Tip Jars

Jen4948

eileenrob said:

To clarify on my original quote, it goes without saying that the couple tips everyone who works at their wedding (valet, coat check guy) in addition to paying them.  BUT, guests who use the services also tip (in NYC anyway). 
Just because it's a wedding shouldn't change a common courtesy: if I am out at a bar with friends, I tip the bartender who just made my drink after paying him.  If I'm at a wedding, I didn't pay for the drink (don't get me started on cash bars lol...) but of course I'd still tip him, he just provided me a service.  A couple that put out tips jars encouraging guests to tip would be rude, but guests not tipping on their own are also very rude, in my opinion. 
Again, though, the hosts should tip everyone who works at their wedding in addition to paying them.  That's what hubby and I did.  I was relieved to see our family and friends slipping the bartenders and valets bills as they were served though- we invited a classy bunch.

Nope.  The guests do not tip on top of the hosts.  They are invited to a hosted event and have the right to expect not to open their wallets-including for tips.  All gratuities, coat checks, and other fees should be paid for by the hosts-even in NYC.

mel&josh2015

You could always do a "in lieu of favors a donation has been made" thing or ask for a donation to the cause instead of a gift. Personally I would not like to see a tip jar. I was at a wedding where someone passed around a jar for guests to give money to the bride and groom. I was so surprised and felt like I had to give. Very awkward.

MobKaz

eileenrob said: To clarify on my original quote, it goes without saying that the couple tips everyone who works at their wedding (valet, coat check guy) in addition to paying them.  BUT, guests who use the services also tip (in NYC anyway). 
Just because it's a wedding shouldn't change a common courtesy: if I am out at a bar with friends, I tip the bartender who just made my drink after paying him.  If I'm at a wedding, I didn't pay for the drink (don't get me started on cash bars lol...) but of course I'd still tip him, he just provided me a service.  A couple that put out tips jars encouraging guests to tip would be rude, but guests not tipping on their own are also very rude, in my opinion. 
Again, though, the hosts should tip everyone who works at their wedding in addition to paying them.  That's what hubby and I did.  I was relieved to see our family and friends slipping the bartenders and valets bills as they were served though- we invited a classy bunch.



I understand what you are saying and agree with you.  Perhaps it's a city thing?  Almost every wedding we attend is an open bar.  As hosts, we pay generous gratuities to the waitstaff and bartenders.  However, the majority of our friends and family, even knowing that the staff has been tipped ahead of time, cannot accept a drink order without putting down a small tip.  It's downright reflexive in our family.  My brothers in particular are generous tippers because they appreciate the improved (fast) service they get as a result of their generosity.  

They know it is not expected.  They know it is not necessary.  They know it has been taken care of by the hosts.  They choose to do it as a common courtesy.  

Viczaesar

mel&josh2015 said:

You could always do a "in lieu of favors a donation has been made" thing or ask for a donation to the cause instead of a gift. Personally I would not like to see a tip jar. I was at a wedding where someone passed around a jar for guests to give money to the bride and groom. I was so surprised and felt like I had to give. Very awkward.

No, that is inappropriate too.

huskypuppy14

@jen4948 and mobkaz so I'm rude because I don't tip at open bars?  Most of my friends and family do tip at open bars, I'm just saying it's not necessary. They are already getting tipped. Would you double tip  the server, if someone took you out to dinner?  It's your money, if you want to tip on top of the hosts tip, go for it. But it is NOT rude for guests to not tip.  

Also, I used to be in the restaurant business, and I tip well when I'm paying for the bill. 

My brothers in particular are generous tippers because they appreciate the improved (fast) service they get as a result of their generosity.

So your brothers are paying to get faster service than the other guests? That is rude.  

Dreamergirl8812

mel&josh2015 said:

You could always do a "in lieu of favors a donation has been made" thing or ask for a donation to the cause instead of a gift. Personally I would not like to see a tip jar. I was at a wedding where someone passed around a jar for guests to give money to the bride and groom. I was so surprised and felt like I had to give. Very awkward.

No, please do not do this. It's rude and awkward.

Jen4948

laurynm84 said:

@jen4948 and mobkaz so I'm rude because I don't tip at open bars?  Most of my friends and family do tip at open bars, I'm just saying it's not necessary. They are already getting tipped. Would you double tip  the server, if someone took you out to dinner?  It's your money, if you want to tip on top of the hosts tip, go for it. But it is NOT rude for guests to not tip.  

Also, I used to be in the restaurant business, and I tip well when I'm paying for the bill. 

My brothers in particular are generous tippers because they appreciate the improved (fast) service they get as a result of their generosity.

So your brothers are paying to get faster service than the other guests? That is rude.  

No, you're not rude-what we're saying is that guests at a hosted event, whether it's at a venue with a bar, coat check, or whatever, should not be expected to tip.  Hosts should not plan to pass these costs on to their guests.  If a guest takes it upon him or herself to tip on top of what the hosts are already paying for to the venue and/or the staff, that's one thing, but I agree that if someone is paying to get faster service or something that isn't provided by the hosts, they are being rude.

KeptInStitches

mel&josh2015 said:

You could always do a "in lieu of favors a donation has been made" thing or ask for a donation to the cause instead of a gift. Personally I would not like to see a tip jar. I was at a wedding where someone passed around a jar for guests to give money to the bride and groom. I was so surprised and felt like I had to give. Very awkward.

No, please do not do this. It's rude and awkward.

To elaborate, it's really self-indulgent. It's like posting a notice that "Instead of favors, we bought a goat for a village in Africa!" Keep your charitable donations and wedding separate.

Jen4948

mel&josh2015 said:

You could always do a "in lieu of favors a donation has been made" thing or ask for a donation to the cause instead of a gift. Personally I would not like to see a tip jar. I was at a wedding where someone passed around a jar for guests to give money to the bride and groom. I was so surprised and felt like I had to give. Very awkward.

A guest being asked to donate to a cause they do not support would also feel very awkward.

Weddings are not the appropriate time or place to shill for charity.  Don't do "in lieu of favors."  It comes across as very AWish and not selfless or altruistic.

huskypuppy14

@jen4948 oops I responded to the wrong person. I see you were agreeing with me.

mel&josh2015

KeptInStitches said:

To elaborate, it's really self-indulgent. It's like posting a notice that "Instead of favors, we bought a goat for a village in Africa!" Keep your charitable donations and wedding separate.

Good point about keeping it separate.  When I worked at the humane society, I had a couple come through our door that refused gifts. If people asked where they were registered, they told them to give a donation to the shelter instead. They had everything they needed, and the homeless animals clearly did not. Would you be able to elaborate more however on how this is self indulgent? I felt what that couple did was quite selfless.

mel&josh2015

Jen4948 said:

A guest being asked to donate to a cause they do not support would also feel very awkward.

That is actually a really good point, and something I hadn't thought of. Thanks!

mysticl

mel&josh2015 said:

KeptInStitches said:

To elaborate, it's really self-indulgent. It's like posting a notice that "Instead of favors, we bought a goat for a village in Africa!" Keep your charitable donations and wedding separate.

Good point about keeping it separate.  When I worked at the humane society, I had a couple come through our door that refused gifts. If people asked where they were registered, they told them to give a donation to the shelter instead. They had everything they needed, and the homeless animals clearly did not. Would you be able to elaborate more however on how this is self indulgent? I felt what that couple did was quite selfless.

Because it looks like they are saying "look at me, look at what a wonderful person I am for donating to a charity".  The couple could have just said they weren't registered.  In which case people would most likely have given them money and they could have quietly donated the money to the shelter.  

palrmt

I agree that charities and causes should be kept far away from a wedding.  I donate on my own to my local human society, but if asked to do so in lieu of a gift for wedding, it would rub me the wrong way.  And there is bound to be at least one person on the guest list who does not want to support the humane society.  I am a huge animal love.  My husband's boss cant stand them.  Doesn't even want a fish.  He's a great guy.  He's just not an animal lover.  Asking someone to donate to a cause is inappropriate and you're bound to offend someone along the way. 

As far as tipping as a guest, I do it but not because I'm trying to get better service.  I do it because I want to and because I grew up watching my grandparents and parents do it.  I also do it in appreciation of the service being provided. 

JaneAustensGhost

johnson.kmarie said:

We were going to tip him regardless of a jar, I was just trying to come up with a way to help additionally. Oh well!

JaneAustensGhost said:

I personally don't think it's a good cause and I'm sure there are others who feel as I do.   But that is beside the point.  It is rude to use your wedding as a fundraiser.

So is that jab you just took. Your last sentence is all that was required to make your point, but I understand some people do not hold the same beliefs. I try to handle any differences from a positive perspective, makes one less bitter. 

I am not bitter.  I am just not willing to fund your mission work.   (Or anyone else's.)  That's a legitimate viewpoint.   

mel&josh2015

mysticl said:

Because it looks like they are saying "look at me, look at what a wonderful person I am for donating to a charity".  The couple could have just said they weren't registered.  In which case people would most likely have given them money and they could have quietly donated the money to the shelter.  

Thanks for clearing that up for me. I can see how it could come across as egotistical to some.

cowgirl8238

grumbledore said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

laurynm84 said:

eileenrob said:

Even though it's a nice cause, asking for donations is tacky.  However, at least where I'm from (NYC), it's tacky to not tip coat checkers, valet parkers, etc.  Hopefully the guests at your wedding act appropriately and tip him (on their own, without a tip jar lol).  Congrats in advance on your wedding day!

But at a wedding the hosts should be tipping these people, not the guests. I don't tip at an open bar, because I assume the hosts are tipping appropriately. Same thing for the coat check and valet.

Maybe this is a regional thing? I'm a NYer too and I always, always tip at an open bar. I tip the coat check and the valet too at a wedding. 

If a guest tips with no provocation whatsoever, I think it's fine, but the couple should still be tipping and there should be no suggestion made to the guests that they should tip.

From my experience with weddings in the NY area people will tip on top of what the B&G tip.  It is in no way mandatory and not everyone does it, but I think all in all NYers tend to tip vallets, coat checks, and bartenders regardless if the B&G are tipping already.  Its just something we do naturally.  However a Tip Jar would be extremely rude no matter what the reason/cause.

Dreamergirl8812

mel&josh2015 said:

KeptInStitches said:

To elaborate, it's really self-indulgent. It's like posting a notice that "Instead of favors, we bought a goat for a village in Africa!" Keep your charitable donations and wedding separate.

Good point about keeping it separate.  When I worked at the humane society, I had a couple come through our door that refused gifts. If people asked where they were registered, they told them to give a donation to the shelter instead. They had everything they needed, and the homeless animals clearly did not. Would you be able to elaborate more however on how this is self indulgent? I felt what that couple did was quite selfless.

There is nothing wrong with donating to a charity. I donate to the Humane Society, I donate to St. Judes, and I donate blood. But I'm not going to go around and tell everyone at my wedding what a great human being I am. And I'm definitely not going to walk around telling people what they should do with their money.

ETA: These posts always remind me of my little cousin. After one of the hurricanes, he posted on facebook something to the effect of "Come on guys, it's only $10 come please donate do what you can to help" (of course the grammar was even worse).

And I thought: Little cousin, first get a job, then donate the $10 yourself and finally, shut up about it. You are in no position to encourage me to do good deeds.

JaneAustensGhost

There is nothing wrong with donating to a charity. I donate to the Humane Society, I donate to St. Judes, and I donate blood. But I'm not going to go around and tell everyone at my wedding what a great human being I am. And I'm definitely not going to walk around telling people what they should do with their money.

ETA: These posts always remind me of my little cousin. After one of the hurricanes, he posted on facebook something to the effect of "Come on guys, it's only $10 come please donate do what you can to help" (of course the grammar was even worse).

And I thought: Little cousin, first get a job, then donate the $10 yourself and finally, shut up about it. You are in no position to encourage me to do good deeds.

I agree.  I donate to animal charities and pediatric cancer charities.  If you ask for a donation from me, you're asking me to give less to my favorites, and no, I'm sorry, you don't have that right.

People always think they can spend your money better than you.