Surprise Vows for my Future Stepdaughter

CuriousKat6

My fiancé is a single father and his daughter and I have become really close over the last two years. I knew from the beginning that if I wanted him, I had to take the whole package, and it was never an issue for me. Where he is, she is as well, and I wouldn't have it any other way. To acknowledge that, I want to take some time during the ceremony to not only make my vows as a wife to my future husband, but as a stepmother to my future stepdaughter. My idea was to surprise them both with this, and possibly present her with some token to represent that vow.

So, any ideas? What should I say to her? Should it be a surprise for them both or should I tell them what I'm thinking? Has anyone ever seen this done? And what to give her as a gift?

mimiphin

I would talk to them before hand about this.

Other than that I don't know.

Best of luck!

HisGirlFriday13

CuriousKat6 said:

My fiancé is a single father and his daughter and I have become really close over the last two years. I knew from the beginning that if I wanted him, I had to take the whole package, and it was never an issue for me. Where he is, she is as well, and I wouldn't have it any other way. To acknowledge that, I want to take some time during the ceremony to not only make my vows as a wife to my future husband, but as a stepmother to my future stepdaughter. My idea was to surprise them both with this, and possibly present her with some token to represent that vow.

So, any ideas? What should I say to her? Should it be a surprise for them both or should I tell them what I'm thinking? Has anyone ever seen this done? And what to give her as a gift?

Please, please, PLEASE do not do this. PLEASE. Your step-daughter isn't getting married; you and your FI are. The vows should be between him and you, not her and you and him. She's not marrying you. She may love you, you may love her, but this is really not appropriate.

If you search the boards, you'll find lots of discussion about this -- it's generally considered a bad idea. 

Also, for the love of everything holy, if we can't talk you out of doing this, AT THE VERY LEAST please consult your FI before you do this. He may not be a fan, either.

mlg78

I would give her the gift before/after the ceremony but include in your vows to HIM, something about accepting and loving his daughter as a part of the marriage.

artbyallie

Slam on the brakes and rethink, please. Vows are for consenting adults. Giving her a gift is fine, but do so in private.

NYCMercedes

mlg78 said:

I would give her the gift before/after the ceremony but include in your vows to HIM, something about accepting and loving his daughter as a part of the marriage.

I agree with this. There should not be a vow to a third party in a wedding ceremony between two adults.

doeydo

There shouldn't be any surprise vows to your future stepdaughter.  Talk to your FI and see what he thinks.  ETA a word I randomly forgot 

Jen4948

Aside from the fact that there shouldn't be any vows to your stepdaughter, surprising her during your ceremony is probably the worst way to go about it.  You'll be putting unfair pressure on her to go along with it when she may have her own feelings about it.

Drop the idea, please.

ElcaB

I'm one of the few people here who doesn't mind including children in the ceremony, to an extent. 

However, I'd be careful about "surprising" FI & his daughter. This should be something you discuss with them beforehand. 

I do like what a PP said about including something in your vows about his daughter. That'd be nice. 

emmyg65

I also think it's okay—and often very meaningful—to include children in the ceremony. But I definitely don't think this should be a surprise. Talk about it with your FI first and the two of you can decide together what would be appropriate, and then get input from his daughter about what she's comfortable with.

The one ceremony I saw like this, the bride's daughter was about nine and they got her a little necklace. As another idea, my parents got me a charm bracelet when I was 10 and then got me charms for other major life events over the years (getting my license, graduating high school, graduating college, etc.). I actually wore it on my wedding day because it's very important to me.

Tomandlesley

I would not surprise them, nor would I make it vows. My FI plans on mentioning becoming my sons father and loving him like he was his own in his but that's as far as I would go. And I mention becoming a family.

itzMS

How old is she?

Is her mother in her life at all?

 

I wouldn't suggest doing any vows, but we could suggest other ways to involve her if we know her age.

I know you mentioned that her dad is a "single father", but if she has a relationship with her own mother at all, you should also mention to the mother what you're planning on doing. It's her daughter's emotional well-being on the line here, and hearing dad's new wife saying that she'll love you and be a mother figure to you can be confusing to a child or teenager.

Iloveshanej

My FI is giving my daughter a ring on a necklace and will be saying a few words to her during our ceremony. I agree with others, I wouldn't totally surprise them. My FI asked me if he could do this and I thought it was a great idea. We mentioned to my daughter that my FI was doing something special for her during the ceremony and she was thrilled (she's 6). We didn't want to put her on the spot, although she probably wouldn't have cared but some kids might. We didn't want it to be a vow but more of a statement to her of what he intends to do. He decided to do a ring on a necklace so maybe she can wear the ring when she is older for special occasions. I would give suggestions on what to say but he hasn't told me everything, just that he will be stating that he will uphold the vows he and I exchange and bringing us together as a family. For us, it was important to do this because her biological father is not really around and my FI is like a father to her so we felt it important to include her because the two of us getting married not only signifies our union but also him becoming her stepdad and us becoming a family. She has been extremely excited about my FI official being her stepdad and us officially being a family so we know it will mean a lot to her.

southernbelle0915

OP - I think your intentions are good and your heart is in the right place, but vows are promises that two consenting adults make to each other. When you and your FI decided to get married, you made that decision as adults and your vows will reflect your promises to each other. 

Your FI's daughter can't make those types of promises. I think if you want to sit her down privately (with your FI) and the two of you explain what this event means, how important she is in your relationship, and have an open dialogue to answer any questions she might have, that  might be better and be more meaningful for her.

If I can be candid, I think surprising her and your FI is about the worst thing you could do. It's going to catch everyone off guard and take away from the ceremony. If you want to involve her, ask her to be a FG or BM. Let her pick out a beautiful dress and involve her in wedding stuff (as much as she wants to be).

WonderRed

I have zero problem with recognizing children during the ceremony with a gift or general recognition of family  but doing vows to them are tricky and, no matter what, please don't surprise her with it.  Sometimes kids aren't comfortable participating in something like that and it can be very awkward if it's sprung on her in front of everyone and she is caught off guard and/or resistant.  Has your FI said anything about including her in anyway?  You really need to talk to him about this to make sure he's on board and that you don't accidentally overstep anything.

You don't mention how old she is.  That would help us to help you come up with ideas on how to incorporate her.

We are including my 6 year old son in ours by having him walk down the aisle with me and doing a family sand ceremony (DS very much believes that this day means we become an official family)  but he knows about it and  wants to participate.