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Etiquette

Marketing your wedding Re-Do: Managing the "real" wedding: The Church

faithallfaithall member
5 Love Its First Comment
edited September 2013 in Etiquette

Marketing your wedding Re-Do:

I recently read a thread containing advice for couples that for whatever reason had to marry legally and weren't afforded the opportunity to have a “proper wedding”. Now, because you have the time, money, ect. You’d like to have the wedding of your dreams. I say go for it. Think of this as your Wedding Celebration.

I do agree with the article I read. If you are already married, you cannot properly call it a “wedding”. Advertising it as such is rude and dishonest to your closest friends and loved ones. Please don't do this. Please don't tell people I told you to do this.

Beyond that, let’s have a little chat, shall we, ladies, one thing at a time? Let’s start with the Church ceremony.

If you were not married in the church (and would like to be), contact your pastor and discuss with him options of having your union blesses by the Church. Many ministers, while their marriage ceremony may differ from officiate to officiate; will have the ability to re-word the ceremony more as a blessing than a re-enactment. Some ministers will even preform a ceremony of your composure, with approval, if you supply him or her with it in time for them to practice.

It is no different from inviting family to a christening or a baptism. The important thing here is to market it properly. Be upfront when you discuss this with the minister. When you word your invitations, consider something like “The blessing of the marriage will occur at 3:00 in the afternoon at St. Johns church”

If you want your ceremony performed outside of the church, you could always invite a poetic friend to conduct the blessing.

Here are some nice blessings to get you started thinking:

A Blessing by Kames Dillet Freeman
Some ideas from Martha Stewart

You are already married, that can’t be changed. But that doesn't mean it shouldn't be celebrated. Happy planning. 

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Re: Marketing your wedding Re-Do: Managing the "real" wedding: The Church

  • Thank you for sharing your advice... please consider participating in discussions about do-overs/PPDs.  Threads like this that start with unsolicited advice rather than a question often go unnoticed. 
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  • Thank you, I will going forward. 
  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2013
    banana468 said:
    Keep in mind that many churches do not view a blessing (Convalidation in the Catholic Church) as an event to be celebrated on a grand scale. Before you (the couple) opt for this, ensure you're doing it for the right reasons and not to be the center of attention for the day.


    ^^^^^^^

    This.  Absolutely have your marriage blessed/validated/whatever by your church - but it's not a wedding, you're not a pretty pretty princess, and many people will not view it as a typical wedding.

    Do it because it's important to you as a person of faith, not because you feel like you missed out on being in the spotlight.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    banana468 said:
    Keep in mind that many churches do not view a blessing (Convalidation in the Catholic Church) as an event to be celebrated on a grand scale. Before you (the couple) opt for this, ensure you're doing it for the right reasons and not to be the center of attention for the day.
    This.

    Just recently on Today and other news outlets this video (http://www.today.com/video/today/53075112#53075112) was shown.  Religious officiants primary concern is that the ceremony taking place is of a religious nature and is not some event for photographers to snap away or for the bride, or in this case, the wife, to be decked out in a huge ballgown.  The point is to make vows, under God's love, to each other.  Thus why convalidations are a way for a couple to be seen as married under their religion (Catholic in this case) NOT to have a do-over wedding.

    grumbledore[Deleted User]Blue_BirdPrettyGirlLost
  • Baptisms and christenings also are one-off events that you don't get to re-do. I'm not sure why you think inviting people to a PPD is 'no different' than inviting them to a christening, but you're wrong.
    I think inviting people to some kind of blessing ceremony would be similar to a christening, however it is still not a wedding and should not be treated as such.

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  • I've never felt motivated to post before. 

    I am not in the position to have to legally marry then try to have to plan a celebration, but I read a post and was surprised by the abruptness of it. I thought this was a place where people could come to get ideas and get help. It's a stressful time, ya know. Then to click on the top post in the Etiquette forum to find a post that was so startling. I think there are things related to etiquette that belong here, that can help brides that are in that situation.  

    Hence the post. 
    photokitty
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I've never felt motivated to post before. 

    I am not in the position to have to legally marry then try to have to plan a celebration, but I read a post and was surprised by the abruptness of it. I thought this was a place where people could come to get ideas and get help. It's a stressful time, ya know. Then to click on the top post in the Etiquette forum to find a post that was so startling. I think there are things related to etiquette that belong here, that can help brides that are in that situation.  

    Hence the post. 
    I'm sorry, but what? What are you getting at exactly?

  • So, it's perfectly acceptable for a bride to want a proper wedding and gifts and the full trappings before she is legally wed. But her wanting those same things after she's wed is unseemly all of a sudden?
  • faithall said:

    So, it's perfectly acceptable for a bride to want a proper wedding and gifts and the full trappings before she is legally wed. But her wanting those same things after she's wed is unseemly all of a sudden?

    Yes for several reasons. Gifts are not required so even with the big fancy wedding with "trappings" they may not get gifts. Bridal showers, b parties are gifts and if no one offers to host, you don't get one, fancy wedding it not. It seems totally inappropriate to have a bridal shower when one isn't a BRIDE.

    And stop saying legally and properly wed. A JOP wedding is legal and proper.

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  • aurianna said:

    faithall said:
    I've never felt motivated to post before. 

    I am not in the position to have to legally marry then try to have to plan a celebration, but I read a post and was surprised by the abruptness of it. I thought this was a place where people could come to get ideas and get help. It's a stressful time, ya know. Then to click on the top post in the Etiquette forum to find a post that was so startling. I think there are things related to etiquette that belong here, that can help brides that are in that situation.  

    Hence the post. 
    It's an etiquette board. The post just explains why PPDs are against etiquette, be it abrupt or not.

    This board gets tons and tons of posts where people try to ask for the best way to host their PPD and it just gets tiring answering and arguing the same question all the time. The sticky at the top is good because people might read that first and have a change of heart before they embarrass themselves by posting a rude plan.

    I understand what you're saying and that it's coming from a good place. However when you really boil it all down... adults choose when, where and how they get married. If they choose a small and/or JOP wedding, that's the choice and it's done.
    If they decide they want to go back and have it blessed in their religious that's a very personal decision and one they are entitled to make. But since it is not a wedding and is very personal, having a gigantic todo within a short time period (especially if it's complete with a big white dress and bridal party) just isn't appropriate. It's an attention grab. If having ones friends and family witness the religious aspect of their wedding was that important to the couple, they would have done it that way the first time.

    We always tell brides and grooms here that no one will be more excited about their wedding than they are. So I think it's safe to assume that no one will be excited about their convalidation/blessing/etc as they are... ten-fold. Those types of events are generally better suited for a more intimate guest list.
    No matter how they "market" it, it will never be the same as a wedding so it should not have the same trappings of a wedding. No big white dress, bridal party, bouquet toss, showers, b-parties.


    I think the sticky agrees with you to a point: if you don't call it a wedding and don't treat it like a wedding (maybe it's just a reception sans wedding traditions as the sticky recommended), you're not necessarily breaking etiquette. But a bride (now-wife) needs to be careful that if she's "marketing" her not-wedding in a certain way, that she isn't starting to fool herself. The line has to be drawn very clear.
    Okay. I am picking up what you are putting down. Thank you.

    Doesn't some of the etiquette for the situation need to be included? regardless of what is is called? Rather than making them feel badly about the choices they've made, shouldn't the attention for how to properly handle what arrangements CAN be made be given instead of "How to play your wedding-redo: Don't do it you big fat jerk"? Why don't those brides deserve that right of passage? It's the same reason people in their 30s and 40s go to second proms to have that life experience or as much of the full experience as is possible? These ladies should have your assistance, not your derision.  
  • I think it is really sad that the word wedding is becoming synonymous with "big party where I am the center of attention" to some people.

    The rite of passage involved in a wedding is the actual marrying someone bit, the part where you commit your life to another person. That is the big life step, not the stroll down the aisle in a ballgown.
    Quoted for truth.
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You should have said that this PPD is no different than a baptism or christening re-do. Would you have one of those for your baby because absent grandparents finally got into town?
    doeydogrumbledoresimplykayla
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In your specific example in your OP, you said that it's fine for a legally married couple to have their marriage blessed by a pastor.  But you can get legally married and have your marriage blessed all at the same time.  It is necessary in European countries to have both a legal & religious ceremony, because the religous ceremony is not recognized by the government there.  But we do not have this issue in the US, you can be religiously & legally married in one ceremony.
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Threadjack: The only way I could see doing a baptism re-do is if the baptism took place the day the baby was born because they thought the baby might not live. My little brother was baptized the day he was born at the hospital because they thought he might not make it. He was re-baptized at the church two months later.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
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    faithall said:
    So, it's perfectly acceptable for a bride to want a proper wedding and gifts and the full trappings before she is legally wed. But her wanting those same things after she's wed is unseemly all of a sudden?
    Her wanting them isn't unseemly, but her putting on a big, fake Pretty Princess Day to get everything she wants after she is already married is absolutely, beyond unseemly.

    Life is about choices.  If you choose to get married wo having your Pretty Princess Day then you don't get the Pretty Princess Day later.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2013
    faithall said:
    So, it's perfectly acceptable for a bride to want a proper wedding and gifts and the full trappings before she is legally wed. But her wanting those same things after she's wed is unseemly all of a sudden?
    Yes, it is.

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