Both Emma and I wanted me to be significantly closer to finishing my dissertation by the time of the wedding: having prospective employment is a good thing.” They're also set on one particular venue, which rarely rents out for events.

While they admit that tradional family members on both sides are perplexed by their wait time, Rachel Sussman, New York City-based therapist and relationship expert, is on their side: "It's good for couples to know each other for at least a year to two years before they get married. This gives you plenty of time to get to know each other to secure the foundation and the friendship." 

Speaking of which, there are social benefits to a long engagement as well, according to Emma: “It feels a bit like having it both ways— avoiding the sterotypes that come with being single and the ones that come with being married.” This brings us to the elephant in the room among couples putting off marriage: The dreaded FOMO. Are one or both members of the couple dallying because they're still checking out other options in their peripherals? Marni Battista, founder and CEO of Dating with Dignity, "If a couple puts off marriage and is engaged for a very long time, they have to look at the motivation behind having a long engagement." 

This phenomenon commonly occurs in celebrities: this week it came out that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth’s year-and-a-half-long engagement was called off. The two unfollowed each other on Twitter, which is basically the 2013 version of tossing the Heart of The Ocean overboard. 

The Median: 

So what is the average length of an engagement? By celebrity wedding planner Shawn Rabideau’s definition, it's ten months — the ideal length, in his opinion, to plan their dream ceremony without overplanning and obsessing. Michelle and Daniel, who dated on and off for 10 years ("two adult years," clarifies Michelle) before getting engaged. The two are now married, and she maintains that their wait time — 11 months — was the perfect length. 

They were able to plan their ideal wedding, with enough time to save some money seeking out the most cost-efficient options. Says Michelle: "Any longer, and I would have gotten really impatient. Any shorter, I might have felt rushed and stressed. For me, about 10 to 12 months of engagement is the sage choice." 

She also recalls more than a few friends who had waited longer, and then suffered post-nuptial "wedding withdrawal" after the big day came and went. "They'd had so much time to obsess over it and and plan it, it was completely consuming, and then it was just... over. They had no idea what to do with themselves." 

The Short: 

Jessica and Kale, both in their late twenties, dated for four months before getting engaged. Their wedding date is set for next month. Most of her family is supportive, says Jessica: “They've known me long enough and seen me date a bunch of guys I felt "meh" about to know my feelings are true and real and enduring." 

However, there are naysayers — among them, one of Jessica's sisters. "I've sensed from a couple people that they think Kale and I are moving too fast in the way they've responded to our engagement. Several people have made comments to me about how we can 'always get a divorce if it doesn't work out.' Newsflash, people! That's extremely rude to say to someone who just got engaged." 

Battista says that short-term compatibility is easy to find, but "the test of a successful relationship is how do you, as a couple, get back to compatibility" as both of you mature as people after the marriage. It's tough for young Jessica and Kale to predict if they'll make it through the growing pains, says Battista, but "if [a couple is] over 40 and have a clear idea of what they want, a short engagement might work." Rachel Sussman is more blunt: “A couple who meets and gets engaged within 90 days and then gets married after another 90 days? I'm not so sure about their success rate.” 

Shawn Rabideau is more non-judgmental about the timeline. In fact, he's excited by the hands-on approach that grooms with brief engagements take to the planning. “The biggest trend I see is that during shorter engagements more and more grooms are getting involved in the wedding planning process. For me this is quite refreshing because it shows a vested interest by both the bride and the groom." 

[Deleted User]

We have had a 9 month engagement and honestly, I probably could have gone shorter to maybe 7 months but any shorter I would have felt rushed. FI and I really didn't want a long engagement. We initially thought that it would be best to wait a year and a few months but after really thinking about it, we decided not to. I think it really all depends upon the couple and what their schedules are like or what they have going on in their lives.

lennonkdc

We're going to a 2+ year engagement. We had hoped to get married fall of 2013 or spring 2014, but then we decided to take a large chunk of savings to buy a house. We got a great deal on a foreclosure on our 'dream street' in the town we live in. It set us back wedding timeline wise, but I think its all for the best. 

Having a year before we were even ready to set a date gave me TONS of time to research and get prices. Now I've been able to lock in 2013 rates for some vendors which has helped save us a bit of money. 

CASK85

We had (almost to the day) a 10 month engagement. It was perfect for us. I'm glad we didn't wait longer b/c I wasted enough time planning as it was that I should have been spending on my research. I did push for it to be when it was because I thought the summer after that I'd be writing my thesis. . . here we are 2 years later and that still hasn't happened. BUT that is another story for another time  

suzie211

I had a little over 8 month engagement.  Honestly,  I don't think the length of engagement has anything to do with the success of a relationship.  Successful relationships come from couples that have good communication skills and consistently work together on their wants and needs.

If the lines of communication are consistently worked on then a couple can be successful with any length of engagement.  Short engagements may not work because a couple hasn't learned how to communicate, and long engagements may fail because a couple stops working to keep the lines of communication open.    The long engagement doesn't mean a couple doesn't want to start their future, but could mean they already have and don't need a piece of paper to prove it.

So the 3 month engagement, 10 month engagement, or 6 year can all work as long as the couple works together. 

suzie211

Gah!  Double Post! 

CLoGreenEyes

I don't put much stock in Cosmo either. BF was horrified when I read him their kinky sex tips from the latest issue. Still, every now and then I just can't help but buy one.

Digressions aside, I feel like this topic is the embodiment of "different strings for different folks." Everybody I've seen on here has excellent reasons for the length of their engagement.

For me and BF, some of the reason we're not engaged yet is because I really don't want a long engagement. I would lose my mind trying to pace myself in planning for a longer period of time, and we can't even really set a date right now besides, so to me it wouldn't be very meaningful.

When we do get engaged, it will likely only be for a few months. I don't know if I'll get roped into doing a more traditional wedding for our families, but I really just want to plan a fun vacation, go and get married, and get home and back to our new and improved life together. I don't see that taking too long to plan.

CLoGreenEyes

Strokes. Omigosh. I'm done Knotting on this phone.

leia1979

We did one year exactly (9/17/10 to 9/17/11). I told H I wanted a year, and that's what I got. I think it was a good balance, allowing us time to take a couple months off from planning in the middle. Of course, it's all individual preference.

Pepper6

I think the length of time dating before an engagement is much more important than the length of the engagement itself.  In general, I think a good rule of thumb for dating to engagement is a year, but it still depends completely on what's right for each couple.

I find it slightly odd that people would plan for ridiculously long engagements specifically for achieving other goals (ie, 6 year engagement in order to finish school), because I think it would be less stressful to just wait to get engaged when you are closer, but to each his own.  If that's what works for that couple, then more power to them.

We had a 14 month engagement because we wanted to get married in November, and we got engaged in September.  We didn't want to attempt planning a wedding in 2 months, so we pushed it to the following year.  

bethsmiles

BF and I will not be having a long engagement. We've been dating for 5 years (our anniversary is this weekend! yay!) and we're ready to plan the wedding and be married. I'm guessing our engagement would be 10 to 11 months.

I don't really understand engagements that are 2+ years, why not just wait to get engaged? I'm sure it works for some people to have longer engagements but it's definitely not something I would want to do.

loves2shop4shoes

We had an (almost to the day) 2 year engagement.

It was long as hell.

500days

I have no idea how long my engagement will be. Just went to our first venue and they are booked until winter 2015. The other place I want to go look at gave me a list through 2015 with dates that are already taken. We know how many are on the guest list but have no idea what a good deal will be or what date we will go with. The search continues...

bethsmiles

@500days - that seems crazy to me that a venue is completely booked 2 years out!

500days

@bethsmiles, it's more like January or February 2015. So over a year. I feel like I'm going to have to see a lot of places.

bethsmiles

500days said:

@bethsmiles, it's more like January or February 2015. So over a year. I feel like I'm going to have to see a lot of places.

Oh ok. I guess that makes some sense for a really popular venue.

cu97tiger

We had been dating for just over 3 years, and had an 8 month engagement. I would have married him the next day if our people all could have been there. I agree with whoever said it's less about the time of the engagement than it is the total time the couple has been together and how their communication skills are.

I will say that planning the wedding brought us face-to-face with tough issues we hadn't had to deal with yet, so if we had done something super-quick, we might not have had the 'practice' of how we will deal with certain things in the future.