Wedding has been flipped up side down with big changes.

nee2bwed

My fiance and I had planned to get married on our 10th anniversary of our relationship. It has been pushed back due to our situation. He knows I really wanted to get married June 25, 2015. So he asked if I wanted to have a ceremony then wait to get it legalized later. I don't feel right about it. I've heard of people getting the license but having a ceremony later on. And I'm fine with that. I don't know what I should do. Is a ceremony first wrong? 

msdds51

I don't understand.  Are you saying you'd go through the motions, say vows, etc, but NOT get your marriage license and be legally married?  What's the point, then?

LondonLisa

nee2bwed said:

My fiance and I had planned to get married on our 10th anniversary of our relationship. It has been pushed back due to our situation. He knows I really wanted to get married June 25, 2015. So he asked if I wanted to have a ceremony then wait to get it legalized later. I don't feel right about it. I've heard of people getting the license but having a ceremony later on. And I'm fine with that. I don't know what I should do. Is a ceremony first wrong? 

A wedding is an event in which you are wed. The day you legalise your wedding is the day you are married whether at the JOP or in a church. Anything else is a fake ceremony PPD and rude to your guests. It is wrong to have a wedding and not get married. Why go through the motions of having a wedding when it is all fake? You will have spent all this money and have nothing to show for it! 

LondonLisa

@grumbledore put together some great and really helpful info about "weddings" where people are not wed. You can find it here (Click)

Quoted below:

It’s time to address another very common question from TK posters.  Every week, many new members find the Etiquette or Reception Ideas forums and post something similar to the following:

“Hi everyone!  I’m just starting to plan my wedding and I’m looking for ideas on how to make it really special.  My FI and I were married at the courthouse a few months ago, but now it’s time to plan our real wedding!”

or

“Hi, I’m wondering how to plan my formal wedding - where do I start?  We signed our marriage license and made it legal last year because my FI lost his job and needed insurance coverage, but we didn’t get to have the wedding we always dreamed of.”

or

“My FI and I were legally married last year in secret because he was being deployed and we wanted to make sure I was covered by his military benefits and would be notified immediately if anything happened to him - now he’s back and we’re getting married for real!  Any cute ideas for how to ask my friend to be my Maid of Honor?”

Hopefully, you get the idea.  Couple elopes/has a very small, informal wedding for (insert extenuating circumstance here) and now they want a do-over.

Here at TK, we often refer to this wedding do-over as a PPD, or Pretty Princess Day.


Let’s go over the many reasons why having a wedding do-over, or PPD, is never a good idea - PPD FAQ TIME!
Is it okay to have a second/better/real wedding if my original wedding was a disappointment/emergency/elopement?  No. But my original wedding was just me, my FI and a JOP - it was unromantic, none of my friends and family were there, and I regret it!  Unfortunately, this is a hazard of choosing to rush and get married without considering how you might feel about it later.  The fact is, you are already married - the day that you stood in front of the JOP was the day that you married your husband. But, it didn’t feel like a wedding!  It didn’t have the trappings of a Western wedding, true, but it was no less a wedding.  Marriage is a legally binding contract - the moment that you enter into the contract, you are married.  Whether you had a fancy dress, or a bouquet, or a limousine ride, or a first dance in front of your loved ones is irrelevant - the only thing required on a wedding day is that a legal marriage is performed. But, no one got to see it, now they can! No, they can't. They weren't there when you got married. That ship has sailed. Now, all you are offering them is a cheap re-enactment of that moment. It isn't the same and it can't be the same. While you may regret it, it's done, own your choice. But, that’s not fair.  I deserve to have the wedding I always dreamed of!  It may seem unfair, but assuming you married after the age of 18 under your own power and authority, you made this choice.  You could have waited, but you chose to get married when and how you did, and you should own that decision and move on.  Also, remember that a wedding, complete with all the little details we all love, is not a right or a requirement.  It is a luxury.
But, we were married at the courthouse and I always wanted to be married in my church! Once again, you made the choice to be married in a civil ceremony. No one will judge you for going to your place of worship and asking that your marriage be blessed/considered valid/etc under the tenets of your religion. But do it privately, or with a few close family members, and don't call it a "wedding" or have any of the other trappings of a "wedding." It's not appropriate or necessary. if you are looking for validation from your religion, then get it, but don't use it as an excuse for a do-over. BUT, it wasn’t a choice really.  I needed insurance/housing/(insert other benefit here)!  Marrying for any one of these reasons does not make you any less married.  IF you choose to get married quickly in order to gain insurance coverage, housing, or any other federal/legal benefit, the day you do so is your wedding day.  You are not entitled to a do-over - even if you regret the decision. Well, whatever, my friends and family love me and none of them has a problem with this!  Be careful here.  Peruse the boards for a few hours and you will find many, many stories of friends and family who were guests or otherwise involved in a wedding do-over who never said a single word to the bride & groom but still resent them/took issue with it/think less of them now for doing it/just generally had a bad time.  Your friends and family will usually keep their mouths shut in this situation - not because they condone your actions, but because they love you and they don’t want to hurt you.  Give them the same treatment in return, and don’t do this to them. No one knows we are married - what they don’t know won’t hurt them.  This will be our only wedding for them.  This is possibly the worst case PPD scenario.  Lying to your friends and family will come back to bite you every time.  People will find out, and they will be angry/hurt/resentful.  They will hold it against you indefinitely.  Do yourself a favor - these are the people you love most in the world - be honest with them.  They will feel tricked and insulted if you have a PPD and don’t tell them - even moreso than if you do it without lying. Talking Points: The day that you were legally married was your wedding day.  You are not entitled to a second one unless your current marriage ends and you remarry. The man you legally married is now your husband, stop calling him your FI/fiance. No one is entitled to a big, fancy wedding - if that is what you want, plan it and execute it properly.  Don’t take a shortcut and try to take it back later. Do not lie to your friends and family - they will resent you for it, even if they never tell you. Congratulations, you’re already married - we hope you have a wonderful, long, happy marriage! As always, remember that this was written by a stranger who has no ill will toward you or reason to lie.  It was written by someone who has been invited to a wedding do-over and was not happy about it.  It was written by someone who knew many other guests at that wedding do-over and heard first-hand how unhappy they were about it.  Remember that your friends and family love you and will lie to your face to keep you happy.

hmonkey

^ wtf. i mean, really. ^

hmonkey

^ wtf. i mean, really. ^

PirateBarbie

nee2bwed said:

My fiance and I had planned to get married on our 10th anniversary of our relationship. It has been pushed back due to our situation. He knows I really wanted to get married June 25, 2015. So he asked if I wanted to have a ceremony then wait to get it legalized later. I don't feel right about it. I've heard of people getting the license but having a ceremony later on. And I'm fine with that. I don't know what I should do. Is a ceremony first wrong? 

what a cop out. seriously? what situation is preventing you from getting married on a date in 1.75 YEARS?

a wedding reception without an actual wedding is just a party. why in the world would you have a party to celebrate something that never actually happened? you could have a party, walk out of the venue, get run over by a car and die - and never actually get around to getting married. 

mrsconn23

Kss and LondonLisa have me like this:

LondonLisa

@Mrs.conn23- Sorry, I don't understand what about my post is side-eye worthy? I was just saying I don't understand what the point of having a "wedding" ceremony where you aren't legally wed. 

VarunaTT

I know I'm guilty of the vow renewal, but really.  As long as no one is lying about it or expecting any sort of gifts or treatment like you aren't married already (i.e. no registries, showers or bachelor/bachelorette parties) I don't really see the BFD.  It's a party.  That's what they always are for your guests.

And I still remember certain friends having a pouty moment b/c DH and I wouldn't let them do the other stuffs (shower and bachelor party were the big ones).  As long as the couple isn't being...weird, I guess, who cares this much?

mrsconn23

@VarunaTT - It's not a wedding though...It's a 'pre-wedding' of some sort...They want to have a wedding, but not sign the paper until their 10th anniversary...I guess?  That's odd.

And @LondonLisa - Your breakdown is what is side-eye worthy.  That's a lot of words to say, "The day you get married legally is your wedding date".

doeydo

What is pushing back the wedding that was planned for 2015?  Why would you want to have a ceremony etc. but not get legally married until later?

VarunaTT

I was more talking about that ginourmous thing LondonLisa linked to.

Yeah, I don't get OP either.  We always get brides wanting to get married on a certain date but don't have $ for the big bash or one party is unavailable for the date.  I wonder what would force the actual marriage back, but not party?  

So, my imagination has gone wild and I'm imagining someone is waiting for a divorce to go through?  

VarunaTT

ember joined March 2011, this is first post?  And with that pic, I'm wondering if someone is having to wait to age of consent to be reached?

Do we have a new AE?  *gasp*

PirateBarbie

@VarunaTT - I had the same thought - but, almost 2 (more) years for a divorce? does it take that long? I have no personal experience, but most of my friends seem like it took them ~90 days or less.  

mrsconn23

It can depend on the state.  Here, you can get the divorced dispensed within 60 days from the filing date.  There are some states that require a separation period prior to being able to file for divorce.  

VarunaTT

It depends on your state and if it's contested.  A contested (i.e. probably acrimonious) can take a long time, if mediation and trials are happening.  Or if someone did one of those covenant marriages or whatever that you have to be separated for 2 years.

Kermit flail is making me ill, I might have to take him out.

IDK, this just seems a weird reversal from the norm.  I wish OP would come back and give more info.  @nee2bwed, where are you?!

PirateBarbie

it's amazing that you have to wait so long for a legal divorce, yet you only have to wait a few days (max) to get married in most states. 

msdds51

@mrs.conn23

 

What did I say wrong, now?

mrsconn23

kss20 said:

@mrs.conn23

 

What did I say wrong, now?

Whoops!  I meant the OP.  I got y'all mixed up.

jojobrn

VarunaTT said:

I know I'm guilty of the vow renewal, but really.  As long as no one is lying about it or expecting any sort of gifts or treatment like you aren't married already (i.e. no registries, showers or bachelor/bachelorette parties) I don't really see the BFD.  It's a party.  That's what they always are for your guests.

And I still remember certain friends having a pouty moment b/c DH and I wouldn't let them do the other stuffs (shower and bachelor party were the big ones).  As long as the couple isn't being...weird, I guess, who cares this much?

Yeah, us too. I loved my PPD, thankyouverymuch. And guess what, everyone knew, and no one cared. 

*This* whole thing though strikes me as very odd indeed though.

zitiqueen

nee2bwed said:

My fiance and I had planned to get married on our 10th anniversary of our relationship. It has been pushed back due to our situation. He knows I really wanted to get married June 25, 2015. So he asked if I wanted to have a ceremony then wait to get it legalized later. I don't feel right about it. I've heard of people getting the license but having a ceremony later on. And I'm fine with that. I don't know what I should do. Is a ceremony first wrong? 

You want to get married on a Thursday, just because it's your dating anniversary? Beebee.