Would this bother you?

loves2shop4shoes

Hi Everyone,

So my mother's birthday is this weekend.  As a birthday present, my brother and I (who live within 1 mile of each other in Chicago) bought my mom (who is single, and lives in NY) a plane ticket to come out to Chicago for the weekend, so she could have some company.

My mom is coming out tomorrow and is all excited to have birthday plans.

Two weeks ago (or so), I was on the phone with my mom and we were talking about her impending visit.  I asked her if she was planning on staying at my place or my brother's.  (For reference, my brother and I both have 1 bedroom apartments.  My brother lives in a very, very flashy luxury high-rise.  I live in a one bedroom as well, with slightly more square footage than he has.  Both of us are in fantastic neighborhoods.)  She said that no one had mentioned it, and she was waiting for one of us to invite her to stay at their place.

I immediately said I'd love it if she would stay at my place.  And she agreed.  No mention of it since.

Well, I was on the phone with my brother tonight, and he said my mom was staying at his place.  I was confused and so I called my mom.  My mom said that, despite the fact that we had already agreed that she'd stay with me, my brother finally offered last night, so she's going to stay at his house...and said that it'd be good to get to know his BF better.  (She absolutely DESPISES his BF and tells me this at EVERY opportunity.)

Am I wrong or crazy to feel rejected?  Would this bother you?  I feel like she's staying with my brother because he's her "favorite."

HELP.

bethsmiles

I'd definitely be annoyed that she changed plans without telling me and at the last minute and I don't think it's crazy to feel a little bit rejected. But if I'd be really upset depends on this is a pattern of behavior or not. Does she usually show some preference for you brother?

loves2shop4shoes

I'd definitely be annoyed that she changed plans without telling me and at the last minute and I don't think it's crazy to feel a little bit rejected. But if I'd be really upset depends on this is a pattern of behavior or not. Does she usually show some preference for you brother?

She says she has no favorites.  But he's always all TEAM MOMMY about anything between her and my dad...so she's definitely shown some favoritism towards him there.

KeptInStitches

I'd be irritated that she changed plans at the last minute, for sure. Probably even feel rejected, and I'd probably drown that in a pint of Haagen-Dazs.

loves2shop4shoes

KeptInStitches said:

I'd be irritated that she changed plans at the last minute, for sure. Probably even feel rejected, and I'd probably drown that in a pint of Haagen-Dazs.

The number of pints of Haagen Dazs my family has cost me over the years = the reason I am fat.

phira

I don't know the details of your family dynamic, but my sister recently told me that our mom "hates" her for not being estranged from our dad (like I am). It really bothered me, since I know my mom loves all of us, and doesn't favor me just because I'm estranged from her ex-husband. Again, I don't know the exact details, but I know that it really hurt me to hear what my sister said, and as the supposed "team mommy" person in our family, I felt like it was really unfair.

BUT I definitely would let your mom know, "I understand why you changed your mind, but I really feel hurt that you didn't tell me that your plans had changed. In the future, please let me know. I was all ready to have you stay with me, and now I'm really disappointed." I wouldn't pretend not to be disappointed, and if she gives you any excuses--anything besides, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that. You're right, I should have told you"--just say, "Again, I'm hurt that you didn't tell me. In the future, you should let me know. Anyway," and then change the subject.

And yeah. Ice cream.

loves2shop4shoes

I don't know the details of your family dynamic, but my sister recently told me that our mom "hates" her for not being estranged from our dad (like I am). It really bothered me, since I know my mom loves all of us, and doesn't favor me just because I'm estranged from her ex-husband. Again, I don't know the exact details, but I know that it really hurt me to hear what my sister said, and as the supposed "team mommy" person in our family, I felt like it was really unfair.

BUT I definitely would let your mom know, "I understand why you changed your mind, but I really feel hurt that you didn't tell me that your plans had changed. In the future, please let me know. I was all ready to have you stay with me, and now I'm really disappointed." I wouldn't pretend not to be disappointed, and if she gives you any excuses--anything besides, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that. You're right, I should have told you"--just say, "Again, I'm hurt that you didn't tell me. In the future, you should let me know. Anyway," and then change the subject.

And yeah. Ice cream.

But the thing is...I don't understand why she changed her mind.  My place was good enough for her to stay at until the Golden Child offered up his place?

Like, if she had planned to stay with him from the get-go, then fine.  But we made plans, and she changed them for no reason.  His place is fancier than mine, but it's not any bigger or more comfortable.  And his BF (who lives with him) is someone she actively despises.

Makes no sense, other than she wanted to stay with her "favorite".

phira

I get that. I guess what I'm saying is that okay, be mad at your mom. But as the person in your brother's shoes in my family, I constantly feel angry that my siblings treat me like I did something wrong to make our mom "not like them as much."

bride2b71614

Ditto to all PPs. Its really upsetting to feel like you are being cast aside, even though it might not even be the case. Since the birthday festivities are tomorrow, I would put the feeling of being rejected aside (even though it fucking sucks), and just enjoy her birthday. If its still bothering you after her stay, have a discussion with her. I was thinking about the phone conversation and how my mother acts sometimes. Between my sister and I, if she prompts someone for an invitation and they invite her, she will go with the person who formally invited her without prompting. When you spoke two weeks ago she said no one "invited" her, and you invited her after that. Maybe because your brother "invited" her without being prompted she decided to stay at his place? Its still fucked up and feels terrible, but it could be something to consider...?

cu97tiger

Yep, that would bother me. To me, it isn't about favoritism, it's just about common decency. If she had a reason for switching locations, she should have told you, since she had already agreed to stay with you. I would let it ruin her birthday weekend, but might bring it up to her after she's home... 'hey mom, I'm sure you had a good reason for choosing to stay with Brother, but it did hurt my feelings. I was looking forward to having you stay here, and I thought we'd agreed that's what would happen.'

Like bride2b said, she may have had a reason, but she should have communicated that to you. Hugs.

@phira - I see what you're saying, but in no way is shoes saying she's blaming her brother for this.

[Deleted User]

from what I remember, your mom has lots of drama.  drama may be all she knows.  maybe you can chalk it up to that and try not to take it personally or let it get to you: it's not YOU, it's just how she is.  you can't change her, so do what you can to change your response to her.  enjoy the weekend with your mom... and maybe it's a good thing she's staying with your brother.  you get to spend time with her and have fun, but in the end she goes home with your bro and he has to deal with the mess!!

lennonkdc

I'm sorry Shoes, I know your feelings are hurt. I wouldn't think of it as 'your place isn't good enough' b/c you don't know how the conversation between your mom and brother went down. Maybe he begged her to stay there b/c he knows she hates his BF? Put yourself in your brothers shoes, Maybe it looked to him like she agreed to stay with you b/c she hates his BF and can't even spend time in the same house...IDK, I would just try to give them both the benefit of the doubt.  

I know that sibling relationship are really hard, esp when one of them feels like the other is the 'favorite'. Try to find a time, after this trip, to explain to your mom that your feelings were hurt, and ask if the next time she's in town she would stay at your place. Just don't let it ruin your time with her and try not to let it but a wedge between you and your brother. 

minskat30

I'm sorry too Shoes.  I would be really pissed and hurt too.  I agree with @lennonkdc about giving the situation the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe she did view this as an act of "goodwill" to try to get to know your brother's BF.  It is hard not to take it personally though.  Hugs to you.

loves2shop4shoes

Sigh.  I just need to put on my fake happy face for the weekend and deal with it.

I'm just over the favoritism.  Like...she wonders why our relationship isn't so good?  This is it.

I'll be honest though, I'm not inviting her to stay with me anymore.  She can stay at my brother's.