people asking to attend wedding, grrr!!

a13049

FI and I wanted a small wedding, with no more than 40 people.  Our guest list is now up to 62 people because people are asking to be invited and FI keeps saying sure.   He is just to nice to say no, but at this rate 10 months away, we are going to have a big wedding and it will defeat alot of my reasoning for going to vegas in the first place.  I really can't believe people are asking to come to my wedding, I would never ask for an invitation to someones wedding.  Hopefully we stay at 62 invitations, I am sure some people won't be able to make it and the numbers will drop closer to 40.  I origininally wanted 20 people, but FI each have 4 siblings plus SO and parents and a couple friends it was hard just getting to 40. My cousin, who I do love but rarely see sent me a text a couple days ago that they have booked their hotels.  WTF, they werent even sent a STD.   Have people asked, or invited themselves to your wedding?

Sorry just needed to vent

 

 

ktbabe530

Yes!  There is just something about Vegas and weddings.  

Usually if I change the subject each time they ask they get the hint.  It helps to not bring up the wedding with people that aren't invited and we don't mention anything on social media.  We visit Vegas a lot and usually post on facebook and people keep asking if we are wedding planning, I just ignore the posts.  

We have 83 on our list and about 10 of those because my FI invited them before we even did our guest list!  I want about 60 there, we'll see.  Hopefully we will have some declines, but I'm not holding my breath!  

Knottie1450123632

I would just say no.  If I don't send a STD or invite then means not invited.  smh.  I would also ask them if I got married local would u invite yourself to my wedding.

vegasgroom

We only had one person do that; I said simply I'm sorry but the venue's capacity limited whom we could invite.  It was super awkward but I wasn't going to just let random people I didn't care to have there get a free pass.

a13049

We are for sure saying no from now on, FI is going to have to figure out how to say no politely. I am thinking about still my sending invites to the people have rudely invited themselves. If they come, I won't make a big deal of it, but if they don't great.

missmo14

Ive had "oh my friend is keen on Vegas, can she come to your wedding?" And ive even had "my husband cant come so im bringing *insert random person*. And I have had 1 or 2 blatant, "can I come to your wedding".. Its ridiculous. People dont do that for local weddings. Vegas to some people is a free for all.

mnupp

Ugh, the worst for me was when the parents would call and say, "You forgot to invite your uncle's ex-wife!" and we'd say, "Why in God's name would we invite her?" and they'd said, "Well ... you just should."

We had a lot of difficult conversations at first, using the words "small wedding" and "want to talk to everybody" and "venue capacity" and "tight budget" a lot. People started to get the hint, and we were able to land 3 bove our estimate (contracted for 60, paid for 63). Only had one guest we didn't know at all, and it was a serious +1 so we figured it was ok.

You just have to be on the same page as your FI. The problem here isn't necessarily that people are inviting themselves (though that's rude as well), it's that your man doesn't want to be the bad guy. He's got to stop saying yes, then this won't be a problem.

KikiMira

Ah... We had people threatening to crash our wedding if they didn't get invites. We have up until invites get sent out, our venue is secret. FH has been inviting people behind my back and I capped it, I told "no freaking more people!". We were at 55 people and now we are at 85!!! If all the extra's do show up, it will be an extra $3600 for dinner! Ugh! and another bus! 

missmo14

Kiki we are at 93! Of those 20 are absolute definite NOs (cant get travel visas, paying off own weddings, cant get leave from work, cant afford it). About 30 are highly unlikely but if all 93 turn up well I guess that means my reception will be cocktail style and there will be a party bus following the DDB and some guests will get standing room only at the 10 minute ceremony.

22 have already rsvp. But about 30 already booked flights and our formal invites dont go out til the end of this month! Im assuming we will have about 40 - 50 all up. If I see eveb one comment about "why do you brides invite more people than you can accommodate/afford" I WILL wild out at you!

shoebunnie

I have the opposite issue. My FI Isn't inviting anyone from his side of the family. So it's my parents, brother, sister, their spouses, and a few very close friends.

nixym

We've not had anyone invite themselves to our Vegas ceremony, but my Dad is trying to get me to invite three extra people to our smaller ceremony in New Zealand.  Considering we've only invited immediate family (there will be 9 of us) to the one in NZ it's really awkward as it would mean the people we've invited to Vegas who live in NZ that can't make it will wonder why we've not also invited them.  I've had to put my foot down and say I'm sorry Dad, it's not your wedding and there are lots of reasons why we've kept it immediate family only and if we start having exceptions we run the risk of offending people we care about.  Not least that myself and my FI aren't close to the three people at all - they weren't on our Vegas invite list either!  The last thing I want to do is hurt or offend anyone but it's so frustrating!

a13049

mnupp said:

Ugh, the worst for me was when the parents would call and say, "You forgot to invite your uncle's ex-wife!" and we'd say, "Why in God's name would we invite her?" and they'd said, "Well ... you just should."

We had a lot of difficult conversations at first, using the words "small wedding" and "want to talk to everybody" and "venue capacity" and "tight budget" a lot. People started to get the hint, and we were able to land 3 bove our estimate (contracted for 60, paid for 63). Only had one guest we didn't know at all, and it was a serious +1 so we figured it was ok.

You just have to be on the same page as your FI. The problem here isn't necessarily that people are inviting themselves (though that's rude as well), it's that your man doesn't want to be the bad guy. He's got to stop saying yes, then this won't be a problem.

 

 

Yes, my FI def needs to stop saying yes. He is a softy, and a total "yes man." So this is very difficult for him.   guess a group of his buddies asked, and he didn't really say yes, he said we haven't sent out invitations yet.  So I guess implying they would get one, but not an outright yes.  I probably won't send invites to those people, and we can just use the chapel only has enough space, blah blah blah.  I am just blown away by people inviting themselves, and yes their friends too.  I called one friend who was invited and asked FH if they could bring so and so plus so and so because they visit vegas every year and haven't seen FH, so it would be a great reunion.  I think I am going to call and tell that person, of course their friends can come to vegas, but for the wedding we are going to keep it close friends and family at the wedding.  IDK if that sounds rude to sort of univite people, but they were never really invited  them in first place.  My mom is giving me the two wrongs dont make a right speal, but I told her the second wrong saves me $1,000.

reinainnyc

Have a semi similar situation except my FI and I have shown a ton of restraint.  We just wanted something tiny, elopement style, just us and our moms, but he told an aunt she could come and then realized we would have to invite her three children and my mom's siblings as well.  So that pushed us to about 25, when we were thinking no more than 5.  A lot of people I have spoken to and even my mother's friends have said, "wow, can't wait to get my invite" and variations of.  I have instructed her to say, "it's not my wedding, it's my daughter's wedding" or something like that and to people who are other wise trying to get themselves in there, I say that I chose a destination far from NY because I really wanted it to be a private ceremony.  In actuality, only our moms will be present for ceremony, but we are having a small dinner later that night that we hope only about 10-15 will show up to. 

vegasgroom

KikiMira said:

Ah... We had people threatening to crash our wedding if they didn't get invites.

We had a few people who were dressed up enough to fit in try to 'attend' our reception since they were at Mix Lounge next door and realized the restaurant was effectively free booze.  Fortunately Mix's staff was on point all night and immediately spotted people who were not attendees even when we had 125 there.

rachel1837

We made it clear from the gining that we were doing immediate family & grandparents only. Every time someone asked anything about the wedding... if we picked a date, a venue, whatever. I would say, "yes, but we're keeping it small. Immediate family & grandparents only". We did bend that a little, but it definitely helped to just let everyone know off the bat.

We did end up with a few people who said they were just going to come to Vegas & visit with family but not attend the wedding. It made me then feel guilty about not saying, "oh just come to the wedding then!" but I'm sticking to my guns (for now). I would say, "I'm not in charge of Las Vegas, I can't stop you from coming to Vegas, but the venue is full." Oh & I sometimes asked people, "who do you think I should take off the guest list so that you can attend?" because it gives them some perspective & lets them know I'm stuck with a fixed number. 

reinainnyc

Wow, kudos to you, that is all handled very well.

annathy03

The boss I had 6 months ago asked if he was getting invited.  I deflected saying we didn't have a venue yet so the guest list wasn't finalized, but NO WAY IN HELL is he getting an invite b/c 1) while he's OK, there are loads of people I'd rather invite and 2) his wife is a paranoid lady who thinks every woman he works with is sleeping with him and can't hold her liquor- which is why we all know she thinks that.

FI's family wanted too many extended family (we are inviting all aunts, uncles, and first cousins, but not great-uncles or cousin's kids) but FI nixed it gracefully.  He did say yes to them adding neighbors they wanted to invite that they offered to pay for if they come which I wouldn't have done, but our guest list is big enough one table won't be too many people we aren't close to.  I'm sure once invites go out we will have a few cousins RSVP for their kids, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

aweathers13

We didn't have too many people trying to add themselves to the guest list, but my mom's cousin called one night and asked me if his daughter and her husband could come.  I'm sorry, did they get an invitation? No. Were their names on your invitation? No. 

 I told him, that IF I had last minute no show I'd try to fit her in.  Well, I ended up having a place for her...I told her that she would be sitting with all of our cousins ( all the cousins her age, people she knows and has met, so they weren' t strangers).  Do you know she sat at the table with her parents and my uncle had to go sit outside cause he didn't realize he could've sat at the other table?  When I went around to greet everyone, I made a snide remark about the seating arrangement at that table.  I was fuming.  I know I'm suppose to seat every "unit" together, but everything had been assigned for a while and she was literally a last minute add on.  Anyway.  Everything worked out and it was fine, but it still irked me.  

mnupp

rachel1837 said:

We did end up with a few people who said they were just going to come to Vegas & visit with family but not attend the wedding. It made me then feel guilty about not saying, "oh just come to the wedding then!" but I'm sticking to my guns (for now). I would say, "I'm not in charge of Las Vegas, I can't stop you from coming to Vegas, but the venue is full." Oh & I sometimes asked people, "who do you think I should take off the guest list so that you can attend?" because it gives them some perspective & lets them know I'm stuck with a fixed number. 

I love "who should I cut so you can come?"

I had a similar mentality ... I can't prevent you from booking your vacation at the same time, and if you're in town we could maybe get brunch, but you're not getting an invitation simply because you show up. Our venue has a maximum capacity and my budget has a maximum headcount. If you really wanted to be there, you should have been a better friend for the past few years!

Jiimanie

This has been a very useful thread! We've had a similar issue but only with 3 extra people and we've just told them we have a venue capacity but if some of our invited guests decline then we can fit them in. We've already had declines so they are now in.

But if it happens with any more people I have some very useful responses thanks to all you guys! The best is definitely 'who should I remove from the guestlist so you can come?'!

KikiMira

missmo14 said:

Kiki we are at 93! Of those 20 are absolute definite NOs (cant get travel visas, paying off own weddings, cant get leave from work, cant afford it). About 30 are highly unlikely but if all 93 turn up well I guess that means my reception will be cocktail style and there will be a party bus following the DDB and some guests will get standing room only at the 10 minute ceremony. 22 have already rsvp. But about 30 already booked flights and our formal invites dont go out til the end of this month! Im assuming we will have about 40 - 50 all up. If I see eveb one comment about "why do you brides invite more people than you can accommodate/afford" I WILL wild out at you!

I wish! We actually were at 89 but we have 4 No's and I just got another one, because she is pregnant and due 3 weeks after the wedding. So now we are at 84 guests who are tentative yes's! I would be happy if we came in under 70 guests, that would be my ideal guest count.

vegasgroom said:

KikiMira said:

Ah... We had people threatening to crash our wedding if they didn't get invites.

We had a few people who were dressed up enough to fit in try to 'attend' our reception since they were at Mix Lounge next door and realized the restaurant was effectively free booze.  Fortunately Mix's staff was on point all night and immediately spotted people who were not attendees even when we had 125 there.

Wow that's great of the staff! We are way off the strip so, I doubt there will an issue with it. I hope that's the case anyways!

stoiic25

So i invited a coworker and her husband, who unfortunately couldn't make it due to his work schedule and already planned vacation. She told me that she had briefly mentioned the wedding to her sister once, and got a phone call the other week saying they booked there tickets and hotel and wanted to know where she was staying.
She was like OMG we aren't going and second you aren't invited to the wedding. I guess they are still going to Vegas, but I sure the heck didn't include them in my wedding haha

Knottie1450123632

wow that's ballsy. glad coworker set sister straight