Answered - Thanks, ladies!!!!

lfk2013

(I wasn't sure where to put this...if it should go somewhere else, let me know and I'll move it.)

I think the title sums up what is constantly going through my mind at the moment.  The backstory: I had a very tough time getting my FMIL to get me her invite list.  Once I did, there were no problems...until it came time for the RSVPs to come in.  I gave them an extra 2-3 weeks since we moved right before they were due since the USPS is notorious for messing up mail (in hindsight, a bad idea).  Once that 2-3 weeks was up, I had to hound my FMIL (through my dear FH) to contact those on her list we hadn't heard from.  In addition, I hadn't heard from a few of the people I invited.   All of these people with a lack of response were local.  A couple on both "sides" responded, but there has been a lack of response overall.  One of my former coworkers (who left after she had received the invitation) has not responded after saying she would before she left.  She won't answer my emails or even return the phone calls of the receptionist (who is going).

If any of that doesn't make sense, I apologize.  Anyway, I am so worried that some of these people will just show up that day when I guessed that their lack of response was a no.  What do I do?  What do I plan for?  I've already given the venue the final numbers and, while they provide enough food and drink for 5% over the final guest count, they won't have anywhere to sit in the reception hall.  I am at a loss of how to handle it.  Should I give my wedding day-of coordinator a list of these people in case they show up?  

itzMS

lfk2013 said:

(I wasn't sure where to put this...if it should go somewhere else, let me know and I'll move it.)

I think the title sums up what is constantly going through my mind at the moment.  The backstory: I had a very tough time getting my FMIL to get me her invite list.  Once I did, there were no problems...until it came time for the RSVPs to come in.  I gave them an extra 2-3 weeks since we moved right before they were due since the USPS is notorious for messing up mail (in hindsight, a bad idea).  Once that 2-3 weeks was up, I had to hound my FMIL (through my dear FH) to contact those on her list we hadn't heard from.  In addition, I hadn't heard from a few of the people I invited.   All of these people with a lack of response were local.  A couple on both "sides" responded, but there has been a lack of response overall.  One of my former coworkers (who left after she had received the invitation) has not responded after saying she would before she left.  She won't answer my emails or even return the phone calls of the receptionist (who is going).

If any of that doesn't make sense, I apologize.  Anyway, I am so worried that some of these people will just show up that day when I guessed that their lack of response was a no.  What do I do?  What do I plan for?  I've already given the venue the final numbers and, while they provide enough food and drink for 5% over the final guest count, they won't have anywhere to sit in the reception hall.  I am at a loss of how to handle it.  Should I give my wedding day-of coordinator a list of these people in case they show up?  

Assume they aren't coming.

Statistically speaking, some people who did rsvp "yes" will no-show. You'll likely have some extra room. DH & I had 8 no shows. Friends of ours had 6 no shows.

Your venue is used to this and will help you make it work. Your DOC will also have experienced this before and will make sure things go smoothly for you.

southernbelle0915

My worst fear is cutting off one my fingers while I'm cooking. Seriously. I can't explain why. 

Anyway, talk to your caterer. Ask them how they normally handle this. @itzMS is right - you'll probably have a few no-shows. It happens at most weddings. If it's really making you anxious, think about what would make you feel better. Your cater having extra meals ready? An extra table? Whatever it is, decide if you can afford it and do it if you can. If not, take solace in the fact that people who don't RSVP or RSVP no should not expect to be hosted. Period. Your sanity is important.

KatWAG

southernbelle0915 said:

My worst fear is cutting off one my fingers while I'm cooking. Seriously. I can't explain why. 

Anyway, talk to your caterer. Ask them how they normally handle this. @itzMS is right - you'll probably have a few no-shows. It happens at most weddings. If it's really making you anxious, think about what would make you feel better. Your cater having extra meals ready? An extra table? Whatever it is, decide if you can afford it and do it if you can. If not, take solace in the fact that people who don't RSVP or RSVP no should not expect to be hosted. Period. Your sanity is important.

I have done that. Not fun.

We had 4 no-shows. Sometimes it just can't be helped. I would talk to your catering company and see what they suggest. Having 5 extra meals might be worth the piece of mind.

photokitty

KatWAG said:

southernbelle0915 said:

My worst fear is cutting off one my fingers while I'm cooking. Seriously. I can't explain why. 

Anyway, talk to your caterer. Ask them how they normally handle this. @itzMS is right - you'll probably have a few no-shows. It happens at most weddings. If it's really making you anxious, think about what would make you feel better. Your cater having extra meals ready? An extra table? Whatever it is, decide if you can afford it and do it if you can. If not, take solace in the fact that people who don't RSVP or RSVP no should not expect to be hosted. Period. Your sanity is important.

I have done that. Not fun.

We had 4 no-shows. Sometimes it just can't be helped. I would talk to your catering company and see what they suggest. Having 5 extra meals might be worth the piece of mind.

Mine is falling on my face and knocking out my front teeth.

We had an extra table the DOC referred to as "late for dinner." Vendors we at this table and if anyone showed up who didn't rsvp, they were to be seated there as well. We set it with favors and all the trimmings. We didn't end up needing it and it only cost us the extra favors and centerpiece - well worth the piece of mind for us. GL!

climbingsingle

This happened at my first wedding. Two of my ex-husband's friends. They never RSVP'd. We called them, they never returned our calls. I assumed they weren't coming. Cut to the wedding day and my mom is running up to me saying, "Nicki and Matt are here and we don't have seats for them." 

All in all, it got sorted out. The venue was able to round up two more seats and fit them in at a table. It seemed to me that they both felt pretty stupid. I bet they didn't do that again! 

Fun fact - the girl that didn't RSVP - she gave us a check and post-dated it. I didn't notice it when we deposited the check before we left for our HM. It bounced. Ay yi yi. 

lfk2013

Great ideas, everyone.  Thanks!  I'll chat with the venue and see what they usually plan for.  I know that some of the tables have room in case a chair needs to be added.  

(And in true lfk2013 fashion, I got worked up over something that's not a big deal.  And my worst fear is a room filled with jellyfish.)

LDubHawksFan

How early was your RSVP date that you waited almost 3 weeks before following up?! It shouldn't have been more than 7-10 days before your caterer needed the numbers. Anything more than 3-4 weeks is hard for guests to respond to since their schedules may not be set yet.
When does your site need the numbers? Before that time have fmil call and leave a message saying that you need their answer by x date. If you don't hear from them, you will have to assume they are a no. Then don't worry about crushers because it's their wrong. Actually, though, I think you or FI should call because it will cut down the word of month process.

lfk2013

We had it as mid-July (invitations went out end of May) since there were so many out of town people (over half of the list).  Final numbers were due end of August and I knew it would be difficult to get some people to answer.

misssunshine17

lfk2013 said:

We had it as mid-July (invitations went out end of May) since there were so many out of town people (over half of the list).  Final numbers were due end of August and I knew it would be difficult to get some people to answer.

Your venue needed headcounts two months early? That is absurd. 

LDubHawksFan

For a wedding that hasn't happened yet?! Yeah that timeframe was all off. For instance, I am coming up on one year in a few weeks. For our 10-20 wedding, the final count was needed by 10-1, our RSVP date was 9-23, and invitations went out around 8-10 (most people were OOT so we went early with 10 weeks).
By making your RSVP date probably 2 months before, you probably made your concern about people responding late worse because many may not know their schedules and can't properly respond by then. I know there isn't anything you can do know, but lurkers please note.
I still stand by my advice that you should call and leave that message.

HisGirlFriday13

lfk2013 said:

We had it as mid-July (invitations went out end of May) since there were so many out of town people (over half of the list).  Final numbers were due end of August and I knew it would be difficult to get some people to answer.

The fact that they are OOT means you should have sent them STDates so they could plan for the event, not forced them into RSVP'ing ridiculously early. That's on you. 

Your guests are rude for not RSVP'ing, yes, but asking for an RSVP two months out is freaking crazypants. Let it go until you're 7 to 10 days out from your wedding and THEN do the phoning.

lfk2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

lfk2013 said:

We had it as mid-July (invitations went out end of May) since there were so many out of town people (over half of the list).  Final numbers were due end of August and I knew it would be difficult to get some people to answer.

The fact that they are OOT means you should have sent them STDates so they could plan for the event, not forced them into RSVP'ing ridiculously early. That's on you. 

Your guests are rude for not RSVP'ing, yes, but asking for an RSVP two months out is freaking crazypants. Let it go until you're 7 to 10 days out from your wedding and THEN do the phoning.

Ok.  Thanks for that.

phira

Agree with previous posters. Especially about the RSVP deadline.

I wanted to add that if you want to very politely cover your ass, the final time you try to get in touch, add something along the lines of, "If we do not hear from you at all by [date], we will assume you will not be coming." Don't say it or write it like a threat--just letting them know that no reply will be counted as not attending.

That way, if they DO show up without any notice, you don't blame yourself for their rudeness.

JeeGooDowster

Agree with previous posters. Give a deadline and if you don't hear from them, assume they're not coming.

lfk2013

Thanks, everyone!

allispain

I had an OOT "friend" who did this. A couple months before the wedding, I was getting messages from her saying how excited she was for it. Cut to the RSVP deadline and I hadn't heard from her. So I called her and left a voicemail. Didn't hear back. So I e-mailed her. Didn't hear back. So I facebook messaged her (the second and third messages were both along the lines of, "I wasn't sure if you had gotten my voicemail/email because I know you just moved and may have changed numbers/addresses, so..."). Still didn't hear from her. I figured that meant she wasn't coming. She did not come.

Fun fact - she was supposed to be at the wedding of a mutual friend a year before this. She texted me that morning and asked if I could let the bride know that she may or may not be there because one of her coworkers was in the hospital and everyone had been told they needed to stay in town. She's a school teacher. I'm not exactly sure why no one would be allowed to leave town... but maybe that's just me... (in other words, maybe I should have seen this coming with her lack of response for my wedding).

All of this is to say, OP, that I get that this can be frustrating. You expect people to have the courtesy to RSVP. Lacking that, you expect them to have the courtesy to respond to your message asking them to do so since the deadline has already passed. Sadly, not everyone does. Like most PPs, I would put them in the "not attending" column and move on.