Celtic Hand Tying Ceremony....

loutm28

I really love the Celctic tradition of tying hands in the ceremony that is becoming popular. I love the poem that is read along with it. I'm wondering the etiquette on doing this at my ceremony, even if my cousin just did it at his a few months ago (July). Part of me feels bad for "copying" but the other part of me looks at it like all of the other trends in weddings that happen. Or even like other more traditional unity ceremonies. So, thoughts? Is it okay for me to do the tradition a few months after my cousin's wedding?

emmyg65

Handfasting is a very, very old tradition, so if its meaning resonates with you, you should feel free to do it at your wedding.

LiLe422

loutm28 said:

I really love the Celctic tradition of tying hands in the ceremony that is becoming popular. I love the poem that is read along with it. I'm wondering the etiquette on doing this at my ceremony, even if my cousin just did it at his a few months ago (July). Part of me feels bad for "copying" but the other part of me looks at it like all of the other trends in weddings that happen. Or even like other more traditional unity ceremonies. So, thoughts? Is it okay for me to do the tradition a few months after my cousin's wedding?

First bold: If you view handfasting as just another "trend" you would be "copying" -- you likely do not comprehend the significance behind it.  You may want to school yourself on the custom of handfasting before you incorporate it into your ceremony.
Second bold:  ^^See above^^  If you decide the handfasting is right for you and your FI, of course you can do it.  If you wanted a unity candle, but your cousin had one -- would you think twice about having one?  Same concept.

SunriseAmber

Eh, if you are worried about your cousin getting upset that you are "stealing" the idea then you could always talk to him about it. With that said, i don't think you are copying him or stealing anything. Don't worry about it. Besides if it means something to you and your FI then you should do it.

STARMOON44

All you should worry about is people rolling their eyes at your embracing a tradition that isn't your own because its trendy and cute.

SunriseAmber

STARMOON44 said:

All you should worry about is people rolling their eyes at your embracing a tradition that isn't your own because its trendy and cute.

She isn't doing it just because it's "trendy and cute", she said she liked the words in the poem.

GypsyWife_

Hand tying is the way gypsies get married. If you don't do it, will you still consider yourself married?
If so then hand tying is not for you.
Its a serious part of a wedding ceremony.

STARMOON44

@gypsywife. That's exactly what I'm getting at.

kelceya

That's a bit extreme though, no? My fiance and I are considering a handfasting. We would certainly consider ourselves married without one, but we really love the symbolism of the tradition, and I think it would be a lovely way to honor my grandparents, who emigrated from Ireland.

MrsMack10612

@kelceya - That's the point though, you have some connection to the tradition through your grandparents.  It has meaning to you beyond being a "popular" tradition that you saw once and liked the poem.

In some cultures, like @gypsywife, handfasting IS the marriage ceremony not a separate unity ceremony like the OP is referring to like sand ceremonies or unity candles.

GypsyWife_

If your grandparents did it then I see why you would want to participate in the tradition. If not then I don't get it.

loutm28

STARMOON44 said:

All you should worry about is people rolling their eyes at your embracing a tradition that isn't your own because its trendy and cute.

Wow. All I wanted was a little advice and everyone takes it so personally. For those that offered constructive advice, thank you. I'm not "embracing because it's trendy and cute...." where did I ever say that? I said it WAS a trend.....which it is, if you you've been to more than a few weddings recently. Let's not take the words so literally....perhaps I should have used popular instead to avoid some of the harsh comments.

What I DID say was that the poem meant a lot to me, and the words resonated. Regardless, I appreciate those who offered their thoughts. Thanks!

MrsMack10612

@loutm28 - Handfasting is no different than deciding that you want to get married under a Jewish Chuppah because it's pretty.  It is so much more than a popular trend.  It has a long history and is deeply rooted in the Celtic & Pagan cultures.

It is not non-cultural the way that other unity ceremonies (candles, sand, wine) are.

smalfrie19

The way I am understanding it, its like deciding to have an Indian ceremony when you aren't Indian...

STARMOON44

Is it your tradition? Did your mother do it? Grandmother? Did your future spouse's parents do it? Have you adopted a new religion from your family of birth and this fits into that one?

If not, I think you need to be very careful about using someone else's tradition just because you like it. It's easy to be flip about cultural appropriation, but it can be very hurtful to people who have sacrificed to hang onto their traditions to see them get turned into popular trends.

GypsyWife_

STARMOON44 said:

Is it your tradition? Did your mother do it? Grandmother? Did your future spouse's parents do it? Have you adopted a new religion from your family of birth and this fits into that one?

If not, I think you need to be very careful about using someone else's tradition just because you like it. It's easy to be flip about cultural appropriation, but it can be very hurtful to people who have sacrificed to hang onto their traditions to see them get turned into popular trends.

This this this and this.

SunriseAmber

Who cares? If she likes it and it feels special to her then I'm not understanding the big deal? I've read the sand ceremony was originally Native American or maybe Hawaiian but a lot of people do it and no one says anything. If my culture had a special ceremonial "tying of the hands" or something along those lines then I would be happy someone not of my culture would want to participate in it.

SunriseAmber

STARMOON44 said:

Is it your tradition? Did your mother do it? Grandmother? Did your future spouse's parents do it? Have you adopted a new religion from your family of birth and this fits into that one? If not, I think you need to be very careful about using someone else's tradition just because you like it. It's easy to be flip about cultural appropriation, but it can be very hurtful to people who have sacrificed to hang onto their traditions to see them get turned into popular trends.

First you say people would just eye-roll her because she is doing something "cute and trendy" now you are saying people will be hurt. Seems like you're just jumping on the "don't steal ideas from my culture" band-wagon.

STARMOON44

Nope, her first post sounded like she was trying to be cute and trendy. I don't like that. Her second sounded like she was appropriating a cultural tradition. I also don't like that.

And, actually, people do complain about many of the uses of native heritage in non-native ceremonies. Just possibly not to you, since you don't seem in the slightest interested in considering a minority viewpoint.

GypsyWife_

SunriseAmber said:

Who cares? If she likes it and it feels special to her then I'm not understanding the big deal? I've read the sand ceremony was originally Native American or maybe Hawaiian but a lot of people do it and no one says anything. If my culture had a special ceremonial "tying of the hands" or something along those lines then I would be happy someone not of my culture would want to participate in it.

So let's replace the hand tying tradition with jumping the broom. Do you get it now?

MrsMack10612

SunriseAmber said:

Who cares? If she likes it and it feels special to her then I'm not understanding the big deal? I've read the sand ceremony was originally Native American or maybe Hawaiian but a lot of people do it and no one says anything. If my culture had a special ceremonial "tying of the hands" or something along those lines then I would be happy someone not of my culture would want to participate in it.

I did not know this and if it's true (please provide a reliable source for documentation), I would have the same opinion as I do about handfasting or any other cultural "borrow". 

cowgirl8238

GypsyWife_ said:

show previous quotes

Is it your tradition? Did your mother do it? Grandmother? Did your future spouse's parents do it? Have you adopted a new religion from your family of birth and this fits into that one? If not, I think you need to be very careful about using someone else's tradition just because you like it. It's easy to be flip about cultural appropriation, but it can be very hurtful to people who have sacrificed to hang onto their traditions to see them get turned into popular trends.

This this this and this.

Speaking from my experiences at previous weddings, when the couple does something like this because it is symbolic it is a truely beautiful moment in the ceremony.  One was a Catholic wedding with a unity candle and the second was a "non-traditional" wedding were the bride and groom feel strongly aligned with Norse beleifs.  The officiant discussed the importance of the ritual to the bride and groom before they did it and it was a very nice touch.

On the opposite side I was at two weddings were the bride and groom "liked" something but it didn't seem to have any meaning to it.  The officiants just recited the same tired speech for both of them (also hand fastings) almost word for word! Although it was a nice poem/idea it just didn't feel geniune and made people roll their eyes.

IMO if it is truly necessary and/or something you feel VERY strongly about, I would say go ahead.  If not I would skip it.  I personally like the hand fasting ritual but beacuse it has no real signaficance to me of the FI we are not doing it!  Just my thoughts though!

Edit: For Clarity

laylasaurus

Just FYI-

The tradition of tying of a cord  around the bride and groom hands to symbolize unity is not unique to the Celtic/Pagan handfasting ceremony. In fact, many different cultures around the world use their own variations of this ceremony, some cultures use a ribbon, or braided grass, or beads.  Some include elements of superstition (protection from evil spirits etc) but in all of them the core meaning is essentially the same- the joining of two people in unity and love.   The symbolism here isn't something that can't be understood or have significant meaning to those outside of the Pagan culture. Because of this, I wouldn't necessarily consider it a cultural appropriation the way I would if you were to have a traditional Indian ceremony, complete with groom on horse, all the henna and Indian garb, etc when you aren't Indian.  

However, it all depends in the way you precede.  If you go word for word following the traditional Celtic ceremony when you have no real ties to this culture, I'd side-eye it.  What would be appropriate, is taking the basic concept and making the ceremony your own, specific to you and FI.  What is it that specifically speaks to you about this? Do you just like the poem, or is the meaning of the poem what is important to you?  You can convey the same meaning without specifically copying a poem from a culture that isn't yours.  What does the joining of your hands, and each cord wrapped around them mean to YOU?  

I would agree with all the others though, if you just want this tradition incorporated into your ceremony just because "you like it", then don't use it.  Only use it if it truly speaks to you and your FI's values and what will make you truly feel married. Don't just copy a cultural tradition because you think its cute.  I suggest you research this tradition in its many different forms.  

lauralee1723

Just my 2 cents.... I went to a wedding this past May and the couple had their hands tied together with what their officiant called a "God knot." Basically the same type of ceremony but instead of it being a celtic thing, they made it a Christian thing. If the act of having your hands tied together speaks to you, find a way to make it your own!

SquishyMine

cowgirl8238 said:

show previous quotes

GypsyWife_ said:

Is it your tradition? Did your mother do it? Grandmother? Did your future spouse's parents do it? Have you adopted a new religion from your family of birth and this fits into that one? If not, I think you need to be very careful about using someone else's tradition just because you like it. It's easy to be flip about cultural appropriation, but it can be very hurtful to people who have sacrificed to hang onto their traditions to see them get turned into popular trends.

This this this and this.

Speaking from my experiences at previous weddings, when the couple does something like this because it is symbolic it is a truely beautiful moment in the ceremony.  One was a Catholic wedding with a unity candle and the second was a "non-traditional" wedding were the bride and groom feel strongly aligned with Norse beleifs.  The officiant discussed the importance of the ritual to the bride and groom before they did it and it was a very nice touch.

On the opposite side I was at two weddings were the bride and groom "liked" something but it didn't seem to have any meaning to it.  The officiants just recited the same tired speech for both of them (also hand fastings) almost word for word! Although it was a nice poem/idea it just didn't feel geniune and made people roll their eyes.

IMO if it is truly necessary and/or something you feel VERY strongly about, I would say go ahead.  If not I would skip it.  I personally like the hand fasting ritual but beacuse it has no real signaficance to me of the FI we are not doing it!  Just my thoughts though!

Edit: For Clarity

The  unity candle is not a Catholic tradition.  

erinlin25

Is this like the Irish Hand Ceremony?  We used the poem but I did not want to do the ribbon tying.  Our reverend read it after we exchanged rings. It was great and people really enjoyed it.  It was "different" to them, but even if someone at my wedding wanted to use it at theirs who am I to judge-- I know I'm not the only person who used it.  So it should not matter if its "been done" before.  The meaning behind it is beautiful, so if you like it, use it. 

HisGirlFriday13

STARMOON44 said:

Is it your tradition? Did your mother do it? Grandmother? Did your future spouse's parents do it? Have you adopted a new religion from your family of birth and this fits into that one? If not, I think you need to be very careful about using someone else's tradition just because you like it. It's easy to be flip about cultural appropriation, but it can be very hurtful to people who have sacrificed to hang onto their traditions to see them get turned into popular trends.

This times about a million. My father's family emigrated from Ireland; my fiance's family from Ireland and Scotland. We absolutely could have incorporated this into our wedding, but chose not to. 

I went to a wedding once where the white bride and groom "jumped the broom," which is a traditionally African-American tradition with roots that go back to the time of slavery. They thought it was "cute." I thought it was horrible, offensive, racially insensitive statement. 

There's a lot of great poetry out there -- find another piece that you like and incorporate that.

cowgirl8238

SquishyMine said:

show previous quotes

cowgirl8238 said:

GypsyWife_ said:

Is it your tradition? Did your mother do it? Grandmother? Did your future spouse's parents do it? Have you adopted a new religion from your family of birth and this fits into that one? If not, I think you need to be very careful about using someone else's tradition just because you like it. It's easy to be flip about cultural appropriation, but it can be very hurtful to people who have sacrificed to hang onto their traditions to see them get turned into popular trends.

This this this and this.

Speaking from my experiences at previous weddings, when the couple does something like this because it is symbolic, it is a truly beautiful moment in the ceremony.  One was a Catholic wedding with a unity candle and the second was a "non-traditional" wedding were the bride and groom feel strongly aligned with Norse beleifs.  The officiant discussed the importance of the ritual to the bride and groom before they did it and it was a very nice touch.

On the opposite side I was at two weddings were the bride and groom "liked" something but it didn't seem to have any meaning to it.  The officiants just recited the same tired speech for both of them (also hand fastings) almost word for word! Although it was a nice poem/idea it just didn't feel geniune and made people roll their eyes.

IMO if it is truly necessary and/or something you feel VERY strongly about, I would say go ahead.  If not I would skip it.  I personally like the hand fasting ritual but beacuse it has no real signaficance to me of the FI we are not doing it!  Just my thoughts though!

Edit: For Clarity

The  unity candle is not a Catholic tradition.  

Sorry if I was not clear on that, I was just saying that the wedding was catholic and they used a unity candle.  I honestly have no idea where that tradition started.  I meant it as more of the couple incorporated it into their ceremony in a way that made it personal to them.  They felt a close relationship to god and had the priest light one of the wicks, then they each lit their own candle and the three of them lit the main unity candle together as a symbol of their commit to one another before god.  For them it was important to include this, not just to have something in their ceremony.

A fun addition too.  My cousin and her husband did a joint tree planting at their wedding where they incorperated soil from both their mothers homes to symbolize their union.  It may not be for me, but it spoke to them and that makes it special.  I just don't like when people do something because it looks cute or it trendy or whatnot.

KeptInStitches

I think the unity candle tradition started on a soap opera - I want to say The Young and The Restless?

lauralee1723

KeptInStitches said:

I think the unity candle tradition started on a soap opera - I want to say The Young and The Restless?

Seriously?

southernbelle0915

For @gypsywife_ and everyone else - serious (possibly ignorant) question: 

What if the OP had a reader read the poem (as a piece of literature that resonates with her) but they didn't actually perform the ritual? Is this worse? Better? Same?